Thursday, December 17, 2009

My Name Is Karma

As my friends have been watching me fester in my anger and madness, the one thing that I've heard from them over and over is, "Don't worry. Karma can be a bitch. That asshole is gonna get what's coming to him".

Well, kids. It's time for an Angry Girlfriend reality check. Sometimes Karma needs a little kick in the ass.

I'm not gonna sit here and wait for some magical Karma to kick in years and years later when I'm no longer bitter.


Of course most of you are probably thinking that I've lost most of my sanity and am working on pure emotion.

But I assure you. I don't think I've ever seen things more clearly in my life.

It's obvious that I'm only angry because (dare I say it?)... *gulp* I cared... Thats the first and last time you wil ever see any weakness out of me.

I'm gonna stop there because if I keep going, you'll only realize how evil I really am.

I'm a saint and those horns poking out the top of my head are only there to support my halo.

Monday, December 14, 2009

I Hate You - Go Rot In A Ditch

I've been known to be an angry irrational person in the past but now I'm all of the above and then some.

Its safe to say that I'm becoming an angry bitter bitch due to my failed marriage of only 11 months to that dumb ass that for whatever reason thought he'd waste my time marrying me even though he admits now that he knew it would never work because he never really liked me like that to begin with.

Yes, I said "liked" and not "loved" because I don't even think that cocksucker know whats it's like to love someone outside of his immediate family. Actually, I'm not sure he knows what love is outside of loving himself cause he's a pretty fucked up, selfish bastard. He might have more issues then me if you can believe that.


Frijolero, on your pursuit to find love with another women, I wish you the kinda pain you only feel when you're being forcibly sodomized by 5 men who are all at least 3Xs bigger then you in width.

I hope that whoever you find to fall in love with, if you haven't found her already, fucks all of your friends and relatives behind your back and gives you a new incurable STD that no ones even heard of yet.

I hope that your penis becomes so severely infected that the only solution to cure your infection is to amputate it.

I wish you many agonizing nights of a burning sensation in your anus and a mysterious rash that itches like hell on your testicles.

I tired to be good and civil but you just had to drag me through the mud. Did you really think I was going to remain nice and civil after you pulled that little stunt on me, you fucking cocksucker?

You should've left well enough alone the first time. You just had to keep pushing me and pushing me... and now I'm pushing right the fuck back.

See you in hell, shithole... Divorcing you is gonna be fun ;)

To everyone else out there, there maybe a time where you hear some really fucked up shit about me. Like some really fucked up shit I might "allegedly" do. I'll just warn you now... It may more then likely be true. But in my own defence, I wouldn't be acting out like such an asshole if I didn't care so in a way, that asshole should just take it as a compliment LOL.

P.S. To Fuck Face, I also wish you stomach pains much like labor pains for at least 12 hours and I hope you end up pushing something the size of a baseball through your pee hole.

Hold on tight people This is gonna be a turbulent ride... And I'm just getting started...

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

All I Want For Christmas Is... A Good Divorce Attorney

I had stated earlier that Frijolero and I were in the process of reconciling. Well, that is no longer the case.

Two days ago, he stated that the marriage is over and that's pretty much all there is to that. Did I mention he was suppose to be coming out here for Christmas?

That's no longer the case either. After his unexpected news, I told him to take his airline ticket and go fuck himself with it.

I believe he may be seeing someone else. I'm guessing he hasn't fucked her yet, but that could change at any moment.

I hope your penis falls off from being infected with chlamydia and gonorrhea, you asshole!

So if anyone knows of a good divorce attorney, send me an email:

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Secret Phone

Can you keep a secret? No? Well neither can I.

I have a new secret phone that few people know about it. I got it so that Frijolero can't contact me on days that he pisses me off.

Do you think it's wrong that I got a secret phone so that my husband can't call me when I'm mad at him? No? Neither do I.

Did I mention that we're trying to work things out and get back together? Dysfunctional, I know.

I've only given out the phone number to a selected few people who I have deemed important enough to contact me when my primary phone is turned off.

I know that are a few of you out there that are reading this and are probably going to want to go tell Frijolero about my new secret phone, but I'm advising you not to do that because if you do... The little man in the window will break into your house and eat your face plus, I'll deny the whole thing.

He'll believe me because I'm poor and poor people don't have money to spend on secret phones.

So keep your mouth shut... It's our little secret, ok? Shhhhhhhh ;)

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Yet Another New Job

Despite being in hard economic times, I was able to find a new job. I am now working at a retail store in an Outlet Mall. I'm not going to give the name of the company, but let's just say, they're pretty up there and I'm not really sure how I got this job to begin with since I'm sooo much the opposite.

The downside to this job and that I had to dye my hair a normal shade color (no more pinks, blues, purples, or red), I have to cover my nose piercing with foundation (I absolutely refuse to take it out), and I have to wear my hair down and long sleeves to conceal any tattoos.

Like I said, the complete opposite of everything me. It's a pretty decent job though. Benefits, good pay, 30% off anything at any of their stores even though I still can't afford any of their stuff even with the discount.

Actually, I don't know anyone who could afford to shop there. Maybe like one person. My uncle... The one who owns the Lamborghini.

Yeah... Those are the kinda people who go shopping at this store. I am soooo out of my element.

But I'm just so happy to be getting a paycheck again, that I really just don't care.

And for some odd reason, people are allowed to bring their pampered little pets into the mall. I've never seen some many people go shopping with their dogs, but whatever.

Hope the dogs don't shit on their new $500 pair of shoes.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Quick Updates

I really haven't been keeping you guys updated the way I should... I just been busy with... stuff, I guess you could say.

Here are a couple of updates:

The perfect turned out to be not so perfect after all. Even though I had told them from the jump that I was looking for full time work, they only scheduled me for literally 8 hours a week.

Not to mention that I was still in "training" getting paid training wages despite the fact that they had me teaching my own classes.

Then there was that little issue about my paycheck... I haven't seen one.

Needless to say I quit... They don't know that yet, but come Saturday morning when I don't show up, I think they'll get the picture.

