Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Questions to Angry Girlfriend: Inspiration

Here's a question from one of my readers about my last post Word's of Wisdom:

Ur Wanna-Be Husband writes:

Dear Angry Girlfriend,

Does words of wisdom mean your running low on inspiration?

How you doing down there in Florida, Wanna-Be? (So much for anonymity, lol).

To answer your question: Absolutely not!

What it does mean is that I was on my period when I quoted "Word's of Wisdom" from whoever the hell the original writer may have been and was severely PMSing. I don't care what anyone has to say (mom, I’m talking about you), PMS is a bitch.

I was simply stating a fact. Well it was more of a warning to all you men who don’t seem to know any better. Woman can be quite bitchy, and rightfully so, when they’re on their period and I wouldn’t trust a single one of them, myself including, during that time of month.

I was bleeding like a hemorrhaging cow which naturally would alter anyone’s mood, but how would a man know? It’s not like you guys go through that.

How I wish you men could suffer through at least one period in your lifetime like we women do every 28 days for 5 days straight for approximately 38 years of our lives so you could deal with changing maxi pads and tampons, and buying aspirin and heating pads to ease your stomach cramps, not to mention the irritability you feel cause you cant fit into your normal, everyday clothes due to all the bloating and water retention. Then there’s that feeling of “Blah”, where you just so blah. (Yes, blah can be a feeling and if you don’t believe me, I dare you to even try question me on that. You won’t win).

So back to your original question. Am I out of inspiration?

Honey, I’m just barely getting started.

Angry Girlfriend


Come on. I know more of you have questions for me. Whether it’s about my bitchiness, my obsession with things of sexual nature, or my random ranting about something, nothing, and everything I want to hear it. Send questions to or simply fill out the question form on the right side of the page.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Word's of Wisdom

"Never trust anything that bleeds for more then 5 days and doesn't die" - I don't know who's responsible for that quote, but love it or hate it, you have to admit it's a good one.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Angry Girlfriends Guide to Phone Sex

At some point and time, most couples have joked around about the idea of having phone sex, whether they live miles apart or are just curious about it. Its one of those things that you try just for the sake of saying you did it.

Believe it or not, phone sex can indeed enhance a relationship, especially if the couple is in a long distance relationship. But most couples to tend to get stuck on how to get it started.

As a professional in the field, I can tell you that it’s really not that hard at all to get the ball rolling. It’s as simple to get started as asking “So, what are you wearing?” as cliché as it may sound.

Say your partner calls you up from the office one day and you both have some time to kill. He’s feeling frisky and asks you to talk dirty to him. What do you do?

The easiest thing to do is talk about things that the two of you have already done together in the past. Try bringing up a time that the both of you found especially hot, e.g., the time in the park when you were almost caught by your friends, or the time on the balcony at your friends apartment.

Another thing you could try would be talking to your partner about things you’d like to do but haven’t done yet or a fantasy you’ve been thinking about though you may not actually care to live it out.

Which ever option you choose is certain to get him in the mood and might even get you there, too. Just make sure to be creative and to use your most seductive voice.

In case that you still aren’t sure about what to do, I’ve provided you with a basic script that you could use to warm yourself up with examples of things that your partner might say in response until you get comfortable with what you’re doing.

This script is meant as just a guide and should not be used verbatim. It’s important that you pay attention to what your partner is saying on the other line and form your responses accordingly:

You: You know I’ve been sitting here all day thinking about you.

Him: Oh yeah? What about me have you been thinking?

You: How I wish you were here so I could kiss you.

Him: Is that all?

You: Not even close.

Him: Keep going.

You: Well, I’d start by kissing you. Your neck, your mouth. I’d lick your ear.

Him: Uh-huh. Then what?

You: Then I’d slide my hand down your pants and rub your cock.

Him: Yeah. It’s getting hard. Now what?

You: I’d unzip your pants so your cock could breathe a little and I’d keep stroking it.

Him: Oh yea? I’d like that.

You: Yeah? Then I’d go down, and slowly lick just the tip of your cock. Then I’d put the tip in mouth and suck it on it gently.

Him: Oooooh yeah…

You: You feel how warm my mouth is? I’d pull my mouth off the tip of your cock and let some spit slide down to the shaft. Then I’d put the tip of your cock back in my mouth.

Him: That feels so good…

You: I’d take your cock as far back down my throat as I could, then come back up and just suck the tip of your cock, then push it to the back of my throat again and….

Well, I’m sure by now you get the point. Just remember to be creative, be sexy, and have fun!

