Sunday, May 31, 2009

Pulled Over... Again...

Driving around with suspended tags, I was bound to get pulled over eventually.

Supposedly, for failure to make a complete stop at a stop sign *Cough*bullshit...


Ha ha, I just got new tags last week and I'm not longer driving dirty. Take that you evil cop bastard.

He gave me a warning and I went on my way feeling both annoyed and relief.

If that shit would've happened last week, there might have been a slight problem. Just a little one.

Luckily, it wasn't though so who cares?

Friday, May 29, 2009

My Favorite Part...

Well, we all I know that I've been Addicted to the spanish novela Sin Senos No Hay Paraiso.

Almost a year into it, the drama still continues, and I've pretty much kinda forgotten where it all even began since the story plot has taken so many twists and turns.

However, there is one scene that I just cannot get out of my head. Mostly because my favorite character, Yessica, aka, La Diabla is in it.

I mean, this chic is so super hot and sexy, not to mention a bad ass. She turns me on more then anyone else on that show its ridiculous.

Remember my super cute, waterproof, purple vibrator?

Yeah, that one...

Well let's just say I broke it in with thoughts on her and this scene:

Monday, May 25, 2009

Hangover Free Birthday

I just love it when things go my way.

So... This is what finally happened on my birthday weekend:

Friday - I went with my girl and got that mani-pedi that I've been dying to get. As an added bonus, I got mu eyebrows waxed so they looked super hot.

We then did some "drunk shopping". Yep, that's right. We bought a bottle of Pinnacle vodka, mixed it with some redbull and put it in a water bottle, and referred to it as "apple juice" while we were out shopping.

Normally, I hate going to malls, but shopping when you're drunk is awesome!

It was like an adventure. I got to see a hot girl naked in the dressing room, I crawled from one dressing room to another dressing room topless, and warned this poor pregnant girl about how much her vagina is gonna hurt when she pushes out that baby.

Then we went to Ruby Tuesday to grab some dinner and get more drunk because apparently we weren't drunk enough yet.

We hit on the gay bar tender, and took candy from a stranger who made roses for us out of napkins.

I had intended to go to the strip club later that night and yet, somehow I never made it, which made me sad.

I woke up on Saturday with NO HANGOVER! :0)

Saturday - Still unsure of what I was going to do later in the night, I decided to go sex toy shopping.

I bought the cutest little vibrator, A copy of Penthouse Forum, and a tattoo magazine. I figured if nothing else happens, at least I could go fuck myself.

We ended up getting all pretty and headed out to a club. People always go out of there way to do nice things for me on my birthday, even if I don't know them. I don't know why. I guess I'm just that special.

Why is that relevant you ask? Because there were people that we didn't know standing behind us in the line at the club and they offered to pay half to get us a table that they didn't even intend on staying at.

Of course, we accepted the offer and partied our asses of with these random people who turned out to be really cool.

Drank a lot of vodka and tequila.

I woke up on Sunday with NO HANGOVER! :0)

Sunday - Did the whole grilling thing and of course more vodka!

At some point in the night, the guys all decide to leave the girls and head to the strip club, which was fine by me cause I like being alone with drunk and vulnerable women.

I think they had a good time... That it until they came back and saw me and my friend sitting on the couch, me with my super cute new vibrator in hand and in a kinda sorta compromising position.

Yeah, that one.

I swear nothing happened, but of course I don't blame them for not believing me.

But I swear, it wasn't what it looked like. I mean I wish I could say that I was guilty, but this time I'm really not. Boooooo.

I woke up this morning hangover free. YEY!

I partied like a rockstar and now I need to sleep. I rock!

Oh, and in case you were wondering, Frijolero did finally register the car on Friday. Yey! He finally did something right for a change!

Friday, May 22, 2009

My Left Eyeball

Some of you who don't follow me on Twitter may have missed this pic that I posted earlier, so I'm posting it here for you all to see.

It's a pic of my left eyeball.

You know how much I talk about squirting things specifically into my left eyeball when I do those weird ass craigslist responses.

So I thought some of you might be curious as to what my left eyeball actually looks like. Not that anyone has asked or anything cause that would be kinda weird.

Ladies and gentleman, I'd like to present to you... My Left Eyeball:

It looks pretty much like a normal eyeball don't it...

Yeah, so there you have it. My Left Eyeball.

Special thank you goes out to My Left Eyeball for taking its time out it's busy schedule to pose for this photo shoot.

Also to My Right Eyeball who compliments and completes My Left Eyeball.

Thank you both for 20/20 vision.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Frijolero: The Evil Bastard

So we all know that I have big birthday plans for this coming weekend. Well maybe not BIG, but it's in the works.

For over 2 months, I've been drilling Frijolero to make sure he took off Friday.

I mean I have really made every attempt to make sure that I have really drilled it into that little evil bastards head that I wanted him to not work on Friday.

