Wednesday, November 26, 2008


I'm not a big fan of Thanksgiving. Never have been.

I don't see the purpose of celebrating a holiday that marks the betrayal of the white man to the Native Americans.

Straight up, I think this holiday is evil, though I will admit that I don't oppose to accepting Thanksgiving leftovers to those who have more then enough to share. Call me a hypocrite. Fuck if I care.

Besides, who isn't a hypocrite?

Though I am not thankful for this jacked up, massacre of a holiday, I am thankful for other things, like my novela, chocolate, the internet, craigslist and all the stupid people who replied to one of my ads, and liquor (thought you have betrayed me more times then I can count).

I'm also thankful for my vagina, and Cornholio's penis which works wonders when he's not inebriated.

I'm also thankful for my other vagina, Too-Tall (she's an awesome kisser, by the way. I'd recommend her to anyone), my bitch, Shorty (my little pit bull), all the gays and lesbians in my life (there's too many to mention by name and some who probably don't even realize that they're gay yet), Oscar Lobster, Pixie Doodle, Dakota Kota & Jupiter Almighty.

And last, but not least, or rather the number one person I'm thankful for is the Boy Son, who for whatever reason has been recently sticking his head in the toilet every time he feels the need to cough. Doing things like this not only irritate me and piss me the fuck off, but keep me strangely amused and entertained.

I'm also thankful for Lithium, and ecstasy induced flashbacks. And booze... Can't forget the booze...

Special shout out goes to the 2 Drunk Mexicans from last Friday. Thank you for being so stupidly drunk that you gave me something interesting to blog about, not to mention the pictures.

"Becky" would also like to thank all the dumb asses on yahoo who believe that she's a 21-year-old, bi-sexual, college student, who works at the strip club, and owns her own house, yet has nothing to actually prove it. You guys keep me so entertained for hours at a time.

Once again, yes I know that I am an asshole so no need to remind me.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Drunk Mexicans on a Friday Before 5 PM

It never ceases to amaze me, the quantity of alcohol that most Mexicans seem able to tolerate.

While at work yesterday, I happen to look out the window at around 4:20 PM. I happen to see 2 men stumbling around outside.

Still several hours away from Happy Hour, these 2 guy were completely lit up. I mean they could barely even stand, let alone walk to where ever the hell they were headed to anyways.

This is where at all got even more interesting.

Both too drunk to stand, they decided to plop themselves right on my in-laws yard. The first guys pulls out a bottle of what I figured was more then likely rum, and just drank the rest of the bottle straight. As if already, he just wasn't drunk enough.

Well I wasn't going to miss this photo opt, so like the paparazzi, I pulled out my cell phone and started taking pictures from the house.

Here we see the 2 Drunk Mexicans (who are more then likely not Mexican at all, but in fact Salvadorians) laying in some awkward drunken embrace on my in-laws front lawn.

Here we see the 2 Drunk Mexicans still laying on the front lawn. Drunk Mexican #2 appears to be trying to sit himself up...

Drunk Mexican #2 was actually checking to see if his buddy, Drunk Mexican #1, was passed out enough for him to attempt to rob him.

Drunk Mexican #1 got up briefly and Drunk Mexican #2 convinced him to lay back down. Notice how Drunk Mexican #2 looks restless at this point.

Drunk Mexican #2 waits a while, then attempts to rob Drunk Mexican #1... again...

I guess Drunk Mexican #1 wasn't as stoned cold passed out and Drunk Mexican #2 had assumed. Soon after this picture was taken, they both drunkenly stood up, exchanged words, and then stumbled their own separate ways.

I watched as Drunken Mexican #1 went into the house next door. Apparently, he's my in-laws next door neighbor.

Good job, you Drunken Mexicans. Good job.

Not only did you manage to get shit-faced before 5 in the afternoon, you also happen to pass out on the wrong lawn, almost get robbed... twice, have your pictures taken, and then posted on the Internet.

Of course they'll never find out about it cause I'm pretty sure, neither one of them are even computer literate. And so goes on the life of a wetback.

I almost feel sorry for Drunk Mexican #1. With friends like that, who needs enemies?