If you’re still unsure about what to do, click on the video to hear an example:

Monday, October 8, 2007

Angry Girlfriends Guide to Giving Better Blow Jobs

What can be said about a blow job? Well, there you are, bobbing your head up and down, using you hand to cover the parts that your mouth don’t, while trying to synchronize both keeping enough lubrication in your mouth and using your tongue so that you don’t cause any friction, all while trying to keep your teeth from scraping the guys penis.

They don’t call it a blow job without a reason. The fact of the matter is, guys love it and women take pleasure in pleasing their men. But not all men are created equal. What may please one man may not please your man.

I can’t give you a guide on how to give the perfect blow job, but I can most certainly give you a guide on tips to giving a better blow job. With that said, lets move onto to Angry Girlfriends Guide to Giving Better Blow Jobs:

1. Find out what he likes.
It may surprise you to know that most men like their penis manhandled. If you’ve ever watched your man masturbate then you will notice how rough he might be with it. It’s very important that you take notice on how he treats his own penis in order to please him the way he wants.

However, if he is one that is too shy about allowing you watch him pleasure himself, then you’re going to have to learn from trial and error. Take note of facial expressions that he makes while you’re sucking him off. Is it a face of pleasure or pain? If pleasure, keep note of what you did and repeat it. If pain, then it’s probably safe to assume that you should cross whatever it is you did off the list unless he’s a masochist.

2. Men are visually stimulated.
Here’s something that most woman don’t know: For many man, the feeling of receiving oral sex is not nearly as good as the feeling of actually penetrating a vagina. However, because men tend to be visually stimulated, the act of watching their partner performing oral sex is what gets them off more then the act of receiving oral sex.

3. Just because he’s soft, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t suck it.
Men like their dicks sucked whether they are soft or hard. Most men actually prefer that you start while they are soft and build them up to a good hard erection. Ever considered blowing him while he's asleep? It might take him a while to realize what's going on, but once he figures it out, he'll be more then grateful.

4. Suck and Twist
The suck and twist technique is the most basic blow job technique. It requires both hand and mouth. While you use as much of your mouth as you can without gagging, you cover the area of the penis that you’re mouth cannot cover with your hand. Your hand should twist the base of the penis while you are bobbing your head up and down. You can never use too much saliva, so get your mouth as moist as you possibly can and keep the entire penis, from head to shaft, covered in saliva.

5. Use Ice
Because your mouth is already warm, a piece of ice in the mouth creates an intense hot/cool feeling that most men really enjoy while receiving a blow job.

6. Toothpaste
Toothpaste may seem like odd thing to integrate into your sex life, but it can be used to heighten the feeling of oral sex. Like ice, it creates that intense hot/cold feeling and can be used as a replacement to ice. Just be careful not to use too much toothpaste. Using too much, can create and unpleasant burning feeling on the mans penis. Use no more then about half a dime size portion of toothpaste in your mouth.

7. You don’t have to suck the whole time.
Switch up between sucking and licking to keep things interesting. Licking the tip of the penis can not only stimulate a man but it can also build up more sexual tension. Play around with the tip for a bit by just licking.

8. Use lots of spit.
The sloppier, the better. Men love to see their penis being spit on (think porn). It’s all part of the visual stimulation. Plus the extra lube helps to both intensify the pleasure of oral sex as well as helps to simulate the feeling of vaginal penetration.

9. Make eye contact.
Making eye contact is a turn on because it conveys the feeling that you enjoy what you’re doing. Moaning while giving a blow job also tells your partner that you’re are completely into him and want to satisfy him.

10. Don’t forget the boys.
Men love to have their balls sucked on while receiving some good oral. While you suck on his balls, continue to stroke his penis with your hand.

11. Deep throating.
Men love to be deep throated, but most of us have a hard time doing it without gagging, that is unless you have no gag reflexes. But, believe it or not, men actually like it when we gag for two reasons:

I. They are visually stimulated by watching us gag
II. It boost their ego and makes them think that their dick is huge

Just make sure that when you gag that you make the sexy “Oh-God-your-dick-is-so-big” face versus the “Oh-God-I-think-I’m-gonna-throw-up-on-your-dick” face. The latter is not sexy to any man on any level. No man likes that idea of having his dick puked on.

Deep throating takes quite a bit of practice but can be done. One trick that I use is swallowing some spit right before taking the penis all the way back. By swallowing, you cause your jaw muscles relax and are able to take the penis down further though you still may gag some.

