Beware of Dora the Explorer

One day, I’m talking to my sister on the phone and she randomly blurted out that she thinks her 3-year-old daughter would try to kill her if Dora the Explorer told her to do it. My sister is so fucking hilarious. I love that bitch. Who the hell else could come up with that shit? This has to be one of the most randomness things that my sister has ever blurted out, but it made me stop and think.

I think that she may actually be right. I started to take notice as my own son would repeat things that Dora would say just because she would tell the kids to repeat after her. She would ask him questions and he would respond to her. If Dora told him to put his hands up in the air and count to 3, he would do it.

I realized at that moment that Dora was actually more dangerous then I had originally assumed her to be. The control that Dora has over my son, as well as all the other kids his age, can only be described as those of a cult leader. Dora has my son, and all the other kids, completely brainwashed.

As if Dora wasn’t dangerous enough, her cousin Diego, is also someone to watch out for. My kid jumped off the couch while making noises like “Baby Jaguar” because he thought that he was jumping over a river to rescue a chinchilla or a red eye tree frog, or whatever the hell animal it was, all because Diego encouraged him to “follow me”. Scary, ain’t it?

And it’s not just Dora and Diego. Blue’s Clues and Yo! Gabba Gabba also breaks the “fourth wall” by engaging in conversation with the audience, but I think that Dora is by far the most dangerous one of them all.

Don’t laugh. I’m being serious. Just cause that bitch, Dora looks all sweet and innocent, don’t mean that she’s not really planning some kind of evil attack with her evil purple monkey, Boots.

Looks can be deceiving. Dora is jealous of kids with families because her life is so miserable. The cheeriness is all just a front. Her parents consistently neglect her and recently even dumped the responsibility of her infant twin brother and sister on her. Her best friend is a monkey and she’s left all day to run around in the woods all by herself.

There was one episode where she was in the middle of the woods and was trying to find her way home. This lead me to believe that perhaps it is her parents who leave her in the middle of the woods everyday, in hopes that she might get lost and not find her way back, though Dora herself seems completely oblivious to the fact that her parents are trying to get rid of her.

I believe that the minute Dora finally figures it all out she will use the kids to exact her revenge on her family and will possibly have the kids act out on their own families. She may seem harmless, but remember, Dora has spent her whole childhood lost in the woods and she talks to animals as well as to inanimate objects (Backpack and The Map). She is constantly being chased down by a fox who seems to be a kleptomaniac. Actually, the more I think about it, the more I’m starting to realize that Dora is starting to sound like a schizophrenic. Someone needs to put this kid on some Stelazine.

The bottom line is that under no circumstances should any child be left unattended with Dora talking to them on T.V. The bitch may seem harmless now, but if your kid turns against you one day for some unknown reason, you can’t say that you weren’t warned.

Why I Hate Dr. Phil and Oprah

Dr. Phil and Oprah have to be 2 of the worse talk shows to ever to hit the airwaves. I’m not referring to the old Oprah shows, those were pretty good. It’s the new Oprah shows that I can’t stand. Dr. Phil, on the other hand, has pretty much always sucked.

Even though I really don’t care for Dr. Phil's show, I have to admit that Dr. Phil has made some of the greatest talk show commercials that I’ve seen to entice the viewers at home to “Tune in next time, on the next Dr. Phil”. But then again, he is a psychologist so it’s not really that surprising. I’m sure he knows exactly how to have a show edited so that in the commercials it looks intriguing and interesting enough that a viewer will want to tune in, even if we don’t like him or his show. I personally think that he’s a shitty talk show psychologist. But hey, I guess you can’t win them all.

I don’t know if I’m the only who’s noticed that Dr. Phil’s show is filled with more commercials breaks in one hour then most T.V. movies have in 2 hours. Not to mention that the show never really seems to progress.

It usually goes something like this:

Dr. Phil: Let’s meet Dick who’s been having an ongoing affair with his wife’s 19-year-old sister, and his wife, Jane. Now Dick, tell me how this affair with your wife’s sister started.

Dick: Well my wife’s sister moved in with us last year, and one day we were both home alone together, and I dunno. One thing led to another…

Dr. Phil: So you’re telling me that you thought it was okay to sleep with you wife’s sister simply because the two of you were home alone together?

Dick: Ummm, no Dr. Phil. I’m just saying that I made a mistake and I wasn’t thinking I guess.

Dr. Phil: Now I maybe a country boy, but that sounds like a whole lotta horse manure to me. I gotta go to commercial, but we’re gonna get to the bottom of this… When we come back.

This basically goes on throughout the show. It’s all pretty repetitive and nothing ever progresses. Now I know that most of these people on the show can't have their life problems solved in one hour, though with all the commercial breaks I’d say that the shows running time is more likely closer to 30-40 minutes, but come on.

You hooked me with the commercial and now I’m watching the show and I get no more information about the people on the show or their problem then what I already saw on the commercial.

