Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Die, Bitch, Die

So I wrote a poem called "Die, Bitch, Die". It's about no one in particular and is dedicated to all those stupid cunts who don't deserve to breathe. There's a lot of those out there so don't take it personal if it hits a little too close to home.

You're ugly and you're mean
You act like you're 14
You're a nasty smelly cunt
Why don't you die, bitch, die

You serve no purpose in this life
You're a loser and bad wife
Go find something better to do
Your own brother can't stand you
Do us all a favor and die, bitch, die

You've turned into enemies, all your friends
Bet no one cares when you die in the end
And since no one really likes you
Why don't you die, bitch, die

You're a homophobic little bitch
And the biggest hypocrite
I wish they'd find you in a ditch
Why can't you die, bitch, die?

Selling your cunt is all you know how to do
Here's five bucks, now I own you
I'll sit and watch as Bob fucks you
You'll want to die, bitch, die

Then he'll whisper in your ear
You like this fat cock, don't you dear?
When he's done, you'll sit alone in tears
And wish you'd die, bitch, die

You sold you're body to fix your car
You should feel like a rock star
Were you drunk and coke up too?
I bet those nasty, sweaty men really liked you
You still don't have a clue
What STD's they all gave you
I'm sure you're feeling like
You want to die, bitch, die

You're all alone in the end
It's no use, so don't pretend
So just die, bitch, die

Monday, September 22, 2008

Angry Girlfriend Gets Married???

So the rumors have it that I got hitched.

It's true... don't ask. Like everything else in my life, this was an impulse decision. I have no reason whatsoever for getting married, I simply did it cause I can.

On the plus side, I'll now be able to legally take half of everything Cornholio owns. On the negative side, I now can't impulsively marry a woman in Canada if I ever make that trip up north.

Oh well... C'est la vie...

You can't have it all...

Since some of you are probably wondering, I'll say this much:

The bride wore a pair of ripped jeans, a black t-shirt from Old Navy and a pair of New Balance sneakers.

No one really cares about what men wear so I'll leave that part out since its really irrelevant.

The Grooms sister had this much to say:

To which I say, yes, yes I did force him to get married... and penetrate my anus with his penis... and to perform and receive oral sex... and give me a facial...

Yes I admit it... I forced him to do all those things... I'm such a horrible person.

Cunts like that shouldn't even be allowed to have an opinion, let alone breathe. What a fucking dumb ass cunt... But enough about that. It's not really relevant to anything anyways.

So yep, I got married and had sex in this really super big hot tub. I also gambled and lost $60 in Atlantic City ($60 is a lot when you're poor).

On a completely irrelevant topic, my asshole itches. I know that no one cares to hear that and I should probably just scratch it, but I really enjoy sharing this type of information with people.

Who wants to come scratch it?

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

I've Been Very Naughty... Again...

After the whole craigslist thing, I decided that I was curious to see what would happen if I tried combining 2 of my favorite passtimes together: placing bogus ads on craigslist and pretending to be a white promiscuous slut on yahoo who only chats with Indians.

So I placed yet another ad on craigslsit (yea, I know I said I'd stop... so I lied, get over it). This was the ad:

Looking for a Virgin - w4m - 35 (maryland)

Reply to: [?]
Date: 2008-09-10, 10:59AM EDT

I am a hot, attractive and very experience 35 year old woman whose ultimate fantasy is to have sex with a virgin.

I would prefer someone who is foreign to the country, like possibly Indian or African. I like the idea of corrupting people who aren't use to the concept of sex with no strings attached.

However any virgin will do. My only requirement is that you be at least 21 years old or older.

Yet again, it didn't take long for my inbox to become flooded with emails. Unfortunatly, this time around my ad was flagged after only 20 minutes. However, that was all the time I needed to get caught up being naughty again. So here we go again for the 2nd time this week. Fuck, it's only Wednesday. What the hell is wrong with me?

So here goes another set of collection of emails with my replies. You'll notice that this time it was a little harder to shake one of the guys off. Guess it took him a while to figure out that maybe my offer wasn't as appealing as it sounded:

Email #1:
I am hoping this post is real. i'll do anything, anything to be with you and have you corrupt me. i am 26 years old virgin, middle eastern, fooled around but i have never had an intercourse, i have been looking for an older lady to teach me, show me what good sex really is , i have been looking for ages but i either blowed some opportunities or wasn't lucky enough, i hope i am luck enough today. please reply soon, you don't know how much i want this.

