Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Commercials That Make Me Angry

I was watching TV the other day when a commercial for Long John Silvers came on. It had something to do with some new popcorn lobster things and they looked pretty good.

In the mist of craving this popcorn lobster balls, I realized, "Wait... I don't even know where a Long John Silvers is. I don't think I've even seen one... ever".

So I Googled Long John Silvers locations and sure enough, there wasn't a Long John Silvers around in a 20 mile radius of where I live.

I thought that was kinda strange since the commercial comes on a lot.

But then a commercial for Sonics came on, and I realized the same thing.

I've been dying to go to a Sonics forever, but apparently there aren't any around here. The nearest Sonics is a little over 50 miles away! Like seriously?

How the fuck is that helping me?

I don't know if this is something that only happens in my area or if this is a nationwide problem.

Commercials being played for places you've never seen anywhere near your area.

It's really fucked up... They get you all worked up and hungry and then it hits you, "I've never even seen a Sonics in real life".

Why are these food chains advertising in places that they don't even have locations in?

They all taught you with their fatty, greasy foods and delicious looking milkshakes and then they show you a commercial of people who are really happy to be scarfing the shit down and then it's like, "Ha ha, bitch. We're not even in you area".

Well you wanna know what Long John Silvers and Sonics?

You guys can go fuck yourselves.

That's right, I said it!

Go fuck yourselves with your fat greasy cheeseburgers and popcorn lobster balls, assholes! Cause guess what? I don't need you guys around to make me fat.

I got McDonald's, Wendy's, Burger King, and Taco Bell to do that for me.

Taunting me like a clean smelling prostitute in an ally that only slightly smells like urine. You should be ashamed.

I hope you guys get fat grease and lobster testicles squirted in your eyeball.

Either get some locations in my area or stop playing those fucking commercials, penis brain.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Welcome Back Lithium

After being in hibernation for the past 6 months, my pet turtle, Lithium, has finally woken up, which is great cause I was a little scared that she might have died on me.

I was actually on the verge of going out and looking for a new turtle to replace her in case she didn't wake up just because I didn't want Frijolero to be like, "Ha, ha. Told you she wasn't going to wake up".

Luckily it all worked out in my favor and I got to rub it in his face, "Ha, ha. Told you I didn't kill her, you bastard".

My knowledge on box turtles is only what I've read on Wikipedia and I'm pretty sure that the article I had read had stated that they only hibernate for approximately 4 months. At least that's what I could've sworn that I read. I could be wrong though.

Maybe it was 6 months. Who knows?

At least she's alive and I don't have turtle blood on my hands.

Congratulations to you, Lithium, for surviving through the cruel winter and not freezing to death due to the negligence of, ummm, Frijolero... Bastard.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Fun on Craigslist: Who Wants to Be My Boy Toy? Part II

After 3 long weeks, here is the 2nd installment of Who Wants to be My Boy Toy?:

Who wants to be my boy toy? - w4m - 45 (Philly)

Reply to: mailto:pers-1051638155@craigslist.org?subject=Who%20wants%20be%20my%20boy%20toy%3f%20-%20w4m%20-%2045%20%28Philly%29 [Errors when replying to ads?]
Date: 2009-02-26, 1:51PM EST

I am an older woman who is in much need of a young man to satisfy my sexual desires.

I'm looking for men between the age of 20-30 and with an open mind for a good romp in the sheets.

I am an older attractive white woman. 45 years old. This is the first time I've ever done anything like this, so please bear with me. xoxo

  • Location: Philly
Victim #1:
Hey I saw your ad on craigslist and I am interested in hooking up
I am 23 y/o, 5'7", I have black hair, dark brown eyes, slender build with abs, and an average length, really thick girth, cut cock. I am drug and disease free. I am clean, safe, and sane. I can cum multiple times and I do have stamina (in and out of bed), and I love to try new things. I do have a slightly dominant side. I would love to meet and enjoy you asap.
I can come to you or we can do car dates and we MUST BE DISCREET.
I live in NE Philly.

I would love to give you that thick hard cock. I would love to pleasure you every day and every night and make sure that you are sexually satisfied and fulfilled.

My Reply:
Oh My...

You sound quite thrilling...

Discretion is definitely a BIG thing for me as I am still married to that old, impotenet, wrinkled, moron.

