Friday, December 28, 2007

I'd So Never Do That

So I've been thinking of all the things that I swore I'd never do, but somehow ended up doing anyways, when I came up with an idea for a whole new blog...

Check out Angry Girlfriend Presents... I Would So Never Do That and please submit some stories. I think I'd pretty cool to hear about all the things that other people have sworn never to do, and yet somehow ended up doing it.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

How Does Your Chicken Taste?

Once upon a time, there was a boyfriend who lied to his girlfriend about going to work. The girlfriend became enraged when she found out that he was actually at a McDonald’s with some whore (I’m not just calling the girl a whore. She really was).

I guess the dumbass thought that his girlfriend would never find out about his little white lie, but he must’ve forgotten the fact that he was a man, and men always get caught cause they ain’t all that bright.

The girlfriend’s first thought was to set the boyfriends house on fire, but then she quickly remembered that she lived there, too. So instead, she set out to find her lying ass boyfriend, with the intent of vandalizing his car. You know, key up the car, slash the tires, break in the windows, all the fun stuff.

Well, as it turned out, finding him would be harder then she had originally thought. He must’ve heard the messages on his voicemail that she had left him warning him that once she got a hold of his scrawny little neck, she was going to snap it in half like a wishbone. Or maybe it was the message she left about cutting off his penis, frying it, and then feeding it to the dog to ensure that he would not be able to have it reattached like John Bobbitt, had him running scared.

Even though the girlfriend knew that the boyfriend had only picked up this escort to deliver her to a john to make some extra cash, it still enraged her because he had lied about what he was doing and she had had to find out on her own. How did she find out? Well, everyone knows that us woman have our ways of finding out the truth, no matter what the truth maybe.

The angry girlfriend needed revenge, so she decided that when the boyfriend got home, she would act normal. As if nothing had happened. She cooked the boyfriend dinner and waited patiently for him to come home.

The boyfriend was quite surprised to see that his angry girlfriend had calm down significantly. He was scared at first, but then became more relaxed and sat down to eat his meal, which consisted of chicken and pasta.

As he ate the chicken, he realized that there was a somewhat bitter taste to it, but was unable to pinpoint the taste. As he finished his chicken, the girlfriend started clearing the table and as she walked towards to the kitchen she turned back and said, “You seemed like you really enjoyed your chicken marinated in my urine”.

The look on the boyfriends face and the fact that he had eaten chicken marinated in piss was all the revenge the angry girlfriend needed.

*The moral of the story here is don't lie to your girlfriend/wife, whatever. We will always find out the truth and we will always get revenge. Men, this is why you shouldn't be so stupid.

I feel a Mastercard commercial coming:

1 lb of boneless chicken breast... $2.79
1 box of pasta... $.89
1 can of alfredo sause...$1.89
2 ounces of urine... free
The price on your boyfriends face when you tell him that his chicken has been marinated in urine... Priceless


Monday, December 3, 2007

Beware of Dora the Explorer

Dora the Explorer

One day, I’m talking to my sister on the phone and she randomly blurted out that she thinks her 3-year-old daughter would try to kill her if Dora the Explorer told her to do it. My sister is so fucking hilarious. I love that bitch. Who the hell else could come up with that shit? This has to be one of the most randomness things that my sister has ever blurted out, but it made me stop and think.

I think that she may actually be right. I started to take notice as my own son would repeat things that Dora would say just because she would tell the kids to repeat after her. She would ask him questions and he would respond to her. If Dora told him to put his hands up in the air and count to 3, he would do it.

I realized at that moment that Dora was actually more dangerous then I had originally assumed her to be. The control that Dora has over my son, as well as all the other kids his age, can only be described as those of a cult leader. Dora has my son, and all the other kids, completely brainwashed.

As if Dora wasn’t dangerous enough, her cousin Diego, is also someone to watch out for. My kid jumped off the couch while making noises like “Baby Jaguar” because he thought that he was jumping over a river to rescue a chinchilla or a red eye tree frog, or whatever the hell animal it was, all because Diego encouraged him to “follow me”. Scary, ain’t it?

And it’s not just Dora and Diego. Blue’s Clues and Yo! Gabba Gabba also breaks the “fourth wall” by engaging in conversation with the audience, but I think that Dora is by far the most dangerous one of them all.

Don’t laugh. I’m being serious. Just cause that bitch, Dora looks all sweet and innocent, don’t mean that she’s not really planning some kind of evil attack with her evil purple monkey, Boots.

Looks can be deceiving. Dora is jealous of kids with families because her life is so miserable. The cheeriness is all just a front. Her parents consistently neglect her and recently even dumped the responsibility of her infant twin brother and sister on her. Her best friend is a monkey and she’s left all day to run around in the woods all by herself.

There was one episode where she was in the middle of the woods and was trying to find her way home. This lead me to believe that perhaps it is her parents who leave her in the middle of the woods everyday, in hopes that she might get lost and not find her way back, though Dora herself seems completely oblivious to the fact that her parents are trying to get rid of her.

I believe that the minute Dora finally figures it all out she will use the kids to exact her revenge on her family and will possibly have the kids act out on their own families. She may seem harmless, but remember, Dora has spent her whole childhood lost in the woods and she talks to animals as well as to inanimate objects (Backpack and The Map). She is constantly being chased down by a fox who seems to be a kleptomaniac. Actually, the more I think about it, the more I’m starting to realize that Dora is starting to sound like a schizophrenic. Someone needs to put this kid on some Stelazine.

The bottom line is that under no circumstances should any child be left unattended with Dora talking to them on T.V. The bitch may seem harmless now, but if your kid turns against you one day for some unknown reason, you can’t say that you weren’t warned.

Dora and Boots hide from Swiper the Fox

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Honey Honestly: What's Your Number?

We’ve all been there. You’re sitting there on the couch with your significant other, whom at this point, you probably haven’t been dating for anymore then 3 months, when suddenly they turn to you and ask, “So honey, how many people have you slept with?”

No one really wants to answer this question truthfully, and the person who asked the question more then likely doesn’t want a truthful answer, and yet, for some unknown reason this question always seems to pop up at some point in a relationship.

So how do you answer? Well, if you’re anything like me, you lie. My number has stayed at 6 for… well… let’s just say a long time. Funny thing about it is that the number 6 seems to be the standard number for most women.

Every woman that I know that does have a higher number then 6, will always tell her current partner that he is number 6. Hell, I’ll be damned if I ratted them out. After all, I’m a liar, too! (Not that I’ve been overly promiscuous, but some people just didn’t count, hehe).

But what I don’t get is why is it that when a guy is asked about his number, the answer is always something like, “I can’t remember” or some ridiculously high number which of course is, 99% of the time, a flat out lie.

Woman tend to knock off a few people from their list because “it didn’t count” or because they don’t like to seem promiscuous, but men tend to exaggerate because a higher number makes them seem more macho to their male buddies who of course are also lying.

I don’t think these men get that woman don’t like promiscuous men anymore then men like promiscuous woman. A whore is a whore, regardless of gender, and I don’t see shit in a guy who claims to have a high number of sexual partners. It’s actually a major turn-off to most women. So even if you happen to be one of those guys who really does have a ridiculously high number, unless you were or are currently a porn star, I suggest you start lying about you’re number, too!

I don’t normally advocate lying in a relationship but in this case, it’s probably the better option because even though you’re partner may ask you the question, it doesn’t mean that they necessarily want hear the truth.

If you happen to be one of those people who really feels the need to figure out the truth, here’s a good way to get a more accurate estimate of how many past lovers your current boy/girlfriend has had:

*To get a more accurate estimate number for a female, multiply whatever number of sexual partners she claims to have had by 2. (Ex. If she claims 3, then it’s more likely 6. If she claims 6, then it’s more likely 12, etc.)

*To get a more accurate estimate number for a male, divide whatever number of sexual partners he claims to have had by 3. (Ex. If he claims 20, then it’s more likely 6. If he claims 36, then it’s more likely 12, etc.)

*Note: This formula does not apply to people who have worked in the following industries: porn, whore houses, escorts, strippers, prostitutes, Hollywood actors and actresses and Hugh Hefner.

Should your partner ever happen to ask you who has been the best lover you’ve had, the answer should always be, “Are you kidding me? You, honey. You’re the best”. I don’t care if your current sexual partner is like a cold dead fish in the sack. The answer to the question should always be the person you’re currently with, that is unless you’re on a suicide mission.

Why do people even bother to ask these damn questions? Because we’re all in some way a little bit narcissistic and egocentric. We all want to hear that we are the best fuck, cocksucker, carpet-muncher, etc., even if it is a lie.

Of course, I just happen to know that I am very good at what I do, and I don’t need any reassurance about it. I guess I’m just full of myself. ;)

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Confessions of a Former Phone Sex Operator

I’ve decided to finally reveal what really went on, on the other side of the line while I was working as a Phone Sex Operator.

This is going to both shock and piss the hell out of some of you, but I really don’t give a shit.

As most of you know, most phone sex operators tend to lie about what they do for a living since telling people that they’re a phone sex operator, well I really don’t have a fucking clue why they lie. I, however, was not the typical phone sex operator who lied. Every one of my friends and family knew exactly what I was doing for a living, as well as any person who asked me what I did for a living.

I didn’t have any shame then, and I don’t now. I made money from home, talking dirty to someone else’s boyfriend, husband, or some single lonely guy and I all I had to do is fake some horny noises and an orgasm, which as you may know, most women tend to do anyways. I just happen to get paid for faking it, and there was no physical contact which just made it easier.

