Friday, September 28, 2007

Angry Girlfriends Guide to Safer Oral Sex

In a day and age where the internet has become the main tool for society to learn about a wide range of subjects from the new and latest technology, to celebrity gossip, it shocks me that still so many people seem unaware of the dangers of oral sex when the proper precautions aren’t taken.

Most people are well aware about the proper precautions when it comes to sexual intercourse and yet when it comes to oral sex, so many people seem to have this false sense of security that performing oral sex is safer then sexual intercourse.

As we all know, a woman cannot become pregnant from either giving nor receiving oral sex, and that may very well be, in part, the reason that so many have gained this false sense of security that oral sex is safer.

The threat of contracting an STI from oral sex is very much real though many people seem completely oblivious to this fact. Yes, it is true that you are less likely to contract an STI from oral sex then from vaginal intercourse, but the fact remains, that the risks are there.

During oral sex an STI can spread from the genital area to the mouth and vise versa. They pass between people through body fluid or through direct contact with skin or sores.

It is possible to contract gonorrhea, Chlamydia, or syphilis in your mouth and/or throat. Herpes is the most common STI contracted from unsafe practices of oral sex.

Sounds pretty ugly, doesn’t it?

So how do you protect yourself from contracting a STI and still be able to enjoy oral sex?

To protect yourself during the act of fellatio (blow job), it’s actually pretty simple. I’m sure you’ve all seen those flavored condoms while at the drug store and have probably wondered to yourself at some point or another, “What’s the deal with those flavored condoms? How would I taste them unless I put it in my mouth? Seems kinda pointless”.

I never did understand how some people could be so clueless about the purpose of flavored condoms. Flavored condoms were designed with the intent that you DO put them in your mouth… while giving your boyfriend head. It creates a barrier so that no bodily fluids are exchanged, thus helping to prevent the transmission of an STI from one partner to another.

Some men may claim that the act of oral sex doesn’t feel as good with a condom then oral sex without the use of a condom. Though using a condom to perform oral sex may decrease sensitivity to the penis, there are ways to make oral sex enjoyable with the use of a condom.

Simply apply a lubricant, such as KY Jelly or Astroglide, to the inside of the condom BEFORE placing the condom onto the penis. This is to simulate the feeling of saliva on the penis that would normally be felt during oral sex without a condom.

Because most men tend to be visually stimulated, seeing their partner performing oral sex on them will tend to get them off with or without a condom. Don’t listen to any excuses that using a condom during oral sex will prevent him from having an orgasm.

Moving on to cunnilingus…

To protect yourself during the act of cunnilingus (eating out), you have several options. Dental dams are usually recommended. Dental dams are a late barrier, but unfortunately can sometimes be very hard to find.

A second option, which is just as efficient, is a regular condom, cut in half. You would place this condom over the vulva and it would create a barrier between mouth to vagina contact.

A third, and final option, is plastic wrap, such as saran wrap. I know this may shock some people, but using saran wrap as a barrier to perform cunnilingus does really work. But you should remain cautious while using saran wrap since it can tear easily if punctured by a fingernail.

Just like with the men, rubbing a little lubricant on the side of the barrier that will be placed down on the vulva can stimulate the warm feeling of saliva that would be naturally felt if a barrier were not used.

Just like with sexual intercourse, oral sex can still be enjoyable with the use of condoms, dental dams, and saran wrap. Hopefully, this guide has inspired you to take a safer approach to oral sex.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Higher Education?

As most of you know, I recently earned my Associates of Arts degree in Psychology and even though I knew that more then likely I wouldn’t find a job that paid as high as someone with, lets say a Bachelors degree, I did expect to find a job that would pay more then a person with nothing but a High School education.

I am more then sorely disappointed. Not only has it been more then a month since my job search began, but I have come to find that not only do most employers discredit people with an just an A.A., they also pay a person with an A.A. the same, and some cases less, then a person with a high school diploma.

I have become disgusted and enraged with the whole job search process. Yesterday, I had an interview for a job that involved working with violent and troubled teens, which have no home and live in a college-dorm like facility. Let me first make it clear that I am not condemning this place or bashing it. It is a very nice facility and they do great work for all the children and teens that they house.

Now back to the matter at hand. I had an interview for a job and was explained that I would be working with four teenage girls who each varied between somewhat troubled to extremely troubled. I would be working part time, 33 hours a week and my schedule would be as follows:

Thursday 10:30 PM – Friday 8:30 AM
Friday 10:30 PM – Saturday 9:30 AM
Saturday 10:30 PM – Sunday 10:30 AM

I would have to submit to random drug and alcohol testing. Training would be a week long and would include CPR & First Aid training, 3 days of therapeutic crisis intervention verbal training, 1 day of therapeutic crisis intervention physical training. I was told that the physical training was considered a last resort but it was necessary “just in case”. I would also have to pay out of pocket to have my background checked through fingerprints and would have to pay for my own drug testing, which in all would cost me about $99.

I have to admit, I wasn’t exactly thrilled with the schedule, but the job position itself really excited me. I felt that I could really connect with these girls and make a difference. The job position had required that the applicant held an A.A. in psychology and I finally felt like I had found the job that would get me started on the path to my career.

As an added bonus, I would still receive health care benefits even though the position was part time, as well as paid leave. I would also be eligible for tuition reimbursement. Then came the part where we discussed how much I would actually be earning. The position was a salaried position, which I don’t really care for but that wouldn’t be a big issue so long as the salary was decent.

Once I heard how much the position was offered, I have to say, I was more then disappointed as well as disgusted and enraged. I would be getting paid a salary of $16,050 a year!

I was sitting there thinking to myself, “Are you fucking kidding me? Come the fuck on! This can’t be fucking serious”.

The interviewer then broke it down for me just in case I didn’t get it the first time. $16,050 would be the equivalent of making a little over $9 an hour.

He was probably better off not telling me that since it would’ve taken me a while to figure out the math anyways. But either way, I was already well aware that $16,050 a year was pretty shitty, even for a part time.

The interviewer then handed me a sheet that stated the salaries for what an employee who worker the job I had applied for full-time would make, as well as another position that required a Bachelors degree. Those salaries were $19,500 and $26,000 respectively. He then ended the interview by stating that I had the job, and would like to know when I could start.

I told him that I would get back to him on Friday because I had another interview to attend. He was fine with that and told me that he would be waiting for my call on Friday. I was lying my ass off, but I had to get out of there and think.

I couldn’t believe how low these salaries were, but I didn’t want to stay in his office any longer then I had to. I had to get the hell out of there. I had so many thoughts running through my head and I felt a major case of verbal diarrhea about to come up. So I thanked him for his time, and I told him that I’d get in touch with him as soon as I had made my decision, to which he replied, “I’m sure that I’ll be hearing from you then. We offer one of the best facilities in the area. Most facilities through their youths out once they’ve reach 18 years of age. We house them until they turn 21 and give them college prep”.

Right, cause that’s really what I’m interested in. You act as if I plan to become a resident at the facility. I got news for you. I’m not a troubled teen and it’s pretty irrelevant to me whether you house teens after they turn 18. Hell, they could live there till they were 35 for all I care!

Of course I didn’t say any of that, but I couldn’t help to think it. I left the building and headed to my car. Once I got in, I hauled ass out of that parking lot, cursing and screaming almost the whole 30 minute drive home.

“Nine fucking dollars an hour? I’ve made more then that working as a lifeguard! Nine dollars an hour and I have to take a physical training class ‘just in case’?! What the fuck are these people thinking?”

But how could I not be mad? Here I had busted my balls for two years in order to earn a higher degree thinking that it would open more doors for me and a chance to make more money, only to find out that I was all wrong. Not only were the job offers offering me less money that what I was making before I had earned my degree, but now I had to take classes in self defense “just in case” on top of it all.

Just in case what, exactly? Just in case the 4 violently aggressive teenage girls that I'm suppose to be caring for decide to gang up on me and kill me?

