Friday, April 25, 2008

White People & Margarita's

I was at a Tex-Mex restaurant yesterday, celebrating The Boyfriends mothers birthday, when I realized what seems to be a popular trend amongst the white people:

Almost every white person there had ordered a Margarita!

I know that subconsciously I had noticed this before, but for what ever reason, yesterday, I really took notice to this trend.

They were the pastiest of white folks, just chugging on Margaritas like it was the greatest drink the Mexicans had ever invented. I think more white people drink Margaritas then Mexicans.

I noticed several couples who came in with their toddlers and were pounding Margarita after Margarita like it was water.

Personally, I think Margaritas taste like shit, so it's hard for me to give an unbiased opinion of whether those white people just really enjoyed those Margaritas, or if maybe they were all just a bunch of redneck drunks.

There was another table that I noticed that was obviously engaged in a "business meeting", all while chugging down Margartias.

How do you have a business meeting when the employees are loaded of their asses from drinking one too many Margaritas?

At yet another table, there was a white couple that hadn't ordered Margaritas, much to my surprise. Instead, they had ordered Tecate. Mexican beer.

I'm sure the white people had no idea that Mexicans made beers other then Corona.

I paid close attention to the couple as I could see the puzzled look on their faces while they drank their Tecate's. I'm sure their conversation went something like this:

Sue: Wow, Bob! This Mexican beer sure is exotic.

Bob: Yeah, Sue. I didn't know Mexicans made beers other then Corona.

Sue: Yeah, me either. It's not bad though.

Bob: It's okay, I guess. It's sure no Miller Lite!

I could be wrong, but that's just what I imagined the conversation to be based on their facial expressions.

The best part of the night was when the Mexicans brought out the cake for The Boyfriend's mom, whose name, Maria, happens to be one of the most common spic names on the face of the planet, and started to sing "Jepi Berthdi".

I watched as all the white people, especially Bob and Sue, turned to our table as they probably wondered to themselves, "Why would Mexicans come to a Mexican restaurant? I mean, can't they just make this shit at home?"

I'm sure Sue told Bob something like, "Well, honey. It's her birthday. She probably didn't want to cook. You see how big that family is. And you know how Mexicans love to have the whole family living together".

We're not Mexicans and we sure as hell don't all live together. But Bob and Sue are white. How would they know the difference anyways? As far as Bob and Sue know, there are only 2 types of Spanish people. Mexicans and Puerto Ricans.

But I'll leave that blog for another day.

Cinco de Mayo is soon approaching and I know the liquor store will more then likely run out of Margarita Mix and tequila, as the white people flock to the stores to stock up on their Margaritas in preparation to celebrate a holiday that they don't even understand the meaning of.

But more on that on Cinco De Mayo.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Buy My Sex Tape

It really annoys me when an already famous person with tons of cash, becomes even more famous and even more loaded with cash when their sex tapes "accidentally leak".

I know that for some celebrities, (for example, Kim Kardashian), it truly was an accidental leak, though I'm sure it wasn't accidental on Ray J's behalf, and it did do wonders for Kim's career so she probably shouldn't be complaining. Not to mention that her body is smokin' hot, so she should be proud!

But for the majority of celebrities, I have a hard time believing that it was an "accidental leak". Paris Hilton isn't exactly known for being a saint or even wholesome. Even those who haven't seen Paris' sex tape, have seen her vagina at various angles. Or maybe that was Britney Spears? (Not a real big difference, anyhow. If you seen one pink vagina, then you seen them all).

We all know that Dustin Diamond's sex tape was authorized for release by Dustin Diamond, himself. (This particular sex tape doesn't interest me whatsoever. He will always be geeky, nerdy Screech from Saved by the Bell, to me).

And who could forget Pamela Anderson's sex tape with then-husband, Tommy Lee? This particular sex tape I didn't find to be that scandalous considering the fact that Pam was, and still is a major sex symbol. Of course she'd be having sex with her husband and his freakishly big penis!