Now before I start my confession, let me just quickly point out that not all, matter of fact, the majority of phone sex operators don’t do this kind of shit. I just happen to be a real asshole… well that and a lot of the clients would piss me off after some time so I really just didn’t give a shit at that point. Besides, no matter what you may think, working as a phone sex operator is really not a lucrative form of income, which partially explains why I became increasingly bitchy over time.

So this is my personal account of what really happened during most of those calls, as well as some of my thoughts about the people who called me:

1. I never actually did any of those things that I said I did. I never masturbated on any call. Ever.

2. I was usually doing my homework while telling you that I was fucking myself with a suction cup dildo.

3. On several occasions, I was having sex with my boyfriend while talking to you. Actually, this happened more frequently then not.

4. If I told you that I was going outside to masturbate on the deck it was only because I was really just going outside to smoke a cigarette.

5. I couldn’t take your calls during the day because I was caring for my toddler, not because I’m a 19-year-old college student who had classes in the morning like I told you guys.

6. It wasn’t completely a lie. I was a 24-year-old college student who was taking classes online. Needless to say, those weren’t my pictures you were masturbating to.

7. The dirty panties you ordered from me were bought from the $1 store and were never worn by me. I wiped them around dirty surfaces to give them a worn look, then washed them and rubbed them in fish, to give it the pussy smell you asked for.

8. You paid $40 for those panties and I got to keep 90% of that. I just made a $35 profit.

9. Speaking of which, those panties cost whatever the hell I say they cost. If you pissed me off, or I was having a bad day, I jacked up the price on you, and you were still more then willing to pay for it.

10. When some of you asked me to saying something sexy to you in Spanish, I would usually say "Quiero que me pagas mas dinero pa pagar la renta". When you asked me what it meant, I told you that it meant, "Your dick is so big, I want you to fuck me". It really means "I want you to pay me more money so I can pay my rent". Not even close, but how the hell would you know?

11. Because of the minimum 10 minute rule, those of you who finished in 5 minutes or less were my favorite clients. I still got paid for the full 10 minutes.

12. I also liked those of you who hung up right after finishing. Those of you who stayed on the line to make small talk just because you still had like 2 minutes left, irritated the shit out of me. As if I haven’t been faking the whole time, now I got to fake small talk with you too?

13. I know that I worked for a site to claim to be “No Taboos”, but some of you had some really insane request. Like the psycho who wanted me to cut my nipple off and mail it to him, and shove a hot curing iron up my pussy. What part of fantasy don’t you understand? I’m certainly not going to really cut off my nipple in the first place. How about we shove that hot curling iron up your asshole, you sick fuck?!

14. Those of you who didn’t call for phone sex, but called just because you wanted someone to talk to, I really did sympathize with. Guess I’m not a total bitch after all.

15. If you called me Friday or Saturday night, chances are I was tipsy, or maybe a little more then tipsy. In either case, I had friends over who heard everything on speaker, which you gave me permission to do thinking that my friends and I were going to get all horny and fuck each other.

16. We were actually trying to stop ourselves from laughing right then and there.

17. Yes, we did laugh hysterically afterwards. Then again, I guess I am a bitch.

Shocking, isn’t it?

Let me just reiterate that the majority of phone sex operators are not like me, and since I am now out of the industry, you can now rest a bit easier knowing that I’m no longer taking calls and you wont be the butt of my jokes.

I don’t believe that all clients who call phone sex operators are desperate, ugly, or pathetic. In fact, I think that phone sex is a healthy means for self exploration. But after being in the industry for quite some time, I guess I just started to become annoyed with certain client request, which is why I left the industry to begin with.

So don’t let my little confessional deter you from calling up a phone sex operator. I wasn’t always such a bitch doing the job, just towards the end. It kind of gets old and some clients are just assholes who deserved to be mocked and made fun of.

P.S. to all you assholes who I'm talking about, just so you know, phone sex operators DO trade notes with each other about certain "troublesome" clients. If you piss off enough phone sex operators, eventually you get blacklisted. That blacklist does travel to other phone sex companies, especially if you're the kind of person who likes doing chargebacks.

I know that it was a real asshole thing for me to do all these things, let alone share them for the world to read, but I really don't give a flying fuck. I'm a bitch. Get over it.

To all those clients who were jerks and fucked me over by doing a chargeback, or who wanted me to act out some really demented fantasy that was so sick and twisted that I eventually had to just stop answering your calls altogether, and to the jerk off’s who made appointments with me so I would call them outside of my normal hours but then screwed me over by claming that they didn’t have the time right then and there but would then try to keep me on the line for as much time as possible, and to all the other assholes who pissed me off, I bid you this final “Go fuck yourself!”.

Monday, November 12, 2007

The Wondrous Vulva Puppet

Recently on The Tyra Banks Show, there was a segment which featured “The Wondrous Vulva Puppet”.

Apparently this puppet was designed for women who seem to have some sort of self-loathing towards their vulva, or so was my idea of what purpose this puppet served. As a proud owner of a vulva, I have to admit that this has to be one of the most ridiculous inventions ever to be created. Especially since the price to buy one of these Vulva Puppets is $125.

I happen to love my vulva very much, but I just can’t imagine the idea of spending $125 on a Vulva Puppet that in no way shows the true the beauty of a vulva. I don't know why they refer to this thing as being "Wondrous". I don't see anything wondrous about it at all. I'm actually a little shocked and somewhat amused at the idea that there are actually people out there wasting their money on this thing.

I’d be open to a Vulva Puppet if it actually resembled a real vulva because then I could actually believe that it would serve some sort of purpose.

Dr. Debbie, who was a featured guess on the Tyra Banks Show and a spokesperson for “The Wondrous Vulva Puppet” said on the show about the Vulva Puppet, “It’s a little silly because of course we don’t really have velvet and satin and little flowers down there, so when you do look down there, you know don’t be surprised if you don’t find this”.

To which Tyra replied, “I’m so happy that you have this because it, really, it makes it cute and sweet and not scary. It’s like a stuff animal”.

I’m assuming that Tyra must loath her vulva if she thinks it’s scary.

As Dr. Debbie pointed out the urethra (you may not know it by name, but this is the mysterious “third hole” I’m sure most of you have heard about, where your urine comes out of), Tyra stated to Dr. Debbie, “Dr. Debbie so many woman think that you pee and have a baby from the same hole.”

Truth be known, I do believe that their may be a lot of woman out there that do lack basic knowledge about their vulvas, but I don’t think that Tyra is giving the majority of us who know better, credit.

I think a more accurate statement would have been that Tyra thought that you pee and have a baby from the same hole.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for sex education, especially for woman. I just don’t agree that dressing up a vulva in velvet and sewing a flower where the clitoris should be is really useful since a real vagina looks nothing like that.

If the purpose of this Vulva Puppet was to make woman want to embrace their vulva’s and not feel shame, then why not create a more accurate Vulva Puppet? One that shows what a real vulva looks like in all its glory.

The only way that a self-conscious woman will be able to really embrace her vulva is if she has a more accurate depiction of what a real vulva looks like and not some vulva that looks like a deformed, fluffy, stuffed animal.

Vulva Puppet in Pink
Image from The Wondrous Vulva Puppet

The truth is our vulvas are not scary. They are beautiful just as they are, but by creating this Vulva Puppet to make it look “pretty”, I think that they may make already self-conscious women even more self-conscious about their vulvas and unconsciously these women may actually start to believe that their vulvas are scary and ugly.

To all the women who may be reading this: If you haven’t gotten in touch with your vulva, I suggest you do so. Just like penises come in all different colors and sizes and curves, our vulvas come in a variety of colors, shapes, and sizes. You don’t have to spend $125 on a vulva that is dressed to be pretty, when you own a vulva that is just as accurate as any other vulva out there.

The key to really learning to love your vulva is to embrace it for all it’s worth, not by buying one of these silly little puppets that in Tyra’s words, “makes it cute and sweet and not scary”. A real vulva is cute and sweet. There’s no need for this velvety, silky, satin, flowery vulva because a real vulva looks and feels nothing that.

Embrace your vulvas for how they really are. The real vulva is so much better then the sugar coded version. There is nothing more empowering for a woman then the ability to love, embrace, and speak openly, without shame about her vulva.

Wondrous Vulva Puppet, my ass.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Comments to Angry Girlfriend: Strap-On

I received a comment from one of my regular readers who I won’t name, but I will state that this person lives in Titusville, Florida (hehe). The comment was in reference to my blog Why Wish I I Had a Penis.

Titusville, FL said:

Try a strap-on and have fun. It’s not the same but it’s the closest you can get.


Let me tell you why your idea sucks:

1. I still want a penis.

2. I won’t be able to feel anything with a strap-on like I would if I had a penis.

3. I can't write my name in the snow with a strap-on.

4. I still want a penis.

5. I can’t feel a blow job with a strap-on.

6. I still wouldn’t know what it would feel like to actually penetrate a vagina or an asshole with a strap-on.


The bottom line is a strap-on is NOTHING like having a real penis at all. I own a strap-on, so I speak from personal experience.

I can’t jerk off a strap-on and get any feeling from that. I can’t feel anything at all! It’s rubber!

To compare a strap-on to a real penis is completely absurd. Other then the way they are shaped, they share nothing else in common. Not texture or feeling, nothing!

I stated 14 good reasons for wanting a real penis. Out of that list of 14, I can do…oh, let’s see… ABSOLUTELY NOTHING that I mentioned with a strap-on. So if having a strap-on is the closest I can get to having a real penis, then I guess I’m fucked.

But thanks anyways… Even if your idea did suck balls, speaking of which, most strap-on’s don’t even include a pair, not that it matters since I’d get no feeling from it whatsoever.