Oh but, its $9 an hour. It’s soooo totally worth putting my life on the line. After all, I will be receiving health care benefits so if these girls kick my ass, at least 80% of my medical bill is covered.

I had never intended to earn an Associates and then call it quits to begin with, but it just the fact that I naively believed that a two year degree was better then no degree at all and would help me for the time being to find a better paying job then having just a high school diploma.

Then I go to this job interview that stated that having an Associates degree was mandatory to even qualify for the job only to learn that I would be earning less money then I had made working as lifeguard which only requires you to be at least 16 years of age and have CPR & First Aid certifications.

I was making like $10 an hour and then and was certain then some sort of higher education would surely help me make more money. I was very, very wrong. So here I am feeling disgusted, disappointed, and highly frustrated.

I’m almost out of toilet paper and too broke to go buy anymore. Might as well go wipe my ass with my worthless diploma. What a fucking joke…

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Are We All Bi-Curious?

When the term bisexual comes to mind, the first thought for most people is usually that of a young woman who is just oozing with sexuality. Some people would even classify this kind of woman as being sexually overcharged.

But what would you think if I told you that all humans are bi-curious by nature? I think that most people would have a hard time excepting this theory and would become uncomfortable with just the thought alone that they themselves just may be bi-curious. Men especially would find this theory a little hard to swallow, no pun intended.

The fact remains that bisexuality is nothing new to modern society and has been practiced by ancient man.

It might shock some people to learn that in ancient Greece, same-sex relationships were mandatory for the Spartans between the younger boys and the adult men. This was deemed acceptable so long as the men eventually married and had children. The belief was that love and erotic relationships between the experienced soldiers and the rookie soldiers would create a stronger bond and that the soldiers would fight more fearlessly as they wanted to impress their lovers.

However, in today’s society, something like what occurred between the Spartans in ancient Greece would not be socially acceptable with modern man.

A man who engages in sexual acts with another man is quickly labeled as a homosexual, regardless of whether or not his sexual preference might lean more towards woman.

Woman, on the other hand, can engage in sexual relations with one another and not be automatically labeled as a lesbian. Most people would probably assume that the woman was “just being curious”.

I have come up with my own beliefs about bisexuality that I’m sure many people would disagree with. But it’s my theory, so what can you do?

My theory states that all humans on this earth exhibit some traits of bisexuality. That’s not to say that all people act on it. It’s just to say that the traits are there.

As children, we are curious about our bodies. It is this curiosity that often leads children as young as 4-years-old to explore their bisexuality among their peers, though this is more of a common occurrence between little girls then with little boys.

As adults, this trend continues. Women tend to be more open to the idea of experimenting with their bisexuality. It maybe due to the fact that woman have already become comfortable with this type of behavior from childhood. It could also have something to do with the fact that the behavior is more socially accepted by society. A woman, who is deemed bisexual, often becomes more desirable to men simply because most men have the ever recurring fantasy of being with two women at once.

Men however, tend to be classified as being homosexual if they even entertain the idea of experimenting with their bisexuality and are somewhat less desired by woman.

In a sense bisexuality may not even really exist. Most people who classify themselves as being bisexual will always have a stronger preference one way or the other, thus defining their sexual preference. But why do we feel the need to put people in one category or the other?

Simply stated: because it’s human nature to do so. Having labels such as “straight”, “gay” or “bi” lets others know what you prefer and whether or not it’s safe for them to approach you if they’re interested.

Bisexuality is the gray area of sexual orientation. Unlike being gay or straight, who have a sexual preference one way or the other, a bisexual can opt to go either way, which tends to confuse most people.

Alfred Kinsey, who was the founder of what is now referred to as “sexology”, developed the Kinsey Scale which was designed as an attempt to measure sexual orientation.

This is a copy of the scale:
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Because most straight women have a tendency to experiment with their bisexuality, they would be scored as either a 1 or 2, according to the scale. On the other hand, most straight men would score a 0 since they are less likely to toy around with their sexuality.

I, myself, would score about a 2 based on the Kinsey Scale. (Don’t act surprised. Most women you know are probably the same way. They just don’t admit to it. It is completely sexually healthy to have the occasional roll-in-the-hay with a member of the same sex. Besides, for a straight woman, it’s the loophole to cheating).

Although most men would score a 0, according to the Kinsey Scale, it is my belief that straight men who are too worried to experiment physically with their bisexuality due to society standards, still find other ways to explore their bisexual side.

It is my belief that movies, such as Troy, Alexander, and the more recent 300, are all homoerotic movies created by men for men to serve the purpose of allowing straight men to safely somewhat indulge in their bi-curiosity without fear of being chastised or being labeled a homosexual, and all under the guise of the movie being labeled a War movie.

Straight men also tend to push their women partners into anal sex as a way to experiment with their bi-curiousness. Society does not considered this to be homosexual behavior since the men are penetrating a woman’s anus as opposed to a mans anus, though it is really all the same.

The fact remains that whether you choose to admit to it or not, the human species, by nature, is bi-curious. There are many who may never act out on their curiosity, but the thoughts in their mind will always exist even if they never share it with another sole on this earth.

Like it or not, we are all bi-curious.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Is Your Life Book Worthy?

There was a time when only the most notable people in the world and throughout history would be privileged enough to have a book written and published about their lives. These people were people who, in one way or another, made a big social impact that influenced humanity, a nation and sometimes, even the world, though not always for the better of mankind. Certain people who come to mind are Martin Luther King, Jr., John F. Kennedy, Jesus, Mother Theresa, Winston Churchill, Socrates, and yes, even Hitler.

Nowadays, even the most average of average Joes can have a book written and published. It’s pretty senseless in my opinion. After all, even a person who has lived the most mundane and boring life can have a best seller with a lot of exaggerating and good editing.

I think we all know the recipe to make a best seller: lots of sex and lots of drama. We as human beings seem to take pleasure in knowing that other people have had it worse then us. We’re all somewhat of a sadist, though most people wouldn’t want to admit that they really do enjoy reading and hearing about the misery and suffering that others have endured in their lifetime.

But it’s true. Why else would the autobiography books written by some unknown person that no one knows or cares about but includes such topics as incest, rape, violent murders, sexual escapades, and all the other most gruesome things that life has to offer make the best sellers list, while books about religion, science and other such things written by known religious leaders, well-known scientist, etc., are often walked right pass without as much as a second glance?

We, as humans, don’t care to hear about the good in humanity. What peaks our interest are all the sexual, dark and morbid things that life has to offer. That’s what makes a best seller.

We don’t care about the prodigy child that so brilliant, she speaks 5 languages fluently, manages to graduate from Harvard University at 14-years-old and graduated law school at 16, and actually waits until she is married to lose her virginity.

We want to read about the woman who, as a child, was molested by her cousin at the age of 8. By 12 was addicted to cocaine. At 14 was a full blown heroin addict and had given birth to her 1st child. Started turning tricks at 15, and was still turning tricks and pregnant with her 2nd child at 16. At 18, she’s brutally raped and severely beaten by a john and is pregnant yet again. Then suddenly, she has some sort of life altering experience that more then likely was all a mere hallucination caused by all the drugs she’s consumed over her life time, at 21.

She finally gets a legitimate job that pays minimum wage and has come off the drugs, and is now fighting the state for custody of her now 4 kids that she lost sometime between turning tricks and the life altering experience. She’s enrolled in college and has dedicated herself to becoming a lawyer. She manages to get her kids back, get her law degree and finally becomes a successful person and is very well-off by the time she’s 33. Then one night when she’s 45, her house is broken into in the middle of the night. She is raped, tortured, and the house is set on fire with her and her 4 children all inside, bound and gagged. They all parish in the fire, but the story, if told, would make an instant best seller.

So now think to yourself. In all honesty, if you could write a book about yourself without any exaggerations, do you really think that your life is book worthy? Have you really suffered that much in your lifetime that others may actually give a shit enough to pick up a copy of your book and read what you’ve been through? I think the answer to this is question for most people would be simple: NO.