So I been on the hunt for another job. Hopefully, I'll find something soon because I'm so broke it's really pretty sad.

Frijolero wants me to go back East, but I'm not a quitter. I'm having a hard time, I'm not gonna lie, but I ain't giving up without a fight.

And yes, you read that right. The same fucker who wanted me gone, now wants me to come back... Go figure. Men are fucking retarded. At least he is.

Oh, and Oscar is doing much better. She hasn't made it to a vet yet, but she will as soon as I can get a job... that actually pays me.

Thanks to getting my hands on a prescription of antibiotics and neosporin, the hole closed up and shes put most of her weight back on.

So yeah...

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Oscar Lobster, Get Well Soon

My loyal, faithful bitch of 11 years, Oscar is really sick. I discovered last night that she had a petty nasty infection, which really freaked me out.

Since we've only been out here 6 weeks, I haven't found her a new vet and because shes all up to date with her vaccinations, I really didn't feel like that was something that I would have to worry about anytime soon.

After discovering the infection, that all soon changed.

First thing this morning, I starting calling around different vet offices, but they always want to charge too much money and they don't offer any billing options. So here I am 1 week into my new jobs with no money coming in anytime soon and a dog that is really sick.

I did the only thing I could think of.... and called my mom.

My step-dad isn't a vet, but hes the next best thing... a doctor. So I rushed over my sick dog to their house this morning, and my step-dad has been trying to get the infection under control, so that Oscar wont die. Yeah, apparently it's that serious.

I'm hoping that my dog will be ok now that shes on medication and being closely monitored. We're not quite out of the woods just yet, so hopefully I'll have some good news in the upcoming days.

On a completely irrelevant subject, who the hell decided that a dog Snuggie was be a good idea, and what kinda dumb asses are planning on buying this completely useless product?

Anyways, here's to Oscar hoping that she makes a full on recovery and soon, because I love my little bitch.

Normal Oscar

Sick Oscar


Tuesday, October 6, 2009

New Job

I have been bitchin for the longest time about my crappy job that I hated back on the East Coast. Naturally, since I'm not living on the East Coast anymore and no longer employed by my soon to be ex-mother-in-law, I've had to find a new job.

After applying for countless office positions, I realized not only did I not want another office job, but I really hate working in offices.

So, I applied for a job working as a... Swim Instructor!

For many of you, this may come as a surprise since you have no idea that I'm like a fish in the water.

I swam competitively for 10 years and worked as a life guard for 3 years and a pool operator for 2 years.

I got the job, and I'm currently in training. Just cause I swim like a fish doesn't mean I know how to teach others to swim like a fish, which is why they have training.

So far, all I can say is that I really, really, like this job... a lot.

It just doesn't feel like a real job. I get to go to work in a bathing suit, no one cares about tattoos or what color your hair is, and I'm swim around with kiddies teaching them how to swim while goofing off with them.

It's the best job ever!

I don't know what it is about Las Vegas, but it seems to be bringing out the best in me.

I love this place!

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Bring Angry Girlfriend a Bag of Utz Potato Chips Project

While grocery shopping the other day, I got the sudden urge to buy some potato chips. I went down to the potato chip aisle to go grab a bag of my favorite chips, Utz, and couldn't find them.

I was super annoyed, so I went home. I looked up Utz on Wikipedia and found out that Utz potato chips was only distributed on the East Coast between Maine and South Carolina.

Why I never noticed this while I was living in Miami is beyond me. Maybe it was because I was preoccupied with other things. I really don't know.

So now, I'm stuck with this craving and no way to buy the chips. That's actually a lie. I can order them straight off of their website.

The point is, I'm asking anyone and everyone who is planning to come out to Vegas to visit me, or maybe not visit me to bring me a bag of Utz potato chips.

Specifically the Salt & Vinegar, or any kind of ruffled chips made by Utz.

I'm calling this the Bring Angry Girlfriend a Bag of Utz Potato Chip Project.

If you in an area where Utz is distributed and want to send me a bag either through UPS or are planning to come to Vegas and want to deliver them to me personally, email me at

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Happy Anniversary, Fucker

Today marks what would've been me and Frijolero's 1st year wedding anniversary.

Obviously, things have changed and instead of being in Atlantic City sexing it up like we had planned on doing a while back, we are now separated and I'm now living in Las Vegas, while he's on the other side of the country probably banging some bitch that may or may not be a paid professional.

Let's keep it real, Frijolero. We both know the first thing you did after I left was go to that fucking whore house, Fuego's, and probably had sex with one of those dirty sluts who have got be the ugliest strippers/whores on the face of the planet. You're probably oozing with chlamydia juice and herpes now. I hope your penis shrivels up and falls off. I mean that in the nicest way possible.

To commemorate this festive occasion, I've decided to post certain song lyrics that I would like to dedicate to my soon-to-be-ex-husband.

Actually, there's only one song that really just sums it all up. It's not even the whole song, just the ending.

Green Day said it best:

You're just a fuck
I can't explain it 'cause I think you suck

I'm taking pride

In telling you to fuck off and die

F.O.D. by Green Day

Thank you, Green Day for those beautiful lyrics. I don't think I could've worded it any better then that...

But I'm gonna try anyways. Here is something I wrote just for you:

You're deceitful and you lie
You're an asshole
Go fuckin die

You've evil and you're mean
You like your whores
Young, shaved and "clean"

If they end up giving you the clap
I wont be mad
Cause you deserve that

I fucking hate you, hate you, hate you
I fucking hate you, stupid prick
I fucking hate you, hate you, hate you
Why don't you fuck yourself, piece of shit

I'm not that angry so don't you fret
I look forward to your child support check

It's the only thing helping me through
Remembering all the wasted time I spent with you

Anyways, it's a work in progress, so it's kinda all over the place right now.

In case your wondering, NO there is absolutely no possibility of reconciliation. I naively believe there was at first, but he quickly shot down any possibility of that happening. It's okay though. I'm not Angry. Well, maybe a little.