I have more pics if you want, i'll send them . can't wait to join you in your fantasy and have my fantasy and yours cum true... reply soon.

My Reply:
How have you managed to stay a virgin so long??? Ur sooo super sexy. You've got a quality about you that reminds me of borat, hes so hot, but you're hotter. You look soo manly and I know that you could really put it down on me once I show you how to do it.
My vagina just got soo wet lookin at you and I just cant wait to take advantage of your little foreign ass.
I'm gonna email you my picture when I get out of work so u can see what I look like. I think u'd be pleasantly surprised.
In the meantime, let me tell you about what kinda things i like sexually.

I am a very kinky... I like to have my hair pulled, ass smacked, nipples pinched till they turn red. I wanna tie you up to the bed and tickle you with feathers, then pour hot wax on you and rip out all your chest hairs one by one. I'll pull down you pants, blow on ur dick and make you hard, then smack it till it goes soft again. I'll blow u again and get u hard, then I'll put my wet dripping pussy right on top your dick and glide down. I'll fuck the shit out of u and smack you hard while I'm doing it. I wanna stick a cork screw up ur ass or maybe something longer and thicker like a cucumber, because your about to become my bitch.... I'm so excited to meet up with u....

His reply back:
oh my god . you have no idea how much i am longing for this. how much i want it soo bad .. and how much i want you so bad, i can't wait to see your pic when you get out of work , and also to know your address so i can come over and get the fun started.

as i told you , i just don't know how i didn't get laid till now, it was always no luck even with some compliments i get from other girls and like yourself. i want us to fuck soo hard and soo long as i always dreamed of . you have no idea, how much i am looking for this.

My cock is so hard just thinking about you and what you told me we will be doing. I want you to take full advantage of me, baby. do anything you want.

looking forward to seeing you soon.

My reply back:
I've got sooo many things that I want to do to u... I'm gonna sit on your face and your gonna lick up all of my vaginal fluids... i may squirt in your mouth so be prepared to drink it like its water. I'm gonna please both your penis and your asshole because I know that you would love to have me shove things up your ass once i pop your penile cherry.

I hope that you don't mind the taste of my vagina cause I've heard that there it has a tart taste and a rather unpleasant smell. But other then that I think we could have a lot of fun together.

I think its best if we met up at your place or at a hotel because my ex-boyfriend is still currently living with me and he would more then likely be upset that I brought another man over to the house, unless he was also invited to join in.

His reply back:
I think it'd be good to get a room in a hotel as i have roommates living with me now and i just wanna have you totally for me tonight, so we can get all wild and crazy together, forget the whole world while in bed with each other, I can't wait till you do every single idea you have on mind... i won't mind your vaginal juices at all. i am sure i will love them . tell me. baby , do you shave down there? would you like to shave my pubic hair ?
I just keep thinking of you and get harder and bigger , i wanna have you tons of times. you sound like lots of fun and i am sure we will enjoy each other to the fullest, i just hope you ill be patient with me ...

what area should we get the hotel room at ??

My reply back:
great! so hotel it is... u never told me what area u live in so I can have some sort of clue of where to get us a room.
my pussy is sooo hairy its like a wild african forest. My pussy hairs are soo long I could braid them if I wanted. My last boyfriend would always complain about my long pussy hairs because I refused to shave, but I know you'd love to suck on my super engorged clitoris and pussy hairs.
We could shave your pubic hairs if you like cause sometimes my pussy hairs get tangled with other peoples pubic hairs and then we get stuck together which isnt alot of fun when you havent showed in 3 days.

I look forward to hearing from u... be sure to let me know what area ur close to so i can get a room..

His reply back:
i live in fairfax, VA .. .. i was thinking i will shave it for you but i forgot the "me" part in that scentence, hehehe . i am so hairy right now , i don't mind us getting tangled together down there. ofcourse , i would like to suck on your clitoris and everything you have ...

what time do you get off work ? and what time do you think we can meet ? i have a car and can drive to any hotel or place in the area..
where do you live/work ?

i can't wait to be with you, babe

My reply back:
I'm gettin sooo wet just thinking about u... Keep all ur pubs for me, I'll shave them for you when you come and see me.
I sent u my pic... its a nude so u can see exactly all of this juicy, plumb, goodness that you'll be gettin... I hope we can meet up on Friday cause i'm stuck in meetings today and tomorrow....
mmmm I just can't wait to see u in person cause thinking about you has got me clitoris errected!

