Saturday, August 30, 2008

Angry Girlfriendism: Women

"Trying to figure out a woman is like trying to hit the lottery... Only one in a million will hit the jackpot" - Angry Girlfriend

Does that even make any sense?

Oh well... Who really gives a shit...

You like how I tried to get all Confucius on your ass!

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Angry Girlfriend Day Poll

So I've decided on 3 dates for the official Angry Girlfriend Day.

Let me break it down and give you an explanation on the 3 dates so that you can understand where I'm coming from.

July 9th - That would be the day I had the Angry Girlfriend tattoo, so it's kinda the birth of Angry Girlfriend.

September 7th - This is the day that I started the Angry Girlfriend blog. Another kinda birth of Angry Girlfriend.

October 15th - That would be the day that Cornholio ripped through his mothers vagina and all hell broke lose. Instead of celebrating his birthday, I would now have something better to do.

"Hey, it's not my fault Angry Girlfriend Day happens to fall on your birthday. This is what the public wanted".

I'm such an asshole, I know...

So now that you've all been informed, please choose wisely.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

KY: Yours + Mine

So we've all seen the commercial for KY: Yours + Mine, but the commercial is pretty vague on what the stuff does, other then when they combine...
Naturally, I had to put it to the test. Why? Because that's what I do.

It comes with 2 bottles. Yours (his) and the Mine (hers).

I'm not really sure what the Yours (his) side of it is suppose to do for him. Cornholio claimed that it did nothing for him which I believe to be total bullshit, but what would I know? I don't have a penis.

On the Mine (hers) side of it, it was a different story. The Mine (hers) when rubber outside on the vagina and more specifically on the clitoris, it provided a cool sensation.

When combined with the Yours (his), there was a warm feeling in my vagina and a cool feeling on my clitoris.

Long story short, warm on the inside + cool on the outside = very quick orgasm.

Not to mention that I had blast with all the crazy tingly feeling going on down there. Not quite fireworks, but fun nonetheless.

It cost about $15, but it was so totally worth it.

I give it 4 out of 5 Dildos.

On a completely irrelevant topic, last night I read an old issue of Penthouse Forum from 1977 and ended up masturbating 4 times.

Who'd think that people in the 70's were soooo naughty?

Friday, August 22, 2008

Angry Girlfriend Day

So I been thinking for a long time that maybe there should be some sort of holiday dedicated to me. It would be called Angry Girlfriend Day and it would be dedicated to all the women who have been scorned by a past or present lover.

Basically, it would include every woman in the world.

I'd make one huge festival out of it.

It'll be celebrated either in July or September, but I'll let my readers pick. I'll set up a poll for that later.

There would be booze, angry girlfriends sharing stories with other angry girlfriends about how their current or ex-lover is a real fuck up, games to help relieve the stress of dealing with morons, more booze, and a bunch of other stuff that I haven't quite figured out yet, so if anyone else out there has any ideas, please feel free to pitch in.

One of the games I've come up with is Angry Girlfriend Bobbing the Apple in which we'd paste a picture of ex or current lover to an apple. The point of the game would be to bite off as much of their face off as possible, spit the mauled apple to the ground and shout profanities at it. The angry girlfriend with the most rage wins.

Sounds like fun, right?

Another game would be Choke That Stupid Bitch To Death. This would be geared more towards those damn medaling family members. We'd take a life sized doll and paste a picture of your ex or current lovers most bothersome, family member. In my case, it would be Cornholio's sister. Then you choke, kick, spit, stab, or do anything else that you feel necessary to that fucking medaling family member, while shouting as much profanity as you can. Like Angry Girlfriend Bobbing the Apple, the angry girlfriend with the most rage wins.

The highlight of Angry Girlfriend day would be the Stab-Your-Ex-Lover-in-the-Back game, which would be like some sort of piñata that we could all throw darts at, as we angrily scream the reasons why we are so mad at this person. The angry girlfriend who destroys her piñata and screams the loudest and displays the most rage wins.

At the end of the festival, there would be an Angry Girlfriend pageant. Angry Girlfriends would be invited to give speeches on why they are so angry at their ex or current lover. The Angry Girlfriend with the best speech and the most rage wins.

I know what you're thinking.

Angry Girlfriend, you're such a humanitarian. Always coming up with these brilliant ideas to help the people.

And yes, you're absolutely right. It's okay. You don't owe me anything. Just consider it my gift to you. Just another one of my Angry Girlfriend public services.

Instead of paying thousands of dollars for a shrink to make you answer your own questions, you can get instant relief from me.

I invite you all to come and release your rage on Angry Girlfriend Day... once I have a date picked. Muahahahahahahahahahahahahaha (For those of you who don't know, that's my evil laugh).

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Why You Suck and I'm Better Than You

Am I really better than anyone?

Of course I am!

In general, I would say that I am better then about 99% of the worlds population.

