This is a pretty long story, so I'm going to break it down into parts. Consider this part 1.
Here we go:
This past Saturday, I headed out to see fireworks with my family.
It was a nice day... Not too hot and not too cold.
Frijolero managed to piss me off almost immediately after we got there and so he went off to the park while I searched for a spot to set out the blanket so that when the firework show got started, we'd have a good view.
Not long after I had settled in, I was approached by a seemingly normal human being who complimented me on my purple hair.
She asked if she could join me so I figured, why not? I mean I thought she was normal.
Oh, how wrong I was...
It took me about 15 minutes to realize that this crazy bitch was on something... I initially assumed she was drunk but then realized that it could be alcohol.
That's when she offered to sell me some of her Valum. BINGO.
Of course, I declined because I don't take drugs from strangers.
So naturally, she did what any normal crazy person would do and said to me, "Fuck. I like you. I'm gonna give you some free Valum".
Just what I wanted. I pretended to take the pill to get the crack head to stop pestering me, but with a quick slide of hand, I actually put it under the blanket that I was sitting on.
Eventually, the family came back to join me. When she saw the Boy Son, she asked me if he was mine and I told her yeah.
To which she replied, "You're so lucky that you have your kids. Cause I don't have mine".
She told me some strange story about her first child living in Pennsylvania, but that she technically hadn't lost custody of her 2nd child. Her ex-husband had apparently taken the 2nd child and denied her from seeing him. I wonder why...
She then went on about how she had been sober from alcohol since October 2008 and no drugs either.
I wanted to laugh at that, but she's crazy so that probably wouldn't have been a good idea.
She must've forgotten about the Valum she had offered me 15 minutes earlier, or I guess maybe she doesn't count prescription drugs as real drugs.
She then asked me one of the weirdest questions anyone has ever asked me. She asked, "Hey. Are all your teeth real? Like are they all really your teeth?"
"Ummmmm. Yeah. At least, the last time I checked they were", I said to her.
She replied, "Oh. That's cool. I'm only 30 and I only have 4 teeth. All of my top teeth are fake".
She then pulled out her teeth to show me.
"Ummmmm, what happened to all your teeth?", I asked her.
"Oh, they all fell out cause I use to fall down a lot of stairs when I was drunk", she answered.
Yep. She was about as normal as they come.
What is it about me that attracts all these crazy people? Why do I meet all the crazies? Why me? Does this mean that I must be crazy, too?
Coming soon: The Crack Head and the Guatemalan.