Angry Girlfriend

Questions and comments can be sent to or you can fill out the form on the right. I'd love to hear from you!

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Why I Wish I Had a Penis

For as long as I can remember, I have always had this curiosity of what it would be like to have a penis. I remember how, as a child, I would envy boys because they could pee standing up, but I would have to sit down.

On several occasions, I myself, attempted to pee while standing, but my aim wasn’t that great and I was convinced that had I had a penis, the experience would have been much more enjoyable.

To this day, I still often wish that I had a penis, though most of my reason how now changed, but I guess God knew what he was doing when he made me a girl.

I’m almost positive that had I been born a boy, instead of a girl, I would’ve most certainly become a man-whore or even a porn star just because I could and wouldn’t have a care in the world about being labeled a slut. Being a slut is a good thing for a man… that is until you’re ready to settle down and start a family. Most men don’t seem to realize that their promiscuous past is a real turn-off to most women.

But that’s not really relevant to my desire for wanting a penis, so I’ll save that subject for another day.

If I had a penis, I think my penis would be about 6 ½ -7 inches long, uncircumcised, a shade of light brown, and I’d call it Bob. (I name just about everything Bob. I just think its funny, don’t ask me why). I’d keep my pubic hairs trim and neat but not completely shaved though I’d shave my balls completely. I should probably name my balls, too. How about Dirty and Harry? Just a thought…

Not to brag or anything, but if I were a guy, I think I’d be an excellent fuck. I don’t know why I assume that I’d be so great, but I’m pretty damn sure that I would be.

Now, onto my list of reasons for wanting a penis:

1. I could pee standing up.

2. I could pee in any back ally or parking lot without worrying about my pee running down my leg and not having anything to wipe with.

3. I wouldn’t have to wipe; just pee, shake, and stick it back in.

4. I could write my name in the snow.

5. I really want to know how it feels to jerk off. It looks like so much fun!

6. I want to have an orgasm and see what it feels like from a guy’s point of view. Why can’t you guys get it back up for round 2? Does it really drain you that much?

7. I could give facials, hehe. (Okay, this reason is just me being a perv).

8. I could bitch slap some girl in the face with my penis. I’d like to do it both flaccid and erected. (I’ll admit, this reason is also just me being a perv, hehe).

9. Guys look like they really enjoy receiving blow jobs. I want one and I’d want to get deep-throated. I’m dying to see what all the fuss is about.

10. I’d like to have vaginal intercourse with a female, actually several different females, with and without a condom. Virgins and whores. Do whores really have pussies so loose that you don’t feel much? Does using condoms really make a difference, or is it just an excuse to fuck us raw?

11. I’d also like to try anal sex. I’m curious to see if you guys really do it for the tightness or if it’s just another bisexual tendency that you guys refuse to own up to.

12. Like a typical female, I almost forgot about the boys. I’d like to see what having my balls sucked on feels like. You guys make such a big deal out of it, so there must be something to it.

13. This might sound a little S&Mish, but I’d like to have my balls kicked. I’m a little curious about the pain men experience when they get kicked in the balls. Is it really as bad as you men make it seem or are you guys exaggerating?

14. Maybe, by having a penis, I could finally answer the age-old question about why men are always touching their penis, even when it’s not for sexual gratification.

I’m sure most of you females would agree that these are some very good reasons for wanting a penis, and even if you’ve never admitted to having this desire yourself, I’m sure that reasons I have just listed have at least sparked your curiosity.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Questions to Angry Girlfriend: Inspiration

Here's a question from one of my readers about my last post Word's of Wisdom:

Ur Wanna-Be Husband writes:

Dear Angry Girlfriend,

Does words of wisdom mean your running low on inspiration?

How you doing down there in Florida, Wanna-Be? (So much for anonymity, lol).

To answer your question: Absolutely not!

What it does mean is that I was on my period when I quoted "Word's of Wisdom" from whoever the hell the original writer may have been and was severely PMSing. I don't care what anyone has to say (mom, I’m talking about you), PMS is a bitch.

I was simply stating a fact. Well it was more of a warning to all you men who don’t seem to know any better. Woman can be quite bitchy, and rightfully so, when they’re on their period and I wouldn’t trust a single one of them, myself including, during that time of month.

I was bleeding like a hemorrhaging cow which naturally would alter anyone’s mood, but how would a man know? It’s not like you guys go through that.

How I wish you men could suffer through at least one period in your lifetime like we women do every 28 days for 5 days straight for approximately 38 years of our lives so you could deal with changing maxi pads and tampons, and buying aspirin and heating pads to ease your stomach cramps, not to mention the irritability you feel cause you cant fit into your normal, everyday clothes due to all the bloating and water retention. Then there’s that feeling of “Blah”, where you just so blah. (Yes, blah can be a feeling and if you don’t believe me, I dare you to even try question me on that. You won’t win).

So back to your original question. Am I out of inspiration?

Honey, I’m just barely getting started.

Angry Girlfriend


Come on. I know more of you have questions for me. Whether it’s about my bitchiness, my obsession with things of sexual nature, or my random ranting about something, nothing, and everything I want to hear it. Send questions to or simply fill out the question form on the right side of the page.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Word's of Wisdom

"Never trust anything that bleeds for more then 5 days and doesn't die" - I don't know who's responsible for that quote, but love it or hate it, you have to admit it's a good one.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Angry Girlfriends Guide to Phone Sex

At some point and time, most couples have joked around about the idea of having phone sex, whether they live miles apart or are just curious about it. Its one of those things that you try just for the sake of saying you did it.

Believe it or not, phone sex can indeed enhance a relationship, especially if the couple is in a long distance relationship. But most couples to tend to get stuck on how to get it started.

As a professional in the field, I can tell you that it’s really not that hard at all to get the ball rolling. It’s as simple to get started as asking “So, what are you wearing?” as cliché as it may sound.

Say your partner calls you up from the office one day and you both have some time to kill. He’s feeling frisky and asks you to talk dirty to him. What do you do?

The easiest thing to do is talk about things that the two of you have already done together in the past. Try bringing up a time that the both of you found especially hot, e.g., the time in the park when you were almost caught by your friends, or the time on the balcony at your friends apartment.

Another thing you could try would be talking to your partner about things you’d like to do but haven’t done yet or a fantasy you’ve been thinking about though you may not actually care to live it out.

Which ever option you choose is certain to get him in the mood and might even get you there, too. Just make sure to be creative and to use your most seductive voice.

In case that you still aren’t sure about what to do, I’ve provided you with a basic script that you could use to warm yourself up with examples of things that your partner might say in response until you get comfortable with what you’re doing.

This script is meant as just a guide and should not be used verbatim. It’s important that you pay attention to what your partner is saying on the other line and form your responses accordingly:

You: You know I’ve been sitting here all day thinking about you.

Him: Oh yeah? What about me have you been thinking?

You: How I wish you were here so I could kiss you.

Him: Is that all?

You: Not even close.

Him: Keep going.

You: Well, I’d start by kissing you. Your neck, your mouth. I’d lick your ear.

Him: Uh-huh. Then what?

You: Then I’d slide my hand down your pants and rub your cock.

Him: Yeah. It’s getting hard. Now what?

You: I’d unzip your pants so your cock could breathe a little and I’d keep stroking it.

Him: Oh yea? I’d like that.

You: Yeah? Then I’d go down, and slowly lick just the tip of your cock. Then I’d put the tip in mouth and suck it on it gently.

Him: Oooooh yeah…

You: You feel how warm my mouth is? I’d pull my mouth off the tip of your cock and let some spit slide down to the shaft. Then I’d put the tip of your cock back in my mouth.

Him: That feels so good…

You: I’d take your cock as far back down my throat as I could, then come back up and just suck the tip of your cock, then push it to the back of my throat again and….

Well, I’m sure by now you get the point. Just remember to be creative, be sexy, and have fun!

If you’re still unsure about what to do, click on the video to hear an example:

Monday, October 8, 2007

Angry Girlfriends Guide to Giving Better Blow Jobs

What can be said about a blow job? Well, there you are, bobbing your head up and down, using you hand to cover the parts that your mouth don’t, while trying to synchronize both keeping enough lubrication in your mouth and using your tongue so that you don’t cause any friction, all while trying to keep your teeth from scraping the guys penis.

They don’t call it a blow job without a reason. The fact of the matter is, guys love it and women take pleasure in pleasing their men. But not all men are created equal. What may please one man may not please your man.

I can’t give you a guide on how to give the perfect blow job, but I can most certainly give you a guide on tips to giving a better blow job. With that said, lets move onto to Angry Girlfriends Guide to Giving Better Blow Jobs:

1. Find out what he likes.
It may surprise you to know that most men like their penis manhandled. If you’ve ever watched your man masturbate then you will notice how rough he might be with it. It’s very important that you take notice on how he treats his own penis in order to please him the way he wants.

However, if he is one that is too shy about allowing you watch him pleasure himself, then you’re going to have to learn from trial and error. Take note of facial expressions that he makes while you’re sucking him off. Is it a face of pleasure or pain? If pleasure, keep note of what you did and repeat it. If pain, then it’s probably safe to assume that you should cross whatever it is you did off the list unless he’s a masochist.

2. Men are visually stimulated.
Here’s something that most woman don’t know: For many man, the feeling of receiving oral sex is not nearly as good as the feeling of actually penetrating a vagina. However, because men tend to be visually stimulated, the act of watching their partner performing oral sex is what gets them off more then the act of receiving oral sex.

3. Just because he’s soft, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t suck it.
Men like their dicks sucked whether they are soft or hard. Most men actually prefer that you start while they are soft and build them up to a good hard erection. Ever considered blowing him while he's asleep? It might take him a while to realize what's going on, but once he figures it out, he'll be more then grateful.