I swear, if the old bastard wasn't so loaded, I would've left his sorry herpes infested ass years ago.

It's been about 3 years since I've had my hairy, dry pussy stuffed by a large and swollen egg roll, so I am definitely ready. You're "slightly dominant side" may be a bit of a problem though.

There can only be one bitch in this game dear, and I'm afraid that that's going to have to be your role, not mine.

His Reply: at is fine I will not be dominant and I will fuck you the way you want to be fucked and I will make you cum hard by eating you out

Victim #2:
What's up? I'm 23, good looking and in great shape and have always fantasized about being an older woman's boy toy to be used how she pleases. I'm clean, d/d free, relaxed and respectful, and am very open minded. Let me know if you are interested!

My Reply:
Honey, if I wanted a respectful man, I'd fuck my husband.

I'm interested in young wild buck who will fuck me silly and help me clear out the old bat cave of cobwebs.
Victim #3:
20. Kid dynamite. I have a heart for older women.

My Reply:
You are absolutely adorable... Are you into role playing by any chance?

After all, I am old enough to be your mommy... Someones been a bad boy... You need a spanking... You naughty, naughty child...

With your naughty, naughty, sexual desires... I'm going to spank you really nice and hard.

Then I'm going to make you suck on my battered and beaten clitoral lips. I want to grab you hard penile shaft and ram it into the back of my throat. Then I'll let you get behind my dusty old cook and ram that cock in there like a brand new jack hammer.

Hope you don't mind the smell of moth balls as it has been quite a while since I've put the ol' gal to use. She's like a retired pony on its last leg before it gets shot. But I still got it, and I'm gonna give it to you good.

Don't be frightened by the mouse trap thats been set into my vagina. Its been set up there to collect semen.

His Reply:
I'm naughty but bite back.

Pics and details. I'm always bad

My Reply:
oh no sweety, there is no biting mommy.... Or mommy is going to have to bite you itty bitty testicles as punishment.
I'm going to tie you up, naughty boy, and pour honey all over you...

You like that huh?
Then I'm going to put ice cream sparkles all over your body and let the dog come and lick it all off of you.

MMMMM, dont you want to be a naughty boy for mommy?

His Reply:
bite my testicles as punishment, cover them in honey and bite down hard.

I'll be a naughty boy for mommy. Just name a time and place
Victim #4:
hey there,

saw your posting on craigslist. 30/s/w/m here from the philadelphia surburbs. love older woman, and very eager to please. would love to romp those sheets with you.

get back to me if interested, i have pics to share ;) hope to hear from you

My Reply:
mmm you want to romp in the sheets with me...

you are gonna love the this old nasty cunt brings you penile ecstasy.

its been so long since since my menstruating cunt has had its fill. hope u don't mind the blood or the smell but I'm soon to be reaching menopause and I want to enjoy every menstrual cycle till my eggs all dry up.

when are u available to meet up?

Vitctim #5:
U In Luck I'm Looking to be a boy toy call my phonne if u like wat u c

My Reply:
I've never had black penis before... my husband would kill me if he ever woke up from his coma. he told me many times in the past that he could forgive me for infidelity as long as it wasn't with a negro (excuse the term but he's really old and it's probably safe to assume that he is racist.)

Personally, I think that his insecurities stem from that ever long rumor that black men have bigger penile members (my husband is only about 5inches on his best days)

I think that a young buck like you could possibly be exactly what this ol' gal needs to climax and get some of those old cockroaches out of the old bat cave. You could be my young stallion and I could be your master. I could tie you up and whip you until you became tamed and called me your Master.

I'd like to spoil you and have you do things to me that no men has ever done before. I've always had a fetish for sticking foreign objects into my vaginal cake but as of yet, I've found no one else to share that hobby with me.

I know that sex is a lot different now then when I was younger in terms of people being more open to try new things, so I'd love to do a lot of new experimental things with you. I've considered asphyxiation, too. What do you think?

Victim #6:
I attached my pic if you like hit me back with yours....I've never done this either but its an incredible fantasy of mine.....we could have alot of fun......I love using my tongue....


My Reply:
No one even said that I've never done this before... In fact, I do it all the time. This is the rave of the century. My son is about your age. It was he who suggested that I start looking for new sexual partners on the internet, now that my husband is in a coma.