I've been holding back a lot, so it was time for me to vent a little so I can move on. However, this will more then likely be the last time that you hear any mention of Frijolero because I'm not gonna dwell on the past and all that shoulda/coulda/woulda type shit. Besides, there's no real drama between us anyways and I'd like to keep it that way.

No drama = boring blogs.

It's time for me to grab my vagina and pick myself up on my 2 feet and move on. And honestly, it's probably for the best that we split up. He just had the balls to do something that I couldn't do, so all jokes aside, there are no hard feelings (and no the marriage didn't end cause of prostitutes, and I don't really hope he catches an std and his penis falls off. Ok, well maybe I do want his penis to fall off, LOL).

Beside, I'm single now, living in Las Vegas, and will more then likely end up with a woman living out here. There are a lot of hot bitches, but I haven't seen too many attractive guys. I could be wrong, but I guess we'll see.

I could literally go either way at this point.

Monday, September 14, 2009

The Return of Mr. Sparkles

So here I was minding my own business, not looking to be an asshole or anything. Pretty much I've been on my best behavior.

I randomly got an IM from Mr. Sparkles who I haven't heard from in a long time. Quite frankly, I didn't give a shit anyways, but I guess he's missed me.

Some of you may remember Mr. Sparkles from way back, but in case you don't, you might wanna read these 2 blogs first:

Humiliate Me and Kick Me In the Balls

Fun With Mr. Sparkles: Part 1 (there was suppose to be a part 2, but I got caught up on other things so I never finished it, but I still might).

As a warning, I have to tell you that there is some nudity and its definitely not a work friendly posting.

Anyways, so here's what happened today:

[12:10] SubmissiveGuy:

[12:11] Evil BEE: well hey there Bitch
[12:11] Evil BEE: where the fuck ur little slutty ass been hiding
[12:11] SubmissiveGuy: been moving and trying to find a job
[12:11] Evil BEE: still broke are we? booo, i hate poor people
[12:12] SubmissiveGuy: i know =( next year when i turn 21 i get my trust fund 20k
[12:12] Evil BEE: when u turn 21? u mean ur little fat nasty ass is like 20?
[12:13] Evil BEE: ps 20 K aint shit
[12:13] SubmissiveGuy: yes
[12:13] Evil BEE: i didnt know u were such a young slutty whore
[12:13] SubmissiveGuy: yea
[12:14] Evil BEE: sooo do u have any other humiliating pictures for me?
[12:15] Evil BEE: u looks like a cow who ate flowers, threw it up and rolled around in it
[12:15] SubmissiveGuy: yes, are you posting the pics on the internet?
[12:15] Evil BEE: damn right i am
[12:16] SubmissiveGuy: do you want my photobucket password?
[12:16] Evil BEE: as a matter of fact yes, yes i do
[12:17] SubmissiveGuy: Username: lookatfeet password: love*******
[12:17] Evil BEE: loser
[12:17] Evil BEE: love******? what kinda corny shit is that?
[12:17] SubmissiveGuy: idk
[12:17] Evil BEE: ur a little bitch
[12:18] SubmissiveGuy: i know with a small little pee pee
[12:18] Evil BEE: we all know u have a small penis
[12:18] Evil BEE: its so sad and little
[12:18] Evil BEE: it kinda makes me angry
[12:19] SubmissiveGuy: im suprized you havent thought about cutting it off
[12:19] Evil BEE: i actually have
[12:20] Evil BEE: the only reason i've let u keep the little tiny pecker is cause its much ore fun to have u hurt urself repeatly then it is to have u cut it off suffer a while and then have nothing else to fuck around with later
[12:21] SubmissiveGuy: this is true
[12:21] SubmissiveGuy: did you log into my photobucket?
[12:21] Evil BEE: ur mistress is smarter then that dumb ass
[12:21] Evil BEE: yes i'm on it now.... ur fuckin tits are bigger then mine
[12:22] SubmissiveGuy: you wouldnt make me get real breast implants right?
[12:23] Evil BEE: and how the fuck would u afford breat implants when u cant even pay me for dealing with ur sorry ass?
[12:23] SubmissiveGuy: i was just asking
[12:23] Evil BEE: there are better thing u could spend ur money on then implants,,, Me for example
[12:24] SubmissiveGuy: i know that Mistress
[12:24] Evil BEE: i have to look at ur fat ass in mu-mus, jesus
[12:25] SubmissiveGuy: once i get my 20,000 im gonna spend every last cent of it on you
[12:25] Evil BEE: i know u will because I'm the greatest Mistress u could possibly ask for, and ur a little servant bitch boy
[12:26] SubmissiveGuy: where are u posting those pics?
[12:27] Evil BEE: none of ur fucking business where i post them, just know theyre being posted and people want to see more of u my little bitch
[12:27] Evil BEE: go run some water til it gets hot and dip ur penis in there
[12:28] SubmissiveGuy: yes mistress
[12:28] Evil BEE: hurry up bitch
[12:36] Message: SubmissiveGuy is offline

Well, I don't know why the hell Mr. Sparkles always runs off like that on me, but what I do know is that he has giving me access tons of humiliating pictures.

I mean, this shit is really, really, weird.

Obviously, he wants the shit posted so per Mr. Sparkles request, I'll go ahead and post a few more.

I should warn you... It gets kinda weird:

Ummm yeah... So there were a few more that I thought about posting but I think this may be more then most people can handle.

However, if anyone out there wants to see more of Mr. Sparkles (you never know), let me know and I'll post some more of his pictures for your entertainment/pleasure/whatever.

I don't judge...

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Starting to Feel Like Home

I havent had a shower curtain for the last 2 weeks, which has made shower time a pain in the ass cause I keep getting water all over the floors.

So today, I finally bought a shower curtain. Yey me!
(Ignore Oscar. For some odd reason, she just likes being in pictures).

I also got a little bit of furniture.
Notice the TV sitting on the floor? lol

Besides not having a TV stand and a couch, this place is starting to come together.