4. Suck and Twist
The suck and twist technique is the most basic blow job technique. It requires both hand and mouth. While you use as much of your mouth as you can without gagging, you cover the area of the penis that you’re mouth cannot cover with your hand. Your hand should twist the base of the penis while you are bobbing your head up and down. You can never use too much saliva, so get your mouth as moist as you possibly can and keep the entire penis, from head to shaft, covered in saliva.

5. Use Ice
Because your mouth is already warm, a piece of ice in the mouth creates an intense hot/cool feeling that most men really enjoy while receiving a blow job.

6. Toothpaste
Toothpaste may seem like odd thing to integrate into your sex life, but it can be used to heighten the feeling of oral sex. Like ice, it creates that intense hot/cold feeling and can be used as a replacement to ice. Just be careful not to use too much toothpaste. Using too much, can create and unpleasant burning feeling on the mans penis. Use no more then about half a dime size portion of toothpaste in your mouth.

7. You don’t have to suck the whole time.
Switch up between sucking and licking to keep things interesting. Licking the tip of the penis can not only stimulate a man but it can also build up more sexual tension. Play around with the tip for a bit by just licking.

8. Use lots of spit.
The sloppier, the better. Men love to see their penis being spit on (think porn). It’s all part of the visual stimulation. Plus the extra lube helps to both intensify the pleasure of oral sex as well as helps to simulate the feeling of vaginal penetration.

9. Make eye contact.
Making eye contact is a turn on because it conveys the feeling that you enjoy what you’re doing. Moaning while giving a blow job also tells your partner that you’re are completely into him and want to satisfy him.

10. Don’t forget the boys.
Men love to have their balls sucked on while receiving some good oral. While you suck on his balls, continue to stroke his penis with your hand.

11. Deep throating.
Men love to be deep throated, but most of us have a hard time doing it without gagging, that is unless you have no gag reflexes. But, believe it or not, men actually like it when we gag for two reasons:

I. They are visually stimulated by watching us gag
II. It boost their ego and makes them think that their dick is huge

Just make sure that when you gag that you make the sexy “Oh-God-your-dick-is-so-big” face versus the “Oh-God-I-think-I’m-gonna-throw-up-on-your-dick” face. The latter is not sexy to any man on any level. No man likes that idea of having his dick puked on.

Deep throating takes quite a bit of practice but can be done. One trick that I use is swallowing some spit right before taking the penis all the way back. By swallowing, you cause your jaw muscles relax and are able to take the penis down further though you still may gag some.

12. Spit or Swallow?
This is a timeless question. Truth be known, it doesn’t really matter if you do spit or swallow. If you let the man ejaculate in your mouth in the first place, then it’s really all the same. Men get off on the pressure that the sucking creates and the warmth of the mouth. Woman who swallow, usually aren’t gulping it down as the man ejaculates, rather they keep it in their mouth until their partner is done ejaculating, then swallow while pulling their mouth off of their partners penis. So a woman who decided to spit afterwards is no different from a woman who swallows after the ejaculation has been completed.

Men are just more turned on by a woman who swallows because it’s an ego thing and it turns them on to watch even after the fact that they have already finished. Plus they figure that if they can get a woman to swallow, it opens the doors to other more taboo sexual activities.

A trick to swallowing without gagging is to place the penis as far back into your mouth as you can while your partner is ejaculating. The further back it is, the less likely you are to taste the ejaculation since your taste buds further back on your tongue are less sensitive to taste as the taste buds on the front of your tongue.

Putting these tips to use will most certainly give him the time of his life and earn you a high ranking on his Best Blow Job Ever list!

UPDATE 01/03/12 - I don't personally know this 'Jack' guy, but I read part of his book... I hate to admit it, but he's got some interesting perspectives about blow jobs. Men will be men and say some really crude shit, but from what I get, he just wants a really good blow job. He's kinda a humanitarian in a sense. Helping other people by helping himself. It makes sense. Plus, since I don't have a penis, he might know a bit more on this subject then myself. His website is

On a random note; when I think of the work 'jack', I think of jacking off... Go figure.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Dear Angry Girlfriend: Do Men Consider Oral Sex An Obligation?

Today I found that someone left me a comment asking me a ton of questions in response to my Angry Girlfriends Guide to Safer Oral Sex blog.

I have to admit, I was kind of surprised. My first thought was, “Oh my God! You mean to tell me that someone other then my family is actually reading this crap?”

But hey, I don’t mind. Could I be onto something? I decided that today I would go ahead and post a blog to answer this mystery readers questions. It’s the least I can do. I edited the original post, but this was the gist of it:

Dear Angry Girlfriend,

I am a 46 year old married woman. I recently performed oral sex on my husband with a condom after reading one of your articles about safer oral sex.
My husband liked it, although he did tell me later that I was sucking too hard. Have you heard of that before?
Also, what’s the deal with cunnilingus?
Do you think that guys really enjoy going down on a female or do they just do it out of obligation?
My husband has actually never even tried to perform oral sex on me. How do you suggest that I bring this topic up and get him to do it?

Late Bloomer

Late Bloomer, indeed. But that’s beside the point. What’s going on there Late Bloomer?

Thanks for reading by the way.

Oh yes, sucking too hard. I think most of us have sucked a guy too hard at one point and time. The most sensitive part of a mans penis is the down side of the head of the penis. The head itself is covered with thin skin that gets hurt easily.

So if you suck too hard, you'll cause him some pain and discomfort. That’s not to say that you shouldn’t apply pressure while sucking, but you have to find the right amount of pressure so that you don’t hurt him. It also helps if you keep the penis well lubricated. (KY inside of the condom helps, or good old fashion saliva if you don’t use a condom for those who are married or in a monogamous relationship).

Oral sex, in general, is a preference. Some woman love to give their men oral and others do it because they feel obligated. Likewise, for men. There are men who genuinely love to perform oral sex, and others who do it out of obligation. The best indicator of whether a person is genuinely enjoying performing oral sex is effort. If the person seems to be putting in a lot of effort and seems to be getting more sexually excited, then you can assume that this person just genuinely enjoys giving their significant other oral sex.

If the person doesn’t put forth much effort and/or keeps asking if you’re about to cum, then it’s pretty safe to assume that the person is doing it out feelings of obligation.

If your husband has never performed oral sex on you, I’d be curious as to know why. If it’s something you want him to do then just express you’re feelings to him about it. He may have never tried if he thought you were uninterested in it. Then again some men are very peculiar about the smell of a vagina.

If I were you, I would suggest taking a shower together so that you are both fresh and clean and then suggest the idea of performing oral sex on each other at the same time (69 position). Not a lot of men would say no to that.

Hope that I’ve been able to help you.

Good Luck!

Angry Girlfriend

If anyone else has any questions that they need cleared up, whether it’s related to one of my blogs or otherwise, feel free to leave me a comment or you can email me at

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Angry Girlfriends Guide to Preventing Spunky Sperm

To spit or to swallow? Many girlfriends and wives (and yes, boyfriends, too), contemplate this question. We’ve all heard so many rumors about what semen is suppose to taste like, but sometimes when we get right down to it, we encounter a problem: Spunky Sperm.

Let me set up a scenario for you:

You and your partner are getting down and dirty. You are on the receiving end of getting one of the best blow jobs you could ever imagine. The head of your penis begins to swell and you bust a big fat load into your partner’s mouth. To your surprise, she doesn’t pull back at first, but then she makes this face of disgust and hauls ass to the bathroom were you can here her spitting in the sink and vigorously rinsing her mouth.

If this has happened to you, I hate to be the bearer or bad news, but simply put: You have Spunky Sperm.

The semen of each male naturally has a unique taste to it, but believe it or not, what a man eats does affect the way his sperm will taste and even smell. In this guide, I will give you tips on how to prevent the occurrence of Spunky Sperm.

First, let’s cover what foods and drinks create the taste of Spunky Sperm:

As a general rule, dairy products create the spunkiest of Spunky Sperm.

Hot and spicy foods as well as spices with high sulfur content such as garlic and onion can also create a very Spunky Sperm.

Vegetables that should be avoided include broccoli, asparagus and any other cabbage family vegetables.

These types of food should be avoided at all cost before oral sex, unless you get a kick out of watching your partner gagging while hauling ass to the bathroom to spit out that Spunky Sperm that you shot out in her mouth.

On to the neutral food groups:

Foods like meat and fish can go either way. Some woman claim that it helps neutralize Spunky Sperm and others claim that these foods cause Spunky Sperm. The best way to know which way which side of the fence you’re on is to simply just try it for yourself.

Now, onto the foods that help reduce the taste of Spunky Sperm and in most cases, even give semen a pleasant taste:

Fruits such as mangos, pineapples, apples, grapes and melons, give semen a sweeter taste because they are high in natural sugars.

Cinnamon, lemon and peppermint also give semen a sweeter taste.

Parsley and wheatgrass are foods that have also been proven to give semen a sweeter taste.

Drinking lots of water will help reduce the taste of semen altogether, though there will still be a slight taste.

Fruity alcohol based drinks and drinks like cream soda give a sweet sugary taste and is highly recommended in my book.

Guys, if you follow these guidelines, you’ll increase the chances of your partner wanting to swallow almost every time!

Monday, October 1, 2007

Confessions of a Former Cutter

When most people hear the term “self-mutilation”, it makes them think of a person who is crazy or mentally unstable. Some might even relate the term to a person with suicidal tendencies when in fact it has nothing to with being crazy, or suicidal.

