Saturday, January 31, 2009

The Other PMS

I was so annoyed last night, when Cornholio came home bitchin at me about who-knows-what. So I did what I always do... ignore him.

Usually, he'll get the point and go on bitchin to himself. But yesterday, he just went on and on and on. He eventually went upstairs and I guess he bitched himself to sleep.

That's when I realized that it was his time of month and he was going through some major PMS. For those of you who don't know, PMS for a man stands for Penile Mood Swings. (I kinda just made that up, but it works if you ask me).

Just like their penis', male PMS is quite unpredictable. One minute its hard, the next it's soft. It shrinks cause it gets cold, sometimes spits for no apparent reason at all. Completely unpredictable. You get the point...

I really don't understand how you guys walk around with that thing, but anyways...

It's funny how men bitch about woman PMS and they don't even realized that they get their own version of PMS, too.

Personally, I much rather deal with a woman with PMS over a man with PMS because woman are much more predictable. I know that sounds hard to believe. A woman being predictable? But it's true.

You know that around that certain time of month, we're gonna be just a little more sensitive, evil, bitchy and conniving then we already are normally.

But, unlike men PMS, you know that this behavior in woman will always happen around the same time of month, every month (unless you knock us up) like clockwork (well, for most women).

Men PMS, however, is completely unpredictable. The only thing I know about Man PMS is that it's gonna come, and usually it's without warning. It totally catches you off guard and makes you want to punch the stupid fucker right in the fuckin throat because he's acting like a stupid shitface and it irrittates you so much that you plan on ripping out his eyeball in his sleep, or possibly pulling a Lorena Bobbit on his stupid ass.

(Deep breaths. Relax...)

You men suck asshole. I can't stand your asses when you have PMS because you're bigger bitches then we are when we have it.

I'm going to my happy place now. I'm good...

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Angry Whopper Inspired by Angry Girlfriend?

We all know that I hate the Kellogg's company for stealing my Evil Poptart drawings. (Evil bastards!).

But there could be a new feud on the horizon.

Recently, Burger King announced the new "Angry Whopper". I can't help but to wonder what was their inspiration behind this Angry Burger.

Even though I have no proof that I was the inspiration behind the Angry Whopper, it's just like to me to assume that I must've been because people love to steal my ideas and the world is conspiring to get me.

I know that making this statement could possibly make me loose my credibility with the whole Kellogg's Poptart thing, but that case is different because I have proof and a ton of witnesses, so I'm not really worried about that.

So there you have it. Burger King's Angry Whopper was inspired by me, Angry Girlfriend.

I really like Burger King so I'm not planning a boycott. I have no idea what the Angry Whopper taste like, but I suggest you go buy one and let me know.

And think of me when you're ordering an Angry Whopper.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Party Crashers

So yesterday was the BIG day. The swearing into office, the first biracial President of the United States of America.

I couldn't have been any more annoyed with the traffic, the out of town people and the fact that they kept referring to President Obama as the first African-American president.

Anyways, all extremely irrelevant.

As most of you are probably aware, there was quite a bit of chaos in the city and lots of parties and fancy balls.

My friend, Yuki, who was visiting from Brooklyn, made herself quite at home here and even managed to crash a couple of Inaugural balls, as well as walk right up to the front door to the White House. How the hell she got past security, I don't have a fuckin clue, but she did it.

She had dinner with several senators and the best part is, she walked right on in with her street clothes, not fancy attire that the rest of the people had on. Not to mention that most of these balls had outrageous ticket prices to get in, in the first place.

I wasn't there for the first few balls she crashed, which suddenly, I'm starting to regret.

However, I did make it to the last ball she decided to crash, which was the Heroes Red, White, & Blue Ball at the Warner Theater. Tickets for this event ranged between $500 - $1,500.

It was already ending when we arrived, so there's not much for me to brag about other then I got in and ummmm, yea, that's about it.