It ain't much, but it's mine!

It's starting to feel more like home already.

Friday, September 4, 2009

New Apartment

So here I am sitting in my new apartment, with my "borrowed" internet. Whoever create Wi-Fi, I fucking love you!

I'm gonna turn my new apartment into a Bitch Pad. My theme color is going to be Menstrual Blood Red.

With the exception of the Boy Son's room, this whole place is going to scream Vagina Power.

I'm done with penis for a while because men are evil bastards. Maybe it's me and maybe it's them. All the same, I'm done for a good long while.

Luckily, I go both ways so while door is temporarily (or maybe no so temporarily) closes, the other has just swung wide open.

Once I get my shit together out here, we'll see what happens but I can only imagine. Never let a bitch of the leash cause I'm about to run wild.

I'm getting a little ahead of myself, but I'm trying to stay in positive mode. Being negative never gets anyone very far.

No point in dwelling on bullshit.

So, back to the apartment. I'm pretty much got just about everything I need, except for a TV which is a bitch cause the cable is included in the rent.

Who knows... Maybe I'll actually use craigslist for something useful this time around, like finding a TV, instead of my normal misdeeds. Maybe...

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Big Changes

I'm actually in the air flying to Las Vegas this very moment. Maybe I'm a little slow cause I didn't know they had Wi-Fi on planes.

I didn't realize how hard leaving was going to be until the Boy Son started crying that he didn't want leave Frijolero behind. It broke my heart when he kept screaming that he wanted to go home.

We had both sat down with him weeks ago and explained to him that me and him were going to be moving to Las Vegas and that Frijolero would be saying behind and he seemed fine with the whole thing, he was even somewhat excited... until today.

I guess the reality of it all hit the little guy and well, lets just say, I'm not exactly his favorite person at the moment.

I know that in time he'll adjust to the changes, but it still sucks.

Hopefully, he wont stay mad at me for too long, and as long as Frijolero keeps an active role in the Boy Sons life, I think he'll be ok.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Good-Bye, East Coast

I haven't really told too many people that I'm leaving the east coast and heading out west to Sin City.

I don't think that I've even bothered to mentioned that me and Frijolero are separating, more then likely, for good. I would go into detail but there's really not much to tell. It was sudden and random, pretty much like everything else in our relationship. So there you have it.

I'm picking up the U-Haul today, packing it up, and sending Frijoleros cousin and his super hot girlfriend to drive my stuff and the dogs to the other side of the country.

I don't have a lot of stuff. Just boxes of clothes, the Boy Sons bed, the dogs, and my stripper pole. I'll be damned if some new hoochie slut rubs her vagina on my stripper pole. It took me 2 years to convince him to buy it for me in the first place!

So that's pretty much it.

I would've love to do the drive cross country again, but we can't all fit into the U-Haul truck, so I'll be flying out on Saturday.

Good-Bye, East Coast! I know I'll be back since we all know the East Coast has the best beaches *cough* Miami.

Well I guess I have to come back regardless since Frijolero does live here and Boy Son is obviously going to have to come back from time to time to visit.

So good-bye for now, but I'll be back....

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Chinchilla Funeral

As some of you may know, my chinchilla, Echo a.k.a Chinchilla a.k.a. Tila Tequila, passed away on Sunday, August 16, 2009.

It was a sudden death and we're not really sure why she died. I suspect that she died of a broken heart because Frijolero has decided to end our marriage and we're separating. (Consider this the official announcement).

Like any other loving pet owners, we had a funeral for her.

It was a real labor of love. It fucking took me like an hour to dig a whole big enough to fit the whole shoe box she was getting buried in.

I'm gonna miss that little fucker with all her soft fur and sharp little teeth and all the weird noises she use to make in the middle of the night.

I'll miss how I was always saving your ass from the so-called "friends" you had who were always threatening to skin you alive just to make a partial scarf or coat from your super soft fur. Oh wait... Those were my friends who did that.

All the same, I miss your little hairy butt. So sad...

Here's to you, my little bundle of fur.

In Loving Memory of Echo a.k.a., Chinchilla a.k.a., Tila Tequila

c. 2008 - August 16, 2009

Sunday, August 9, 2009

My Job Sucks

It's no secret that I hate my job. It's gotten so bad that I think I may actually, physically be allergic to working or at least, working where I'm currently working.

Sounds crazy, right?

But it's true...

Everyday, I go to work, and everyday, no more then 30 minutes after arriving, I start getting a headache which gets progressively worse throughout the day. Then there's this nauseating feeling that I get, which makes me feel like shit.

And everyday, as soon as I leave, I suddenly feel better again.

I should just quit... But then I'd have no money... And that would suck...

I've been doing some job searching because I really starting to feel stressed out. Everyday, I come in to work to face the Evil Troll who attempts to bark orders at me while I'll sit there and ignore her existence.

Not to mention the evil clients and their stupid lies and bullshit. You know damn well that I told you that you were going to have to pay $125 to have your house cleaned and not the $80 you keep trying to get away with. If you wanna bitch about the price then I suggest you stop fucking calling me to schedule you a fucking appointment, because I really don't give a fuck about you getting your damn house cleaned.

You're the asshole who decided that you were too fucking busy, or too fucking important to get your hands dirty to clean your own damn house. If you can't afford it, then I suggest you make the time or find some illegal who doesn't know any better.

It's a pretty fucked up thing when you have to take Benedryl everyday when you get to work. But it's the only thing that stops the headaches and the nausea.

My conclusion: Without a doubt, I'm allergic to my job. It's either the job or the Troll, either way, I really need to find a new job ASAP.

Preferably, in Las Vegas. And within in the month or 2. Anything before then is a also a huge plus. FUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Non Drunk Friendly Products

While I was in Vegas, I had several issues with certain items while I was drunk.

This inspired me to comply a list of Non Drunk Friendly Products.

Non Drunk Friendly Product #1:
Fergalicious Tennis Shoes by Fergie

Real cute to look at. Not so cute to walk in.