Many people would cringe at the mere idea that a person would want to self mutilate themselves and although this is a subject that most people would rather not talk about, it is estimated that 2 to 3 million Americans suffer from self mutilation.

So what is self mutilation?

Self mutilation is the act of intentionally inflicting harm upon oneself by cutting, scratching, burning, hair pulling, anything that causes physical harm to oneself. Tattooing and piercing can be forms of self mutilation but only if pain and/or stress relief was a factor.

A self mutilator can be anyone of any age, but is more commonly a female between the ages of 13 and 30.

Why would anyone want to self inflict pain on themselves?

Self mutilation is usually used as a coping mechanism. I can’t speak for all cutters in terms of their reasons for cutting, but I can enlighten you with my story, even though I must admit that since this story is so personal to me, I did think twice before writing it.

Who knows? There might be people out there who might learn something from this. So here’s my story:

For as long as I can remember, I’ve never really cared to show people my “soft” side. I believed (and to this day still believe) that if you allow others to see you weak, or soft, you would be setting yourself up to get hurt. It was important to keep an appearance of being tough and strong, even if it was only a façade.

I’m not really sure what lead me to think this way. All I can tell you is that I felt very strongly about not feeling vulnerable. I guess it may have had something to do with not properly learning how to handle emotional pain.

I had created a barrier around myself sometime during my childhood, and to this day, that barrier still stands, which I’ve just realized, may actually be hurting me, instead of helping me as it was intended. To move forward in life, sometimes you have to look back and see where the problem began.

I remember that when I was going into the 4th grade, I transferred elementary schools and was labeled “the new kid in school”. I felt pretty alone and isolated. I had made several friends, and yet, I always felt as if I never quite fit in.

I carried these feelings of isolation from elementary school, to middle school. In the summer going into my 8th grade, things took a turn for the worse when some unexpected “new editions” were integrated into my family unit.

The first time I remember cutting myself, I was 13 years old. Believe it or not, it was actually an accident. I was in class while the teacher was rambling on about God-knows-what, and was lost in my own thoughts. I had a mechanical pencil in hand and had unconsciously begun drawing on my skin. I suddenly realized that my skin was sore and looked down to see that not only had I unconsciously drawn on my skin but I had drawn a figure of a cross. My skin was red from where I had drawn the cross. At that point I really didn’t think much else about it, but instead of stopping, I continued to draw on my skin. I can’t say for sure why I didn’t stop. I guess it was because in some strange way, it felt good.

I was going through a lot of problems at the time. As I stated, there were some unexpected new editions to the family and I was suffering from low self esteem since I was a minority in a majority African American school.

Kids going through puberty can be quite cruel. I felt as if I had no control over my life, but the day I accidentally cut myself, I realized that although I had no control over the changes that had taken place in my life, cutting myself was something that I could very well control.

In some strange way, cutting myself allowed me to endure the emotional pain that I was feeling. It probably should have raised some red flags to family that something was wrong, but it went unnoticed.

I enjoyed the feeling of cutting myself because it felt like some sort of relief. All the anger and grief that I was unable to express made its appearance on my skin. I would cut my arms, legs, stomach, and once even my back. It was the only way I knew how to cope with my anger and emotional instability.

Through high school, I continue to cut. I felt isolated and had few if any friends, my freshman year. I was miserable at home and so I cut myself. When my mom finally did notice, she told me to stop. She thought that I was doing it for attention. I’m sure she meant well, but you can’t tell a cutter to stop cutting themselves and expect them to actually listen. It just doesn’t work that way.

As I watched my peers date and exchange Valentines Day cards, Christmas cards, and bring cakes and balloons for their friends on their birthday, I felt so alone and isolated. I would often wonder to myself, “Why don’t I have friends like that? What’s wrong with me?”. In all honesty, it tore me up inside, but I was determined to let others know that. So I’d act as if I didn’t give a shit and then I’d go to the bathroom at school or wait to go home to cut myself.

The situation at home wasn’t any better and only increased the urge to cut myself. I thought that no one cared about me, especially since no one tried to do anything to stop me.

Anytime that I felt stressed, angry, sad, or just plain miserable, I would go cut myself. I did this all throughout high school and no one seemed to notice, and those who did notice, didn’t seem to care.

Then one day during study hall, my senior year, someone did notice. My swim coach noticed some scars and fresh cuts on my arm and told me that he was concerned about how I had attained those scratches. Of course, I lied and told him some ridiculous story about the cat scratching me. I don’t think he believed me since he warned me that if he saw anymore suspicious cuts on me, he would have to refer me to the schools shrink.

Like a bulimic that learns to hide their constant trips to the bathroom and vomit breath, I learned how to hide my compulsions to cut. From that day on, I would cut my stomach instead.

The same year that I graduated high school, my situation at home had also improved. I was attending a university where I no longer felt like an outcast. My self esteem had also greatly improved. For that whole year that I was in school, I didn’t cut myself.

When I didn’t return to school the following fall, I again, felt alone and isolated. Again, I found myself cutting. My younger sister had also begun doing the same thing, and I couldn’t help but to feel somewhat responsible for that.

I was in shock when my sister was taken to the hospital to be evaluated by the doctors for cutting herself since no one had even bothered to take my cutting problems seriously. I ended up cutting myself that day.

At 19, I experienced a traumatic event, and for months, I would cut myself daily. I also must’ve experienced some sort of psychosis because I began to hallucinate for some time afterwards. I began having violent outbreaks, including an incident were I attacked one of my aunts, who was mentally unstable at the time due to being prescribed Prozac which she more then likely didn’t need, physically, followed by more cutting.

Not a lot of people know this about me, but the third tattoo that I had done was related to the traumatic incident. I also pierced my nose in response to a broken heart. The most recent tattoo on my forearm was also in response to emotional feelings that I just didn’t know how to express.

I tend to downplay how hurt am I when someone has hurt me emotionally. I make it seem like it’s no big deal even if I feel like I’m dying inside. I do this because I don’t like the idea of people thinking I’m weak and/or vulnerable. It’s a coping mechanism I suppose.

I’ll be honest. The only reason that I stopped cutting myself was because, at this point, I have a lot to lose if I’m ever caught. Tattoos and piercing are socially acceptable which is why I’ve now moved on to this form of self mutilation. Of course tattoos are also a lot more expensive which is why I’ve only had three done for the purpose of self mutilation, one of which was self inflicted and I’ll be completely honest and tell you that although the home made tattoo is shitty quality, it was much more gratifying then the two I had done professionally. The nose piercing was also self inflicted.

I’m not mentally unstable. I just haven’t learned a healthy way to process and cope with my feelings. I’ve begun to chain smoke to replace my former ways of self mutilation. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to face my emotions like a normal person would because I just don’t know how to.

They say that some of the best psychologist are really screwed up in the head, so who knows. Maybe I will be able to put my degree to use after all.

Friday, September 28, 2007

Angry Girlfriends Guide to Safer Oral Sex

In a day and age where the internet has become the main tool for society to learn about a wide range of subjects from the new and latest technology, to celebrity gossip, it shocks me that still so many people seem unaware of the dangers of oral sex when the proper precautions aren’t taken.

Most people are well aware about the proper precautions when it comes to sexual intercourse and yet when it comes to oral sex, so many people seem to have this false sense of security that performing oral sex is safer then sexual intercourse.

As we all know, a woman cannot become pregnant from either giving nor receiving oral sex, and that may very well be, in part, the reason that so many have gained this false sense of security that oral sex is safer.

The threat of contracting an STI from oral sex is very much real though many people seem completely oblivious to this fact. Yes, it is true that you are less likely to contract an STI from oral sex then from vaginal intercourse, but the fact remains, that the risks are there.

During oral sex an STI can spread from the genital area to the mouth and vise versa. They pass between people through body fluid or through direct contact with skin or sores.

It is possible to contract gonorrhea, Chlamydia, or syphilis in your mouth and/or throat. Herpes is the most common STI contracted from unsafe practices of oral sex.

Sounds pretty ugly, doesn’t it?

So how do you protect yourself from contracting a STI and still be able to enjoy oral sex?

To protect yourself during the act of fellatio (blow job), it’s actually pretty simple. I’m sure you’ve all seen those flavored condoms while at the drug store and have probably wondered to yourself at some point or another, “What’s the deal with those flavored condoms? How would I taste them unless I put it in my mouth? Seems kinda pointless”.

I never did understand how some people could be so clueless about the purpose of flavored condoms. Flavored condoms were designed with the intent that you DO put them in your mouth… while giving your boyfriend head. It creates a barrier so that no bodily fluids are exchanged, thus helping to prevent the transmission of an STI from one partner to another.

Some men may claim that the act of oral sex doesn’t feel as good with a condom then oral sex without the use of a condom. Though using a condom to perform oral sex may decrease sensitivity to the penis, there are ways to make oral sex enjoyable with the use of a condom.

Simply apply a lubricant, such as KY Jelly or Astroglide, to the inside of the condom BEFORE placing the condom onto the penis. This is to simulate the feeling of saliva on the penis that would normally be felt during oral sex without a condom.

Because most men tend to be visually stimulated, seeing their partner performing oral sex on them will tend to get them off with or without a condom. Don’t listen to any excuses that using a condom during oral sex will prevent him from having an orgasm.

Moving on to cunnilingus…

To protect yourself during the act of cunnilingus (eating out), you have several options. Dental dams are usually recommended. Dental dams are a late barrier, but unfortunately can sometimes be very hard to find.

A second option, which is just as efficient, is a regular condom, cut in half. You would place this condom over the vulva and it would create a barrier between mouth to vagina contact.

