The Wondrous Vulva Puppet

Recently on The Tyra Banks Show, there was a segment which featured “The Wondrous Vulva Puppet”.

Apparently this puppet was designed for women who seem to have some sort of self-loathing towards their vulva, or so was my idea of what purpose this puppet served. As a proud owner of a vulva, I have to admit that this has to be one of the most ridiculous inventions ever to be created. Especially since the price to buy one of these Vulva Puppets is $125.

I happen to love my vulva very much, but I just can’t imagine the idea of spending $125 on a Vulva Puppet that in no way shows the true the beauty of a vulva. I don't know why they refer to this thing as being "Wondrous". I don't see anything wondrous about it at all. I'm actually a little shocked and somewhat amused at the idea that there are actually people out there wasting their money on this thing.

I’d be open to a Vulva Puppet if it actually resembled a real vulva because then I could actually believe that it would serve some sort of purpose.

Dr. Debbie, who was a featured guess on the Tyra Banks Show and a spokesperson for “The Wondrous Vulva Puppet” said on the show about the Vulva Puppet, “It’s a little silly because of course we don’t really have velvet and satin and little flowers down there, so when you do look down there, you know don’t be surprised if you don’t find this”.

To which Tyra replied, “I’m so happy that you have this because it, really, it makes it cute and sweet and not scary. It’s like a stuff animal”.

I’m assuming that Tyra must loath her vulva if she thinks it’s scary.

As Dr. Debbie pointed out the urethra (you may not know it by name, but this is the mysterious “third hole” I’m sure most of you have heard about, where your urine comes out of), Tyra stated to Dr. Debbie, “Dr. Debbie so many woman think that you pee and have a baby from the same hole.”

Truth be known, I do believe that their may be a lot of woman out there that do lack basic knowledge about their vulvas, but I don’t think that Tyra is giving the majority of us who know better, credit.

I think a more accurate statement would have been that Tyra thought that you pee and have a baby from the same hole.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for sex education, especially for woman. I just don’t agree that dressing up a vulva in velvet and sewing a flower where the clitoris should be is really useful since a real vagina looks nothing like that.

If the purpose of this Vulva Puppet was to make woman want to embrace their vulva’s and not feel shame, then why not create a more accurate Vulva Puppet? One that shows what a real vulva looks like in all its glory.

The only way that a self-conscious woman will be able to really embrace her vulva is if she has a more accurate depiction of what a real vulva looks like and not some vulva that looks like a deformed, fluffy, stuffed animal.


Image from The Wondrous Vulva Puppet

The truth is our vulvas are not scary. They are beautiful just as they are, but by creating this Vulva Puppet to make it look “pretty”, I think that they may make already self-conscious women even more self-conscious about their vulvas and unconsciously these women may actually start to believe that their vulvas are scary and ugly.

To all the women who may be reading this: If you haven’t gotten in touch with your vulva, I suggest you do so. Just like penises come in all different colors and sizes and curves, our vulvas come in a variety of colors, shapes, and sizes. You don’t have to spend $125 on a vulva that is dressed to be pretty, when you own a vulva that is just as accurate as any other vulva out there.

The key to really learning to love your vulva is to embrace it for all it’s worth, not by buying one of these silly little puppets that in Tyra’s words, “makes it cute and sweet and not scary”. A real vulva is cute and sweet. There’s no need for this velvety, silky, satin, flowery vulva because a real vulva looks and feels nothing that.

Embrace your vulvas for how they really are. The real vulva is so much better then the sugar coded version. There is nothing more empowering for a woman then the ability to love, embrace, and speak openly, without shame about her vulva.

Wondrous Vulva Puppet, my ass.

Why I Hate Dr. Phil and Oprah

Dr. Phil and Oprah have to be 2 of the worse talk shows to ever to hit the airwaves. I’m not referring to the old Oprah shows, those were pretty good. It’s the new Oprah shows that I can’t stand. Dr. Phil, on the other hand, has pretty much always sucked.

Even though I really don’t care for Dr. Phil's show, I have to admit that Dr. Phil has made some of the greatest talk show commercials that I’ve seen to entice the viewers at home to “Tune in next time, on the next Dr. Phil”. But then again, he is a psychologist so it’s not really that surprising. I’m sure he knows exactly how to have a show edited so that in the commercials it looks intriguing and interesting enough that a viewer will want to tune in, even if we don’t like him or his show. I personally think that he’s a shitty talk show psychologist. But hey, I guess you can’t win them all.

I don’t know if I’m the only who’s noticed that Dr. Phil’s show is filled with more commercials breaks in one hour then most T.V. movies have in 2 hours. Not to mention that the show never really seems to progress.

It usually goes something like this:

Dr. Phil: Let’s meet Dick who’s been having an ongoing affair with his wife’s 19-year-old sister, and his wife, Jane. Now Dick, tell me how this affair with your wife’s sister started.

Dick: Well my wife’s sister moved in with us last year, and one day we were both home alone together, and I dunno. One thing led to another…

Dr. Phil: So you’re telling me that you thought it was okay to sleep with you wife’s sister simply because the two of you were home alone together?

Dick: Ummm, no Dr. Phil. I’m just saying that I made a mistake and I wasn’t thinking I guess.