No matter how bad you think you’ve had it, chances are that someone else has been through all you’ve been through and worse. The only reason you think its book worthy is because it happened to you. I hate to tell you, but you’re no more interesting the rest of us, so get over yourself and move on. Unless your life was truly extraordinary and not your run-of-the-mill sob story and you actually did have to overcome more obstacles then most without exaggeration, we don’t care do read your life story.

Angry Girlfriend: The Untold Story
“I think that most people think that their lives are book worthy. Myself included! But let me tell you why mine would actually sell: Lots of sex! My book would have stories of strippers, cross dressing prostitutes, lots of drugs and booze, lesbians, wild fantasies being played out with a phone sex operator, and lots of wild, kinky sex stories. The best part is, all the stories would be real. Nothing would be exaggerated! All true stories of things that I've lived through. Still not sold? Oh well, fuck it! I tried!”

Soraya – In response to the question “Do you think your life would be book worthy?”

Friday, September 21, 2007

Say What You Want

It’s inevitable that not everyone will get along. But what do you do when you’re disliked simply for being the person who you are?

I don’t mean that you’re a bad person by nature, rather I’m referring to those of us who are sometimes just to blunt or honest for the comfort of most.

Chances are, if you’re anything like me, you may say, “to hell with it”, or my personal favorite, “if you don’t like it, then go fuck yourself”, and move on. I tend to be the kind of person who finds humor when a person dislikes me, especially when they go through extreme measures to show their dislike towards me.

There’s no point in dwelling over people who talk shit about you. Hey, if its not you their taking shit about, it’s bound to be someone else. It’s one of those bad qualities with being human, but I guess it comes with the territory.

But you know what? Life is too short to worry about what others might be thinking or saying about you, and there’s not much you can do to change a persons opinion once they’ve decided that they don’t care for your way of being.

On that note, I say fuck it. Just let them say what they want. In the end, you know that you’re probably a better person then them anyways, so it really doesn’t matter.

If they don’t like you, it’s probably just because they’re intimidated, jealous, or just wish that they could posses that certain quality that makes you stand out in eyes of others.

Regardless of the shit people say, you should always stay true to who you really are, and just enjoy yourself and enjoy life in general.

The Importance of Masturbation

Masturbation has always been a subject that people find uncomfortable. Generally speaking, I believe that this is because people feel ashamed in admitting that they actually took the time to sexually pleasure themselves. There are also some people who find it uncomfortable because as children, they were taught that masturbation was shameful and dirty.

Masturbation should not be considered shameful or dirty, rather it should be taught as a part of normal human sexuality.

Some people might be shocked to learn that children as young as 2-years-old begin to experiment with masturbation. They might not realize what they are doing at the moment, but they know that it makes them feel good which is why they continue to do it. That is until the parent catches onto the behavior and reprimands them for doing it.

This is a bad approach since by reprimanding the child it will only teach them to be ashamed and uncomfortable of their bodies. It is better to explain to the child that that kind of behavior should only be done in the privacy of their bedrooms as opposed to them doing it in public.

This way, they won’t feel ashamed of themselves, and will know that it is okay as long as it’s done in private.

The first time I can recall masturbating was when I was about 3-years-old. I remember grinding with my cabbage patch and how good it felt. I did this pretty often and it was all innocent. I really didn’t have much of a concept about sexual intercourse. At that age, you don’t really think that way. I was just exploring the tingly feeling that I had down there.

To this day, I don’t see any shame in masturbation. It’s safe, fun and educational.

It’s safe because there are no risks of pregnancy or STD’s and as a bonus, if you happen to get drunk and masturbate, there’s no morning after regrets about who you slept with. Don’t believe that old wives tale. Believe me; you won’t go blind from frequent masturbation. If that were true, I would’ve been blind years ago and I still have 20/20 vision.

It’s fun because you can always guarantee yourself an orgasm, unlike your boyfriend, husband, or that guy you met at the bar last night. Enough said.

Most importantly it’s educational since you’re not only learning your sexual likes and dislikes, but you’re also teaching yourself how to climax, which believe it or not, quite a few woman don’t know how to do.

There are a lot of woman out there who are uncomfortable at the thought, let alone at the actual act of masturbating. For all of those women who feel or think this way I would say, “How can you possibly expect for a man to give you an orgasm if you can’t even give yourself and orgasm?”

Just think about it.

It would put quite a damper on your sex life if you had to fake an orgasm every time you had sex. Sex might feel good without an orgasm, but it’s great with an orgasm. Granted you’d never know what you’re missing if you never had it, but why wouldn’t you want to do something that could make something else even better?

For those women out there who have been contemplating masturbation but haven’t quite worked up the nerve to actually do it, I’d say go for it. After all, what do have to lose?

For those women who are inexperienced at masturbating, I would suggest learning how to climax by hand first before moving onto the toys. This is because it’s a lot harder to learn how to masturbate by hand after using toys to do the job. You tend to become dependant of the toys and won’t learn anything this way. Remember that the whole purpose for masturbation is to learn how to achieve an orgasm by yourself.

Unlike men who are visually stimulated, woman can usually imagine a scenario that will get them off. That’s not to day that men can’t do the same, but they tend to be more visually stimulated by nature and will take longer to climax without the help of a visual aide.

Use any fantasy that you might have (and don’t say you don’t have one because we all do), go lie down and let your imagination and fingers do the work. Stimulation to the clitoris is key to achieving an orgasm. A very common method for masturbation is the “Stop and Go”, which men tend to do frequently. The “Stop and Go” is when you begin to masturbate and when you feel close to orgasm, you stop for a little while, then resume once again. For men, this serves two purposes:

1. It allows them to learn how to control their penis from reaching orgasm/ejaculation too quickly.

2. It makes the orgasm even stronger which in turn enhances the pleasure.

As woman, there’s no such thing as reaching an orgasm to quick (you got to love that part of the double standard), therefore only reason number two of the “Stop and Go” applies to us.

Once you get comfortable with masturbating by hand, then you can move on to the toys. They’re lots of fun and can help give your orgasm a kick by intensifying them, as well as letting you feel different types of orgasms.

For those of you who don’t know, all orgasms are not alike. Orgasms by oral sex feel different than orgasms from intercourse, etc.

Still not convinced that you should masturbate?

Here’s something I’m sure a lot of people don’t know: As I stated in “Here I Cum”, only a reported 30% of woman can achieve orgasm from penetration alone, and I’m damn near certain that the number is much lower then that. Meaning that the only way a woman can reach orgasm is by stimulating the clitoris either by doing it herself or having her partner do it.

Here’s the thing: Masturbation increases fertility. Sound crazy? Let me explain. A female orgasm serves two purposes, not including pleasure:

1. When a female has an orgasm, the conditions of her vagina and cervix change making it more favorable for implantation to occur during intercourse.

2. During an orgasm, the female’s lower pelvis region begins to contract, thus pulling the sperm towards the cervix which, once again, leads to a higher chance of becoming pregnant.

So if you’re a woman who is trying to become pregnant, then you might want to start exercising your hand on your clitoris.

As you can see, masturbation serves more purposes then you were probably even aware of. The bottom line is, no matter how you word it: Masturbation is Fundamental. So go out and masturbate today!

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Nigerian 419 Scam

In response to my posting on craigslist.com, I received quite a few interesting “job offers”.

This is one of the emails I received:
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Notice how unprofessional the email is. I would think that if this was a legit opportunity that the email would have been a lot more formal, don’t you think? Also notice how he writes. It’s pretty obvious to me that English is not his native language. I don’t know about you, but I smell a scam.

No matter. I decided to write back to the scammer anyways. I like pissing them off:
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Maybe some of you aren’t familiar with the Nigerian 419 scam, so I guess I should fill you in. The Nigerian 419 scam, also known as “Advance fee fraud” tries to target victims living in the U.S. by trying to convince the potential victim that the scammer is a legit business man who needs help transferring money and/or goods from the U.S. to another country.