His reply back:
oh baby, i wanna lay my hands on your .. i'll keep them for you to do whatever you want with them .. are you going to be off on friday? i hope you are so we can enjoy each other the whole day,
i am just getting so horny and hot now , you have idea how much i want to suck on that clitoris of yours, i can't wait to see you in person too. my cock is soo hard thinking about you too!!

My reply back:
I hope this means u loved my pic... I have to work Friday but I'll try to take off from work just for you...
I can't wait to pour hot sauce all over you're penis and watch u scream as it burns, then suck it all off... I'm gonna make u fuck my asshole with a baseball bat while you're eating my smelly cunt, and then once I come hard on your forehead, I'll let you stick you're little prink inside my moist batting cage.

Cant wait!!!! muuuuuuuah

His reply back:
mmmmmmmmm, you are soo wild you know that ?
is your name , Jez??
i wanna know the name of my new lover. are you gonna do all this things to a virgin who never felt a real pussy grabbing his dick and pleasing it ... i don't mind getting wild , soo soo wild with you , i like every single wild idea u told me about today, i wanna pull ur hair and pull ur vaginal hairs and spread the lips wild as i eat your cunt ... take off from work, baby , we both need this soo much ..

My reply back:
Yes, my name is Jez
I"m so exited to be with u, i think we'll have a good time... I hope that u dont mind going bareback.... I don't want to use a condom because i'm allergic to latex and condoms tend to get tangled in my long pubic hairs and get stuck. It really hurts.

I've been tested for std's and the last time I checked, all I had was genital warts and a mild case of gonorrhea. Nothing too serious, so it's no big deal...

I think you're gonna love the warmth of pussy. Dont get too startled if u see white specks in my pubic hairs... Its just a mild case of pubic lice which is why we should defiantly shave yours off.

His reply:
Jez, I am just wondering if you have pubic lice why don't you shave so it'd be easier to cure.

Are you taking any medications ?

My last and final reply:

Shaving leaves razor burns that make my pussy look like its infected with herpes.

I promise you wont get my pubic lice as long as we shave off all of your pubic hairs... believe me, I've had sex with lots of guys and none of them ever got my pubic lice... only chlamydia

Email #2:
I am Indian Asian Male . I am 30yo clean professional male. I work in IT in silver spring.
Let me know if you want to meet.
wait for your reply

My reply back:
I'm gonna send u a pic when i get home from work... I know u'll love my sexy body... my face, not so much... but i know u wont mind...

I got soo wet when I saw the pic of your virgin penile shaft. My vaginal canal is dripping with cherry red juices, i'm sure you dont mind a little blood on your dick. I just tend to get so much hornier during my time of month.

I'm gonna suck you dry and then have u fuck me from behind while I reach back and pull harshly on your testicles. I wanna beat your balls like a punching bag.

Theres gonna be soo much blood running from my vagina that its gonna look like the Texas Chainsaw Massacre when I'm done with u.... oooo yea... mmmm... cant wait to get me a piece of ur sexy habibi ass...

His reply back:
wait for your pics . you really sound horny.

My reply back:
Here's my pic... its a nude... i figured u wouldnt mind since we're going to gettin very intimate very soon!!!
I'm so horny for your erected penile to enter this think ass, punani... u are going to be in heaven as I suffocate u with all my body weight...

It'll be ecstasy... leave me your number so I can call u later. muaaahhh baby
Email #3:
Hi ,
It's embarrassing to say i am a virgin and i am 28. I have been monk all my life. and just released. I am here in US to pursue education. I am a good looking indian. Write to me .

My reply:
mmmm a virgin monk... thats soo naughty... u and me need to have a play date...
are u still a monk? I'd love to get under you monk dress and blow your brains out.
are u up for anything because i would to get my strap on and fuck u before you fuck me...
that maybe a little too much for u since u've never had sex, but I would love for you to stick you virginal monk penile shaft deep into my dark, moist, bat cave.
Who knows what might come crawling out of there since its been a while since i've had sex too. But it's like riding a bike, u never fall off.
I'm gonna put the death grip on your man organ and u'll be stuck to me like glue until I release u. I'd like for you to blow your load on my lips so I can kiss you and we both enjoy the taste of your seaman together.
I have a trick that I do with my vagina that i could show u afterwards... I like to shoot m&m's from my vagina. I have very good vaginal control and I think you would much appreciate it.