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Inauguration Day

I had happened to hear that people living in the DC metropolitan area were putting up their houses up for renting for Inauguration Day at ridiculously high prices.

I started to think to myself, "Well I live in the DC area. I wonder how much I could get for my house?"

So back onto Craigslist I went, but this time, my ad is genuine. So this is my ad:

2br - Every one else is renting their homes for Inauguration, might as well (Maryland)

Reply to: [?]
Date: 2008-11-19, 9:35AM EST

Approx a 20 minute drive to downtown DC. Close to shopping centers. Less then a mile to I-95.

I have a 2 story condo. 2 Bedrooms, 1 full bath, 1/2 bath.

If you want to have a smoke out on my deck, that's fine, but absolutely no smoking inside the house.

Also, if you're pets are house trained, you're more then welcomed to bring them for the week.

You get the whole place to yourself. I wont be around because to be quite honest, I really don't care about the whole Inauguration thing.

$10,000 for the whole week or best offer. If you're interested in a shorter stay, we can still work something out.


Like I said, I really don't care about the Inauguration thing, so I wont be around anyways. Might as well make some cash while I'm away.

Now of course, I don't actually expect to make that much money from renting my house for a week, but I figured, start high cause people will surely respond and bid low.

I do have a magic number in mind, and if I get that offer, I surely wouldn't mind being inconvenienced for a week, maybe less.

I would tell you guys but, who knows. Someone out there reading my blog might actually be interested in renting my house for Inauguration Day.

They say it's a historical event. Personally, I don't really see the big deal. The new president being sworn in is just a darker shade of white.

Anyhow, let the bidding wars begin!

Friday, November 14, 2008

Addicted to a Spanish Novela

Of all the people I know, I am the last one who anyone would ever guess would become addicted to a Telenovela.

But yes, tragically, I have become addicted to a novela called "Sin Senos No Hay Paraiso", which translates to "Without Breast, There's no Paradise".

I have lost complete focus of the world around me, and when my novela is on, I turn off all the ringers to all the phones.

Friends who have come to visit me during my holy hour have been ignored as I watch my novela in anticipation of what's gonna happen next.

It centers around Catalina and her family and friends. She and her brother, Byron, both drop out of high school. He goes to work as a hired assassin and she along with the some of the other neighborhood school girls also decided to work. But like her brother, these aren't your average high school students.

Oh no, these girls are high class escorts who sleep with narco's for tons of money and prestige.

Narco's being the narcotic traffickers.
Of course, in Spanish novela's, even the villains can be smokin'.

Watching the show, you tend to forget that these girls are technically portraying underage prostitutes.

There was also that tiny, little issue of how several of the girls had unknowingly trafficked heroin from Colombia to Mexico in their breast implants.

But, to be quite honest, it's not what the novela is about that keeps me watching. These girls are hot. I mean really hot. And though that is the case with most latin women, there is one particular girl that really peaks my interest.

They call her La Diabla (The Devil). If I were ever to become a madam and pimp out my friends, I would hope that I could be as evil and conniving, yet loyal, just like she is. (Well she was pretty loyal, except for the fact that she slept with Catalina's husband and set her up, but for the most part she was loyal).

For those of you who don't know, it's always been a life long dream of mine to become a madam and rule the sex underworld, much like Heidi Fleiss once did.

But alas, my novel is soon ending, and when that happens I will have nothing more to look forward to Mondays-Fridays at 10 PM.

No more hot, sexy, young girls running around in their bras and panties or bathing suits as they make their escape from a pissed of narco.

And no more sex in the whore house, which 3 of them worked at after the narco's declared that they were no longer desirable.

No more drama between Catalina and her mom since her mother decided to let Catalina's boyfriend, Albeiro, move into the house while Catalina was off in Bogota "modeling". Oh and Catalina's mother also began an intimate relationship with Albeiro and is now currently pregnant by him.

I'm not really sure how it will all end, but I am really going to miss it when it does.

Did I mention that this novela has really inspired me to go out and do something productive with my life?