A third, and final option, is plastic wrap, such as saran wrap. I know this may shock some people, but using saran wrap as a barrier to perform cunnilingus does really work. But you should remain cautious while using saran wrap since it can tear easily if punctured by a fingernail.

Just like with the men, rubbing a little lubricant on the side of the barrier that will be placed down on the vulva can stimulate the warm feeling of saliva that would be naturally felt if a barrier were not used.

Just like with sexual intercourse, oral sex can still be enjoyable with the use of condoms, dental dams, and saran wrap. Hopefully, this guide has inspired you to take a safer approach to oral sex.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Higher Education?

As most of you know, I recently earned my Associates of Arts degree in Psychology and even though I knew that more then likely I wouldn’t find a job that paid as high as someone with, lets say a Bachelors degree, I did expect to find a job that would pay more then a person with nothing but a High School education.

I am more then sorely disappointed. Not only has it been more then a month since my job search began, but I have come to find that not only do most employers discredit people with an just an A.A., they also pay a person with an A.A. the same, and some cases less, then a person with a high school diploma.

I have become disgusted and enraged with the whole job search process. Yesterday, I had an interview for a job that involved working with violent and troubled teens, which have no home and live in a college-dorm like facility. Let me first make it clear that I am not condemning this place or bashing it. It is a very nice facility and they do great work for all the children and teens that they house.

Now back to the matter at hand. I had an interview for a job and was explained that I would be working with four teenage girls who each varied between somewhat troubled to extremely troubled. I would be working part time, 33 hours a week and my schedule would be as follows:

Thursday 10:30 PM – Friday 8:30 AM
Friday 10:30 PM – Saturday 9:30 AM
Saturday 10:30 PM – Sunday 10:30 AM

I would have to submit to random drug and alcohol testing. Training would be a week long and would include CPR & First Aid training, 3 days of therapeutic crisis intervention verbal training, 1 day of therapeutic crisis intervention physical training. I was told that the physical training was considered a last resort but it was necessary “just in case”. I would also have to pay out of pocket to have my background checked through fingerprints and would have to pay for my own drug testing, which in all would cost me about $99.

I have to admit, I wasn’t exactly thrilled with the schedule, but the job position itself really excited me. I felt that I could really connect with these girls and make a difference. The job position had required that the applicant held an A.A. in psychology and I finally felt like I had found the job that would get me started on the path to my career.

As an added bonus, I would still receive health care benefits even though the position was part time, as well as paid leave. I would also be eligible for tuition reimbursement. Then came the part where we discussed how much I would actually be earning. The position was a salaried position, which I don’t really care for but that wouldn’t be a big issue so long as the salary was decent.

Once I heard how much the position was offered, I have to say, I was more then disappointed as well as disgusted and enraged. I would be getting paid a salary of $16,050 a year!

I was sitting there thinking to myself, “Are you fucking kidding me? Come the fuck on! This can’t be fucking serious”.

The interviewer then broke it down for me just in case I didn’t get it the first time. $16,050 would be the equivalent of making a little over $9 an hour.

He was probably better off not telling me that since it would’ve taken me a while to figure out the math anyways. But either way, I was already well aware that $16,050 a year was pretty shitty, even for a part time.

The interviewer then handed me a sheet that stated the salaries for what an employee who worker the job I had applied for full-time would make, as well as another position that required a Bachelors degree. Those salaries were $19,500 and $26,000 respectively. He then ended the interview by stating that I had the job, and would like to know when I could start.

I told him that I would get back to him on Friday because I had another interview to attend. He was fine with that and told me that he would be waiting for my call on Friday. I was lying my ass off, but I had to get out of there and think.

I couldn’t believe how low these salaries were, but I didn’t want to stay in his office any longer then I had to. I had to get the hell out of there. I had so many thoughts running through my head and I felt a major case of verbal diarrhea about to come up. So I thanked him for his time, and I told him that I’d get in touch with him as soon as I had made my decision, to which he replied, “I’m sure that I’ll be hearing from you then. We offer one of the best facilities in the area. Most facilities through their youths out once they’ve reach 18 years of age. We house them until they turn 21 and give them college prep”.

Right, cause that’s really what I’m interested in. You act as if I plan to become a resident at the facility. I got news for you. I’m not a troubled teen and it’s pretty irrelevant to me whether you house teens after they turn 18. Hell, they could live there till they were 35 for all I care!

Of course I didn’t say any of that, but I couldn’t help to think it. I left the building and headed to my car. Once I got in, I hauled ass out of that parking lot, cursing and screaming almost the whole 30 minute drive home.

“Nine fucking dollars an hour? I’ve made more then that working as a lifeguard! Nine dollars an hour and I have to take a physical training class ‘just in case’?! What the fuck are these people thinking?”

But how could I not be mad? Here I had busted my balls for two years in order to earn a higher degree thinking that it would open more doors for me and a chance to make more money, only to find out that I was all wrong. Not only were the job offers offering me less money that what I was making before I had earned my degree, but now I had to take classes in self defense “just in case” on top of it all.

Just in case what, exactly? Just in case the 4 violently aggressive teenage girls that I'm suppose to be caring for decide to gang up on me and kill me?

Oh but, its $9 an hour. It’s soooo totally worth putting my life on the line. After all, I will be receiving health care benefits so if these girls kick my ass, at least 80% of my medical bill is covered.

I had never intended to earn an Associates and then call it quits to begin with, but it just the fact that I naively believed that a two year degree was better then no degree at all and would help me for the time being to find a better paying job then having just a high school diploma.

Then I go to this job interview that stated that having an Associates degree was mandatory to even qualify for the job only to learn that I would be earning less money then I had made working as lifeguard which only requires you to be at least 16 years of age and have CPR & First Aid certifications.

I was making like $10 an hour and then and was certain then some sort of higher education would surely help me make more money. I was very, very wrong. So here I am feeling disgusted, disappointed, and highly frustrated.

I’m almost out of toilet paper and too broke to go buy anymore. Might as well go wipe my ass with my worthless diploma. What a fucking joke…

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Are We All Bi-Curious?

When the term bisexual comes to mind, the first thought for most people is usually that of a young woman who is just oozing with sexuality. Some people would even classify this kind of woman as being sexually overcharged.

But what would you think if I told you that all humans are bi-curious by nature? I think that most people would have a hard time excepting this theory and would become uncomfortable with just the thought alone that they themselves just may be bi-curious. Men especially would find this theory a little hard to swallow, no pun intended.

The fact remains that bisexuality is nothing new to modern society and has been practiced by ancient man.

It might shock some people to learn that in ancient Greece, same-sex relationships were mandatory for the Spartans between the younger boys and the adult men. This was deemed acceptable so long as the men eventually married and had children. The belief was that love and erotic relationships between the experienced soldiers and the rookie soldiers would create a stronger bond and that the soldiers would fight more fearlessly as they wanted to impress their lovers.

However, in today’s society, something like what occurred between the Spartans in ancient Greece would not be socially acceptable with modern man.

A man who engages in sexual acts with another man is quickly labeled as a homosexual, regardless of whether or not his sexual preference might lean more towards woman.

Woman, on the other hand, can engage in sexual relations with one another and not be automatically labeled as a lesbian. Most people would probably assume that the woman was “just being curious”.

I have come up with my own beliefs about bisexuality that I’m sure many people would disagree with. But it’s my theory, so what can you do?

My theory states that all humans on this earth exhibit some traits of bisexuality. That’s not to say that all people act on it. It’s just to say that the traits are there.

As children, we are curious about our bodies. It is this curiosity that often leads children as young as 4-years-old to explore their bisexuality among their peers, though this is more of a common occurrence between little girls then with little boys.

As adults, this trend continues. Women tend to be more open to the idea of experimenting with their bisexuality. It maybe due to the fact that woman have already become comfortable with this type of behavior from childhood. It could also have something to do with the fact that the behavior is more socially accepted by society. A woman, who is deemed bisexual, often becomes more desirable to men simply because most men have the ever recurring fantasy of being with two women at once.

Men however, tend to be classified as being homosexual if they even entertain the idea of experimenting with their bisexuality and are somewhat less desired by woman.

In a sense bisexuality may not even really exist. Most people who classify themselves as being bisexual will always have a stronger preference one way or the other, thus defining their sexual preference. But why do we feel the need to put people in one category or the other?

Simply stated: because it’s human nature to do so. Having labels such as “straight”, “gay” or “bi” lets others know what you prefer and whether or not it’s safe for them to approach you if they’re interested.

Bisexuality is the gray area of sexual orientation. Unlike being gay or straight, who have a sexual preference one way or the other, a bisexual can opt to go either way, which tends to confuse most people.

Alfred Kinsey, who was the founder of what is now referred to as “sexology”, developed the Kinsey Scale which was designed as an attempt to measure sexual orientation.

This is a copy of the scale:
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Because most straight women have a tendency to experiment with their bisexuality, they would be scored as either a 1 or 2, according to the scale. On the other hand, most straight men would score a 0 since they are less likely to toy around with their sexuality.

I, myself, would score about a 2 based on the Kinsey Scale. (Don’t act surprised. Most women you know are probably the same way. They just don’t admit to it. It is completely sexually healthy to have the occasional roll-in-the-hay with a member of the same sex. Besides, for a straight woman, it’s the loophole to cheating).

Although most men would score a 0, according to the Kinsey Scale, it is my belief that straight men who are too worried to experiment physically with their bisexuality due to society standards, still find other ways to explore their bisexual side.

It is my belief that movies, such as Troy, Alexander, and the more recent 300, are all homoerotic movies created by men for men to serve the purpose of allowing straight men to safely somewhat indulge in their bi-curiosity without fear of being chastised or being labeled a homosexual, and all under the guise of the movie being labeled a War movie.