In case you're all wondering, this is the pic that I sent all of my "potential suitors":
You can see more of her here: Big Sophie.

I actually learned something doing this... Even on craigslist, Indians are way more interesting... Perhaps it's because they're English sucks and so they assume that everything I say is normal.

It could also be that their desperation to loose their virginity out weighs common sense and so they play the game longer then a normal sex-deprived man would.

Not even a picture of an overweight porn actress could deter these men.

I really need to find a better hobby then taunting sexually deprived, sexual deviants on the internet.

See how far a degree in psychology has gotten me?

Monday, September 8, 2008

A Naughty Little Shit I Am

So other then pretending to be people I'm not on yahoo, I've found a new more interesting way to pass time at work... Craigslist!

Too-Tall and I missed each others vagina's sooo much, so we decided to reconnect by being naughty. The Terrorist was also there but I guess because its Ramadan, she's not allowed to have fun. It's against her religion or something.

I think I'm more in shock that she's actually trying to be a good Muslim... for once. But good for her, because she's really naughty anyways. She's needs some God or Allah or something in her life. (Just kidding. You're not a naughty girl at all. Please don't blow me up.)

Too-Tall really needs Jesus in her life because she likes touching my tongue with her tongue and she likes it when I put my tits in her face.

This is all really irrelevant to Craiglist, so let me get back on track here.

Too-Tall and I posted the following ad on craigslist:

Bored and Jobless

Reply to: [?]
Date: 2008-09-07, 9:53PM EDT

I am female, sexy, and ready for anything. I'm currently unemployed so I have plenty of time to meet up tonight.

I'm really horny and need someone to fulfill my need. Currently on unemployment and own my own condo so we can meet up at my place.

I am looking for a hot, and sexy black male, 21-35, 6'0 or taller. Drug and disease free.

I need to have it put on me. If you send a pic, I will reply with a pic.

Who'd a thought that my inbox would receive 50 replies in like 20 minutes?

Here are some of the more interesting with our even more interesting replies:

Email #1:
Hello Baby,
Will afternoon time be cool with you, cos I am interested in your request, discreetion is important to me I hope you dont mind, however, we can meet in a public place if you dont like what you see we can part ways.

Our reply:
Hi Dave,
yes we can meet in public... and i would bet you that you would not only love this face and body but you would love this wet ass pussy dripping with chlamydia sweat.... my shit is so fuckin wet drippin wit gonorrhea juice, and it feels extra wet and no one would know that its std oriented, its just between you and me... my name is Karen and i am from Alexandria, VA and I went to high point high school... ask anyone and i am hot shit there, this pussy attracts black, white, asian, arab, any type of dick cause the pussy is like that... my shit be squirtin herpe juice cause it stays so lubricated i have so many infections the shit is unreal but its okay because it feels good to the penis and i love to please the penis... my house number is 703-***-****... if you want this pussy ask for my mommy Deborah, aka Debbie.
Email #2:
Midnight works for me. I am home alone but Im 5'7 47 bk m. if you want to.. then email me back with direction

Our reply:
hey i live in Alexandria,Va... my name is Karen... hit me jup if you trynna have some fun i want some big Arab penile in this fat ass juicy sticky ass stinky ass pussy of mine... i drive a blue camry, and my pubic hair is black and curly like Betty Boop... i like to masturbate with forks harshly against my clitoris along with any plumbing appliances such as a plunger that i can FULLY stick up my vaginal canal or any type of suction device that fits somewhat into my vajayjay. i am willing to allow suction devices through my anal canal as long as i get jolly ranchers in return. please let me know if they are multi flavors or only watermelon, because i honestly don't like watermelon flavor. Peace, love and health.

His reply back:
you can have any jolly ranger you want. i am ready are u
Email #3:
6"5 black caribbean male just fired on thursdday have an appt at 2pm but would love to please u BEFORE then if possible iam stressed and NEED to realease lol its funny to find a fellow unemployed person lol anyway I do have a gf so if that's not a problem here iam send me what I need to know lol just got in from x roads lol a tad tipsy lol