The scammer will often claim that they live in the U.K., Canada, Paris or some other country that the potential victim thinks is “safe”. They also lie about their location so that they potential victim won’t question why the scammer can’t send the money and/or goods themselves. (Think about it. How much sense would it make for a person who lives in the U.S. to ask another person living in the U.S. to send goods to another country?)

They will always ask that any money they ask you to transfer is sent through Western Union. I know what you’re thinking: why would anyone send money to some stranger in a foreign country?

Well this is because the scammer will always lead you to believe that this is a legit business deal and will convince the potential victim that the payout at the end of the transaction is way more then the mere thousands that they ask you to send. They will also claim that some of these “fees” are to cover legal documents that are standard in these proceedings.

There are a lot of different variants to this scam. It ranges from emails for a work-at-home opportunity, lottery scams, emails claiming that you are the next of kin of some person you’ve never heard of but has left you an excessively large inheritance, romance scams, the list goes on and on.

I get a ton of these types of emails on a daily basis. Luckily they usually go straight to my spam folder and don’t take up space in my inbox.

Be sure to never respond to these types of emails. Some of these guys can be pretty convincing from what I’ve heard.

Just remember the general rule: If it seems too good to be true… it probably is…

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Why I Hate Dr. Phil and Oprah

Dr. Phil and Oprah have to be 2 of the worse talk shows to ever to hit the airwaves. I’m not referring to the old Oprah shows, those were pretty good. It’s the new Oprah shows that I can’t stand. Dr. Phil, on the other hand, has pretty much always sucked.

Even though I really don’t care for Dr. Phil's show, I have to admit that Dr. Phil has made some of the greatest talk show commercials that I’ve seen to entice the viewers at home to “Tune in next time, on the next Dr. Phil”. But then again, he is a psychologist so it’s not really that surprising. I’m sure he knows exactly how to have a show edited so that in the commercials it looks intriguing and interesting enough that a viewer will want to tune in, even if we don’t like him or his show. I personally think that he’s a shitty talk show psychologist. But hey, I guess you can’t win them all.

I don’t know if I’m the only who’s noticed that Dr. Phil’s show is filled with more commercials breaks in one hour then most T.V. movies have in 2 hours. Not to mention that the show never really seems to progress.

It usually goes something like this:

Dr. Phil: Let’s meet Dick who’s been having an ongoing affair with his wife’s 19-year-old sister, and his wife, Jane. Now Dick, tell me how this affair with your wife’s sister started.

Dick: Well my wife’s sister moved in with us last year, and one day we were both home alone together, and I dunno. One thing led to another…

Dr. Phil: So you’re telling me that you thought it was okay to sleep with you wife’s sister simply because the two of you were home alone together?

Dick: Ummm, no Dr. Phil. I’m just saying that I made a mistake and I wasn’t thinking I guess.

Dr. Phil: Now I maybe a country boy, but that sounds like a whole lotta horse manure to me. I gotta go to commercial, but we’re gonna get to the bottom of this… When we come back.

This basically goes on throughout the show. It’s all pretty repetitive and nothing ever progresses. Now I know that most of these people on the show can't have their life problems solved in one hour, though with all the commercial breaks I’d say that the shows running time is more likely closer to 30-40 minutes, but come on.

You hooked me with the commercial and now I’m watching the show and I get no more information about the people on the show or their problem then what I already saw on the commercial.

Dr. Phil, get your shit together. I’m a little more then annoyed with your show right about now. You’re wife is pretty hot. Too hot for you if you ask me, which leads me to believe that you may actually know a thing or two about psychology if you’ve been able to keep her around as long as you have. Plus, as I already mentioned, the commercials are fantastic. You’ve got potential, that’s for sure. Interesting story lines and great commercials. The problem is you! You suck as a host. If you say you’re going get to the bottom of it, then please, by all means, GET TO THE BOTTOM OF IT! This is why we watch. To see you get to the bottom of it. So get to the bottom of it or get off the air. Stop misleading the public.

Now, onto Oprah. I haven’t always had a problem with Oprah. She was actually pretty good at one time. But this new Oprah who’s been hosting since the late 90’s I think, well I’ll put it frankly; she sucks ass.

I guess I shouldn’t be so surprised that Dr. Phil sucks ass since it was Oprah who put his ass on the air to begin with. Apple don’t fall too far from the tree, if you know what I mean.

What pisses me off about Oprah is that she always finds a way to turn any one of her shows, regardless of subject matter, and finds a way to incorporate some story about herself and how horrible her childhood was or some other life altering story.

A typical Oprah show usually goes down like this:

Oprah: Now let’s welcome Sue onto the show. Sue was sexually molested by an uncle at 13 and found herself pregnant by this same uncle and kicked out of her home. So, Sue. Tell me about what happened.

Sue: Well I was very close to my uncle from the time I was very young and he had never tried to do anything to me before. Then during the summer when I was 13, we were out swimming in the back yard while my mom was at work and he started to touch my breast and...

Oprah: You felt ashamed and helpless, didn’t you?

Sue: Well I was surprised at first, but…

Oprah: You know the thing is, I was molested by an uncle at a very young age and I remember feeling so hopeless and ashamed. I’m sure that you didn’t tell anyone right away, did you?

Sue: No, I didn’t, but…

Oprah: Cause you know I didn’t tell anyone in my family for a long time. It was when I was writing my first book as an adult that I realized that I needed to share this horrible secret with my family. So tell me about finding out that you were pregnant by your uncle.

Sue: Well, it was about 3 months after he had molested me, and I wasn’t really feeling well…

Oprah: Yes, I’m sure. Very tragic. You know the thing is, I found myself pregnant at a young age, too. I was about 14 years-old. The molestation had made me rebel and subsequently I became very promiscuous. It was very hard on me, you know? That was a very bad time in my life. Well that’s all we have time for today. On tomorrows show, Toilet Paper. What’s the right way to hang it? Over or under? I prefer it over, but we’ll get to the tomorrow. Be sure to buy a copy of my magazine. Guess who’s on the cover this month? No, it’s not Tyra Banks. It’s me!

Are you beginning to understand why I can’t stand her talk show? I mean, damn I know it’s the Oprah show, but last time I checked the show wasn’t suppose to be all about Oprah.

I don’t know if Oprah knows this or not, so maybe someone should tell her. Might as well be me…

Hey, Oprah! Guess what? You’re a fucking celebrity! We already know all your dirty laundry. Not to mention that you did write a tell-all book. You don’t need to keep talking about yourself on every episode of your show. We don’t need to know anymore about your fucked up childhood or how you became a whore at 12-years-old or that your 20 year relationship with Stedman is on the rocks... yet again. Be the host of your show and let your guest actually get a word in from time to time without interrupting them by adding your own personally feelings about how it felt when you were in their situation. You CAN’T host the show AND be the guest.

Oh how I long for the talk shows that actually mean something, like the Maury show for example. Four out of five days of the week, we know that Maury is going to have paternity test shows. The fifth day of the week is either going to be “Cheating Lovers”, “Is it a Man or Woman?”, “Odd Couples”, “Violent Teens”, “Overweight Babies”, or “Exotic Animals with Jack Hannah”

I love those paternity test shows. Now that’s what a talk show is supposed to be about: DRAMA!

The minute the girl on stage declares to the guy, “I’m 1000% sure that you’re my baby daddy”, I’m 10,000% sure that he ISN’T.

You’ve got one girl who’s slept with 10 guys and I think we all know by now that none of the 10 guys on that stage is going to be the baby’s daddy. NEXT!

She comes back on the show 5 more times for a grand total of 32 men having been tested for the paternity of her child, when it’s all said and done. Turns out the baby daddy was her own half-brother that she had no idea even existed, but had met and had sex with him one night at a party cause she was so wasted. *GASP*

“Oh my God! You’re my baby daddy and my half-brother?! NO, NO, NO!”, she screams.

