Saturday, July 25, 2009

Non Drunk Friendly Products

While I was in Vegas, I had several issues with certain items while I was drunk.

This inspired me to comply a list of Non Drunk Friendly Products.

Non Drunk Friendly Product #1:
Fergalicious Tennis Shoes by Fergie

Real cute to look at. Not so cute to walk in.

I had walked no more then 2 blocks down the strip when I started to feel the blisters forming on the bottom of my feet. I knew I was going to do something really fucked up to those shoes by the end of the night if I was completely inebriated, or even if I wasn't.

At some point, when I was super wasted, I threw the shoes in some bushes as I screamed in my drunken stated, "You suck! Go fuck yourself!".

My sister in her inebriated stated apparently retrieved the shoes with the intent to keep them, but then gave them back 3 days later.... I wonder why?

Final Verdict: This product is Non Drunk Friendly. Hell, it's not Sober Friendly. These shoes fucking HURT!

Non Drunk Friendly Product #2:
Palm Centro by Palm

It's a great phone while you're sober for the most part, but it takes a while to get use to it.

If you're a phone time user, you probably shouldn't try to use this phone while you're drunk.

While I was asleep (past out) on the floor in the bathroom at the Bellagio Hotel, my sister attempted to use my phone to call her husband who had disappeared in the casino.

The first problem she encountered was that she couldn't remember his number which has absolutely nothing to do with the phone itself. So she decided to call our mom. But she couldn't figure out how to get to the screen to dial numbers (there are several different ways).

Somehow, she accidentally calls Frijolero (of all people) who's back on the East Coast. It was 3:30 am Vegas time so back home it was 6:30 am.

She didn't realize that she had called him and was still dialing numbers when he answered the phone. Quickly figuring out that she was drunk, he hung up and called back. She answered with a sigh of relief, "Thank God you called cause I couldn't figure out how to call people on this damn phone", not realizing that she had actually called him first.

He didn't bother to tell her that she had actually called him first and hung up called our mom and eventually, we got out of there, but no thanks to the Palm Centro.

Final Verdict: The phone is User Friendly if you're sober, but even a familiar sober user would have issues using this phone while drunk. A first time user should never attempt to use this phone while inebriated.

Non Drunk Friendly Product #3:
Lighter by I don't know who the hell makes this damn lighter

Drunk people probably shouldn't be using lighters to begin with, but when you have pull the thing down to make it work its pretty much drunk proof.

At least, I had issues making it work while trying to light a cigarette, therefore making it Non Drunk Friendly.

I never did get the lighter to work and I never did get that cigarette which in retrospect was probably not a bad thing considering that cigarettes tend to push an already drunk person over the edge of drunkness.

Final Verdict: I have no issues with this lighter while I'm sober, most of the time. But once I'm drunk, it's definitely Non Drunk Friendly.

From here on out, I think I'm going to just keep tabs on products that are Non Drunk Friendly and post them as I come across them.

If any one has a story of a Non Drunk Friendly product, send me your story and I'll post it. Us drunk people gotta stick together, lol.

Send stories and pictures of the Non Drunk Friendly Product to

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Cross Country: Colorado - Nevada

Finally, the final part of the road trip from Colorado through Nevada.


(Not my picture, but I guess that's what happens when you let incompetent people take pictures for you while you're driving).

Took more pictures in Colorado then anywhere else that we drove through. The roads were all twisty turny and it took a while to get use to the altitude and driving up and down the mountains.

I guess you could say that it was very mountainy.

But I really wanted to stay there.

There was some part where it started to turn all deserty before crossing into Utah that we stopped to eat Chinese and it was fucking awesome!

Better then anything I've ever eaten back home. But then again, I live in a shithole... Or so I thought until I reached Utah, but I'll get to that in a minute.

Colorado was amazing and I'm definitely going to plan a trip to go back there.


Nothing but endless miles and miles of deserty desert. No signs of life and endless possibilities to hide dead bodies.

Utah must be a serial killers utopia. Even the dumbest of killers could get away with the perfect murder in Utah.

I wouldn't be surprised if every single missing persons remains ended up in Utah. It's the one place no one would ever bother to look and even if they did they would never find a body.

Driving through I-70 West, no of us had any cell phone service for over 5 hours. Not to mention that we never even saw a cop car. Not one. And other then truck drivers, there were barely any other cars passing through.

No wonder those polygamists people got away with having sex with 14-year-olds for so long. There's no one out there to stop them.