I, myself, have made several sex tapes. But since I'm not a celebrity, no one is willing to pay me millions of dollars to buy the rights. Not that they would have to. I've shown quite a few of my sex tapes to my friends for free.

I even lost one sex tape in the basement of The Boyfriends parents house. I've check online and so far, nothing. I'm guessing it's still lost in their basement somewhere.

I am willing to "accidentally leak" my own sex tape to the highest bidder. I doubt it will launch me into celebrity stardom but maybe I can at least get a radio show or something out of it.

Here's to wishful thinking!

P.S. Too-Tall,

Maybe once Flashes Nastiness gets drafted, we can "accidentally leak" his sex tape with you. It wont make me famous, but you'll look like a slut and I'll be rich. Muahahahahahaha (That's my evil laugh). I'm kidding of course. Or am I?

Monday, April 21, 2008

The Evil Poptart

This may sound crazy, but I don't care and I really need to get this off my chest. I don't buy Poptarts because the Poptart people stole my Poptart cartoon.

Yes, it's true. I don't know who stole my idea, but I can tell you that those stupid Poptart cartoons were based on a drawing that I drew back in 1999.

I, like a dumbass, posted my cartoon on for the whole cyber world to view and I'm guessing someone must of liked it and stole my idea.

I know there must be people reading this, thinking to themselves "Yeah, right. This bitch is crazy", but it's true and I have my original drawing to back it up. The quality of the picture I'm about to post is a little shitty, but it's enough for you to see that I'm not lying.

Exhibit A. My Poptart drawing from 1999:

Exhibit B. Kellogs version of my poptart:

Same feet, same hands, same crappy drawing.

Coincidence? I think not.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Don't Drink & Blog

Drinking and blogging is irresponsible and can cause a lot of trouble. It's worse then making drunken phone calls, drunk texting, and drunk driving (that last one was a bit of a stretch, but you get where I'm going with this).

It causes bad grammar, misspellings, and a blogger may reveal a little too much about themselves and their personal situations.

Don't let your friends drink and blog.

This important message was brought to you by Angry Girlfriend who wants to remind you that friends don't let friend drink & blog.

Friday, April 18, 2008

We're a Bunch of Drunks

It's 12:47 AM and we're all so drunk. Too Tall is about to pass out on my couch and the Terrorist has already left. We really need to get so very drunk so that we can not think of all the drama that has occurred this week.

There's been so much bullshit poppin that no one wants to deal with it. Including myself. All I want to do is chill and not worry about the bullshit drama that don't concern me to begin with.

Bitches be evil, but that don't have shit to see with me or so I believe.

In general, life is good but there are some people trynna start some drama that I dont feel concerns me what so ever.

Kiss my ass, bitches. I ain't dealing with ya'll bullshit no more. It aint even relevant.

All ya'll bullshitters and liar can take ya'll shit else where cause I don't give a flying fuck.

Stop lying about me cause eventually the truth all comes to light and you look like a dumb ass for lying to begin with.

Have a good night, my cyber readers, and remember, even the people you trust most can be fake as shit.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

I'm the Gay Ringleader

I love my cousin. She's so cool and gay, and really outgoing and gay, and she's just fun to be around. Did I mention that she was gay?

Her wife is so cool and just as gay, but according to them, all of my friends are gayer then they are and I'm the gay ringleader.

My cousin and her wife seem to believe that I set the pace for gayness among my friends and they just follow my gay lead. Did I mention that I'm not gay?

I don't deny being the gay ringleader amongst my friends. It's probably true. After all, my sexuality has always been a little border line.

All my friend were walking a pretty straight line... that is until they met me.

I have caused more confusion in my friends sexuality than I care to count or take responsibility for.