Then she runs off stage, crying hysterically and throws herself onto the floor backstage, while Maury tries to console her and offer her words of wisdom of some sort.

Now that’s a good talk show…

And you are… NOT THE FATHER!

Reasons That People Lie On Their Resumes

I am pretty frustrated with my whole job situation, or lack there of. I really need a job with some sort of reliable paycheck. I had hoped that I would be working soon after earning my Associates degree because we’re broke as hell and really need the money to catch on the bills, but that thus far, just hasn’t been the case.

I have posted my resumes everywhere from monster.com to dcjobs.com and everywhere else in between. I haven’t received any phone calls or emails from any of the potential employers that I was hoping would hire me. I'm certain that this is because they notice right off the bat that I only have an Associate degree that isn't worth the god damn paper it's printed on, and no experience in the field I'm applying for.

The funny thing is, I actually believed that earning my degree, even if it was only a 2-year degree would help me land some kind of decent job, but I've come to see how wrong I was.

I finally came to realize that there is a very valid reason for why people lie on their resumes.

People have been lying on their resumes for probably just as long as the whole idea of creating a resume was thought of to begin with. Now what really pisses me off about the whole resume thing is that I know I’m lying off my ass, and I’m just as certain that the employer is aware that I’m lying my off my ass, so what exactly is the purpose of creating this whole resume to begin with?

Obviously, not everyone lies on their resume. There are some people who have legit resumes, but those people also tend to be middle aged and have probably already lied on their resume at some point and time of their lives. In all honesty, I think that maybe about 90% of people lie on their first resume. After all, we do all start off with no job experience. It’s not like we’re born into the world already working so you got to start somewhere.

So then the dilemma becomes that they job seeker has no prior job experience and the job they want requires that they have at least a year or sometimes more experience in the field.

So what are you to do? Well, they’ve kind of put you in a situation that you’re going to have to lie. What other choice do you have? You can’t just send in a blank resume, or a resume that only gives your educational background.

No, no. Employers want to see that you’ve actually held a job, which is why they probably ask you for references in the first place, although I’m sure the employer is well aware that your references most likely include your aunt, uncle and grandmother.

And yet, we continue to play this game. I continue to edit my resume for the type of job I’m looking for, and the employer will ask me questions about my past employer just to see if I’m good at lying under the spot light and can remember all the lies listed on my resume.

If I get all my lies right during the interview then I have a pretty good shot at being hired. If I stumble and forget things, then I’ve just discredited myself as a potential candidate since I’ve just proven myself to be a bad liar.

It’s a shame that this is how the game works since most people only need but one chance to prove themselves as being more then capable of doing a job correctly and efficiently regardless of educational background. But we’re all not that lucky enough to get that one chance. So for all of us out there who haven’t been able to get that break we need to excel, we will continue to lie on our resumes until you let us get at least one foot in the door.

In the heat of the moment of my frustration, I placed an ad on craigslist.com in the resume section. I doubt that it will help any in my job search, but after looking through all the other boring resumes, I’m sure that mine will stand out and give at least give someone a good laugh.

This is what I posted:
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What are Your Credentials?

Last night, Billy goes to open house at his daughter’s school. For whatever reason, he felt the need to fill me in on the teacher for the new school year. He starts by telling me that she seemed pretty nice and how he liked her because she seemed like a teacher who is passionate about her job.

He goes on to say that the teacher, upon introducing herself, gives the parents in her classroom a little bit of background information about herself. She states that she has been married for 3 years, though she and her husband have been together for a total of 9 years, and is currently pregnant with their first child. She is scheduled to take maternity leave sometime in March. She's been teaching at the school for 8 years, though she only counts 7 since her first year she was working at the school as an intern. She also happed to mention that she had graduated from University of Maryland, and had attained a master’s degree.

Billy turns to me and says, “She seems very educated. What can you say about your credentials?”

I have to admit that I was a little pissed off if not somewhat insulted. I even got that little bubbly feeling in the pit of my stomach. I like referring to it as “The Bad Red Bubbles”, most commonly known a rage.

I mean, even I have to admit that I don’t have the greatest work history. So I thought for a second while I tried to remember all the jobs I had worked in the past and then replied to him, “Well I worked as a cashier for 3 months, I was a waitress for like a week, I work at Old Navy for a day, oh and I worked at Barnes & Nobles for a day, too. I once got hired by Home Depot but I couldn't take the job since at that time I couldn't pass the drug test. I’ve been a stripper, a bartender; I worked as a lifeguard for 3 consecutive summers. I also worked doing that promotional thing, remember? Yeah, I know you remember. I went to hair school for 2 months then dropped out, oh and of course I’ve been working as a phone sex actress for the last year. I have a fucking Associates degree from a god damn shitty ass community college that ain’t even worth the fucking paper it’s printed on, so there you go! There go my fucking credentials!”

How you like them credentials, jackass?!

Of course Billy tried to cover his ass by claiming that he didn’t mean it like that, but then again, who really wants to admit to just being an asshole?

But I guess Billy can only be Billy. What can you do?

I’ve got shitty credentials, and though I was already well aware of that, Billy, in his Billy-like manner, must’ve felt the need to remind me.

Well, at least I can always work on attaining a higher degree, but Billy… Well Billy’s going to have to deal with paying me a ridiculous amount of child support every month if he doesn’t start learning how to humor me, LOL.

Get your shit together, Billy! Humoring your girlfriend is part of being in a relationship. It’s actually more of a requirement and I don’t think you want to learn what happens to men who don’t learn how to humor their wives or girlfriends. I can guarantee you that it’s not pretty. Now if Billy was smart, he’d make sure to make his way over to the flower shop sometime today to make it up to me.

Guys, make sure you think before you open your stupid little mouths. Billy could’ve honestly made his comment in innocence, but his mistake was telling me all about this teachers high credentials and then asking me for my own, even though he already knew them. And yes, the fact that the teacher was a female did make all the different in the world.

Women don’t like being compared to other woman, that is unless we come out looking better then the other woman. So there’s something for all you men to think about.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Angry Girlfriends Guide to the Female Orgasm

The secret to a woman’s orgasm is something that has eluded men, (and yes, even some women) for centuries.

Unlike a man’s sexual organ, a woman’s sexual organ is concealed. This could be part of the reason why the female orgasm has been so elusive to so many. With a penis, it’s all out there in the open. No secret tricks. You know exactly what you’re dealing with, and how to handle it.

I should probably point out that ejaculating and an orgasm are not the same, contrary to popular beliefs.

Ejaculation is when fluid is discharged from a penis (semen) or vagina (the exact source of what fluid is ejaculated from a woman’s vagina is still being debated).

For a man, ejaculation is usually accompanied by an orgasm, although it is possible for a man to ejaculate without having and orgasm and vise versa.

For woman, ejaculation is usually caused by pressure applied to the g-spot which is located in the front vaginal wall, and in my personal experience, there’s about a 50/50 chance that an orgasm will soon follow.

An orgasm is the intense feeling of physical pleasure that is caused by muscle contractions in the lower pelvis region.

So now that we have those basic definitions covered, onto the topic at hand: The female orgasm and how to achieve it.

The simplest way to for a female to achieve an orgasm is by stimulating the clitoris. Sorry to break it to you guys, but all that thrusting in and out, really doesn’t do much for us. Don’t get me wrong. It feels great and all, but truth be known, only about 30% of woman can achieve and orgasm through penetration alone, though I believe it to be much less then that.

So how do you create that stimulation that we need to climax?

Well, oral sex is always a plus. Most women enjoy the feeling of cunnilingus and chances are she will be more then happy to reciprocate the favor to a man with a gifted tongue.

Hand jobs are also a great way to stimulate the clitoris, though I should remind you that focus should be kept on the clitoris. We do enjoy fingering, but that alone isn’t going to get us to climax. Think clitoris.