I had walked no more then 2 blocks down the strip when I started to feel the blisters forming on the bottom of my feet. I knew I was going to do something really fucked up to those shoes by the end of the night if I was completely inebriated, or even if I wasn't.

At some point, when I was super wasted, I threw the shoes in some bushes as I screamed in my drunken stated, "You suck! Go fuck yourself!".

My sister in her inebriated stated apparently retrieved the shoes with the intent to keep them, but then gave them back 3 days later.... I wonder why?

Final Verdict: This product is Non Drunk Friendly. Hell, it's not Sober Friendly. These shoes fucking HURT!

Non Drunk Friendly Product #2:
Palm Centro by Palm

It's a great phone while you're sober for the most part, but it takes a while to get use to it.

If you're a phone time user, you probably shouldn't try to use this phone while you're drunk.

While I was asleep (past out) on the floor in the bathroom at the Bellagio Hotel, my sister attempted to use my phone to call her husband who had disappeared in the casino.

The first problem she encountered was that she couldn't remember his number which has absolutely nothing to do with the phone itself. So she decided to call our mom. But she couldn't figure out how to get to the screen to dial numbers (there are several different ways).

Somehow, she accidentally calls Frijolero (of all people) who's back on the East Coast. It was 3:30 am Vegas time so back home it was 6:30 am.

She didn't realize that she had called him and was still dialing numbers when he answered the phone. Quickly figuring out that she was drunk, he hung up and called back. She answered with a sigh of relief, "Thank God you called cause I couldn't figure out how to call people on this damn phone", not realizing that she had actually called him first.

He didn't bother to tell her that she had actually called him first and hung up called our mom and eventually, we got out of there, but no thanks to the Palm Centro.

Final Verdict: The phone is User Friendly if you're sober, but even a familiar sober user would have issues using this phone while drunk. A first time user should never attempt to use this phone while inebriated.

Non Drunk Friendly Product #3:
Lighter by I don't know who the hell makes this damn lighter

Drunk people probably shouldn't be using lighters to begin with, but when you have pull the thing down to make it work its pretty much drunk proof.

At least, I had issues making it work while trying to light a cigarette, therefore making it Non Drunk Friendly.

I never did get the lighter to work and I never did get that cigarette which in retrospect was probably not a bad thing considering that cigarettes tend to push an already drunk person over the edge of drunkness.

Final Verdict: I have no issues with this lighter while I'm sober, most of the time. But once I'm drunk, it's definitely Non Drunk Friendly.

From here on out, I think I'm going to just keep tabs on products that are Non Drunk Friendly and post them as I come across them.

If any one has a story of a Non Drunk Friendly product, send me your story and I'll post it. Us drunk people gotta stick together, lol.

Send stories and pictures of the Non Drunk Friendly Product to

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Cross Country: Colorado - Nevada

Finally, the final part of the road trip from Colorado through Nevada.


(Not my picture, but I guess that's what happens when you let incompetent people take pictures for you while you're driving).

Took more pictures in Colorado then anywhere else that we drove through. The roads were all twisty turny and it took a while to get use to the altitude and driving up and down the mountains.

I guess you could say that it was very mountainy.

But I really wanted to stay there.

There was some part where it started to turn all deserty before crossing into Utah that we stopped to eat Chinese and it was fucking awesome!

Better then anything I've ever eaten back home. But then again, I live in a shithole... Or so I thought until I reached Utah, but I'll get to that in a minute.

Colorado was amazing and I'm definitely going to plan a trip to go back there.


Nothing but endless miles and miles of deserty desert. No signs of life and endless possibilities to hide dead bodies.

Utah must be a serial killers utopia. Even the dumbest of killers could get away with the perfect murder in Utah.

I wouldn't be surprised if every single missing persons remains ended up in Utah. It's the one place no one would ever bother to look and even if they did they would never find a body.

Driving through I-70 West, no of us had any cell phone service for over 5 hours. Not to mention that we never even saw a cop car. Not one. And other then truck drivers, there were barely any other cars passing through.

No wonder those polygamists people got away with having sex with 14-year-olds for so long. There's no one out there to stop them.

Utah was absolutely miserable. I was so miserable that I wanted to either kill myself or kill other people, which led me to the conclusion that Utah breeds suicidal serial killers.

Nothing but hundreds of miles of this:
Just about every Interstate exit had no service stations and at one point there was a sign that stated that "No Service Station Next 100 Miles".

Just like that. No warning at the last service station or nothing.

100 miles later when there were suppose to be service stations you still had to drive 25 miles away from the Interstate just to get to it.

I did manage to come up with a fabulous idea about Utah.

What if, we moved the few people who do live in Utah and turned the whole state into a giant correctional facility for all the dangerous inmates, pedophiles, and rapist?

They could all ass fuck and kill each other and if they try to escape, it's ok because they'd probably die out in the desert before making it anywhere near civilization anyways.

Oh, and the people I encountered there were miserable assholes. Except for the one drunk at the gas station between the border of Colorado and Utah.

He was nice but admittedly stated that living in Utah was miserable and there's nothing to do but drink all day cause his life sucked.

That little skanky bitch that worked at the Wendy's was a complete bitch and rightfully so. After all, you do work at a Wendy's in the middle of the desert and you're ugly. That's 3 strikes. Boy must your life suck.

Arizona is very canyony. But we didn't drive through Arizona long enough for me to form an opinion about the state except for that it was canyony.

I was kind of pissed when I saw the State line sign blocking the Welcome sign. What dumb ass came up with that idea?

Anyways, my adventure out here is only beginning so there's not much to tell you thus far. But I can't promise to keep you all updated on everything I do.

You know the saying, "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas".

Friday, July 17, 2009

Cross Country: Illinois-Nebraska

So I'm just getting around to updating everything that happened on my trip across the country.

So here are the highlights of my trip Illinois through Nebraska.


We pretty much drove straight through Illinois with nothing eventful happening.


I had a lot of mean things to say about Iowa, like how there was nothing but farm land and highways with no lights. It was very farmy.