We took some pictures, and met a lot of nice people who were really, really drunk.

It was pretty cool. Too bad I didn't go out sooner.

In either case, I can still brag about the fact that I went to an Inaugural Ball in street clothes and didn't pay to get in. Thanx for the good time, Yuki!

Visit Yuki's website here: Chateau de Lion

Monday, January 19, 2009

Inauguration Day Hell

I have never been so annoyed in my life to be a resident of Washington, DC as I have been this past weekend and the days to come.

With the Inauguration of the first biracial president (call him African-American all ya'll want. It wont change the fact that he is half white), the city is in complete chaos.

I am so annoyed by the presence of all of these celebrities and out of state people coming down here for an event that's been mislabeled to begin with.

I will admit that it is a historical event, but it doesn't change the fact that he's still not technically the first African-American president. He's biracial, people.

So call it what it is. The first biracial president.

Even Obama himself has referred to himself as a "mutt". Obviously, he's aware of the fact that he's biracial so I don't get why no one else seems to understand that.

So far, the biggest change that Obama has brought is major traffic in our little city with all this commotion of him preparing to take over the White House.

As if it's not complicated enough getting around with all the one way streets and weird turns, now, for the next 2 days, we have to find new ways to get around with all the road closures.

Hopefully, the first thing on his agenda will be to fix all the fucked up roads and potholes cause anyone who lives in the area can tell you how fucked up the streets are, thought I think that technically that's the mayors job (keep up the good work, Fenty).

I can't wait for all you city invaders to leave. As if I don't suffer from enough road rage as it is. Fuuuuuuck...

Friday, January 16, 2009

V is for...


Venereal disease

Virgin (not me, of course)

Vasectomy (I know a few men who should consider it)

Vaginal secretions

Vaginal warts

Vaginal herpes

Very horny

Vacation ( I need more of these)

Vagina dentata



Valentines Day


Vehicular homicide

I love the letter V...

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

So Bored!

Because I can never stay out of trouble but for so long, not to mention that I get sooo bored here at work, I decided that it was time to have some good old fashion, fun on the Internet.

Because I have "eyes" always watching me, I decided to stay off of craiglist temporarily. At least until I can get my home computer fixed (special shout-out goes to Cornholio for catching a virus on out home computer and crashing it. Special mention goes out to the cartoon makers of Naruto, for being Cornholios reason for catching the virus to begin with. That's right, it wasn't porn. Fucking anime!).

Anyways, here at work, I've been very restricted at what I can do since I have "eyes" always watching me like I already mentioned.

I decided to have some fun on Yahoo Answers, so I posted this question in the religious section:

Am I going to Hell???

I don't think that I 'm a bad person but everyone I know thinks I'm going to hell.
Though I will admit that I haven't been a perfect angel, I don't agree that "there's a nice rock with my name on it waiting for me in hell".
I know that it's wrong to stalk people, or slip laxatives to retaliate, or post ads on craiglist that lure men into the false hope of getting some nooky and sending them pictures of this ugly **** I know.
Making fun of ugly people is also wrong but sometimes they're just easy targets. Not to mention the fat people. OMG Why are they soooo fat?
And though I did slash my ex's tires and break all his windows, it really wasn't my fault. He sooo had it coming.
I only stole money from the collection plate at church like 3 times this past year, and that's a huge improvement for me, but I wouldn't have done it at all if the coffee at Starbucks wasn't soooo addictive, so it's really not my fault at all.
And sleeping with my step-brothers wife was totally not my fault. She came on to me because she wanted to "experiment".
I mean, what do people want from me? I'm trying to good to be good here and things just always happen. It's really not my fault.
So I'm not going to Hell, right?

Even though this isn't even half way as entertaining as the shit I do on craiglist, it was still kinda funny. Some of the answers I got where like this:

those who do not accept Christ as their Savior will not spend eternity in heaven, those who deny Christ are with satan. The only way to the Father is through the Son.
If you're a christian, then you just have to believe in Jesus, and you can keep doing this stuff. afterall, you're trying to be "good"
This will help you better understand -
If you die without Jesus Christ you will end up in hell.