Rubbing on the clitoris during intercourse will also get the job done and is much appreciated. Some woman, if not shy, will also be more then happy to masturbate themselves while you guys do the thrusting.

Now there is one loophole to having a woman achieve orgasm through penetration which doesn’t involve anything other then a good hard dick: woman on top, also known as riding.

When a woman is riding a man, friction between the clitoris and the man’s pubic hair will normally cause enough stimulation to the clitoris for a woman to achieve orgasm (and I bet you guys thought that your pubic hairs served no purpose).

So guys, trim. Don’t shave. We need your pubic hairs.

Follow these simple rules and you can almost rest assure that we didn't fake an orgasm. And no matter what you think, believe me, you really can't tell whether or not we faked it because we're just that good at it.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Warning: May Cause Side Effects

I know that most of us have been at home watching T.V. when one of these commercials comes on:

"Have you been feeling withdrawn even in the company of friends and family? Do you often feel alone, exhausted, anxious, and hopeless? Do the things you once loved feel meaningless to you? You may be suffering from depression. Prozac can help".

They go on to mention some stats about depression and how only your doctor can diagnosis you, so go see your doctor right away.

Then comes my favorite part. The part were they mention all the drug side effects in such rapid succession that you sit there questioning yourself, "Did they just say that diarrhea, suicide and hallucinations are possible side effects?"

I love those commercials. They crack me up every time.

To most people, these commercials may seem humorous in nature, but the fact is that for the people who are taking these prescription drugs, some of those side effects are all too real.

Let’s take a look of some of the most common drugs on the market and their side effects:

Prozac: Anxiety, restlessness, mania/hypomania, seizures, suicide, impaired judgment, agitation, amnesia, confusion, emotional lability, apathy, depersonalization, hallucinations, hostility, paranoid reaction, personality disorder, delusions.

Cardiac side effects: hemorrhage, hypertension, angina, arrhythmias, congestive heart failure, heart attack, rapid heart beat, atrial fibrillation, cerebral embolism, heart block.

Zoloft: Mania/hypomania, suicide, agitation, anxiety, emotional lability, apathy, paranoid reactions, hallucinations, aggressive reactions, delusions, illusion.

Cardiac side effects: heart palpitations, chest pain, hypertension, rapid heartbeat, dizziness, syncope, fluid retention, heart attack.

Paxil: Mania/hypomania, impaired judgment, agitation, depression, anxiety, drugged feeling, depersonalization, amnesia, emotional lability, abnormal thinking, hallucinations, lack of emotion, hostility, manic reaction, neurosis, paranoid reaction, antisocial reaction, delirium, delusions, drug dependence, stupor.

Cardiac side effects: hypertension, rapid heartbeat, syncope; EKG abnormalities, angina, heart attack.


Norpramine: Psychiatric disturbances, seizures, anxiety, hallucinations, restlessness, agitation, nightmares, insomnia, confusion, tremors.

Cardiac side effects: Sudden death in children, heart attack, heart block, stroke, arrhythmias, rapid heart rate.

Wellbutrin: Agitation, anxiety, restlessness, delusions, hallucinations, psychotic episodes, confusion, paranoia, mania, seizures, hostility, depression, depersonalization, mood instability, thought disorder, suicidal ideation.

Cardiac side effects: edema, chest pain, EKG abnormalities, shortness of breath, heart attack.

Scary, isn’t it? I should probably let you know that the doctors claim that the chances of some of these side effects are usually pretty rare, but I feel bad for those few unlucky bastards who do experience one of these over-the-top side effects.

But let’s just think about it. Imagine that one day you’re at work with Bob. Bob is relaxed and working hard on the job when suddenly he runs into your cubicle yelling, "My skin is peeling off! Little pink mushroom worms are crawling under my skin! They're EATING ME!!!"

You're sitting there freaking out, wondering what kind of psycho's are you working with, when Nosey Mary, (you know, that one person in the office who knows everything about everyone), walks over to your cubicle and explains, "Oh don't worry about Bob. He's on Prozac. Those are just some of the side effects. No biggie".

"No biggie?" You're thinking to yourself. "The man thinks that little pink mushrooms are crawling under his skin, and I'm supposed to think no biggie?"

But what can you do? Shit happens. It's just a little side effect to the much needed Prozac that Bob MUST take.

Unfortunately for Bob and the people who work with him, the psychiatrists of today are too quick to misdiagnose patients and give them drugs for a disorder they don't have. Meaning that Bob might not suffer from depression to begin with, and yet here he is taking a drug that gives him hallucinations as a side effect just because the psychiatrist thought Bob met the criteria for depression as stated by the DSM-IV, and never really bothered to get more background information on Bob’s mental history.

Poor Bob is having hallucinations for taking a prescribed drug that he didn’t need in the first place and may now become a danger to himself and others if not taking off the drug soon.

For those people who are correctly diagnosed and placed on one of these drugs, as I have already stated, rest easy knowing that doctors claim that the number of patients who actually suffer from side effects is relatively low, though I don’t know how trustworthy these doctors really are to begin with if they are misdiagnosing so many patients.

If you or a person you know has been diagnosed with mental disorder that requires you to take one of the many drugs out on the market, make sure to get a second opinion first. I’d feel much more comfortable taking prescription drugs with side effects so wild that they could very well just push me that much closer to the edge, if I could only be reassured by two shrinks that I’m crazy as opposed to just one.

Also, be sure to read the labels and ask lots of questions. Just cause you’re crazy, doesn’t mean that you don’t have the right to ask your doctor or pharmacist questions about the drugs that they’re asking you, (and in some cases, forcing you) to ingest.

There are many more drugs with just as many side effects, but I think you get the point so I'll leave it at this. Like I said earlier, read the labels and ask lots of questions.

And by all means, if you're already on a prescribed drug and happen to be one of the unlucky ones who experience some kind of psychosis as a side effect, consult your doctor right away and let him know that you don’t mind being bipolar, so long as you can get the rabid monkey who lives in your closet to stop chasing after you every night.

Unless you’re a schizophrenic (who, as part of the disorder, is already suffering from hallucinations and severe psychosis to begins with), there maybe other alternatives other then taking prescription drugs. Just be sure to ask!

Thursday, September 13, 2007

To Blog or Not To Blog?

It just occurred to me that I don't have as much to say as I thought I did. It's like the minute I started up this blog, whatever it was that I wanted to say, or thought was so important to write about suddenly seems so meaningless.

Just look at the last 2 blogs I posted. One of them was something that I had originally written years ago and yet I reposted it just for the sake of feeling as if I'm contributing to... you know I really don't even know what the purpose of me reposting that blog was. Ditto goes for the other blog about my aunt and her husband. I mean that whole incident happened like 10 months ago.

Let's face it... I suck. I have nothing better to do. I'm sitting here looking for ways to keep myself from having to get a job in the real world by trying to convince myself that I'm this great writer with tons of things to say when the truth is that my writings are about as average as they come and I'm never going to make a living off of writing.

I need to wake up and get off my ass and go put that 2-year degree to use. Although I must admit, having a 2-year degree really hasn't open the door for me career wise any more then having a high school diploma.

I really don't see myself working a 9-5 for the rest of my life either, so I guess I'm going to have to become a little more creative about how to dodge the working force with all the other adults in their suits and ties, and all that other crap that I don't want any part of.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Red Panda

This is an old blog I wrote before blogging was the 'in-thing' to do. It's pretty funny, well at least to me it is. I'm guessing that I wrote this blog back sometime in 2002 or 2003. I had originally posted this on one of my many migente.com pages. This one was posted under the user name S0RAYA.

I remember writing this because the media was making a such a huge deal about the Red Panda coming to The National Zoo in Washington, D.C. I had never seen nor ever heard of the Red Panda and when they finally showed what the Red Panda looked like on T.V., I was pretty pissed off.