I have been the first girl most of my female friends have kissed. I'm the person who made it completely acceptable for my group of friends to grope each other just cause, the person who said it's okay for us to show one another our body parts and compare or just because you want to. I made it completely normal to mess around with another girl just cause I felt I could, and most if not all of my friends, followed my lead.

I have caused a number of friends to question their sexuality, one of which I believe to be a closet lesbian and my lesbian cousin would agree. I'm hoping to be able to help her come out.

I have been the subject of controversy in most of my female friends heterosexual relationships, as their boyfriends would worry that I may actually one day steal their woman right from underneath them.

That, however, couldn't be any further from the truth. The fact is, if I would've wanted their women, I would've had them. (I know it sounds really cocky on my part, but it's true).

The question that I always hear is: Why do you do this if your not gay?

So here goes my answer:

1. I'm a highly sexual person.
2. Because I can.
3. I'm the gay ringleader.

Got a problem with that? Well I guess you can fuck yourself =)

Monday, April 14, 2008

Angry Girlfriend Tips: Road Trips

When going on long road trips, it's best to go when you don't have a massive case of diarrhea. If, however, you choose to go, bring extra toilet paper in case you have to make an emergency stop on the side of the Interstate.

Also bring diaper rash ointment. It helps take the sting from a firey asshole after shitting all day.

Avoid traveling while menstruating. We don't want to pull over every 30 minutes just to make sure you haven't leaked anywhere. Not to mention that more than one woman menstruating at the same time tends to create that "period smell".

Children of all ages, are highly annoying. Avoid bringing them along whenever possible.

Always carry at least $30-$40 in cash for tolls.

If you're from the MD/DC/VA area, don't bother asking for Mambo Sauce at the Chinese Carry-Out in some other state. The people there will look at you as if you're crazy and more then likely will ask you, "What the hell is Mambo Sauce?".

If you have low profile tires on your car, change them, especially if driving in Pennsylvania or any other state with bad roads.

These road trip tips have been brought to you by Angry Girlfriend. Keep watch for more tips and feel free to post some of your own tips.

I totally fucked up my tire this past weekend and it sucks. Oh and the diarrhea thing really sucked, too.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Finding God

While at the grocery store yesterday, I ran into this girl I know. No one really important or even relevant in my life, just one of those people I know. Up until yesterday, I hadn't seen or heard from here since September.

Here's her bio in as little words as possible:

She met and married her husband after dating for 3 very short months. Right off the jump, she was trying to change him. No more going out with his friends or family, no more drinking, no more fun basically.

They have pretty much had a turbulent marriage from the beginning. I mean all marriages are work but when you marry someone you barely know, I can only assume it's even more work. They broke up and got back together more times in their first year of marriage then I really care to count. I couldn't figure out why they even bothered.

Then she wanted a baby. So they tried, and after about 5 miscarriages or so (apparently she was high risk because of her overweight issue), she finally gets pregnant and carries to term.

The child is turning 1-years-old soon, and the 3-year marriage is headed towards divorce. Or so she told me. But then again, it's not the first time she's told me this.

Anyways, at this point, she's moved out with their child and claims to be attending church 3 days a week because she feels the need to "find God".

Which brings me to my topic:

What the hell is it with people who go through a minor bump in the road and now suddenly that shit ain't going so well, they feel the need to "find God"?

I swear I'm not an anti-Christ, (I'm more like the Devils Advocate), but I've never understood why people feel compelled to find God when life doesn't go their way.

Who the hell says that God even wants you to find Him (why do they capitalize "Him"?)?

Maybe God doesn't even like you anymore cause you only come around when you want help. Maybe God is tired of helping your sorry ass feel better about yourself and your crappy ass life. Of course, this is all assuming that there is even a God.

My point is this:

Even if you do find God, it's not gonna change the fact that your life sucks asshole. There are still going to be times when you want to self medicate yourself with booze, pills, or whatever the hell else is out there.

The only thing that finding God will change is the amount of money you spend on gas to get to and from church and the disposable income you once had, because after finding God, all you're disposable income will be going into the collection plate at church.