No one is good but God alone.
The only way to avoid being sent to hell, is by believing in Jesus as God and Savior without adding any of your own works.

Do you believe in Jesus? Then you're not going to hell.

But if you don't believe in Jesus, then you are going to hell.

You don't have to be sent to hell.

Salvation is a FREE GIFT that happens in a split second when you believe in Jesus! It is impossible to lose or "leave" salvation.

The truth about Jesus is that the only way to be saved and to get into heaven and avoid being sent to eternal hell, is by believing in faith alone that Jesus, who is God, died for our sins on the cross and rose from the dead (1 Corinthians 15:1-4). Believe this and you will be in heaven, no matter what!

Please pray now: "Jesus, please forgive me of my sins. I believe that You died on the cross for my sins and You rose from the dead. Thank You for eternal life!" You will be in heaven with Him forever when you die. :)
if you truly believe that jesus christ died for your sins your fine you wont go to hell i have messed up many times in my life but i know im ok because i have that relationship with god and if you have your bible read john chapter 3 verse 16 start there and it will explain =]

All very boring and lame to me. Yahoo sucks! Other people caught on to the fact I was obviously a liar and posted answers like this:

"It's really not my fault."

this seems to be a reoccurring theme with you on this question.

do you ever take responsibility for your actions?

I don't know if you will or will not go to Hell, but I know only this - you are a very mean person. and mean people SUCK!
I don't know where to start really. None of this actually happened, right?

Either way, you will be fine. At least I hope so because if you're going to Hell then I will surely burn forever for eating my wife.

All soooo very lame!

I really need a new home computer so I can continue on my mission on being an Internet asshole.

Anyone wanna pitch in?

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Can't Shit, But I'm Not Constipated

I'm feeling pretty frustrated today. I have this urge to shit and I just can't seem to get it out. It doesn't quit feel like constipation so I'm not really sure what that's all about.

Maybe I should write a "Can't Shit, But I'm Not Constipated" song. Something along the lines of this:

I need to shit
But it wont come out
I'm not constipated
But I need to shit

Bubbles in my gut
I'm not a fucking slut
I need to shit
But I'm not constipated

It's work in progress. They always are. But anyways, enough about that.

So I received this really random myspace message from some guy (assuming it's their real page). Really weird:
He's not on my friends list and I know I don't know him. Maybe he just wanted some attention or maybe hes the same person who posted as Anonymous on my Git Er Dun, Ya'll blog. I just don't get why this was forwarded to me.

Obviously I'm a huge advocate of freedom of speech, especially because I like to talk so much shit, hehe. Bottom line is this message doesn't apply to me so I'm not really sure why I got it from some guy that I don't even know or that isn't on my Angry Girlfriend myspace friends list to begin with.

Hey dude that I don't know! Guess what? I think your creepy and a little weird. And you know what else? Women have vagina's. Well, most woman do. But I'm the kind of woman that does have a vagina. Oh yea, and one more thing:

I just shit, shit, shit
Cause I'm not constipated
I just shit, shit, shit
Cause I'm not constipated

How do you like those pineapples?

Monday, January 5, 2009

New Year, New Beginning ?

As I looked back on 2008, I decided that I should retire from my old ways and not be such a bitch anymore.

I mean being a bitch is fun and all, but it's time to grow up. No more anger, no more racism, no more being mean.

The thought crossed my mind for maybe 1 one hundredths of a second. Then I thought to myself, "Fuck! Who the hell am I kidding? We all know I'm not gonna stop".

Besides, if I were to be on my best behavior, I'd have nothing to write about. So just as quickly as the thought came into my mind, I dismissed it.

Here's to 2009 and all the craziness that is bound to follow!