So here's my old blog on the Red Panda:

This Weeks Topic: The Red Panda

I know this topic seems odd, but seriously, what is the big deal over these ‘Red Pandas’?

Let’s be for real here. They’re not really pandas at all. They sure don’t look like pandas. They look more like Red Raccoons, and what’s so great about a raccoon that the Zoo feels the need to put them on display?

I think the Zoo is scamming people. They’re trying to charge people to see some raccoons that they probably caught digging around in the garbage cans. Then they take the little bastards and dye their fur red, find an empty cage where some other animal has probably just dropped dead and label them 'Red Pandas'.

People walk by theses cages and see 'Red Pandas' and are like 'Wow. Look, Bob. A Red Panda, never seen one of those before. I didn’t even know there was a Red Panda.’

Well no shit, you dumb ass! That’s cause they’re not fucking Pandas at all!! They’re Raccoons!!

Let’s examine the evidence now shall we?

Exhibit #1: Here we have an ordinary Panda

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Exhibit #2: Now this is what the zoo wants us 2 believe is a 'Red Panda'

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Exhibit #3: Now here is a regular Raccoon


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Now I ask you all to sit there and ask yourselves; is the 'Red Panda' really a panda at all?

I think the pictures speak for themselves...*snickers* yea right, 'Red Pandas' my ass...

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Gotta Love Family

This is an email that I received from my aunt and her husband at the beginning of this year. It really pissed me off because I had had such a shitty year which my aunt had known about and yet she allowed her husband to send me this crappy ass email telling me about their wonderful year.

I've blanked out their faces from the photos just to be nice, though I didn't bother to change their names. I've also created a video highliting the key elements of the whole ordeal in case you're too lazy to read the emails.

video
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Belated Seasons Greetings 2006

This has been an eventful year for Bert and Soralla, beginning with our wedding and ending with house renovations that kept us living out of boxes until last weekend. Thus, it was difficult to get cards out on time, so we are sending this belated greeting through e-mail.

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We began the year with a destination wedding. We spent a week in Punta Cana, Dominican Republic. A small group of friends and family joined us on this trip and had a great time on the sunny beaches of the Caribbean in an all inclusive resort. We drank lots of mamajuana, the native drink, and went on a couple of excursions, but spent most of the time enjoying the resort facilities and preparing for the wedding, which happened toward the end of the trip. Soralla’s mom was her maid of honor and Bert’s son Joshua was his best man. It took a few months to get the marriage license and then translate it into English and Soralla’s official name now is Soralla F***********.

We had another great short weekend trip in March to New York, where we bought a time share associated with the Hilton. With all the other travel we’ve been doing, we haven’t had a chance to go back there, but we used the points for a few days in Texas this summer and have been racking up points to use for future vacations.

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The sad news of the year was the death of Bert’s mother in June. She has been ill and bedridden for several years and spent her last years surrounded by family in the home of his sister Altah. Thankfully she died peacefully in her sleep. The family all went to Texas to bury her in the small town of Cuero next to Bert’s father. Since we were there, and Soralla had never been to Texas before, we decided to stay a few days longer. We had a nice hotel room at the San Antonio Hilton, overlooking the Riverwalk. We enjoyed the Mexican influence of the area, along with the Venice-type atmosphere of the river. We went on to spend a couple of days in Austin where we were able to visit with Bert’s cousins and Soralla’s aunt, uncle and cousin.

In August, we went to Miami and bough a second home for Soralla’s mother. This is actually the first home we have owned together. We spent half the week looking at townhouses and the rest visiting her mom, going to the beach, etc. In September we went back for a long weekend for settlement. Her mother and boyfriend are enjoying this new home immensely.

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Then in November, Bert’s daughter Ann-Marie got married. This was another destination wedding, this time in Playa del Carmen, Mexico, on the Yucatan peninsula. This was the first time meeting Ann-Marie’s new in-laws. We became daredevils on this trip. We went on a zip line through the jungle, repelled down a sinkhole into a cave, snorkeled and went parasailing. We also took a side trip to Cozumel and the Mayan ruins at Tulum. We also enjoyed all the howler monkeys, agoutis and iguanas that roamed the resort.

Right after we returned from Mexico, Soralla started her new job as Budget Manager of the Baltimore City Public School System. She has jumped right in, working on next year’s budget, and is enjoying the challenge.

For a lot of the fall we have been living in cramped quarters as everything on our first floor has been moved up or down so that the whole floor can be remodeled. This has taken longer than we ever thought and we especially missed having a kitchen. We never thought we could get tired of eating out, but it got old after a while. It is just now getting finished and we had our first breakfast in it 2 days before Christmas. That same day, we got a Christmas tree, which is now the only piece of furniture in the room.

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We are now looking forward to our first anniversary next month, as well as to another wonderful and exciting year together. We wish you and your family a happy and prosperous new year.


Bert and Soralla


(Imagine, even the saddest part of their year turns into a vacation, that of course was wonderful. Good for them! Must be nice to be so well off!)

As I stated, my year had been pretty rough, and I really didn't see the point in them throwing all this shit in my face. I'm not normally such a cynical person, nor am I jealous, but come on, have some respect for those of us who aren't as fortunate to turn our bad moments into another vacation getaway.

I had to respond to this email, and I kid you not, it must've taken me about 10 minutes to write my own little reply to the happy couple. This is the email I sent them:


Happy Fucking New Year!

Here's a little recap of 2006 just for you!

I'm sure you remember that we bought a house. But that was in December of 2005 so that's don't count. In January, my whole family flew out to Punta Cana, DR for a Soralla and Bert's fabulous wedding (well so I heard it was fabulous). I wouldn't know for sure because I couldn't attend since I was broke and all after buying a new house and Christmas had just passed. Mind you I only had $200 to spend that Christmas to begin with, so I don't have to really tell you how broke I was. From what I heard about the wedding, sounds like everyone had a blast. Everyone except me who was still stuck here, in the States, but whatever.


Sometime in February, Billy took out a loan on his Saab without my knowledge cause apparently we were already going through some financial difficulties that I wasn't aware of since he never told me. Citibank appraised his car at $10,000 and gave him a loan for that amount. Of course with interest and all, he'll have to repay them $15,000. I probably should've known we'd have financially difficulties early on since he was only making $14/hr and our mortgage was $1700/mo. You do the math.

By March, he had managed to get himself quite a raise. $20/hr! But with a $1700 monthly mortgage and other bills... Go ahead... You do the math.

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In a month, the $10,000 loan was gone. Yep! All gone. What did it get spent on? I'll give you one guess. BILLS. Ain't that some shit!

But our whole year wasn't shitty. In February, we found out that Billy's sister Glenda was pregnant with 'oooppps baby' number 2. And later in March, my own sister admitted to also being pregnant with baby number 2. What a coincidence since they were both pregnant together the 1st time around!

In May, nothing eventful happened to me cause I was too fucking broke to celebrate my birthday. However, on May 22, 2006, Glenda married Fredo at the courthouse. It wasn't the way the couple had planned to marry, but Glenda didn't have any health insurance, and wasn't eligible for Medicaid since the new law, (Thanks to President Bush), states that anyone who didn't have their greencard prior to June 2003 is no longer eligible to apply for Medicaid. Glenda got her greencard in August of 2003, just missing the deadline by 2 months. So she and Fredo married so that his health insurance from his job could cover her. Congrats on the wedding, guys! I was the only witness at the wedding and we didn't really get a chance to take photos since we were in and out in about 5 minutes.

Oh well, Ce'st la Vie. We can't all have big fancy weddings in Punta Cana, DR, now can we?

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June was a pretty eventful month. We took a trip to Myrtle Beach. We got to go free since it was one of those Timeshare things. God knows that's the only way we can afford a vacation. It was great though, probably one of the highlights of my year.

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Later in June, Elena gave birth to her second child, Tayla. Of course I couldn't be there cause I was too fucking broke to fly out to L.A.

