Friday, December 28, 2007

I'd So Never Do That

So I've been thinking of all the things that I swore I'd never do, but somehow ended up doing anyways, when I came up with an idea for a whole new blog...

Check out Angry Girlfriend Presents... I Would So Never Do That and please submit some stories. I think I'd pretty cool to hear about all the things that other people have sworn never to do, and yet somehow ended up doing it.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

How Does Your Chicken Taste?

Once upon a time, there was a boyfriend who lied to his girlfriend about going to work. The girlfriend became enraged when she found out that he was actually at a McDonald’s with some whore (I’m not just calling the girl a whore. She really was).

I guess the dumbass thought that his girlfriend would never find out about his little white lie, but he must’ve forgotten the fact that he was a man, and men always get caught cause they ain’t all that bright.

The girlfriend’s first thought was to set the boyfriends house on fire, but then she quickly remembered that she lived there, too. So instead, she set out to find her lying ass boyfriend, with the intent of vandalizing his car. You know, key up the car, slash the tires, break in the windows, all the fun stuff.

Well, as it turned out, finding him would be harder then she had originally thought. He must’ve heard the messages on his voicemail that she had left him warning him that once she got a hold of his scrawny little neck, she was going to snap it in half like a wishbone. Or maybe it was the message she left about cutting off his penis, frying it, and then feeding it to the dog to ensure that he would not be able to have it reattached like John Bobbitt, had him running scared.

Even though the girlfriend knew that the boyfriend had only picked up this escort to deliver her to a john to make some extra cash, it still enraged her because he had lied about what he was doing and she had had to find out on her own. How did she find out? Well, everyone knows that us woman have our ways of finding out the truth, no matter what the truth maybe.

The angry girlfriend needed revenge, so she decided that when the boyfriend got home, she would act normal. As if nothing had happened. She cooked the boyfriend dinner and waited patiently for him to come home.

The boyfriend was quite surprised to see that his angry girlfriend had calm down significantly. He was scared at first, but then became more relaxed and sat down to eat his meal, which consisted of chicken and pasta.

As he ate the chicken, he realized that there was a somewhat bitter taste to it, but was unable to pinpoint the taste. As he finished his chicken, the girlfriend started clearing the table and as she walked towards to the kitchen she turned back and said, “You seemed like you really enjoyed your chicken marinated in my urine”.

The look on the boyfriends face and the fact that he had eaten chicken marinated in piss was all the revenge the angry girlfriend needed.

*The moral of the story here is don't lie to your girlfriend/wife, whatever. We will always find out the truth and we will always get revenge. Men, this is why you shouldn't be so stupid.

I feel a Mastercard commercial coming:

1 lb of boneless chicken breast... $2.79
1 box of pasta... $.89
1 can of alfredo sause...$1.89
2 ounces of urine... free
The price on your boyfriends face when you tell him that his chicken has been marinated in urine... Priceless


Monday, December 3, 2007

Beware of Dora the Explorer

Dora the Explorer

One day, I’m talking to my sister on the phone and she randomly blurted out that she thinks her 3-year-old daughter would try to kill her if Dora the Explorer told her to do it. My sister is so fucking hilarious. I love that bitch. Who the hell else could come up with that shit? This has to be one of the most randomness things that my sister has ever blurted out, but it made me stop and think.

I think that she may actually be right. I started to take notice as my own son would repeat things that Dora would say just because she would tell the kids to repeat after her. She would ask him questions and he would respond to her. If Dora told him to put his hands up in the air and count to 3, he would do it.

I realized at that moment that Dora was actually more dangerous then I had originally assumed her to be. The control that Dora has over my son, as well as all the other kids his age, can only be described as those of a cult leader. Dora has my son, and all the other kids, completely brainwashed.

As if Dora wasn’t dangerous enough, her cousin Diego, is also someone to watch out for. My kid jumped off the couch while making noises like “Baby Jaguar” because he thought that he was jumping over a river to rescue a chinchilla or a red eye tree frog, or whatever the hell animal it was, all because Diego encouraged him to “follow me”. Scary, ain’t it?

And it’s not just Dora and Diego. Blue’s Clues and Yo! Gabba Gabba also breaks the “fourth wall” by engaging in conversation with the audience, but I think that Dora is by far the most dangerous one of them all.

Don’t laugh. I’m being serious. Just cause that bitch, Dora looks all sweet and innocent, don’t mean that she’s not really planning some kind of evil attack with her evil purple monkey, Boots.

Looks can be deceiving. Dora is jealous of kids with families because her life is so miserable. The cheeriness is all just a front. Her parents consistently neglect her and recently even dumped the responsibility of her infant twin brother and sister on her. Her best friend is a monkey and she’s left all day to run around in the woods all by herself.

There was one episode where she was in the middle of the woods and was trying to find her way home. This lead me to believe that perhaps it is her parents who leave her in the middle of the woods everyday, in hopes that she might get lost and not find her way back, though Dora herself seems completely oblivious to the fact that her parents are trying to get rid of her.

I believe that the minute Dora finally figures it all out she will use the kids to exact her revenge on her family and will possibly have the kids act out on their own families. She may seem harmless, but remember, Dora has spent her whole childhood lost in the woods and she talks to animals as well as to inanimate objects (Backpack and The Map). She is constantly being chased down by a fox who seems to be a kleptomaniac. Actually, the more I think about it, the more I’m starting to realize that Dora is starting to sound like a schizophrenic. Someone needs to put this kid on some Stelazine.

The bottom line is that under no circumstances should any child be left unattended with Dora talking to them on T.V. The bitch may seem harmless now, but if your kid turns against you one day for some unknown reason, you can’t say that you weren’t warned.

Dora and Boots hide from Swiper the Fox