I was thinking about something along the lines of sleeping with a narco for a ton of cash then pissing him off so that he could put a hit out on me, then sleeping with another narco to get the hit taken off.

Then again, that one seems a little too dramatic for me. Not much fun at all.

Maybe I could get reused, breast implants that are filled with drugs and smuggle it to a foreign country. Then a bunch of drama goes down and yet another narco is out to kill me so they forget to take out my heroin-filled breast implants and as a result I develop a severe allergic reaction.

Then again, that sounds even worse then the first option.

Perhaps I could pimp out my friends to the narco's while pretending to be a lesbian.

That sounds a lot easier then doing the actually dirty work.

Everyone loves a madam. That is until she's about to leak out her clientele list.

Anyways, maybe now that my novel is ending, I can finally refocus on what's truly important.... Vagina...

Thursday, November 13, 2008

How I Love Our Conversations

Everyone's got that one friend that always understand them, even when the rest of the world doesn't.

Of course I have multiple friends who understand me on different levels, but I have a very different level that most of my other friends don't understand.

I'm not sure what to call this level. I guess it's my level of vaginaness. One of these days I'm going to count the amount of time that I use the word vagina in a day because I know that I use it a lot more frequently then the norm.

Hell, I think I say vagina more often then an OBG-YN.

Oh how I love my random text messaging conversations with Too-Tall. Like today:

Too-Tall: Peepee balls

Me: Vagina juice

Too-Tall: Dingleberries

Me: Titty hairs

Too-Tall: Dry nipple juice

Me: Menstrual clots

Too-Tall: Diarrhea secretions

Me: Cucaracha nuts

Too-Tall: Pubic lice bites

Me: Vaginal cobwebs

The whole conversation may seem meaningless, random, and somewhat bizarre to an outsider, but to us, its code.

We had a complete conversation about "stuff".

And what was that "stuff"? None of your damn business. If we wanted you to know, we'd talk like normal people.

Oh, how I love out conversations.

On a completely irrelevant note, this past weekend, my vagina stood me up like an erected cock. I'm still a little angry about that, but I still love my vag.

Monday, November 10, 2008

"Missing" Phone

After partying all night at a party thrown at my uncles house, I was abruptly woken up by Cornholio who for whatever reason woke up only 4 hours after we had gone to sleep.

We had spent the night at my uncles house to avoid the long drive back.

He was looking for his phone which had mysteriously dissapeared from the table next to the couch that he had been sleeping on.

I reached down to the floor to grab my jeans and get my cell phone out of my back pocket only to find, that my phone had also gone missing.

We used another phone to call his phone, which oddly enough we found in a bathroom upstairs along with my digital camera.

My phone, however, was either turned off or the battery had died because it went straight to voice mail.

Of course, this all lead me to the conclusion that my phone had been stolen. Which really pissed me the fuck off.

I never realized how dependent I had become of my phone, but I'm suffering from major withdrawal.

Luckily, my phone was insured and my uncle was nice enough to pay for my deductible (I wouldn't have asked for it if I wasn't as broke as I am. Not to mention, if he can afford a Lamborghini, $50 is pretty much chump change, right?)

Doesn't change the fact that practically my whole life was on that god damn phone and since I hadn't sync it recently, I have lost a pretty decent chunk of my life.

So what's the lesson I've learned here?

Sleep with your phone in your underwear, and sync often.

I know eventually, who is responsible for my missing phone is going to be outed. I'm too much of an asshole to just let it go.

And when I find out who the fuck is responsible for this shit, I'm gonna kick some sorry phone stealer ass! Fucker!

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Back to Me

I'm so glad this whole election crap is finally over.

Now I can go back to my regular life of inappropriateness.

Vaginal secretions, penile ecstasy, flashing nastiness, and all.

I need new female friends who will let me touch them inappropriately. Some of the old ones have been tainted by my man whore of an uncle.

If he wants my sloppy seconds, he can have them, but I ain't taking them back after that.

New friendship rule: Intercourse, outercourse (no groping), oral and anal sex (that includes kissing), being touched inappropriately, even dirty dancing with my uncle is strictly prohibited. Besides, he considers you all whores anyways.

