Reasons That People Lie On Their Resumes

I am pretty frustrated with my whole job situation, or lack there of. I really need a job with some sort of reliable paycheck. I had hoped that I would be working soon after earning my Associates degree because we’re broke as hell and really need the money to catch on the bills, but that thus far, just hasn’t been the case.

I have posted my resumes everywhere from monster.com to dcjobs.com and everywhere else in between. I haven’t received any phone calls or emails from any of the potential employers that I was hoping would hire me. I'm certain that this is because they notice right off the bat that I only have an Associate degree that isn't worth the god damn paper it's printed on, and no experience in the field I'm applying for.

The funny thing is, I actually believed that earning my degree, even if it was only a 2-year degree would help me land some kind of decent job, but I've come to see how wrong I was.

I finally came to realize that there is a very valid reason for why people lie on their resumes.

People have been lying on their resumes for probably just as long as the whole idea of creating a resume was thought of to begin with. Now what really pisses me off about the whole resume thing is that I know I’m lying off my ass, and I’m just as certain that the employer is aware that I’m lying my off my ass, so what exactly is the purpose of creating this whole resume to begin with?

Obviously, not everyone lies on their resume. There are some people who have legit resumes, but those people also tend to be middle aged and have probably already lied on their resume at some point and time of their lives. In all honesty, I think that maybe about 90% of people lie on their first resume. After all, we do all start off with no job experience. It’s not like we’re born into the world already working so you got to start somewhere.

So then the dilemma becomes that they job seeker has no prior job experience and the job they want requires that they have at least a year or sometimes more experience in the field.

So what are you to do? Well, they’ve kind of put you in a situation that you’re going to have to lie. What other choice do you have? You can’t just send in a blank resume, or a resume that only gives your educational background.

No, no. Employers want to see that you’ve actually held a job, which is why they probably ask you for references in the first place, although I’m sure the employer is well aware that your references most likely include your aunt, uncle and grandmother.

And yet, we continue to play this game. I continue to edit my resume for the type of job I’m looking for, and the employer will ask me questions about my past employer just to see if I’m good at lying under the spot light and can remember all the lies listed on my resume.

If I get all my lies right during the interview then I have a pretty good shot at being hired. If I stumble and forget things, then I’ve just discredited myself as a potential candidate since I’ve just proven myself to be a bad liar.

It’s a shame that this is how the game works since most people only need but one chance to prove themselves as being more then capable of doing a job correctly and efficiently regardless of educational background. But we’re all not that lucky enough to get that one chance. So for all of us out there who haven’t been able to get that break we need to excel, we will continue to lie on our resumes until you let us get at least one foot in the door.

In the heat of the moment of my frustration, I placed an ad on craigslist.com in the resume section. I doubt that it will help any in my job search, but after looking through all the other boring resumes, I’m sure that mine will stand out and give at least give someone a good laugh.

This is what I posted:

What are Your Credentials?

Last night, Billy goes to open house at his daughter’s school. For whatever reason, he felt the need to fill me in on the teacher for the new school year. He starts by telling me that she seemed pretty nice and how he liked her because she seemed like a teacher who is passionate about her job.

He goes on to say that the teacher, upon introducing herself, gives the parents in her classroom a little bit of background information about herself. She states that she has been married for 3 years, though she and her husband have been together for a total of 9 years, and is currently pregnant with their first child. She is scheduled to take maternity leave sometime in March. She's been teaching at the school for 8 years, though she only counts 7 since her first year she was working at the school as an intern. She also happed to mention that she had graduated from University of Maryland, and had attained a master’s degree.

Billy turns to me and says, “She seems very educated. What can you say about your credentials?”

I have to admit that I was a little pissed off if not somewhat insulted. I even got that little bubbly feeling in the pit of my stomach. I like referring to it as “The Bad Red Bubbles”, most commonly known a rage.

I mean, even I have to admit that I don’t have the greatest work history. So I thought for a second while I tried to remember all the jobs I had worked in the past and then replied to him, “Well I worked as a cashier for 3 months, I was a waitress for like a week, I work at Old Navy for a day, oh and I worked at Barnes & Nobles for a day, too. I once got hired by Home Depot but I couldn't take the job since at that time I couldn't pass the drug test. I’ve been a stripper, a bartender; I worked as a lifeguard for 3 consecutive summers. I also worked doing that promotional thing, remember? Yeah, I know you remember. I went to hair school for 2 months then dropped out, oh and of course I’ve been working as a phone sex actress for the last year. I have a fucking Associates degree from a god damn shitty ass community college that ain’t even worth the fucking paper it’s printed on, so there you go! There go my fucking credentials!”

How you like them credentials, jackass?!

Of course Billy tried to cover his ass by claiming that he didn’t mean it like that, but then again, who really wants to admit to just being an asshole?

But I guess Billy can only be Billy. What can you do?

I’ve got shitty credentials, and though I was already well aware of that, Billy, in his Billy-like manner, must’ve felt the need to remind me.

Well, at least I can always work on attaining a higher degree, but Billy… Well Billy’s going to have to deal with paying me a ridiculous amount of child support every month if he doesn’t start learning how to humor me, LOL.

Get your shit together, Billy! Humoring your girlfriend is part of being in a relationship. It’s actually more of a requirement and I don’t think you want to learn what happens to men who don’t learn how to humor their wives or girlfriends. I can guarantee you that it’s not pretty. Now if Billy was smart, he’d make sure to make his way over to the flower shop sometime today to make it up to me.

Guys, make sure you think before you open your stupid little mouths. Billy could’ve honestly made his comment in innocence, but his mistake was telling me all about this teachers high credentials and then asking me for my own, even though he already knew them. And yes, the fact that the teacher was a female did make all the different in the world.

Women don’t like being compared to other woman, that is unless we come out looking better then the other woman. So there’s something for all you men to think about.