I once had this pleasant little Vietnamese boy who was perhaps just barely 19-years-old. He lived and shared my bed for almost a month until he discovered my husband bedroom and saw him lying there on his respirator. (This was before the coma).

Ohhh how I miss my little Phuc.... Anyways, enough about that

Tell me about yourself... What kind of things are you into?

Victim #7:
I would love to be your boy toy. 36 yeord man. I am married and need more I do not need to change my life I want to feel in gaps that have become emptied. I am very oral by the way, if you know what I mean. ;) This is the first time i am reading this so i can understand you.

Best Wishes

My Reply:
i am also married to an older and useless bag of worthless, impotent man. just looking at him naked makes me want to hurl. hes is quite unattractive though his bank statement is quite lovely. and hes got more decaying flesh rotting off of his stench filled body then the crypt keeper.

I suck his impotent dick once a month just because I hope that eventually one of those times he'll die from a heart attack. Enough about him. I havent had sex in my old saggy vagina in quite some time so I'm looking forward to some nicer penis with out all the elephant wrinkles... could you be that one to satisfy me?

His Reply:
I can see your dilemma. I would love to be the one to satisfy you if you give me a chance. As I said before I am so very oral. I would love to make you cum with my tongue. You said this is the first time you are writing and this is the first time I am reading an ad. SO I think we can be on the same page. I think there is no need for us to change our lives but to help eachother find what we are missing. There are so many things in our lives that this arrangement maybe really good for both. Lets findout where it leads. hope to hear from you soon.

Best WIshes

My Reply:
I would just like to inform my that my husband found out about our little rendezvous plans thanks to that fucking Asian slut-of-a-whore housekeeper of mine. Who knew she could actually read English? Shes' been so spiteful ever since she found out that $5 a day is way below the minimum wage. I ought to have that fucking bitch deported.

But to hell with that. On the plus side, that old wrinkled bastard would like to join in out fun, or rather he's interested in having relations with you as I watch.

So when should we meet?
Victim #8:
36 old goodlooking greek i live in atlantic city i can host..
..love 2 eat ur pussy n suck ur hornny wet clit..i'll fuck ur clit with my lips and make cum n cum in my face..
love unshave pussy with fat wet pussy lips and hard clit...hung greek cock and big shooter 4 u baby
please call me 215 499 ****.. or just txt me 4 pic

My Reply:
lovely because I am extremely unshaven and have a wild bush like the amazon...
you can be my little pet turtle and i will call you long john dung. i know that you would love a taste of this old coots vaginal scabies and lice. your a little dirty boy and i'm gonna spank your little dirty ass.

His Reply:
its morning.. i love sex in morning..
i like ur email its soooo sexy just like ur wet pussy..my dick soooo hard now ..thinking of u
sitting on my face..my tongue licking ur clit and asshole..my fingers in side ur horny pussy..and ur
cuming in my face 4 ever...
please tel me u r going to call 2nit..i love darty phone sex....
im working today..from 12;00 to 8;00 pm..
let me know what time u going to call me ..must be after 8;00 pm...
i live alon a im single n safe..
your greek lover..
john xoxo

My Reply:
I want to ride you like a pony train and shoot grape flavored jolly ranchers out my pussy into your mouth. maybe skittles so you can tell people that you've tasted the rainbow.

I will sit on ur face and u can eat my dripping wet, gonorrhea infected clit until I squirt my syphilis juice in your eyeball.

you can finger me until I orgasm orange anal secretions..

His Reply:
can u call me..

I think there may be another installment but who knows. I still have a lot of emails that I either didn't read or haven't had a chance to post the replies.

All the same, I'll propably start doing these posting at least once a month now that I have internet at home again. And I'm sure they will be even more interesting since chances are, I'll be slightly inebriated, hehe.

Those are always the best...

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Back Online

I know that many of you may be unaware that I haven't had home Internet services since Frijolero caught a major virus on my computer and crashed the whole system back in November.

Tax time came around and we ended up buying a new computer 2 weeks ago, but since we wanted to upgrade to Verizon FiOS, we had to wait until today for those fuckers to come out and get everything up and running.