12. Spit or Swallow?
This is a timeless question. Truth be known, it doesn’t really matter if you do spit or swallow. If you let the man ejaculate in your mouth in the first place, then it’s really all the same. Men get off on the pressure that the sucking creates and the warmth of the mouth. Woman who swallow, usually aren’t gulping it down as the man ejaculates, rather they keep it in their mouth until their partner is done ejaculating, then swallow while pulling their mouth off of their partners penis. So a woman who decided to spit afterwards is no different from a woman who swallows after the ejaculation has been completed.

Men are just more turned on by a woman who swallows because it’s an ego thing and it turns them on to watch even after the fact that they have already finished. Plus they figure that if they can get a woman to swallow, it opens the doors to other more taboo sexual activities.

A trick to swallowing without gagging is to place the penis as far back into your mouth as you can while your partner is ejaculating. The further back it is, the less likely you are to taste the ejaculation since your taste buds further back on your tongue are less sensitive to taste as the taste buds on the front of your tongue.

Putting these tips to use will most certainly give him the time of his life and earn you a high ranking on his Best Blow Job Ever list!

UPDATE 01/03/12 - I don't personally know this 'Jack' guy, but I read part of his book... I hate to admit it, but he's got some interesting perspectives about blow jobs. Men will be men and say some really crude shit, but from what I get, he just wants a really good blow job. He's kinda a humanitarian in a sense. Helping other people by helping himself. It makes sense. Plus, since I don't have a penis, he might know a bit more on this subject then myself. His website is

On a random note; when I think of the work 'jack', I think of jacking off... Go figure.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Dear Angry Girlfriend: Do Men Consider Oral Sex An Obligation?

Today I found that someone left me a comment asking me a ton of questions in response to my Angry Girlfriends Guide to Safer Oral Sex blog.

I have to admit, I was kind of surprised. My first thought was, “Oh my God! You mean to tell me that someone other then my family is actually reading this crap?”

But hey, I don’t mind. Could I be onto something? I decided that today I would go ahead and post a blog to answer this mystery readers questions. It’s the least I can do. I edited the original post, but this was the gist of it:

Dear Angry Girlfriend,

I am a 46 year old married woman. I recently performed oral sex on my husband with a condom after reading one of your articles about safer oral sex.
My husband liked it, although he did tell me later that I was sucking too hard. Have you heard of that before?
Also, what’s the deal with cunnilingus?
Do you think that guys really enjoy going down on a female or do they just do it out of obligation?
My husband has actually never even tried to perform oral sex on me. How do you suggest that I bring this topic up and get him to do it?

Late Bloomer

Late Bloomer, indeed. But that’s beside the point. What’s going on there Late Bloomer?

Thanks for reading by the way.

Oh yes, sucking too hard. I think most of us have sucked a guy too hard at one point and time. The most sensitive part of a mans penis is the down side of the head of the penis. The head itself is covered with thin skin that gets hurt easily.

So if you suck too hard, you'll cause him some pain and discomfort. That’s not to say that you shouldn’t apply pressure while sucking, but you have to find the right amount of pressure so that you don’t hurt him. It also helps if you keep the penis well lubricated. (KY inside of the condom helps, or good old fashion saliva if you don’t use a condom for those who are married or in a monogamous relationship).

Oral sex, in general, is a preference. Some woman love to give their men oral and others do it because they feel obligated. Likewise, for men. There are men who genuinely love to perform oral sex, and others who do it out of obligation. The best indicator of whether a person is genuinely enjoying performing oral sex is effort. If the person seems to be putting in a lot of effort and seems to be getting more sexually excited, then you can assume that this person just genuinely enjoys giving their significant other oral sex.

If the person doesn’t put forth much effort and/or keeps asking if you’re about to cum, then it’s pretty safe to assume that the person is doing it out feelings of obligation.

If your husband has never performed oral sex on you, I’d be curious as to know why. If it’s something you want him to do then just express you’re feelings to him about it. He may have never tried if he thought you were uninterested in it. Then again some men are very peculiar about the smell of a vagina.

If I were you, I would suggest taking a shower together so that you are both fresh and clean and then suggest the idea of performing oral sex on each other at the same time (69 position). Not a lot of men would say no to that.

Hope that I’ve been able to help you.

Good Luck!

Angry Girlfriend

If anyone else has any questions that they need cleared up, whether it’s related to one of my blogs or otherwise, feel free to leave me a comment or you can email me at

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Angry Girlfriends Guide to Preventing Spunky Sperm

To spit or to swallow? Many girlfriends and wives (and yes, boyfriends, too), contemplate this question. We’ve all heard so many rumors about what semen is suppose to taste like, but sometimes when we get right down to it, we encounter a problem: Spunky Sperm.