Utah was absolutely miserable. I was so miserable that I wanted to either kill myself or kill other people, which led me to the conclusion that Utah breeds suicidal serial killers.

Nothing but hundreds of miles of this:
Just about every Interstate exit had no service stations and at one point there was a sign that stated that "No Service Station Next 100 Miles".

Just like that. No warning at the last service station or nothing.

100 miles later when there were suppose to be service stations you still had to drive 25 miles away from the Interstate just to get to it.

I did manage to come up with a fabulous idea about Utah.

What if, we moved the few people who do live in Utah and turned the whole state into a giant correctional facility for all the dangerous inmates, pedophiles, and rapist?

They could all ass fuck and kill each other and if they try to escape, it's ok because they'd probably die out in the desert before making it anywhere near civilization anyways.

Oh, and the people I encountered there were miserable assholes. Except for the one drunk at the gas station between the border of Colorado and Utah.

He was nice but admittedly stated that living in Utah was miserable and there's nothing to do but drink all day cause his life sucked.

That little skanky bitch that worked at the Wendy's was a complete bitch and rightfully so. After all, you do work at a Wendy's in the middle of the desert and you're ugly. That's 3 strikes. Boy must your life suck.

Arizona is very canyony. But we didn't drive through Arizona long enough for me to form an opinion about the state except for that it was canyony.

I was kind of pissed when I saw the State line sign blocking the Welcome sign. What dumb ass came up with that idea?

Anyways, my adventure out here is only beginning so there's not much to tell you thus far. But I can't promise to keep you all updated on everything I do.

You know the saying, "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas".

Friday, July 17, 2009

Cross Country: Illinois-Nebraska

So I'm just getting around to updating everything that happened on my trip across the country.

So here are the highlights of my trip Illinois through Nebraska.


We pretty much drove straight through Illinois with nothing eventful happening.


I had a lot of mean things to say about Iowa, like how there was nothing but farm land and highways with no lights. It was very farmy.

There was a sign for a Rock Museum which I thought was pretty lame but if that's all they had to offer.

There was also a sign that proclaimed that the bridge of The Bridges of Madison Square County was located somewhere in the vicinity.

I was in shock and disbelief when we passed an Adult Super Store in the middle of a cornfield that stated it was open24/7 which I thought was both odd and creepy.

It left me thinking that the men of Iowa have nothing better to do then shoot the shit at sex stores while the women were all apparently adulterous whores.

However, before crossing the border from Iowa into Nebraska, we stopped at a McDonalds.

I had ordered the Boy Son a happy meal but he was upset that he didn't get the toy he wanted.

I was in absolute shock when the lady behind the registered asked him which toy he wanted and then went to go find it for him.

Something like that would've never happened back home because all the McDonalds employees are so disgruntled and angry that they work at McDonalds.

When we were leaving, I was in shock again as they offered us free bottle water for the dogs and even offered to give us a bowl to give it to them in.

Iowa may not have much to offer, but the people there are ridiculously nice.


More farmy land for miles and miles. I was getting pretty sick of seeing endless cornfields and cows.

We passed a slaughter house which was full of fat cows just waiting to be killed and eaten.

They looked absolutely delicious and I actually contemplated pulling over and stealing a cow so I could kill it and eat it.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Cross Country: Pennsylvania-Indiana

I decided that while I'm here in Denver, that I should take the time to catch anyone who's interested about the kinda things I've encountered so far on this cross country road trip. I'm only going to highlight the interesting points of each state of crossed.

Add Video
I saw real life Amish people doing Amish-people things. Didn't catch it on camera cause we passes by so quick but it was pretty cool all the same.

(Totally missed the welcome sign thanks to my MOM)

At a tool booth somewhere around the Cleavland area (I think), we passed some signs for hotels (Holiday Inn, Days Inn, you know... the normal ones).

However, since the road split in 2 ways and there was no sign as to which way to take, we asked the old white guy if he could direct us to the hotels.

He tells us, "Stay to the left". So we did.

But there was no sign of any hotels that were familiar to us. They we're only 3 "Serial Killer Inns". You know, the kind of motels that you see in the movies where unsuspecting victims take the word of a "kindly stranger" who they assume is trying to help them but in reality, they are really trying to set them up to be killed by some Serial Killer cause they're all in cahoots together...

Naturally, we got right back on the interstate, otherwise I wouldn't be here to blog about it.


Passed right by Gary, but we didn't exit off. No point.