Dr. Phil, get your shit together. I’m a little more then annoyed with your show right about now. You’re wife is pretty hot. Too hot for you if you ask me, which leads me to believe that you may actually know a thing or two about psychology if you’ve been able to keep her around as long as you have. Plus, as I already mentioned, the commercials are fantastic. You’ve got potential, that’s for sure. Interesting story lines and great commercials. The problem is you! You suck as a host. If you say you’re going get to the bottom of it, then please, by all means, GET TO THE BOTTOM OF IT! This is why we watch. To see you get to the bottom of it. So get to the bottom of it or get off the air. Stop misleading the public.

Now, onto Oprah. I haven’t always had a problem with Oprah. She was actually pretty good at one time. But this new Oprah who’s been hosting since the late 90’s I think, well I’ll put it frankly; she sucks ass.

I guess I shouldn’t be so surprised that Dr. Phil sucks ass since it was Oprah who put his ass on the air to begin with. Apple don’t fall too far from the tree, if you know what I mean.

What pisses me off about Oprah is that she always finds a way to turn any one of her shows, regardless of subject matter, and finds a way to incorporate some story about herself and how horrible her childhood was or some other life altering story.

A typical Oprah show usually goes down like this:

Oprah: Now let’s welcome Sue onto the show. Sue was sexually molested by an uncle at 13 and found herself pregnant by this same uncle and kicked out of her home. So, Sue. Tell me about what happened.

Sue: Well I was very close to my uncle from the time I was very young and he had never tried to do anything to me before. Then during the summer when I was 13, we were out swimming in the back yard while my mom was at work and he started to touch my breast and...

Oprah: You felt ashamed and helpless, didn’t you?

Sue: Well I was surprised at first, but…

Oprah: You know the thing is, I was molested by an uncle at a very young age and I remember feeling so hopeless and ashamed. I’m sure that you didn’t tell anyone right away, did you?

Sue: No, I didn’t, but…

Oprah: Cause you know I didn’t tell anyone in my family for a long time. It was when I was writing my first book as an adult that I realized that I needed to share this horrible secret with my family. So tell me about finding out that you were pregnant by your uncle.

Sue: Well, it was about 3 months after he had molested me, and I wasn’t really feeling well…

Oprah: Yes, I’m sure. Very tragic. You know the thing is, I found myself pregnant at a young age, too. I was about 14 years-old. The molestation had made me rebel and subsequently I became very promiscuous. It was very hard on me, you know? That was a very bad time in my life. Well that’s all we have time for today. On tomorrows show, Toilet Paper. What’s the right way to hang it? Over or under? I prefer it over, but we’ll get to the tomorrow. Be sure to buy a copy of my magazine. Guess who’s on the cover this month? No, it’s not Tyra Banks. It’s me!

Are you beginning to understand why I can’t stand her talk show? I mean, damn I know it’s the Oprah show, but last time I checked the show wasn’t suppose to be all about Oprah.

I don’t know if Oprah knows this or not, so maybe someone should tell her. Might as well be me…

Hey, Oprah! Guess what? You’re a fucking celebrity! We already know all your dirty laundry. Not to mention that you did write a tell-all book. You don’t need to keep talking about yourself on every episode of your show. We don’t need to know anymore about your fucked up childhood or how you became a whore at 12-years-old or that your 20 year relationship with Stedman is on the rocks... yet again. Be the host of your show and let your guest actually get a word in from time to time without interrupting them by adding your own personally feelings about how it felt when you were in their situation. You CAN’T host the show AND be the guest.

Oh how I long for the talk shows that actually mean something, like the Maury show for example. Four out of five days of the week, we know that Maury is going to have paternity test shows. The fifth day of the week is either going to be “Cheating Lovers”, “Is it a Man or Woman?”, “Odd Couples”, “Violent Teens”, “Overweight Babies”, or “Exotic Animals with Jack Hannah”

I love those paternity test shows. Now that’s what a talk show is supposed to be about: DRAMA!

The minute the girl on stage declares to the guy, “I’m 1000% sure that you’re my baby daddy”, I’m 10,000% sure that he ISN’T.

You’ve got one girl who’s slept with 10 guys and I think we all know by now that none of the 10 guys on that stage is going to be the baby’s daddy. NEXT!

She comes back on the show 5 more times for a grand total of 32 men having been tested for the paternity of her child, when it’s all said and done. Turns out the baby daddy was her own half-brother that she had no idea even existed, but had met and had sex with him one night at a party cause she was so wasted. *GASP*

“Oh my God! You’re my baby daddy and my half-brother?! NO, NO, NO!”, she screams.

Then she runs off stage, crying hysterically and throws herself onto the floor backstage, while Maury tries to console her and offer her words of wisdom of some sort.

Now that’s a good talk show…

And you are… NOT THE FATHER!