I'm not hating on the man, but he's a whore.

So there you have it. If you're going to be my friend, you have to choose. It's either him or me. But you can't have us both cause that's just really awkward and weird and icky and kinda repulsing.

*Note: I am not opposed to pimping out my friends to my uncle. However, I've gotten nothing back from him in exchange for those slutty friends who have put out. Therefore, he can go fuck himself and all new female friends are prohibited from engaging in sexual acts with his nasty ass.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

And the Winner Is...

No real shocker to me that Obama was voted as president of the United States. He had great timing.

After 8 years of Dubya's bullshit, the last thing the American people wanted was more of the same bullshit.

Did race play a factor? Abso-fuckin-lutely!

Hopefully, the first major change that will come from a black man being president is that the rest of the black people in the United States will finally stop their whining about the oppression and how the white man is always trying to keep them down.

No more excuses, people. Time to get your shit together and get over whatever bullshit slavery and whatever else you people cry about.

You don't see the Latinos whining. And we get typed cased as being good at nothing more then construction and maid services all the time.

I'm sure there are a lot of angry McCain/Palin supporters who are pissed as hell, but they'll get the fuck over it. All those Joe Plumbers, hicks and rich white people must be fuming over the fact that there's going to be a black man in the presidential office.

My advice to them is, hey he's half white, so I'm sure somewhere down the line the evil white devil in him is bound to rear its ugly head. With Biden on his side, he might just turn out to be like McCain... only tanner.

As for me, no matter who I voted for this past election, I will always remain a supporter for the Democrats. I'm poor, so I really don't have choice.

But if Ralph Nader is still alive 4 years from now, and ends up on that ballot... again... Don't be surprised if I vote for Nader.

That is unless, Hillary is on the ballot. Man would it be awesome to have her run this fucked up, corrupted country.

Imagine this, "She's on her period! Hide the explosives!". Hehehe.

Obviously, I am completely ignorant about politics, and that's fine. I really couldn't give a flying fuck. In the end its all corrupted and fucked up anyways.

My point here was, African-Americans, black people, whatever you prefer to be referred as, time to let shit from the past go and stop blaming the white man for everything.

You finally got one of your people in office. We'll at least half...

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Election Day

Needless to say, this election has been a really big deal.

On the red side, we have a guy who's promising to continue the same failing politics that this country has already been suffering from for the last 8 years. He's the classic old white military has been that all the rich whiteys will be routing for.

His running mate is the cutest little hockey mom, who more then half of the time, has absolutely no idea what the hells going on, not to mention that she thinks that Russia is in her backyard (though I must admit, that there is something about her ditzyness on foreign issues, and politics in general that just makes her, oh so darn adorable).

On the blue side, we have a guy who while technically black, I'm still not really convinced, about his ethnicity or his what exactly he plans to change. He talks a good game, but is it all talk, or is he really going to be able to save the nation from this hellhole that George Dubya has put us in?

His running mate seems to be more then questionable since its been pointed out on more then one occasion that this old white geezer has sided with Dubya, over and over again, and has only recently become somewhat Democratic.

If you ask me, we're fucked either way.

Though I originally had no plans to vote since both parties are very questionable to me, I was pressured into it by just about everyone I know.

"You have to vote. It's your civic duty". Blah, blah, blah.

I finally decided to take my lazy ass to the voting booth, and I almost voted for Sen. Obama. As I stared at the voting ballot, I noticed a name that I had seen on the ballot 4 years ago.

And though Ralph Nader doesn't seem to ever actually campaign, his name always somehow ends up on the ballot.

I don't know much about Nader other then he's against the war in Iraq, at least, that's what I've read about him.

I figured that if Obama isn't able to make the changes that he's been promising, and McCain turns the U.S. into a third world country, well you can't blame me. I voted for Nader.

And because the District of Columbia is known for being a blue state (city, whatever), I figured that in the end, my vote for Nader wasn't going to do much harm overall.

And so I voted for Ralph Nader.

Ya'll wanted me to vote, and so I did. Joke was on you. How's that for a "fuck you"?

This country is so fucked. I'm moving to Canada.