There was a sign for a Rock Museum which I thought was pretty lame but if that's all they had to offer.

There was also a sign that proclaimed that the bridge of The Bridges of Madison Square County was located somewhere in the vicinity.

I was in shock and disbelief when we passed an Adult Super Store in the middle of a cornfield that stated it was open24/7 which I thought was both odd and creepy.

It left me thinking that the men of Iowa have nothing better to do then shoot the shit at sex stores while the women were all apparently adulterous whores.

However, before crossing the border from Iowa into Nebraska, we stopped at a McDonalds.

I had ordered the Boy Son a happy meal but he was upset that he didn't get the toy he wanted.

I was in absolute shock when the lady behind the registered asked him which toy he wanted and then went to go find it for him.

Something like that would've never happened back home because all the McDonalds employees are so disgruntled and angry that they work at McDonalds.

When we were leaving, I was in shock again as they offered us free bottle water for the dogs and even offered to give us a bowl to give it to them in.

Iowa may not have much to offer, but the people there are ridiculously nice.


More farmy land for miles and miles. I was getting pretty sick of seeing endless cornfields and cows.

We passed a slaughter house which was full of fat cows just waiting to be killed and eaten.

They looked absolutely delicious and I actually contemplated pulling over and stealing a cow so I could kill it and eat it.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Cross Country: Pennsylvania-Indiana

I decided that while I'm here in Denver, that I should take the time to catch anyone who's interested about the kinda things I've encountered so far on this cross country road trip. I'm only going to highlight the interesting points of each state of crossed.

Add Video
I saw real life Amish people doing Amish-people things. Didn't catch it on camera cause we passes by so quick but it was pretty cool all the same.

(Totally missed the welcome sign thanks to my MOM)

At a tool booth somewhere around the Cleavland area (I think), we passed some signs for hotels (Holiday Inn, Days Inn, you know... the normal ones).

However, since the road split in 2 ways and there was no sign as to which way to take, we asked the old white guy if he could direct us to the hotels.

He tells us, "Stay to the left". So we did.

But there was no sign of any hotels that were familiar to us. They we're only 3 "Serial Killer Inns". You know, the kind of motels that you see in the movies where unsuspecting victims take the word of a "kindly stranger" who they assume is trying to help them but in reality, they are really trying to set them up to be killed by some Serial Killer cause they're all in cahoots together...

Naturally, we got right back on the interstate, otherwise I wouldn't be here to blog about it.


Passed right by Gary, but we didn't exit off. No point.

I also had a strange encounter with a girl at a truck stop (non-sexual in case you were wondering). But that story is so out the blue that I'm gonna save that for it's own little blog.

Got a few more states that I've already crossed through, but I'm sleepy now and got to wake up to make the final leg of my journey. Can't wait to make it to Vegas.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Vegas, Here I Come!

So, today's the big day.

My moms got all her shit packed in a Uhaul (well, most of it) and she's starting her journey to Las Vegas.

I'm still super pissed off about being an orphan, but she needs someone to help her drive cross country and she's willing pay my fair back to shit-land so why not take her up on a free trip to Las Vegas. Not to mention that she's offered to pay me for the days I'll miss from working.

Of course, I've decided to turn this opportunity into a little mini vacation, so I told Frijoleros mom that I would come back to work sometime in between 7-10 days. It's actually going to be more like 10-14 days, but they'll get over it.

He'll get over it, too. Did I mention that he's not coming along? You know the saying, "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas". Hehe.

We were to set off on this mega long road trip at 6 AM, but of course as always, my mom is running behind schedule, so now we're set to leave at 11 AM which is better for me cause I wasn't gonna wake up that fucking early any damn ways. I'm so glad I'm not hung over cause I had a little mini get together last night and, ummmmmmm, yea....

One of the good things about my mom leaving is that I got one of my 2 dogs that she's been holding hostage back.

This is Dakota:

At age 13 (she'll be 14 in October), she my oldest Jack Russell.

Jupiter Almighty, still remains hostage and will be moving to Vegas, which sucks because I really like that damn dog. She's just such a fucking asshole... but a really sweet asshole.

Frijolero better be good to my dogs while I'm gone or I'm so seriously gonna kick his ass when I get back. I'm leaving the house with 3 dogs and expect to come home to 3 dogs.

I hate cat people. They're so lame.

For all of you who'll be at work or doing something lame while I'm gone, I'll take a couple extra shots in your honor!

Viva Las Vegas, bitches!

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

The People I Meet: Part I

This is a pretty long story, so I'm going to break it down into parts. Consider this part 1.

Here we go:

This past Saturday, I headed out to see fireworks with my family.

It was a nice day... Not too hot and not too cold.

Frijolero managed to piss me off almost immediately after we got there and so he went off to the park while I searched for a spot to set out the blanket so that when the firework show got started, we'd have a good view.

Not long after I had settled in, I was approached by a seemingly normal human being who complimented me on my purple hair.

She asked if she could join me so I figured, why not? I mean I thought she was normal.

Oh, how wrong I was...

It took me about 15 minutes to realize that this crazy bitch was on something... I initially assumed she was drunk but then realized that it could be alcohol.

That's when she offered to sell me some of her Valum. BINGO.

Of course, I declined because I don't take drugs from strangers.

So naturally, she did what any normal crazy person would do and said to me, "Fuck. I like you. I'm gonna give you some free Valum".

Just what I wanted. I pretended to take the pill to get the crack head to stop pestering me, but with a quick slide of hand, I actually put it under the blanket that I was sitting on.

Eventually, the family came back to join me. When she saw the Boy Son, she asked me if he was mine and I told her yeah.

To which she replied, "You're so lucky that you have your kids. Cause I don't have mine".

She told me some strange story about her first child living in Pennsylvania, but that she technically hadn't lost custody of her 2nd child. Her ex-husband had apparently taken the 2nd child and denied her from seeing him. I wonder why...

She then went on about how she had been sober from alcohol since October 2008 and no drugs either.