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In July, we missed our first mortgage payment. Turns out that little vacations in Myrtle Beach would have bigger repercussions then we thought.

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In August, we celebrated Angel's 1st birthday. What a miracle that either of us made it through our 1st year together.
We also missed our 2nd mortgage payment in a row.
I took a job with Cantrell, Inc. who runs a series of phone sex services, to help pay bills.

However, somehow, in September we were able to pay off our mortgage for that month, but then things took a turn for the worse.

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In October we missed our 3rd mortgage payment and we were facing foreclosure. This was definitely our low point of the year as we had no money and had no idea how the hell we were going to get out of this situation. We ended up having to ask various family members for help cause we were so desperate. Luckily we got out asses out that hole. Great Halloween picture of Angel and Oscar, though.

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In November, we were so broke from paying 3 months of backed up mortgage that we fell behind on all of our other bills. So now we're trying to play catch up with those bills, and we have bill collectors calling us like 5 times a day. Oh yea, and Glenda gave birth to her 2nd child. Congrats.

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See this empty corner? This is where our Christmas tree would've gone, but we were too broke to buy a tree so the corner stayed empty and Christmas this year didn't even bother coming to our house. After such a long bad year with all our financial issues, the Christmas spirit must've died on it's way cause we never felt it. Oh by the way Soralla, thanx for the Snoopy Christmas Ornament. I'll be sure to hang it on my invisible Christmas tree.

Oh and my grades for the semester are on hold cause I couldn't pay my tuition, so I own PGCC like $500 or I won't find out my grade or be able to enroll for the coming semester.

It's nice to see that all the White People in White America are doing so well. Just the way Bush wanted it. Congratulations on turning white. That seems to be your biggest accomplishment of the year.

I'm sure I won't always be so financially unstable, but whenever I do get my shit together, I'll make sure not to send people newsletters at the end of the year to remind them of what a shitty year they had.


Soraya
Happy Fucking New Year!


Some people claim that I was a little too evil and cynical. I didn't mean to be, but I just couldn't help myself. I felt that if they wanted to share with me how great their year was, maybe I should share with them how crappy my year was with them.

Sending them this email actually served me 2 purposes:

1. They both felt so guilty about what I crappy year I had had that they ended up paying the $500 that I owed my school to release my grades.

2. They took me off their mailing list, ensuring that I will never receive another email about their oh-so-wonderful life.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Say NO to Wirefly.com!

I had been a customer to Cingular's Pay-as-You-Go phone service for over 3 years when I finally decided to upgrade to a real plan. I was tired of my crappy Motorola Razr V3 and needed a new phone but I think we all know how expensive it can be to purchase a new phone unless you sign a new 2-year-contract with one of the major cell phone providers.

My boyfriend was also in need of a new cell phone, so we decided to get on a family plan so that we would both get new phones at very low price, if not free. A friend or a co-worker had told him about Wirefly.com who offered very low prices on cell phones when you sign a 2-year-contract with any of the major cell phone providers.

Looking through wirefly.com's site, we saw a wide range of some of the newest cell phones at really low prices, some were even being offered as free when you sign up. We decided to stick with Cingular who was currently both of our providers. We looked through the site, picked our phones and then gave wirefly.com a call to phone in our orders since we had a few questions that we wanted answered before our final purchase.

Unfortunately, like the majority of all the call centers in the U.S., wifefly.com's call center was stationed in India. So there we were on the phone with some Indian guy who's English was mediocre at best, trying to ask questions about the certain phone features while the Indian guy insist that all the answers to our questions are "yes, yes" and that we should just give him the credit card number to make our final purchase.

By this point, I no longer want to go through with the purchase. This Indian guy has yet to give us any answers to our questions that I would deem as being knowledgeable. But for whatever reason, my boyfriend decides that it's a good idea. I have one final question that I want to ask them before I can feel somewhat at ease about this purchase.

"Do you offer insurance for the phone directly through the provider?"
The Indian man thinks for a second before responding, "Yes, yes. You want insurance. I give you the insurance."
I ask again just to be certain he understood my question, "So you're saying that you'll get us insurance for the phones directly through Cingular?"
Once again he replies, "Yes, yes. You want insurance. I give you the insurance through the Cinglular".

I figured he had understood, so I give my boyfriend the go ahead on the purchase, and the Indian adds on insurance to our purchase.

A few days later, we receive our phones. My boyfriend had ordered the Blackberry Pearl which he had gotten for free, and I had ordered the Palm Treo 680, which after mail-in rebates would've cost $50 (I paid $120). I never got around to the rebates though since there were 3 different rebates, all with different catches and loopholes just to get some of you're money back.

About a month after we had purchased our phones, my son, who was about 18 months at the time, takes my Palm Treo and throws it in the toilet. When I find it, I was in full panic until I remembered that we had bought insurance. Immediately, I call up Cingular to tell them about my ordeal and to get a new phone ASAP. To my horror, when I call, they tell me that they have no record of me purchasing insurance for either phone!

As I tell the customer service rep about my cell phone purchase the month prior, she informs me that I must have insurance through a third party since there is no way that wirefly.com would be able to offer me insurance through Cingular directly.

That fucking Indian had screwed me and I was heated!

I logged on to wirefly.com's site to look for a contact number. I browse through the site, find the number and call them up. I talk to, of course, another Indian guy. I ask him, "Who provides the cell phone insurance for wirefly.com?"
He doesn't seem to know and so he transfers me to yet another Indian guy who should know. I ask this Indian guy the same question, "Who provides the cell phone insurance for wirefly.com?"
He puts me on hold for about a minute then comes back on the line, "NCOA", he replies.
"That's a third party insurer?", I ask.
"Yes, yes. We offer only third party", he says.
"A sales rep told me last month that he you guys offered insurance directly through the provider when I bought my phone last month", I tell him.
"No, no. That is incorrect" he tells me, "We only offer the insurance through the third party".

I continue to question him about the third part insurance. I find out that NCOA, the third party insurance company, only covers phones worth $300 or less, if you have a phone worth more then $300 they will replace the phone with a cheaper phone, and they only replace phones that have been lost or stolen, which in either case would require you to send them a police report.

At this point, I'm pretty pissed off. I've been lied to about my insurance provider and to make it worse, the insurance provider that I do have doesn't even cover my phone!

Luckily, after about a week, my phone dried out and has been working fine ever since. But the whole moral of this story is DON'T BUY A PHONE THROUGH WIREFLY.COM. They are absolutely horrible. I would never recommend anyone buying their phone or phone insurance for that matter, through this company. Save yourself the drama. You'll never get a hold of anyone who speaks good English and whatever questions you ask they will tell you what you want to hear just so that you'll make the purchase. SAY NO TO WIREFLY.COM!!!

Friday, September 7, 2007

Welcome

Hey everyone,

Welcome to my new blog. I decided that I needed a place to come online and vent out all my anger and frustration with the world. Well, that and sometimes I think I have a lot to say about random subjects but no one really cares to hear me.

Now my friends and family wont be subjected to hear me ramble on and on about nothing. They can read it instead! ;)

Hope I can keep you guys entertained!

So maybe I should start by telling you a little bit about myself, just so that you can get to know me a little better.

I'm 26-years-old. Currently I'm a stay-at-home mom and I work part-time from home as a *gasp* phone sex operator (not your typical day job, jeje), I have an associates degree in psychology (I know it's not much, but a 2-year degree is better then no degree at all, right?), I'm currently pursuing my B.A. in psychology so I'm not done with school yet. I'd like to become a sex therapist and I hope to one day become a writer in my field of expertise.

I live with my son, who pees in the toilet standing up and shits all over my carpet (he's 2), my boyfriend who doesn't believe in psychology (but I just happen to know that he suffers from post tramatic stress disorder... shhhhh, don't tell him I told you. He wouldn't believe you anyways), and my Jack Russell, Oscar (don't be fooled by the name... She's a girl).

Well, that's pretty much me in a nut shell.