So here I am, blogging without fear of being caught by someones wandering eye and now you guys know why I haven't been blogging as frequently.

I had a story about Verizon cause they pissed me off yesterday so here it goes:

After buying the new computer, I immediately called them to set up Internet services. Services were scheduled to be installed on April 21, 2009 between 8am - 12pm.

We, as you may have already figured out, that was yesterday.

I took the day off yesterday, since that's when they were suppose to be coming.

But of course, that's not what happened.

Around noon, I called up Verizon to figure out why no one had showed up. The guy on the other line tells me, "There seems to be some conflicting dates".

I'm wondering what the hell kinda conflicting dates could there be? They said they'd come out on April 21st and today is April 21st. Where's the fucking conflict?

Apparently someone had dropped the ball and had split the order so that I would be receiving 2 services on April 21st and the other on April 22nd.

But still... That doesn't answer the question of why no one has arrived yet. So they guy calls dispatch and dispatch tells him that no one is scheduled to come to my house until April 22nd.

I politely told the guy that even though I know that no of this was his fault, to cancel my service because Verizon can go go eat vaginal yeast infection clumps and herpes juice for all I cared. As far as I was concerned they should go suck on a genital wart.

How in the hell did they think they were gonna get into the house to install services on the 22nd when they hadn't even notified me that they had randomly changed my date?

And then they wanna charge me a super high ass bill after I missed not 1, but 2 days of work. That ain't gonna fly.

The only reason I even bothered taking off a 2nd day was because I didn't wanna hear Frijoleros mouth about the whole thing.

I've been without home Internet for the last 6 months... Another 6 months was not gonna kill me.

So yeah... Just because I'm using the services (so not my decision) does not mean that I'm gonna let that shit slide. Verizon can still go suck it for all I care!!!

Monday, April 13, 2009

Easter Egg Hunt

With yesterday being Easter and all, I took my kid over to my aunts house for an Easter Egg Hunt. My aunt, always being the broke ass bitch she is, only boiled about 24 eggs for 8 kids.

The 4 older kids ages ranged from 10-14 and the 4 younger kids were all 5 years of under.

I already knew this was going to be a bad idea since the older kids have an unfair advantage over the younger kids. Of course, no one pays me any mind or attention until I start doing outrageous things and that's exactly what happened.

All of the older kids found most of the eggs and were gloating in their victory. That is until...

I saw the disappointment in my kids eyes, having only found 2 eggs. He was so sad that it killed me, so I did what any other parent would do:

I ran up to one of the older kids baskets and stole some eggs and then re-hid them so my son could find them.

The older kids, having saw me steal their eggs chased after me, as to everyone horror I screamed at them "Go fuck yourselves, assholes".

I fought those little bastards off and re-hid the egg. My son was so happy that he has found another egg, that I just had to do something more for him to get more eggs.

One of the older kids had briefly left their Easter bag unattended to go look for more eggs, so this time I ripped the bottom of his bag so his eggs would fall out without his knowledge.

Then I took my kid and followed closely as the older kids eggs would drop and my kids would "find" them as we walked.

He was so proud of himself for having found so many eggs and I felt that I had done my job as a parent.

Of course my aunt, and some of the other adults weren't too happy. But nobody cares what they think, so they can go fuck themselves. It was there damn fault that I had to resort to such extreme measures to begin with.

What the hell did they think was going to happen when you only have 24 eggs and 10-14 year olds competing again 5 and under?

When I put into perspective, suddenly they got it, though they still thought my method of evening the playing field was a little extreme, to which I say to them, "Fuck off. I would urinate in your fucking right eyeball if I knew it would make my kid happy. So don't stand in my fucking way, bitch".

Dammit, those older kids just made me sooo fucking mad. I'm going to my happy place now...

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Butt Sniffer

I have a dirty little secret:

Sometimes at night, when Frijolero is fast asleep... I sniff his butt hairs to see if they smell like re-fried beans.

I don't have an ass fetish or anything and certainly not a hair ass crack fetish but I have nothing better to do.

He likes to walk around like his ass don't stink but it smells like butt. Not re-fried beans or strawberries... Just good ol' fashion ass...

I like smelling his butt because he has an anal phobia, so I violate his personal butt space because I know it would really bother him if he knew that I was that close to his anus.