Let me set up a scenario for you:

You and your partner are getting down and dirty. You are on the receiving end of getting one of the best blow jobs you could ever imagine. The head of your penis begins to swell and you bust a big fat load into your partner’s mouth. To your surprise, she doesn’t pull back at first, but then she makes this face of disgust and hauls ass to the bathroom were you can here her spitting in the sink and vigorously rinsing her mouth.

If this has happened to you, I hate to be the bearer or bad news, but simply put: You have Spunky Sperm.

The semen of each male naturally has a unique taste to it, but believe it or not, what a man eats does affect the way his sperm will taste and even smell. In this guide, I will give you tips on how to prevent the occurrence of Spunky Sperm.

First, let’s cover what foods and drinks create the taste of Spunky Sperm:

As a general rule, dairy products create the spunkiest of Spunky Sperm.

Hot and spicy foods as well as spices with high sulfur content such as garlic and onion can also create a very Spunky Sperm.

Vegetables that should be avoided include broccoli, asparagus and any other cabbage family vegetables.

These types of food should be avoided at all cost before oral sex, unless you get a kick out of watching your partner gagging while hauling ass to the bathroom to spit out that Spunky Sperm that you shot out in her mouth.

On to the neutral food groups:

Foods like meat and fish can go either way. Some woman claim that it helps neutralize Spunky Sperm and others claim that these foods cause Spunky Sperm. The best way to know which way which side of the fence you’re on is to simply just try it for yourself.

Now, onto the foods that help reduce the taste of Spunky Sperm and in most cases, even give semen a pleasant taste:

Fruits such as mangos, pineapples, apples, grapes and melons, give semen a sweeter taste because they are high in natural sugars.

Cinnamon, lemon and peppermint also give semen a sweeter taste.

Parsley and wheatgrass are foods that have also been proven to give semen a sweeter taste.

Drinking lots of water will help reduce the taste of semen altogether, though there will still be a slight taste.

Fruity alcohol based drinks and drinks like cream soda give a sweet sugary taste and is highly recommended in my book.

Guys, if you follow these guidelines, you’ll increase the chances of your partner wanting to swallow almost every time!

Monday, October 1, 2007

Confessions of a Former Cutter

When most people hear the term “self-mutilation”, it makes them think of a person who is crazy or mentally unstable. Some might even relate the term to a person with suicidal tendencies when in fact it has nothing to with being crazy, or suicidal.

Many people would cringe at the mere idea that a person would want to self mutilate themselves and although this is a subject that most people would rather not talk about, it is estimated that 2 to 3 million Americans suffer from self mutilation.

So what is self mutilation?

Self mutilation is the act of intentionally inflicting harm upon oneself by cutting, scratching, burning, hair pulling, anything that causes physical harm to oneself. Tattooing and piercing can be forms of self mutilation but only if pain and/or stress relief was a factor.

A self mutilator can be anyone of any age, but is more commonly a female between the ages of 13 and 30.

Why would anyone want to self inflict pain on themselves?

Self mutilation is usually used as a coping mechanism. I can’t speak for all cutters in terms of their reasons for cutting, but I can enlighten you with my story, even though I must admit that since this story is so personal to me, I did think twice before writing it.

Who knows? There might be people out there who might learn something from this. So here’s my story:

For as long as I can remember, I’ve never really cared to show people my “soft” side. I believed (and to this day still believe) that if you allow others to see you weak, or soft, you would be setting yourself up to get hurt. It was important to keep an appearance of being tough and strong, even if it was only a façade.

I’m not really sure what lead me to think this way. All I can tell you is that I felt very strongly about not feeling vulnerable. I guess it may have had something to do with not properly learning how to handle emotional pain.

I had created a barrier around myself sometime during my childhood, and to this day, that barrier still stands, which I’ve just realized, may actually be hurting me, instead of helping me as it was intended. To move forward in life, sometimes you have to look back and see where the problem began.

I remember that when I was going into the 4th grade, I transferred elementary schools and was labeled “the new kid in school”. I felt pretty alone and isolated. I had made several friends, and yet, I always felt as if I never quite fit in.

I carried these feelings of isolation from elementary school, to middle school. In the summer going into my 8th grade, things took a turn for the worse when some unexpected “new editions” were integrated into my family unit.

The first time I remember cutting myself, I was 13 years old. Believe it or not, it was actually an accident. I was in class while the teacher was rambling on about God-knows-what, and was lost in my own thoughts. I had a mechanical pencil in hand and had unconsciously begun drawing on my skin. I suddenly realized that my skin was sore and looked down to see that not only had I unconsciously drawn on my skin but I had drawn a figure of a cross. My skin was red from where I had drawn the cross. At that point I really didn’t think much else about it, but instead of stopping, I continued to draw on my skin. I can’t say for sure why I didn’t stop. I guess it was because in some strange way, it felt good.