Our reply:
hey boo bout to get off the computer but i wana talk to got a number i can reach you at? i'l call blocked so ya girl wont have my number...... and you can give me an alias name if you like...
Email #4:
I saw your post and just had to respond! After all, what sane, heterosexual black male possessing a streak of romance and a pinch of adventurousness would NOT want to explore the possibility of a no-strings, sensual encounter with a woman who is as in touch with her sensuality as you (smile)?
As for who I am, I am a black lawyer who doubles as a lobbyist and law professor (PLEASE don't let that scare you away -- not ALL lawyers and lobbyists are crooks and liars (smile)). I was born in the South, raised abroad, and I now work in DC and live in Northern Virginia.
Physically, I am 6' 1" tall. I am about 195 pounds. I have brown hair and brown eyes. But getting beyond those shallow characteristics, I would describe myself as passionate, fun, adventurous, spontaneous, curious, responsible, mature, intelligent, sensual, discreet, drug- and disease-free, and a romantic.
I have many passions, both inside and outside of the bedroom. I’d love to find someone to share them with.
I'd love to learn more about you, and I hope to hear back from you so we can begin to make those memories together (smile)!
Please know that if I don't hear from you, I will be forced to resume my heretofore unsuccessful practice of hurling grocery carts in the pathways of attractive women who I encounter in the aisles of Whole Foods. Save the ankles of these unsuspecting women. Write me!


Our reply:
Just so you know... I really don't give a shit what you do for a living... you could be a drug dealer for all i care, as long as your disease free, we're good ... i'm not lookin to be wined and dined... just some hot sex and good dick and some one who is easy on the eyes to lay it on me.

you seem to match the description of some one who would peak my interest. apparently there are a lot of idiots on craigslist who can't read, because I could've sworn I specified that I was looking for a black make 6'0 or taller (as you claim to be) and yet, my inbox has been flooded with people who are white, latin and all other shades of the rainbow, not to mention they're midgets.

Just by your writing, I can tell we'd click. You didn't mention your age. Please tell me your not an old fart because I don't dig the whole viagra thing...

Email #5:
I know I am over your age requirement but thought i would give it a shot. I am 42 ys old and need excitement. Let's chat!

Our reply:
Honestly baby boy... I wasnt lookin for an older man, but your pic has got me wetter than the amazon river... i wana put this thick ass pussy on that phat ass dick baby... ready to ride you and give you a taste of this African punani...i got all sorts of spider webs and scoprions crawlin out of this vajayjay, ready to give you an exotic adventure you've never experienced.... just sit back, relax and enjoy the ride i'll give you and i promise you that penile will be in ecstasy... i want you to cum specifically in my left eye ball... thank you baby boy... mmmm i cant wait..... yyyuummm... ps my name is Nikki "Karen" Woldebiest.. but I'm better known as KAREN... mmm you are making me so fuckin wet i cant even lie... call me...

His reply back:
Wow! I wasn't expecting such a wonderful response! That pic of you got all ten inches rising!
You told me to call you baby but there is no number! I hope you love to beaten because that is my specialty!
Keep the scorpions!

Emails are still coming and this is a lot more entertaining then we both expected. And yes they all did send pictures which I have chosen not to post cause even though I'm an asshole, I do have common decency. Besides, humiliation was never the purpose of this little game to begin with.

Being an internet asshole is a good way to pass time at work. I recommend it to anyone with waaaay too much time on their hands.

On a whole different matter... Angry Girlfriend is officially 1-year-old. I'm still not famous and I still don't think anyone reads my blogs. If anyone out there is actually reading this, send me a birthday wish... and a present... (Just thought I'd try).

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Kicking Cornholio to the Curb

Man am I tired of this dude. I'm on the borderline of being fed up and kicking his sorry ass to the curb.

I've got way too much anger and resentment towards this fucktard, that it's seriously dangerous for his health. Not to mention that I'm a ticking time bomb, waiting to blow up right in his stupid little smirky face.

I just wanna grab him by the throat, throw him up against the wall and scream, "Look you stupid asshole. Get your fucking shit together. I'm almost certain that Lorena Bobbit is a distant relative, and all of my anger and rage is really going to hurt you. Only you wont get you're shit reattached, even if I got eat your penis myself to make sure you don't have a chance in hell of getting it reattached. Get your fucking shit together! Fucking ass!"

Yeah... I'm that angry, not to mention frustrated.

I'm already one foot out the door and in Las Vegas at this point.

On a completely irrelevant note, I fucking hate Fruit Roll-Ups. They're all sticky and don't roll off the plastic like the use to. It fucking irritates me and just angers me even more. Don't buy Fruit Roll-ups... They're sticky and they suck.