Straight men also tend to push their women partners into anal sex as a way to experiment with their bi-curiousness. Society does not considered this to be homosexual behavior since the men are penetrating a woman’s anus as opposed to a mans anus, though it is really all the same.

The fact remains that whether you choose to admit to it or not, the human species, by nature, is bi-curious. There are many who may never act out on their curiosity, but the thoughts in their mind will always exist even if they never share it with another sole on this earth.

Like it or not, we are all bi-curious.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Is Your Life Book Worthy?

There was a time when only the most notable people in the world and throughout history would be privileged enough to have a book written and published about their lives. These people were people who, in one way or another, made a big social impact that influenced humanity, a nation and sometimes, even the world, though not always for the better of mankind. Certain people who come to mind are Martin Luther King, Jr., John F. Kennedy, Jesus, Mother Theresa, Winston Churchill, Socrates, and yes, even Hitler.

Nowadays, even the most average of average Joes can have a book written and published. It’s pretty senseless in my opinion. After all, even a person who has lived the most mundane and boring life can have a best seller with a lot of exaggerating and good editing.

I think we all know the recipe to make a best seller: lots of sex and lots of drama. We as human beings seem to take pleasure in knowing that other people have had it worse then us. We’re all somewhat of a sadist, though most people wouldn’t want to admit that they really do enjoy reading and hearing about the misery and suffering that others have endured in their lifetime.

But it’s true. Why else would the autobiography books written by some unknown person that no one knows or cares about but includes such topics as incest, rape, violent murders, sexual escapades, and all the other most gruesome things that life has to offer make the best sellers list, while books about religion, science and other such things written by known religious leaders, well-known scientist, etc., are often walked right pass without as much as a second glance?

We, as humans, don’t care to hear about the good in humanity. What peaks our interest are all the sexual, dark and morbid things that life has to offer. That’s what makes a best seller.

We don’t care about the prodigy child that so brilliant, she speaks 5 languages fluently, manages to graduate from Harvard University at 14-years-old and graduated law school at 16, and actually waits until she is married to lose her virginity.

We want to read about the woman who, as a child, was molested by her cousin at the age of 8. By 12 was addicted to cocaine. At 14 was a full blown heroin addict and had given birth to her 1st child. Started turning tricks at 15, and was still turning tricks and pregnant with her 2nd child at 16. At 18, she’s brutally raped and severely beaten by a john and is pregnant yet again. Then suddenly, she has some sort of life altering experience that more then likely was all a mere hallucination caused by all the drugs she’s consumed over her life time, at 21.

She finally gets a legitimate job that pays minimum wage and has come off the drugs, and is now fighting the state for custody of her now 4 kids that she lost sometime between turning tricks and the life altering experience. She’s enrolled in college and has dedicated herself to becoming a lawyer. She manages to get her kids back, get her law degree and finally becomes a successful person and is very well-off by the time she’s 33. Then one night when she’s 45, her house is broken into in the middle of the night. She is raped, tortured, and the house is set on fire with her and her 4 children all inside, bound and gagged. They all parish in the fire, but the story, if told, would make an instant best seller.

So now think to yourself. In all honesty, if you could write a book about yourself without any exaggerations, do you really think that your life is book worthy? Have you really suffered that much in your lifetime that others may actually give a shit enough to pick up a copy of your book and read what you’ve been through? I think the answer to this is question for most people would be simple: NO.

No matter how bad you think you’ve had it, chances are that someone else has been through all you’ve been through and worse. The only reason you think its book worthy is because it happened to you. I hate to tell you, but you’re no more interesting the rest of us, so get over yourself and move on. Unless your life was truly extraordinary and not your run-of-the-mill sob story and you actually did have to overcome more obstacles then most without exaggeration, we don’t care do read your life story.

Angry Girlfriend: The Untold Story
“I think that most people think that their lives are book worthy. Myself included! But let me tell you why mine would actually sell: Lots of sex! My book would have stories of strippers, cross dressing prostitutes, lots of drugs and booze, lesbians, wild fantasies being played out with a phone sex operator, and lots of wild, kinky sex stories. The best part is, all the stories would be real. Nothing would be exaggerated! All true stories of things that I've lived through. Still not sold? Oh well, fuck it! I tried!”

Soraya – In response to the question “Do you think your life would be book worthy?”

Friday, September 21, 2007

Say What You Want

It’s inevitable that not everyone will get along. But what do you do when you’re disliked simply for being the person who you are?

I don’t mean that you’re a bad person by nature, rather I’m referring to those of us who are sometimes just to blunt or honest for the comfort of most.

Chances are, if you’re anything like me, you may say, “to hell with it”, or my personal favorite, “if you don’t like it, then go fuck yourself”, and move on. I tend to be the kind of person who finds humor when a person dislikes me, especially when they go through extreme measures to show their dislike towards me.

There’s no point in dwelling over people who talk shit about you. Hey, if its not you their taking shit about, it’s bound to be someone else. It’s one of those bad qualities with being human, but I guess it comes with the territory.

But you know what? Life is too short to worry about what others might be thinking or saying about you, and there’s not much you can do to change a persons opinion once they’ve decided that they don’t care for your way of being.

On that note, I say fuck it. Just let them say what they want. In the end, you know that you’re probably a better person then them anyways, so it really doesn’t matter.

If they don’t like you, it’s probably just because they’re intimidated, jealous, or just wish that they could posses that certain quality that makes you stand out in eyes of others.

Regardless of the shit people say, you should always stay true to who you really are, and just enjoy yourself and enjoy life in general.

The Importance of Masturbation

Masturbation has always been a subject that people find uncomfortable. Generally speaking, I believe that this is because people feel ashamed in admitting that they actually took the time to sexually pleasure themselves. There are also some people who find it uncomfortable because as children, they were taught that masturbation was shameful and dirty.

Masturbation should not be considered shameful or dirty, rather it should be taught as a part of normal human sexuality.

Some people might be shocked to learn that children as young as 2-years-old begin to experiment with masturbation. They might not realize what they are doing at the moment, but they know that it makes them feel good which is why they continue to do it. That is until the parent catches onto the behavior and reprimands them for doing it.

This is a bad approach since by reprimanding the child it will only teach them to be ashamed and uncomfortable of their bodies. It is better to explain to the child that that kind of behavior should only be done in the privacy of their bedrooms as opposed to them doing it in public.

This way, they won’t feel ashamed of themselves, and will know that it is okay as long as it’s done in private.

The first time I can recall masturbating was when I was about 3-years-old. I remember grinding with my cabbage patch and how good it felt. I did this pretty often and it was all innocent. I really didn’t have much of a concept about sexual intercourse. At that age, you don’t really think that way. I was just exploring the tingly feeling that I had down there.

To this day, I don’t see any shame in masturbation. It’s safe, fun and educational.

It’s safe because there are no risks of pregnancy or STD’s and as a bonus, if you happen to get drunk and masturbate, there’s no morning after regrets about who you slept with. Don’t believe that old wives tale. Believe me; you won’t go blind from frequent masturbation. If that were true, I would’ve been blind years ago and I still have 20/20 vision.

It’s fun because you can always guarantee yourself an orgasm, unlike your boyfriend, husband, or that guy you met at the bar last night. Enough said.

Most importantly it’s educational since you’re not only learning your sexual likes and dislikes, but you’re also teaching yourself how to climax, which believe it or not, quite a few woman don’t know how to do.

There are a lot of woman out there who are uncomfortable at the thought, let alone at the actual act of masturbating. For all of those women who feel or think this way I would say, “How can you possibly expect for a man to give you an orgasm if you can’t even give yourself and orgasm?”

Just think about it.

It would put quite a damper on your sex life if you had to fake an orgasm every time you had sex. Sex might feel good without an orgasm, but it’s great with an orgasm. Granted you’d never know what you’re missing if you never had it, but why wouldn’t you want to do something that could make something else even better?

For those women out there who have been contemplating masturbation but haven’t quite worked up the nerve to actually do it, I’d say go for it. After all, what do have to lose?

For those women who are inexperienced at masturbating, I would suggest learning how to climax by hand first before moving onto the toys. This is because it’s a lot harder to learn how to masturbate by hand after using toys to do the job. You tend to become dependant of the toys and won’t learn anything this way. Remember that the whole purpose for masturbation is to learn how to achieve an orgasm by yourself.

Unlike men who are visually stimulated, woman can usually imagine a scenario that will get them off. That’s not to day that men can’t do the same, but they tend to be more visually stimulated by nature and will take longer to climax without the help of a visual aide.

Use any fantasy that you might have (and don’t say you don’t have one because we all do), go lie down and let your imagination and fingers do the work. Stimulation to the clitoris is key to achieving an orgasm. A very common method for masturbation is the “Stop and Go”, which men tend to do frequently. The “Stop and Go” is when you begin to masturbate and when you feel close to orgasm, you stop for a little while, then resume once again. For men, this serves two purposes:

1. It allows them to learn how to control their penis from reaching orgasm/ejaculation too quickly.

2. It makes the orgasm even stronger which in turn enhances the pleasure.

As woman, there’s no such thing as reaching an orgasm to quick (you got to love that part of the double standard), therefore only reason number two of the “Stop and Go” applies to us.

Once you get comfortable with masturbating by hand, then you can move on to the toys. They’re lots of fun and can help give your orgasm a kick by intensifying them, as well as letting you feel different types of orgasms.

For those of you who don’t know, all orgasms are not alike. Orgasms by oral sex feel different than orgasms from intercourse, etc.

Still not convinced that you should masturbate?