I didn't have an exact plan on what we were going to do, but all the same, he needed to be off on Friday, May 22, 2009.

I don't know how much more clear I could've made this.

I thought I had actually gotten through to the fucking asshole since he had told me that he had gone ahead and gotten the day off, especially because he knew how important it was for him to go to the DMV to register my car, especially because this is my birthday weekend and we would definitely need a car with legal tags.

My tags are suspended yet again and instead of removing the tint (which is only part of the reason why my tags are suspended...), he figured, YES HE AND NOT ME, suggested that we just register the car under his name and then all my little problems would go away. But that's another story for another day.

The point is that it was crucial for him to take the day off for this to get done as it would effect the rest of my weekend. My birthday weekend.

Today, about 3 hours ago, to be exact, I get the news that that fucking jackass has once again screwed me.

He's not taking the day off and I'm not going to have my car registered which means I have no car to go and do all the fantastic and wonderful things that I haven't quite planned yet, but that's not the fucking point.

In a moment of hope, I had figured that all had not been lost and I could rent a car for the weekend. That is, until I called up like 20 different car rental places and they were all out of cars because it's Memorial Day weekend... (The economy can't be that fucking bad..)

That fucking beaner has fucked me yet again.

He has fucked many of my plans in the past.

Once, when I was pregnant, a friend of mine had suggested that we do a couples trip and go to the beach. Her and her man, and me and that evil bastard, Frijolero.

Frijolero had agreed to the plans and I went ahead and booked the hotel. Two days before our trip, he cancelled the reservation. Why? Cause he's an asshole.

Mind you, I was fucking pregnant. I only acted like it was the end of the world cause in my delicate state, it sure as hell did feel like it was.

Two years ago, the same friend suggest another attempt at a trip to the beach. Once again we go ahead and make the reservations. I was sure there was no way in hell he'd screw me again, but sure enough, day before the trip, that fucking jackass of a beaner fucks me again, canceling the trip and that time, I lost the money from the reservation.

You starting to see a pattern here?

So what is the lesson learned here?

You can't trust a fucking beaner!

Ok, maybe that's a little unfair to say...

But I'm definitely gonna fuck his ass over when it's his birthday... Oh wait... I already have plans... It's Angry Girlfriend Day on October 15th.

I'm gonna be getting drunk and throwing darts at pictures of fucking face!

Take that, asshole!!!

And by the way, I'm not fucking negative... You're just a jackass!!!

Monday, May 18, 2009

Birthday Plans

With my birthday just a few days away, I have yet to plan out anything, which is rare for me because everyone who knows me knows that I treat my birthday as it was a national holiday.

The celebration has never been any less then 4 days long and before I had the Boy Son, my birthday use to run for 2 whole weeks. Of course, I wasn't working at the time and I could always find some poor idiot who would be more then willing to foot the bill for me and my friends to party that long.

For some reason, I just cant seem to get my thoughts together long enough to figure out what the hell I'm going to do to celebrate.

I took off time from work to party and yet, I have no plans.

I have figured out this much:

Friday - I have to hit up the strip club. Why? Because I like watching naked girls dancing erotically around a pole.

It's hot and it turns me on.

Saturday (my birthday) - Now this is where things get a little sketchy. I'm not a big club person because I don't spending a lot of money getting drunk. I'd much rather go shoot pool or go to a house party, or even stay home and getting drunk for cheap.

I did get invited to another birthday party at a club, but I'm so vain, I don't like to share the spotlight so that's definitely not going to work.

Sunday - Another sketchy day. I could either be recovering from a massive hangover from the night before if I can manage to get my shit together or I could have a cookout because I didn't get wasted.

Monday - Yet another sketchy day. Either recovering from Sundays hangover or I could have the cookout. I should probably go to the pool sometime during the weekend assuming its warm and doesn't rain.

Now if I have a cookout on Monday, that means I'd be hungover on Tuesday and I don't know if that's really gonna work for me.

So you see the little dilemma I've got going on here. Not only am I indecisive, but everything really weighs on whether or not I'm hungover the day before.

It's very complicated.

If anyone has any advice or ideas or even wants to come and hang out, I'm willing to hear you out.

Send me your ideas to:

Penis, Vagina...

There was really unnecessary, but I really just needed to get it out....

Broccoli mixed with rotting egg, smelling flatulence passing through the rectum...

Ok, I'm done now...

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Got Pole?

So while other moms asked for jewelry from their spouses or crappy ass homemade gifts from their children, I had something very different in mind that I wanted for Mother's Day.

All I really wanted was a stripper pole. That's not asking for too much, is it?

Can you believe that I actually got it?

I was surprised, too...

So now, sitting in the middle of my living room (how appropriate) is a big, shiny, brass, stripper pole and I couldn't be any happier.

I don't know how in the world Frijolero ever agreed to get me a stripper pole considering how, ummm, friendly I get with my girlfriends, especially while under the influence of alcohol.