Dr. Phil: Now I maybe a country boy, but that sounds like a whole lotta horse manure to me. I gotta go to commercial, but we’re gonna get to the bottom of this… When we come back.

This basically goes on throughout the show. It’s all pretty repetitive and nothing ever progresses. Now I know that most of these people on the show can't have their life problems solved in one hour, though with all the commercial breaks I’d say that the shows running time is more likely closer to 30-40 minutes, but come on.

You hooked me with the commercial and now I’m watching the show and I get no more information about the people on the show or their problem then what I already saw on the commercial.

Dr. Phil, get your shit together. I’m a little more then annoyed with your show right about now. You’re wife is pretty hot. Too hot for you if you ask me, which leads me to believe that you may actually know a thing or two about psychology if you’ve been able to keep her around as long as you have. Plus, as I already mentioned, the commercials are fantastic. You’ve got potential, that’s for sure. Interesting story lines and great commercials. The problem is you! You suck as a host. If you say you’re going get to the bottom of it, then please, by all means, GET TO THE BOTTOM OF IT! This is why we watch. To see you get to the bottom of it. So get to the bottom of it or get off the air. Stop misleading the public.

Now, onto Oprah. I haven’t always had a problem with Oprah. She was actually pretty good at one time. But this new Oprah who’s been hosting since the late 90’s I think, well I’ll put it frankly; she sucks ass.

I guess I shouldn’t be so surprised that Dr. Phil sucks ass since it was Oprah who put his ass on the air to begin with. Apple don’t fall too far from the tree, if you know what I mean.

What pisses me off about Oprah is that she always finds a way to turn any one of her shows, regardless of subject matter, and finds a way to incorporate some story about herself and how horrible her childhood was or some other life altering story.

A typical Oprah show usually goes down like this:

Oprah: Now let’s welcome Sue onto the show. Sue was sexually molested by an uncle at 13 and found herself pregnant by this same uncle and kicked out of her home. So, Sue. Tell me about what happened.

Sue: Well I was very close to my uncle from the time I was very young and he had never tried to do anything to me before. Then during the summer when I was 13, we were out swimming in the back yard while my mom was at work and he started to touch my breast and...

Oprah: You felt ashamed and helpless, didn’t you?

Sue: Well I was surprised at first, but…

Oprah: You know the thing is, I was molested by an uncle at a very young age and I remember feeling so hopeless and ashamed. I’m sure that you didn’t tell anyone right away, did you?

Sue: No, I didn’t, but…

Oprah: Cause you know I didn’t tell anyone in my family for a long time. It was when I was writing my first book as an adult that I realized that I needed to share this horrible secret with my family. So tell me about finding out that you were pregnant by your uncle.

Sue: Well, it was about 3 months after he had molested me, and I wasn’t really feeling well…

Oprah: Yes, I’m sure. Very tragic. You know the thing is, I found myself pregnant at a young age, too. I was about 14 years-old. The molestation had made me rebel and subsequently I became very promiscuous. It was very hard on me, you know? That was a very bad time in my life. Well that’s all we have time for today. On tomorrows show, Toilet Paper. What’s the right way to hang it? Over or under? I prefer it over, but we’ll get to the tomorrow. Be sure to buy a copy of my magazine. Guess who’s on the cover this month? No, it’s not Tyra Banks. It’s me!

Are you beginning to understand why I can’t stand her talk show? I mean, damn I know it’s the Oprah show, but last time I checked the show wasn’t suppose to be all about Oprah.

I don’t know if Oprah knows this or not, so maybe someone should tell her. Might as well be me…

Hey, Oprah! Guess what? You’re a fucking celebrity! We already know all your dirty laundry. Not to mention that you did write a tell-all book. You don’t need to keep talking about yourself on every episode of your show. We don’t need to know anymore about your fucked up childhood or how you became a whore at 12-years-old or that your 20 year relationship with Stedman is on the rocks... yet again. Be the host of your show and let your guest actually get a word in from time to time without interrupting them by adding your own personally feelings about how it felt when you were in their situation. You CAN’T host the show AND be the guest.

Oh how I long for the talk shows that actually mean something, like the Maury show for example. Four out of five days of the week, we know that Maury is going to have paternity test shows. The fifth day of the week is either going to be “Cheating Lovers”, “Is it a Man or Woman?”, “Odd Couples”, “Violent Teens”, “Overweight Babies”, or “Exotic Animals with Jack Hannah”

I love those paternity test shows. Now that’s what a talk show is supposed to be about: DRAMA!

The minute the girl on stage declares to the guy, “I’m 1000% sure that you’re my baby daddy”, I’m 10,000% sure that he ISN’T.

You’ve got one girl who’s slept with 10 guys and I think we all know by now that none of the 10 guys on that stage is going to be the baby’s daddy. NEXT!

She comes back on the show 5 more times for a grand total of 32 men having been tested for the paternity of her child, when it’s all said and done. Turns out the baby daddy was her own half-brother that she had no idea even existed, but had met and had sex with him one night at a party cause she was so wasted. *GASP*

“Oh my God! You’re my baby daddy and my half-brother?! NO, NO, NO!”, she screams.

Then she runs off stage, crying hysterically and throws herself onto the floor backstage, while Maury tries to console her and offer her words of wisdom of some sort.

Now that’s a good talk show…

And you are… NOT THE FATHER!