Here’s something I’m sure a lot of people don’t know: As I stated in “Here I Cum”, only a reported 30% of woman can achieve orgasm from penetration alone, and I’m damn near certain that the number is much lower then that. Meaning that the only way a woman can reach orgasm is by stimulating the clitoris either by doing it herself or having her partner do it.

Here’s the thing: Masturbation increases fertility. Sound crazy? Let me explain. A female orgasm serves two purposes, not including pleasure:

1. When a female has an orgasm, the conditions of her vagina and cervix change making it more favorable for implantation to occur during intercourse.

2. During an orgasm, the female’s lower pelvis region begins to contract, thus pulling the sperm towards the cervix which, once again, leads to a higher chance of becoming pregnant.

So if you’re a woman who is trying to become pregnant, then you might want to start exercising your hand on your clitoris.

As you can see, masturbation serves more purposes then you were probably even aware of. The bottom line is, no matter how you word it: Masturbation is Fundamental. So go out and masturbate today!

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Nigerian 419 Scam

In response to my posting on, I received quite a few interesting “job offers”.

This is one of the emails I received:
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Notice how unprofessional the email is. I would think that if this was a legit opportunity that the email would have been a lot more formal, don’t you think? Also notice how he writes. It’s pretty obvious to me that English is not his native language. I don’t know about you, but I smell a scam.

No matter. I decided to write back to the scammer anyways. I like pissing them off:
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Maybe some of you aren’t familiar with the Nigerian 419 scam, so I guess I should fill you in. The Nigerian 419 scam, also known as “Advance fee fraud” tries to target victims living in the U.S. by trying to convince the potential victim that the scammer is a legit business man who needs help transferring money and/or goods from the U.S. to another country.

The scammer will often claim that they live in the U.K., Canada, Paris or some other country that the potential victim thinks is “safe”. They also lie about their location so that they potential victim won’t question why the scammer can’t send the money and/or goods themselves. (Think about it. How much sense would it make for a person who lives in the U.S. to ask another person living in the U.S. to send goods to another country?)

They will always ask that any money they ask you to transfer is sent through Western Union. I know what you’re thinking: why would anyone send money to some stranger in a foreign country?

Well this is because the scammer will always lead you to believe that this is a legit business deal and will convince the potential victim that the payout at the end of the transaction is way more then the mere thousands that they ask you to send. They will also claim that some of these “fees” are to cover legal documents that are standard in these proceedings.

There are a lot of different variants to this scam. It ranges from emails for a work-at-home opportunity, lottery scams, emails claiming that you are the next of kin of some person you’ve never heard of but has left you an excessively large inheritance, romance scams, the list goes on and on.

I get a ton of these types of emails on a daily basis. Luckily they usually go straight to my spam folder and don’t take up space in my inbox.

Be sure to never respond to these types of emails. Some of these guys can be pretty convincing from what I’ve heard.

Just remember the general rule: If it seems too good to be true… it probably is…

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Why I Hate Dr. Phil and Oprah

Dr. Phil and Oprah have to be 2 of the worse talk shows to ever to hit the airwaves. I’m not referring to the old Oprah shows, those were pretty good. It’s the new Oprah shows that I can’t stand. Dr. Phil, on the other hand, has pretty much always sucked.

Even though I really don’t care for Dr. Phil's show, I have to admit that Dr. Phil has made some of the greatest talk show commercials that I’ve seen to entice the viewers at home to “Tune in next time, on the next Dr. Phil”. But then again, he is a psychologist so it’s not really that surprising. I’m sure he knows exactly how to have a show edited so that in the commercials it looks intriguing and interesting enough that a viewer will want to tune in, even if we don’t like him or his show. I personally think that he’s a shitty talk show psychologist. But hey, I guess you can’t win them all.

I don’t know if I’m the only who’s noticed that Dr. Phil’s show is filled with more commercials breaks in one hour then most T.V. movies have in 2 hours. Not to mention that the show never really seems to progress.

It usually goes something like this:

Dr. Phil: Let’s meet Dick who’s been having an ongoing affair with his wife’s 19-year-old sister, and his wife, Jane. Now Dick, tell me how this affair with your wife’s sister started.

Dick: Well my wife’s sister moved in with us last year, and one day we were both home alone together, and I dunno. One thing led to another…

Dr. Phil: So you’re telling me that you thought it was okay to sleep with you wife’s sister simply because the two of you were home alone together?

Dick: Ummm, no Dr. Phil. I’m just saying that I made a mistake and I wasn’t thinking I guess.

Dr. Phil: Now I maybe a country boy, but that sounds like a whole lotta horse manure to me. I gotta go to commercial, but we’re gonna get to the bottom of this… When we come back.

This basically goes on throughout the show. It’s all pretty repetitive and nothing ever progresses. Now I know that most of these people on the show can't have their life problems solved in one hour, though with all the commercial breaks I’d say that the shows running time is more likely closer to 30-40 minutes, but come on.

You hooked me with the commercial and now I’m watching the show and I get no more information about the people on the show or their problem then what I already saw on the commercial.

Dr. Phil, get your shit together. I’m a little more then annoyed with your show right about now. You’re wife is pretty hot. Too hot for you if you ask me, which leads me to believe that you may actually know a thing or two about psychology if you’ve been able to keep her around as long as you have. Plus, as I already mentioned, the commercials are fantastic. You’ve got potential, that’s for sure. Interesting story lines and great commercials. The problem is you! You suck as a host. If you say you’re going get to the bottom of it, then please, by all means, GET TO THE BOTTOM OF IT! This is why we watch. To see you get to the bottom of it. So get to the bottom of it or get off the air. Stop misleading the public.

Now, onto Oprah. I haven’t always had a problem with Oprah. She was actually pretty good at one time. But this new Oprah who’s been hosting since the late 90’s I think, well I’ll put it frankly; she sucks ass.

I guess I shouldn’t be so surprised that Dr. Phil sucks ass since it was Oprah who put his ass on the air to begin with. Apple don’t fall too far from the tree, if you know what I mean.

What pisses me off about Oprah is that she always finds a way to turn any one of her shows, regardless of subject matter, and finds a way to incorporate some story about herself and how horrible her childhood was or some other life altering story.

A typical Oprah show usually goes down like this:

Oprah: Now let’s welcome Sue onto the show. Sue was sexually molested by an uncle at 13 and found herself pregnant by this same uncle and kicked out of her home. So, Sue. Tell me about what happened.

Sue: Well I was very close to my uncle from the time I was very young and he had never tried to do anything to me before. Then during the summer when I was 13, we were out swimming in the back yard while my mom was at work and he started to touch my breast and...

Oprah: You felt ashamed and helpless, didn’t you?

Sue: Well I was surprised at first, but…

Oprah: You know the thing is, I was molested by an uncle at a very young age and I remember feeling so hopeless and ashamed. I’m sure that you didn’t tell anyone right away, did you?

Sue: No, I didn’t, but…

Oprah: Cause you know I didn’t tell anyone in my family for a long time. It was when I was writing my first book as an adult that I realized that I needed to share this horrible secret with my family. So tell me about finding out that you were pregnant by your uncle.

Sue: Well, it was about 3 months after he had molested me, and I wasn’t really feeling well…

Oprah: Yes, I’m sure. Very tragic. You know the thing is, I found myself pregnant at a young age, too. I was about 14 years-old. The molestation had made me rebel and subsequently I became very promiscuous. It was very hard on me, you know? That was a very bad time in my life. Well that’s all we have time for today. On tomorrows show, Toilet Paper. What’s the right way to hang it? Over or under? I prefer it over, but we’ll get to the tomorrow. Be sure to buy a copy of my magazine. Guess who’s on the cover this month? No, it’s not Tyra Banks. It’s me!

Are you beginning to understand why I can’t stand her talk show? I mean, damn I know it’s the Oprah show, but last time I checked the show wasn’t suppose to be all about Oprah.

I don’t know if Oprah knows this or not, so maybe someone should tell her. Might as well be me…

Hey, Oprah! Guess what? You’re a fucking celebrity! We already know all your dirty laundry. Not to mention that you did write a tell-all book. You don’t need to keep talking about yourself on every episode of your show. We don’t need to know anymore about your fucked up childhood or how you became a whore at 12-years-old or that your 20 year relationship with Stedman is on the rocks... yet again. Be the host of your show and let your guest actually get a word in from time to time without interrupting them by adding your own personally feelings about how it felt when you were in their situation. You CAN’T host the show AND be the guest.

Oh how I long for the talk shows that actually mean something, like the Maury show for example. Four out of five days of the week, we know that Maury is going to have paternity test shows. The fifth day of the week is either going to be “Cheating Lovers”, “Is it a Man or Woman?”, “Odd Couples”, “Violent Teens”, “Overweight Babies”, or “Exotic Animals with Jack Hannah”

I love those paternity test shows. Now that’s what a talk show is supposed to be about: DRAMA!

The minute the girl on stage declares to the guy, “I’m 1000% sure that you’re my baby daddy”, I’m 10,000% sure that he ISN’T.

You’ve got one girl who’s slept with 10 guys and I think we all know by now that none of the 10 guys on that stage is going to be the baby’s daddy. NEXT!

She comes back on the show 5 more times for a grand total of 32 men having been tested for the paternity of her child, when it’s all said and done. Turns out the baby daddy was her own half-brother that she had no idea even existed, but had met and had sex with him one night at a party cause she was so wasted. *GASP*

“Oh my God! You’re my baby daddy and my half-brother?! NO, NO, NO!”, she screams.

Then she runs off stage, crying hysterically and throws herself onto the floor backstage, while Maury tries to console her and offer her words of wisdom of some sort.

Now that’s a good talk show…

And you are… NOT THE FATHER!