I was going through a lot of problems at the time. As I stated, there were some unexpected new editions to the family and I was suffering from low self esteem since I was a minority in a majority African American school.

Kids going through puberty can be quite cruel. I felt as if I had no control over my life, but the day I accidentally cut myself, I realized that although I had no control over the changes that had taken place in my life, cutting myself was something that I could very well control.

In some strange way, cutting myself allowed me to endure the emotional pain that I was feeling. It probably should have raised some red flags to family that something was wrong, but it went unnoticed.

I enjoyed the feeling of cutting myself because it felt like some sort of relief. All the anger and grief that I was unable to express made its appearance on my skin. I would cut my arms, legs, stomach, and once even my back. It was the only way I knew how to cope with my anger and emotional instability.

Through high school, I continue to cut. I felt isolated and had few if any friends, my freshman year. I was miserable at home and so I cut myself. When my mom finally did notice, she told me to stop. She thought that I was doing it for attention. I’m sure she meant well, but you can’t tell a cutter to stop cutting themselves and expect them to actually listen. It just doesn’t work that way.

As I watched my peers date and exchange Valentines Day cards, Christmas cards, and bring cakes and balloons for their friends on their birthday, I felt so alone and isolated. I would often wonder to myself, “Why don’t I have friends like that? What’s wrong with me?”. In all honesty, it tore me up inside, but I was determined to let others know that. So I’d act as if I didn’t give a shit and then I’d go to the bathroom at school or wait to go home to cut myself.

The situation at home wasn’t any better and only increased the urge to cut myself. I thought that no one cared about me, especially since no one tried to do anything to stop me.

Anytime that I felt stressed, angry, sad, or just plain miserable, I would go cut myself. I did this all throughout high school and no one seemed to notice, and those who did notice, didn’t seem to care.

Then one day during study hall, my senior year, someone did notice. My swim coach noticed some scars and fresh cuts on my arm and told me that he was concerned about how I had attained those scratches. Of course, I lied and told him some ridiculous story about the cat scratching me. I don’t think he believed me since he warned me that if he saw anymore suspicious cuts on me, he would have to refer me to the schools shrink.

Like a bulimic that learns to hide their constant trips to the bathroom and vomit breath, I learned how to hide my compulsions to cut. From that day on, I would cut my stomach instead.

The same year that I graduated high school, my situation at home had also improved. I was attending a university where I no longer felt like an outcast. My self esteem had also greatly improved. For that whole year that I was in school, I didn’t cut myself.

When I didn’t return to school the following fall, I again, felt alone and isolated. Again, I found myself cutting. My younger sister had also begun doing the same thing, and I couldn’t help but to feel somewhat responsible for that.

I was in shock when my sister was taken to the hospital to be evaluated by the doctors for cutting herself since no one had even bothered to take my cutting problems seriously. I ended up cutting myself that day.

At 19, I experienced a traumatic event, and for months, I would cut myself daily. I also must’ve experienced some sort of psychosis because I began to hallucinate for some time afterwards. I began having violent outbreaks, including an incident were I attacked one of my aunts, who was mentally unstable at the time due to being prescribed Prozac which she more then likely didn’t need, physically, followed by more cutting.

Not a lot of people know this about me, but the third tattoo that I had done was related to the traumatic incident. I also pierced my nose in response to a broken heart. The most recent tattoo on my forearm was also in response to emotional feelings that I just didn’t know how to express.

I tend to downplay how hurt am I when someone has hurt me emotionally. I make it seem like it’s no big deal even if I feel like I’m dying inside. I do this because I don’t like the idea of people thinking I’m weak and/or vulnerable. It’s a coping mechanism I suppose.

I’ll be honest. The only reason that I stopped cutting myself was because, at this point, I have a lot to lose if I’m ever caught. Tattoos and piercing are socially acceptable which is why I’ve now moved on to this form of self mutilation. Of course tattoos are also a lot more expensive which is why I’ve only had three done for the purpose of self mutilation, one of which was self inflicted and I’ll be completely honest and tell you that although the home made tattoo is shitty quality, it was much more gratifying then the two I had done professionally. The nose piercing was also self inflicted.

I’m not mentally unstable. I just haven’t learned a healthy way to process and cope with my feelings. I’ve begun to chain smoke to replace my former ways of self mutilation. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to face my emotions like a normal person would because I just don’t know how to.

They say that some of the best psychologist are really screwed up in the head, so who knows. Maybe I will be able to put my degree to use after all.