Do I donate money to charities? Absolutely not! However, I do donate money to the ASPCA, but that only because my love for animals by far outweighs my love for human. But that really has nothing to do with why I'm better than you.

Do I have my own reality show on E! or VH1? Nope, but I'm sure they wish they had me. I'm pretty entertaining if I do say so myself.

Am I so super hot, with a big bootylishous ass like Kim Kardashian or a super rich and spoiled ass debutant like Paris Hilton? Hell no. Though, I wouldn't mind having extra cash.

To be honest, I'm nowhere near sainthood. I drink, I smoke, I party like a rock star, I swear like a fucking truck driver, I'm lazy, I'm always making sexual references, or racial jokes, I've long been the topic of controversy among family and friends, and most people probably secretly hate me as a person.

Do I care? Fuck no.

I like being bitchy. It's my right to act like I'm having PMS even when I'm not. Matter fact, it's my duty to be bitchy and moody. It keeps people on their toes, plus it's fun for me.

I don't mind being in the middle of controversy, just so long as it's something interesting. No, this doesn't mean I'm a drama queen. Nothing good comes from drama. Controversy, however, is a whole different story.

I just like to think that the world revolves around me because in all truth, it really does, even if the rest of the people in the world haven't realized it yet.

Anyways, nothing that I've mentioned really states a reason for why you suck and I'm better than you, and it really doesn't matter.

In the end, it's all the same because you suck and I'm better than you...

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Clients From Hell

I've said before and I'll say it again: I have no business working in anything that involves me interacting with people on a "professional" level.

I don't believe that the customers are always right because they are wrong... dead wrong. Not only are they wrong, but hard up for cash and willing to go through extremes to cheat people to get what they want.

I met one of those types of clients last night.

This is what happened:

About 2 weeks ago, I Cornholio's mom had asked me to call a client to schedule their next cleaning appointment. I called the lady and she tells me that she hadn't called to schedule an appointment because her husbands Nintendo DS, some game that was in the DS and the backpack that the DS was stored in, was missing.

She claimed to have called Cornholio's mother 2 weeks after the incident, but that's severely questionable, otherwise I would've heard about it by now, not to mention, why would anyone wait 2 weeks before reporting that something was missing?

Normally, Cornholio's mom will assume liability of these types of things, but only if it's reported 48-72 hrs since the cleaning crew has been there, but considering that these people waited a month to even say something and had a subsequent appointment after the one where they claimed that the DS went missing, Cornholio's mom wasn't about to take the fall for this one and I can't say I blame her.

Oh, and these people were home when the DS went missing.

Cornholio's mom decided to set up a meeting with these people face to face and I ended up having to go.

It didn't take me but 5 minutes to realize that these people are looking a little hard up for cash and the ladies husband is one of those on the down-low gays. Yep, that's right. Her husbands gay and she is completely unaware.

Or maybe she is aware. It would explain why her face looked like a fucking retarded ass frog.

Needless to say, the meeting didn't go so well. She demands that we reimburse her, and Cornholio's mom says we're not liable.

Between the Retarded Ass Frog Ladies nasty little attitude and my ass talking over her and her in the closet, gay husband, I just don't see us coming to any agreement.

They threated us with a lawsuit, and I told them to do their best cause they don't have a case. They can't prove that this DS even existed and if it did that we were liable for its disappearance, not to mention they waited a month to notify us. Anyone they had over could've taken it, it's just easier to blame it on the cleaning people.

Those people don't phase me so I really don't give a shit, but it was really hard to bite my tongue when what I really wanted to do was tell that bitch to go to hell and out her husband.

Oh well... I'm sure she'll be blowing up my phone later today, so I guess we'll just see what happens...

Monday, August 11, 2008

Faux Furkey

I did something stupid this weekend. I trusted a Vegan. I paid for it dearly.

This evil Vegan offered me a Faux Furkey sandwich (that's tofu turkey). I should've know not to eat it. The fucking shit was gray, for God's sake.

How could anyone possibly believe that faux furkey is good and healthy for you when the shit is gray?

I spend the whole next day vomiting stomach acid. I couldn't hold down any food, and when I wasn't puking stomach acid, I was sitting on the can with a massive case of diarrhea.

I've learned a very valuable lesson this weekend.

Being Vegan is no different from being anorexic or bulimic. You become extremely thin and you eat nothing but grass, leaves, and faux food that taste like air and makes you vomit all day.

Vegans are evil.

Never trust anyone who doesn't eat meat. It's a sign of mental instability.

That bitch tried to kill me!

Did I mention that the evil Vegan is my step-sister?

If you don't eat cows, they'll eat you. It's part of the food chain.

There's a reason why God created people to walk on 2 legs and operate a chain saw. It's so we can slaughter our own meals.

Eating meat saves lives.

I want nothing more to do with evil Vegans and their faux food. Eating faux food is just... wrong...

You've all been warned...

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Because You Breathe

I'm tired of sucking dick. It was fun and gravy but I feel that 75% of the time, it goes unappreciated.