I also had a strange encounter with a girl at a truck stop (non-sexual in case you were wondering). But that story is so out the blue that I'm gonna save that for it's own little blog.

Got a few more states that I've already crossed through, but I'm sleepy now and got to wake up to make the final leg of my journey. Can't wait to make it to Vegas.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Vegas, Here I Come!

So, today's the big day.

My moms got all her shit packed in a Uhaul (well, most of it) and she's starting her journey to Las Vegas.

I'm still super pissed off about being an orphan, but she needs someone to help her drive cross country and she's willing pay my fair back to shit-land so why not take her up on a free trip to Las Vegas. Not to mention that she's offered to pay me for the days I'll miss from working.

Of course, I've decided to turn this opportunity into a little mini vacation, so I told Frijoleros mom that I would come back to work sometime in between 7-10 days. It's actually going to be more like 10-14 days, but they'll get over it.

He'll get over it, too. Did I mention that he's not coming along? You know the saying, "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas". Hehe.

We were to set off on this mega long road trip at 6 AM, but of course as always, my mom is running behind schedule, so now we're set to leave at 11 AM which is better for me cause I wasn't gonna wake up that fucking early any damn ways. I'm so glad I'm not hung over cause I had a little mini get together last night and, ummmmmmm, yea....

One of the good things about my mom leaving is that I got one of my 2 dogs that she's been holding hostage back.

This is Dakota:

At age 13 (she'll be 14 in October), she my oldest Jack Russell.

Jupiter Almighty, still remains hostage and will be moving to Vegas, which sucks because I really like that damn dog. She's just such a fucking asshole... but a really sweet asshole.

Frijolero better be good to my dogs while I'm gone or I'm so seriously gonna kick his ass when I get back. I'm leaving the house with 3 dogs and expect to come home to 3 dogs.

I hate cat people. They're so lame.

For all of you who'll be at work or doing something lame while I'm gone, I'll take a couple extra shots in your honor!

Viva Las Vegas, bitches!

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

The People I Meet: Part I

This is a pretty long story, so I'm going to break it down into parts. Consider this part 1.

Here we go:

This past Saturday, I headed out to see fireworks with my family.

It was a nice day... Not too hot and not too cold.

Frijolero managed to piss me off almost immediately after we got there and so he went off to the park while I searched for a spot to set out the blanket so that when the firework show got started, we'd have a good view.

Not long after I had settled in, I was approached by a seemingly normal human being who complimented me on my purple hair.

She asked if she could join me so I figured, why not? I mean I thought she was normal.

Oh, how wrong I was...

It took me about 15 minutes to realize that this crazy bitch was on something... I initially assumed she was drunk but then realized that it could be alcohol.

That's when she offered to sell me some of her Valum. BINGO.

Of course, I declined because I don't take drugs from strangers.

So naturally, she did what any normal crazy person would do and said to me, "Fuck. I like you. I'm gonna give you some free Valum".

Just what I wanted. I pretended to take the pill to get the crack head to stop pestering me, but with a quick slide of hand, I actually put it under the blanket that I was sitting on.

Eventually, the family came back to join me. When she saw the Boy Son, she asked me if he was mine and I told her yeah.

To which she replied, "You're so lucky that you have your kids. Cause I don't have mine".

She told me some strange story about her first child living in Pennsylvania, but that she technically hadn't lost custody of her 2nd child. Her ex-husband had apparently taken the 2nd child and denied her from seeing him. I wonder why...

She then went on about how she had been sober from alcohol since October 2008 and no drugs either.

I wanted to laugh at that, but she's crazy so that probably wouldn't have been a good idea.

She must've forgotten about the Valum she had offered me 15 minutes earlier, or I guess maybe she doesn't count prescription drugs as real drugs.

She then asked me one of the weirdest questions anyone has ever asked me. She asked, "Hey. Are all your teeth real? Like are they all really your teeth?"

"Ummmmm. Yeah. At least, the last time I checked they were", I said to her.

She replied, "Oh. That's cool. I'm only 30 and I only have 4 teeth. All of my top teeth are fake".

She then pulled out her teeth to show me.

"Ummmmm, what happened to all your teeth?", I asked her.

"Oh, they all fell out cause I use to fall down a lot of stairs when I was drunk", she answered.

Yep. She was about as normal as they come.

What is it about me that attracts all these crazy people? Why do I meet all the crazies? Why me? Does this mean that I must be crazy, too?

Coming soon: The Crack Head and the Guatemalan.