I wanted to laugh at that, but she's crazy so that probably wouldn't have been a good idea.

She must've forgotten about the Valum she had offered me 15 minutes earlier, or I guess maybe she doesn't count prescription drugs as real drugs.

She then asked me one of the weirdest questions anyone has ever asked me. She asked, "Hey. Are all your teeth real? Like are they all really your teeth?"

"Ummmmm. Yeah. At least, the last time I checked they were", I said to her.

She replied, "Oh. That's cool. I'm only 30 and I only have 4 teeth. All of my top teeth are fake".

She then pulled out her teeth to show me.

"Ummmmm, what happened to all your teeth?", I asked her.

"Oh, they all fell out cause I use to fall down a lot of stairs when I was drunk", she answered.

Yep. She was about as normal as they come.

What is it about me that attracts all these crazy people? Why do I meet all the crazies? Why me? Does this mean that I must be crazy, too?

Coming soon: The Crack Head and the Guatemalan.

Monday, June 22, 2009

The Cheap Lame Ass & His 2 Boxes of Expired Cereal

It's probably not professional to do this, but since when have I cared?

Sooo, these last couple of days I've been dealing with this client who is not only petty but a pain in the ass, and apparently a liar on top of it all.

Long story short, he hires our cleaning company to come an clean his moms house, request that the cleaners throw away everything that looks useless or like trash, and when they do, he bitches about it and sends me pictures.

Why all the fuss, you ask?

Because the cleaners threw away a nasty, dirty shower curtain, a broken trash can, and 2 boxes of cereal that expired in 2006.

If you ask me, we did him a fucking favor.

This is the 1st email he sent me:

Here are pictures of stuff that was thrown away. I tried to use descriptive names. We need to have replaced:

* Shower Curtain
* small trash can (for the bathroom)
* two boxes of 20 oz. Honeycomb cereal (the two boxes had cereal in them, one was half empty, the other one was just about full)

Its unacceptable that they threw her stuff away like this.

This is really not good. My mother hasn't been able to take a shower because she has no shower curtain. Can someone go to her house today and put a shower curtain up for her, along with taking her a small trash can and 2 boxes of Honeycomb. She cannot sit in the tub because of her handicap. She has to sit on the chair and there is no way for her to shower because the water will splatter everywhere. Please let me know what you can do ASAP.

Email is the best communication with me during the day.

(I don't know. Maybe it's just me, but this shit all kinda looks like, ummmm, trash).

After reviewing the pictures, no one over here thought that we owed this guy a dime, but my mother-in-law offered to buy this guy a new shower curtain all the same. So I sent him this email:

Mr. M,

Although we cannot come out tonight to replace the shower curtain, as we are not in the area, we will certainly make the time to come out tomorrow.

As for the cereal boxes, it was explained to me by Maria that the 2 cereal boxes were thrown out due to their expiration date. They both had expiration dates in 2006.

We sincerely do apologize for our mistake in throwing out items that we mistook for trash. Our crew tried to use their better judgment in determining what should be thrown out and what should be kept.

As stated before, we will take her a new shower curtain and put it up for her tomorrow whenever it is most convenient for her.

Thank you for your patients and again, we apologize for any inconvenience that this matter has caused you and your mother.

I'm thinking after he realizes that we did him and his mom a favor by throwing out the cereal boxes, all would be well, and all we'd have to replace is the shower curtain, maybe the trash can, even though it was already broken, but that would be it.

I mean, if you zoom into the picture he sent of the cereal, you can see that it expired in 2006. How can we possibly be responsible for replacing old cereal? I mean the evidence is in his own picture.

But no... Apparently, he's a broke ass mother fucker he's more then likely single and destined to stay that way forever cause he's a fucking scrub.

So this is the email he sent back:

Considering all the stuff that was thrown out, I am not asking for a lot. Trash can come from a dollar store. They threw away her insulin needles. They threw away her clothes. I had to dig threw garbage to recover what I recovered. And I have ti clean all of that stuff before giving it back. All I am asking for is a shower curtain, small inexpensive trashcan and two boxes of cereal. I didn't see the expiration date. The bottom line is I was told numerous times that they would not throw anything away without asking. If they would had said " look at this date on this cereal, do you want me to throw it away?" then we wouldn't be talking about it. But, that didn't happen. What happened was I found the boxes of cereal with a bunch of other stuff that should never have been thrown away. So, I never tried to rationalized why they threw that away when it didn't make sense to throw the other stuff away. Like I said before, considering the circumstances, I am not asking for a lot.

There was a lot I wanted to say in response to this email, but of course didn't because things would've ended very ugly.

It's funny how he's suddenly forgotten that he was the one who instructed the cleaners to throw away everything that looked like trash.

You know what I think? I think you're a fucking looser and I bet your ugly and miserable. You should probably go kill yourself to take yourself out of your fucking misery because now you wont be able to eat 2 boxes of expired cereal. How unfortunate for you, you ugly, fat, bastard...

A day or 2 passed by and I didn't get back to this idiot right away cause I had more important shit to deal with then a shower curtain, a trash can and 2 expired cereal boxes. Not to mention that in his last email, he was trippin pretty hard about the cereal boxes that he never actually responded to when he wanted us to come back out to put up a new shower curtain for his mom.

That's when I got this email:

Its been three days since we discussed the missing items. As Maria knows, my mother is handicapped and limited as far as moving around. She can't compensate for not having a shower curtain like you or I can. She hasn't been able to take a shower since your workers threw the shower curtain away. I had to purchase her a shower curtain last night since you never responded to me. I will be emailing you a scanned copy of the receipt today when I get home. Let's please bring this matter to a close. If I haven't heard from you by Monday COB (which will make one week since the work was done), I will be contacting the Better Business Bureau as well as the Office Of Consumer Affairs. I will also seek legal action for the of the items thrown away. Now, is it truly worth having public marks against your business over a shower curtain, small trash can, and two boxes of cereal? I am really not asking for a lot.

I don't take threats very well. In fact, I'm more likely to act out of rage or anger then just bend over backwards to make the problem go away.