He's got really long ass hairs... So long that I've even thought about braiding them while he's asleep then slipping him a laxative in the morning.

Just imagine he's taking a shit, when to his horror, he has clumps of shit entangled in his ass hairs, LMAO.

That would be hilarious.

I'm gonna save that prank for a day when he's got me really nice and angry.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Now on Twitter

Honestly, I don't get the point of Twitter, and I really didn't want to sign up for it cause some bitch stole my ID LOL, (I'm on there under AngryGrlfriend, note that there's no i).

But everyone else seems to be going crazy over this site, so I'm gonna give it try and see what's really going on.

I've noticed that people seem to update their statues like every 3 minutes, which I'm trying to figure out why you feel it's so important to let the world know that you're taking a shit, or burying your sisters cat, or have a penis in your mouth.

Since we're all starting to get so intimate with one another, I guess it's totally appropriate for me to randomly start groping people I meet out on the street. I mean it's basically the same thing, right?

Just a thought...

Oh and in case you care to follow me in the event that I actually keep this thing up, here's where you can find me: Angry Girlfriend on Twitter

Friday, April 3, 2009

Fun on Craigslist:: Who Wants to Be My Boy Toy? Part I

I posted this ad in Philadelphia. I figured that I've gotta explore in different areas to see if all men are equally as desperate and will play along with twisted responses.

Turns out they will...

This time, I decided to switch things up and make myself an older woman. I'm usually pretending to be in my early 20's. This time I decided to hike up the age to 45 and I played the role of a cougar.

So here is my Philly ad:

Who wants to be my boy toy? - w4m - 45 (Philly)

Reply to: pers-1051638155@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
Date: 2009-02-26, 1:51PM EST

I am an older woman who is in much need of a young man to satisfy my sexual desires.

I'm looking for men between the age of 20-30 and with an open mind for a good romp in the sheets.

I am an older attractive white woman. 45 years old. This is the first time I've ever done anything like this, so please bear with me. xoxo

  • Location: Philly

Victim #1:
Hello i am 24 male maple shade. Black. 6 foot 1 and kinda stocky wit sexy kissable lips. Do u have a pic or yahoo? Let me know so i can be sure u r real. I can host here or in camden most nights and weekends.. Ttyl

My Reply:
is stocky a nice way of calling yourself a fat ass?

its ok, i dont judge on weight... i'm just so happy to finally be gettin some penis... well, hopefully...
i like fat people actually because theyre always nice... ugly people too...

i think i like you... you honest, fat, and probably could make me cum..

My husband is the worst fuck around... if it wasnt for his little impotence issue, i probably wouldn't have become an alcoholic.

So tell me young stallion, what do you think you could do to me that would make my toes curl and the spiders come running from out of my vagina.

His Reply:
lol. wow... u are a handful.
well let me start off by getting a pic from you and describing more about how u look to me... then i can let you know what body parts i will do what to and how i will do to you. u have a husband so that means we can be discreet. and i liek that. i am sort of engaged myself, she doesnty live with me tho. do you mind coming to maple shade new jersey for our secret pleasures? definately send a pic and a yahoo or aim screename so we can chat

My Reply:
Honey, I'm cutting your fat ass a break by even considering letting u fuck me to begin with. I'm not going to drive out of my way to fuck to Pillsbury Dough Boy, fat man.

You need to bring something to the table, and I don't mean food. You're probably fat enough as it is...
Victim #2:
I'm 36, which is older than your upper age range. But, I'm totally blind from birth, highly intelligent, intensely musical and a blast between the sheets. Will you give me a chance?

My Reply:
How in the hell are you sending me an email if you're blind? Do you need to be able to see in order to type?

Are you some type of modern Rain Man? No, that would make any sense. Rain Man was autistic, not blind. Stevie Wonder... There you go...

Doesn't matter I suppose. Darling, I'm going to make a slight confession. I may have partially fibbed about my age.

I'm not as young and vibrant as I may have claimed to be. I'm just slightly older.
But considering the fact that you're blind anyways, I doubt that you could really tell the difference.

After all, if you're tried one pussy, you've basically tried them all.
My vagina may not be as tight as it once was, and I may not be attractive in a conventional manner, not that it matters considering that you are blind, but I could definitely teach you a thing or two.