This is guaranteed to get me in a lot of trouble, but I'm gonna have a lot of fun doing it... hehe...

Thursday, May 7, 2009

To All the Special Moms I Know

With Mother's Day only a few days away, I thought I would take the time to throw into the spot light some of the most important mothers in my life:

My Cousin E and her wife J:
You guys are so cute and you're kick ass moms. I love to party with you guys cause you always keep shit so entertaining, especially when you pick on Frijolero and give him random nicknames (which actually end up sticking *cough* Billiard).

He's such a pain in my ass, but obviously, I'm not the only one who feels that way, and you guys make me feel sane for feeling that he's a dingle berry hanging relentlessly from my asshole hairs.

My Cousin Ciara:
You're real life is much more interesting then the L Word. You've got more lesbian and hetero drama then anyone I know.

You're baby has already had 2 step Mommy's and she hasn't even been born yet. (How do you keep getting pregnant if you're a lesbian?).

We've been partners in crime since forever. Like the time we both got jobs working at the strip club. Lots of free booze and drugs. Good times...

My Sister "Sprite":
This bitch has taught me that not all fat people are happy and jolly. In fact, some fat people are mean and bitchy because they're angry that they're fat.

When I'm on the verge of a psychotic break and all I want to do it go strangle certain people, then stuff them into the back of my trunk, she has been the voice of reason with advice like, "Don't do it... Unless you're positive that you can get away with it" or "It's okay to kill people if they're ugly because ugly people make me sad".

My Grandmother:
This lovely woman has always been so open about her sex life. In fact, on a visit to Miami with Frijolero, she let us borrow her place.

When I called her to let her know we had made it there ok, she had this to tell me, "If you guys want to watch some porn, I keep it in the top drawer of my nightstand".

Thanks Grandma, but you forgot to mentions that your dildos and other sex toys were in the 2nd drawer of your nightstand.

My Aunt:
Even though shes not a mother (she hates kids and because of her, I learned how to use the F-word in like 50 ways by the time I was 7), she still played a very pivotal role.

If there was one thing I could be certain about, it was that I would always find some pretty interesting things in her room. From gay porn, to handcuffs on the bed, chocolate penis', and condom lollipops.

When I had expressed my interest to her in woman, she was the one to buy me my first strap-on with this advice: "You might not need it, but it might make things more interesting. Let me know how it went".

My Other Aunt:
Honestly, she's kinda boring. Never been promiscuous, or adventurous. She's actually pretty lame.

She's the one who freaked out when my kid said the word "penis". Enough said...

Last but not least, My Mom:
I could've sworn she use to be cooler. Now she spends most of her time trying to censor me or bitchin me out for getting yet another tattoo.

She makes a lot of sexual references when she thinks that no one will catch on (which of course, I always do), then gets mad at me for calling her out because I'm a perv.

Oh mom, you probably had no idea when I came out of your vagina what you were really in for. I'm exactly like you but worse. Actually, I'm more like my grandmother, then I am like you, so that's a relief... For me... Not you...

And by the way, I totally heard you when you called me a bitch under your breath that day. Takes one to know one. You ain't that slick, woman. He he he.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom!

And to all the other mothers out there, hope you all have a Happy Mother's Day!

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Cinco de Mayo

This year for Cinco de Mayo, my original plan was to go out to happy hour so I could make fun of all the people there who buy Margaritas and think to themselves, "Look at me! I'm so down with the Mexican people cause I'm like sitting here drinking a Mexican drink on a Mexican holiday in a Mexican restaurant and I got Mexican workers working on my yard and building me a deck".

But I didn't go out. Instead, I stayed home, had a buddy come over and we drank a 24 of Corona so we could feel down with the Mexicans, too (well, technically, my friend doesn't have to try to be down with the Mexicans since shes half Mexican).

We drank more for a lot less and talked a lot of shit about the people who were out at Don Pablos, Chevy's or any of those other "Mexican" restaurants that really aren't that Mexican at all.

I think we all know what Cinco de Mayo is really all about... It's another bullshit holiday that gives us an excuse to get randomly drunk. Kinda like St. Patricks Day only instead of little green midgets there a big ass hat that you throw on the floor and dance around it while singing "La Cucaracha".

I'm not really sure if anything I just typed really even makes sense since I'm still recovering from what ever the hell that little Mexican lesbiana did to me, but yea... Good times...

Did you know that Asians install house alarms? Yeah, I know... It's weird right?

This little Asian guy is actually kinda funny. He kinda reminds me of an Asian Carlos Mencia, only like Asian and works for Brinks Security.

And he didn't get offended when I made a comment about him eating the cat (which he claimed he was allergic to... Yeah, right... I'm sure he wants all his client with cats to think that he's allergic so that we'd be fooled when the cats ends up missing... Clever little Asian...)

Yea so ummm... yeah