To all you God seekers,

Good luck with that. I'm about to go find God so I can get some wine and get drunk for free!

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Flashes Nastiness

My friend, "Too-Tall", recently met a guy who's even taller then she is. She's 6'0 and he's 6'7. They met while she was out clubbing but, I don't remember the name of the club, not that it's relevant anyways.

You know how the story goes: Boy meets girl. Girl disses boy. Boy becomes annoyingly persistent. Girl still disses boy. Girl gets drunk and eventually finds the annoyingly persistent boy cute, or girl just eventually gives up.

In either case, this is pretty much what happened when Too-Tall met this dude and by the end of the night they had exchanged phone numbers.

As they got to know each other, Too-Tall finds out that the guy she had met was about to get drafted into the NFL, which is great if your a football fan, a gold-digger, a groupie, or a girl who is looking for a guy that isn't always going to be around so that you can do what you do with no questions asked.

Too-Tall is none of the above (personally, I'd fall into the latter category). Either way, none of this is really relevant to the story.

Naturally, Too-Tall googled her new flame just to see if he story checked out. I know it may seem hard to believe, but most females don't really care what you do for a living, so long as you do work and we don't have to support you, but we really hate being lied to.

As it turned out, he wasn't lying. We sat there, reading Too-Tall's mans profile. There was a part that I caught that really just caught me off guard. In the analysis, under his negatives was something about "Flashes nastiness".

Whatever the hell that means, we couldn't figure out. Does he score a touch down, then whip out his nastiness? Maybe he flashes his nastiness before he goes out on the field? We really have no clue what the fuck was meant by "flashes nastiness", and the only things we could come up with were sexual in nature.

Well either way, Too-Tall was turned on and decided that she wanted Mr. Flashes Nastiness to flash her his nastiness, whatever the hell that meant.

Unfortunately, Flashes Nastiness wasn't around, and Too-Tall wouldn't shut up about how she wanted Flashes Nastiness to flash her his nastiness, so as any good friend would do, I flashed my nastiness to Too-Tall so she would shut the hell up.

The things we do for our friends!

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Plus Sized Model?

A couple of weeks ago, at the end of my exotic dancing class, I was approached by woman who told me about a clothing line that she was launching in April. It sounded interesting enough... until she asked me if I would be interested in modeling her plus sized clothing.

Now I'm not a size 3 and I'm well aware of that, but by no means am I a size 12 either, which is the size that she wanted her models to fit into. I don't even shop in the plus sized department, not to mention that my size is still in the single digits.

The woman went on to tell me and my friend, who happens to be 6'0 tall, but is in no way shape or form plus size other then perhaps her height, about how she needed models and that we had the kind of look that she was looking for in her models. Apparently, she was starting some sort of goth line, so she claimed, and I assumed that I would be able to rock it out since I have bright red hair and tattoos. I could see how she could confuse me for a rocker chic, but my friend "Too-Tall", doesn't really give off that rocker vibe, but that's all besides the point.

Me and Too-Tall had no idea whether to feel flattered because she thought we were pretty enough to be models or insulted because she thought that we were plus sized. For a quick second, I almost blurred out, "Well thanks for letting me know that you think I'm fat. Now I can go back to being bulimic and know that me thinking that I'm fat isn't all made up in my head after all". Almost said it, but I didn't. I smiled and took her business card, and walked away.

We never did end up going to her modeling shoot, though she called and emailed me repeatedly. I did however, check out her site once she had it up and running so I could see the kinda girls she had modeling on her site.

The clothes she had on her site weren't bad at all, but the models were a whole different story but I'll let others judge for themselves. I feel bad that I stood her up which is the only reason why I'm gonna link her site. So here it is: Adore Your Curves

Even though I kinda like the clothes on the site, I don't regret not showing up to modeling shoot. So much for becoming a plus-sized model.