And even though it wouldn't cost a lot to shut his sorry broke ass up, he came about it the wrong way and I ain't nobodies bitch, fuck face, so you just really fucked up on this one.

Lucky for him, my mother-in-law was notified about this email and knowing what a little nasty temper I have, decided to call this guy and deal with him herself.

From what she told me, she put him in his place, told him that we were only going to replace the shower curtain, and to email me the receipt so that I could pass it along to her.

I was relived to hear that she had finally gotten through to that asshole.... That is until... This email arrived this morning:

I spoke with your mother-in-law. She said that she would like to schedule a time to come out and see me and discuss the items that were thrown away. She said that she would reimburse me for the items thrown away. I am hoping I understood her correctly because there was a little break down in communication. Anyway, I was trying to see if we could meet today. Today will not work. She said that they are only out in my mother’s area on Monday’s and Tuesdays. So, would like to see if we could set up a time on next Monday. If we do it on Monday, would like to set up a time that is before she starts her first job. Reason being, the last two times I set up appointments with her, she was very late. The first time she had to cancel. I work during the day time and I have to take time out to meet with her. The first time, I had to take 2 hours off from work, and the last time about 3.5 hours off from work. So, I figure if we can set up a time that is before her first job, then we can avoid that problem. Since she is not cleaning, her visit shouldn’t take long.

She asked me to send you a list of items I expect to be replaced. Here it is:

1. shower curtain (already purchased and you have a copy of the receipt)
2. small trash can (for the bathroom)
3. Two 20 oz boxes of Honeycomb. (understand what she was saying about the expiration date, but no one got our permission to throw them away. I cannot confirm the expiration dates because the dates were not pointed out to me before they were thrown away and I did not look at the dates when I retrieved them because I had no reason to at the time. But, because they were thrown away without our permission, they should be replaced)
4. Denture cup (my mother could not find it and I confirmed that it is missing.

5. She also could not find the box of Polident for Partials that was on the sink. I also confirmed that it was missing

That’s it. Please give me your earliest time available for next Monday. Once again, I need a time that she can stick to. It can be as early as she needs it to be. Thanks.

This means WAR, bitch.

First of all, you're cheap and/or broke.

Second of all, you know damn well that no one touched your moms denture cup or polident

Third of all, go look at the fucking pictures that YOU sent me so you can see for yourself that those boxes of cereal expired in 2006, so no we're not going to replace them.

Forth of all, how much you wanna bet, he's one of the losers who's responded to my ads on craigslist and probably kept responded after I said something completey outrages?

And last, but not least, I'm not responding to anymore of your bullshit emails, cause it's time to get this over with.

I left that stupid bitch a voicemail shortly after I received this email, and I don't care how shit comes out. This stupid fuck is about to get ripped a new asshole.

I'll let you know how it goes...

Friday, June 19, 2009

New Employee

So apparently, sometime this week, we got a new employee.

He don't do shit, but lay around the desk all day, eat, shit, and sleep.

Meet O.C., short for Office Cat:

Not to be confused with O.C., short for Orange Cat:

I'm not really sure where this new cat came from, but he kinda smells bad and I get the feeling that he may possible be infested with ticks or other disgusting parasites like "Dakaren" (I totally made that up and I'll explain it to you one of these days).

All I know about O.C. (Office Cat), is that up until he moved into the office, he was homeless. He eats like a greedy little whore bastard and I'm almost positive that his mom has no idea who her baby daddy is and is more then likely pregnant with her 7th litter of bastard baby cats.

Then again, it's also likely that she could be be roadkill at this point. Who knows?

The other O.C. (Orange Cat), may or may not be infected as well and we know for a fact that his mom was a whore, but he's never been homeless and he occasionally sees a vet.

So there you have it. Office Cat.

He smells terrible, doesn't do shit but sleep, he's infested with parasites and his mom is a whore who may or may not be decaying in the middle of a highway somewhere. How exactly is this suppose to bring up office morale?

Ummm, yeah... Ok...

Thursday, June 11, 2009

All Alone

Recently, my mom broke me with the news that she was moving.

At first, I was like, "Yeah. OK. Sure. Whatever".... That is, until she told me where she was moving to.

Apparently, she's decided to move across the country to join my sister out in Las Vegas.

My mother is abandoning me and I'm going to be an orphan.

Yes, I do realize that I'm 28-years-old and that by now I should be able to fend for myself, not to mention that I'm a little too old to be classified an orphan and I do have a family of my own now, but that's not the point!

It was hard enough when my sister left me, plus it was really irritating when I realized that my mom was slowly weaning me off her financial support.

She kinda was paying my cell phone bill up until 2 years ago, plus I had access to her ATM card for 2 of her account, just in case (now I only have access to 1), and up until 2 weeks ago she was paying my car insurance.

Not only is she cutting me off, but now she's leaving me and I'll be here all alone... with a husband, a 3-year-old, 2 dogs, a cat, a turtle and a chinchilla. ALONE.

Let's face it, Frijolero is just plain evil and the odds are we'll only get divorced anyways, so I should just pack my shit and relocate to Vegas and live with my mom so that she'll never leave me again.

Unfortunately, we're kinda not speaking since I kinda had a mini temper tantrum when she told me she was leaving in July (Come on, now. She could've at least better prep me).

So I've kinda temporarily disowned her for so selfishly not considering my feelings about being abandoned and being left an orphan.

Who the hell is gonna take care of me now? I'm all ALONE!!!

Fuck, this is sooo depressing... I need a drink... :(

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Pulled Over... Again...

Driving around with suspended tags, I was bound to get pulled over eventually.

Supposedly, for failure to make a complete stop at a stop sign *Cough*bullshit...


Ha ha, I just got new tags last week and I'm not longer driving dirty. Take that you evil cop bastard.

He gave me a warning and I went on my way feeling both annoyed and relief.

If that shit would've happened last week, there might have been a slight problem. Just a little one.

Luckily, it wasn't though so who cares?