His Reply:
No, babe. I use a normal keyboard and type the same way fast sighted typists do, by touch. Your verbally colorful emails are read to me in synthesized speech by a screen reader called Window-eyes. I actually met him once and played beside him at the same piano. This was during my Freshman year at New York's LaGuardia high school. Tell me, how old are you exactly? Do you honestly think all pussies are identical? They sure don't all taste the same. Well, I'm here and horny. So, teach me as soon as you want.

Victim #3: I am 20, I live in Philly looking for some fun. I want to be your boytoy.

My Reply:
lovely. u sound spectacular.

how big is your cock? I'm an older woman with a bit of experience so let me tell u what I'm into.

I'd like to tie your penis to your testicles and pinch your nipples with nipple clamps.
you will perform oral sex and suck on my spectacular labia that has aged like a fine wine and now resemble something that I could only describe as elephant ears.

I will cut the string holding your penis and testicles in place and you will slide your gracious penile shaft into my ever so moist, loose, cunt.
does this sound pleasing?

Victim #4:
id love to be your boy toy.....25 y/o attractive and fit white male here....let me know.

My Reply:
Ooooh my!
I don't even care what the rest of you looks like. After having to sleep with my old wrinkly prune body husband for the last 3 years you would be a pleasant delight.

Thank god the old wrinkled fart is suffering from impotence or I'd still have to feel his creepy decaying skin on my body.

I've done a vaginal rejuvenation surgery recently so my old ass cunt is tight like an 18 year old.

Victim #5:
OH please pick me! Hi, I'm matt. I'm 20, live on the main line and can host. I've been DYING to find an older lady to show me a good time. In a word i'm the perfect boytoy. I'm mature, can hold a conversation. I work in a law firm downtown and have been all over the world. Oh and I'm a demon in the sack.
I can't wait to meet you. I'm sending you a picture. Matt

My Reply:
Honey, I don't need a boy toy whose educated or even good at small talk.
I need a boy toy whose is going to fuck me silly and has the stamina of a wild stallion.

My husband is an older gentleman and can no longer perform the way I need him to.

Its been a long time since I've had a good romp in the sheets and my old wrinkled ass, dusty pussy could use a really good hammering.

Victim # 6:
I attached my pic if you like hit me back with yours....I've never done this either but its an incredible fantasy of mine.....we could have alot of fun......I love using my tongue....

My Reply:
No one even said that I've never done this before...

In fact, I do it all the time. This is the rave of the century.

My son is about your age. It was he who suggested that I start looking for new sexual partners on the internet, now that my husband is in a coma.

I once had this pleasant little Vietnamese boy who was perhaps just barely 19-years-old.

He lived and shared my bed for almost a month until he discovered my husbands bedroom and saw him lying there on his respirator. (This was before the coma).

Ohhh how I miss my little
Phuc.... Anyways, enough about that Tell me about yourself...

What kind of things are you into?

Victim #7: (I kinda switched gears here and pretended to be a foreigner.)
hi lets meet now

My Reply: hello handsome, you are so hairy. in my native country we call you ternaco azum nietco which mean like a hairy gorilla tarantula monkey loosely translate. it is compliment.

I love every inch of your hairy nipple and would like to pour hot sauce and lick all over you. you remind me of my ex lover who was hairy like you but with more hair. for fun, we pour hot wax and pull. he get erection from this sexual activity. i like to meet you too.

His Reply:
cool when can i cum see u and can u snd me a pic

Stay tuned to next week for Part II. Well maybe not next week, but within 2 weeks... Maybe...

Anyone got any good ideas for a new character to portray?

Thursday, April 2, 2009


The new McDonald's commercial for Filet-O-Fish has been stuck in my head since I saw that stupid commercial.

For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, you can watch that commercial here:

It use to annoy me, but the more I kept hearing it, the more I like it. You have to admit... It's pretty damn catchy.

The guy in the commercial doesn't seemed bothered at all by that talking fish and just keeps eating his sandwich while nodding his head to the music.

It's pretty funny like the 5th time around.

I have been so entranced by the song that I managed to find it online and download it as a ringtone.

People are going to be so annoyed by my new ringtone. It's actually kinda funny.

Well you know me... Always finding new ways to annoy and piss off the general public...