So I've been avoiding it. But Cornholio catches on to these types of things. Not the part that I'm feeling unappreciated, but the part that I don't want his penis anywhere near my mouth.

Then he finds ways to trick me so I feel bad about it.

It goes something kinda like this:

Him: So... don't you wanna suck it?

Me: Ummmm, no not really?

Him: You sure? Cause it's right here...

Me: Yeah, I'm sure.

Him: Why are you being so mean?

Me: (mumble) Because you breathe...

Him: What did you just say?

Me: Nothing...

Him: You said something. I heard you...

Me: No, I didn't say anything...

Him: Yes, you did. You said, because I breathe. You want me to die? How could you say that?

Me: No, no. You misunderstood. I said because you peed. Because you peed, not breathe. I don't wanna suck your penis because you just peed.

Him: You peed in my food again didn't you? What have I ever done to you, for you to treat me so bad?

Me: Calm down! You're over reacting... I haven't done anything to your food.

Him: You're trying to kill me aren't you?

Me: Don't you think that's a little extreme? Why would I want to kill you?

Him: Because I breathe...

Me: For the last time... I said because you peed, not breathe... Dammit! Fine I'll suck your dick!

Him: Ok... if you insist...

Mother fucker! Gets me out of guilt every time. What a conniving little fuck.

Of course, this all really my fault. I just can't help but to say something fucked up. It's all just one big set up.

What a fucking prick.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Naked Twister

Just for kicks, I really want to play a game of Naked Twister.

Of course, booze would more then likely be involved. Naked Twister is much more interesting when everyone is drunk.

Drunk Naked Twister.

I'd also have to recruit some really hot guys and girls cause naked twister with a bunch of fat, ugly people is just no fun.

It's dangerous and scary. Entertaining, but dangerous and scary.

So, yeah. Super Hot Sexy Drunk Naked Twister.

Maybe we should throw some baby oil into the mix to get all those hot, sexy, naked people all greased up because I like that kinda stuff and it turns me on.

Super Hot Sexy Drunk Greasy Oil Naked Twister.

No, wait. I think, I may prefer bubbles to oil.

Super Hot Sexy Drunk Greasy Oil Foamy Bubbley Naked Twister.

Yeah, I think that works. I can touch people inappropriately and no one will be able to tell that it's me if I have foamy bubbles instead of greasy oil.

So there you have it.

Super Hot Sexy Drunk Foamy Bubbley Naked Twister.

Any super hot sexy drunk people care to play?

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Random Dream

I had the weirdest dream last night. It was all very chaotic and really hard to understand, but there was some weird unseen presence that was destroying the city.

Everyone was in complete panic. Some oil tank lifted in midair and then went flying across the street. It crushed my friend and killed her instantly.

I ran with panic over to my car and tried to put in the key. But something was holding me back and I was watching some unseen force dent it as I tried to get in.

I finally get in and haul ass. I don't know where I am but I think I'm suppose to be there. There are familiar faces but I still don't feel safe.

Some weird song is playing and I've never heard it before, but I know that I like it.

I woke up with the weird song still playing in my head, and was really annoyed by it. My first thought was, "What the fuck was that all about?"

It was all really weird, but in another hour or so, it'll be all cloudy and I probably wont be able to remember much of it.

So ummm, yeah.

Monday, August 4, 2008

The Vampire Lady

My HOA drama is far from over.

This morning, as I was getting into my car, which I've been parking in a neighborhood across the street, I saw the lady who I refer to as the Vampire Lady.

The bitch is like in her later forties, has fangs caps on her teeth and purple hair. She's a stay-at-home mom and home schools her son. She's also a member of the HOA. She's one of those people who act like they own the neighborhood, but in reality she just has no life.

For a "Vampire", you'd think that Halloween is like her favorite holiday. She decorates her house and sits out with a table and everything, so you think you're gonna get something good but she gives the crappiest shit for Halloween.

All smoke and no mirrors, you know what I mean?

Anyways, that's all really besides the point.

Long story short, that fucking bitch had the fucking audacity to follow me to my car this morning.

As I got into my car, I saw her jump out from behind a bush. She gave me a look of disgusted and I gave her a look of I don't-give-a-fuck and the finger, and I drove off.

I saw her run to someones house in that neighborhood, so I'm assuming she probably wants the neighborhood to know that people who don't live there are parking on their lot, but that street doesn't have an HOA. It's county property, so you're out of luck bitch.

I can only imagine what the neighbors face must've been like when they opened the door and saw a middle aged woman with a painted white face, purple hair and fangs ranting on about people not paying their HOA fees parking in the neighborhood at 9:30 in the morning. Kinda hard to take her seriously, I can imagine.

I'm not sure what the Vampire Lady plans to do, but whatever move she tries to make from here on out is more then likely illegal. I'm not parking in the condo lot. I'm on county grounds now, so technically I should be safe.

I knew I wasn't crazy. They were watching me, just like I said.

This shit is far from over...