Thursday, July 31, 2008

I Think They're Watching Me

In a 48 hour period, I had slept a total of about 6 hours. I became paranoid and delusional. I knew that someone was out to get me some I had to stay up and wait for them to come.

I'll get them before they get me.

Those fucking bastards from the HOA were waiting for my to leave my car unattended so that they could slap an orange sticker on it and have those tow truck bastards tow my car away.

But I wasn't going to let that happen. Oh no... Not this time.

Instead, this is what I did:

Tuesday night:

I had 2 good friends stop by. These bitches get down. I mean, really get down. They were up for anything. With a 24 pack of beer in hand, we sat in the parking lot by our cars, waiting... taunting... the HOA fucktards to come out.

We blasted loud music from the car stereo, drank out beers in the open, were as loud as possible, and even peed in the parking lot.

A white lady came out her home. I recognized her as the Grumpy Face Lady. Always frowning, always old, always ugly, and never makes eye contact... till now.

She started at me with her old grumpy face, and I stared right the fuck back as if to say, "Yeah, bitch. I know you know of them".

As soon, as I locked eyes with her, she turned and headed back into her house.

For 4 hours, we waited and though we could here the tow trucks on the other side of the development, they never made their way to my street.

I left for the night and slept over my moms house, but her house is haunted so I didn't really sleep.

Wednesday night:

Again my 2 friends returned with a plus one. I figured partying in the parking lot 2 nights in a row might warrant one of the neighbors to call the cops on me, so we found parking at a nearby undisclosed location and head back to my house.

It's a bit of a walk, but I'm determined not to let these HOA bastards ruin my fun and not allow them to pressure me into paying them.

They wanted a war, they got one.

The sleep deprivation starts to set in and I realize that there's a fine line between insanity and sleep deprivation. Essentially, it's the same thing.

As I listened to the tow trucks hauling car after car on the other side of the development, I sat and waited for them to come to my side. I watched out the window, waiting to see the person who was behind the orange stickers, ready to start a confrontation.

But they never came to my side of the street. I have a feeling that they've been watching me. They knew I hadn't parked my car in the lot so they didn't even bother driving to my side of the street. But I knew they were out there. Watching and waiting.

They probably had no clue that I had found somewhere else to park, which is fine by me. I'll kept watching and as they plan their attacks on me, I'll be ready with a counter attack.

I finally got some sleep last night, but I'm not quite right yet. I know they're watching me and I wont stop until they give up.

They're waiting for me to slip up. Leave me car unattended for even a minute. But I'm not going to do that.

Terry's old and her whole HOA gang is full of more old people who are all possibly senile. Old people just aren't that smart. And fat people, like Terry, don't move so quick. So her whole little HOA posse is going down.

I'm gonna get all of them before they can get me.

Come on, bitches! Bring it on!

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

The Tow Truck Bastard & The Meth Addict

The evil tow truck bastard showed up last night. Much to my surprise, he wasn't alone. Apparently, that HOA bitch, Terry, has decided to "clean house" I guess you could say.

Long story short, 15 tow trucks came out and from about 8 PM - 12 AM. They towed around 60 cars out of our complex. Someone from the HOA was placing orange stickers on all the cars that were delinquent on their HOA fees. They also towed cars that didn't have parking passes on them at all.

Thanks to a neighbor, I caught the evil tow truck bastard as he was hooking up Cornholio's car to the tow truck. I tried to bribe him, discretely of course, not to tow the car.

The fucking son of a bitch tells me, "You have to pay your HOA fees".

I'm like, "Look, you don't have to tow the car, just drop it off at the shoppers, I'll give you $50 and we'll call it a night".

Like some retarded ass zombie, he repeats, "You have to pay your HOA fees".

Obviously, this particular tow truck asshole, was in cahoots with that scanky, cunt, whore, Terry.

I noticed another tow truck driver shaking his head at his fellow tow truck idiot, as if to say, "Man, you fucking stupid. Take the fuckin' money". He didn't say that, but I could tell he wanted to.

I was furious with the tow truck bastard for not taking me up on my deal and made a comment to him something along the lines of, "I didn't realize that they still had slaves. I see how that white bitch owns your sorry ass".

And of course, the slave said, "Don't beat me again, Massa". Actually the fucker repeated his infamous line of the night, " You have to pay your HOA fees". Moron.

I could've potentially have pissed off the tow truck bastard. Most black people would've taken offense to a comment like that. However, this tow truck driver was either a complete moron, or possibly having an affair with Terry, because my comment didn't seem to bother him at all.

I take it back. He couldn't be having an affair with Terry. She's just not that pretty and shes old and fat. The tow truck bastard was just a complete and utter idiot.

So they towed Cornholio's car, but they didn't get mine. I got my keys as they were towing his and another neighbors car and jumped in before another tow truck fucker had the chance to hook my car up.

We followed the tow truck people to the impound, get the car out just as fast as it went it, wasted another $100, then dropped off his car at his job.

However, while we were at the impound, I got wind of what the deal was with the tow truck bastards and found out that they were going to be making a 2nd round to pick up more cars around 5 AM and that they planned to do this all week long.

It was only midnight. My car wasn't safe. When I got home, I stayed in my car for about an hour before deciding that I needed some sleep and to set off my alarm at 4:30Am to potentially save my car if need be.

At 4:30 AM, my alarm goes off. I look out the window and see nothing. No sticker, no tow truck. I reset my alarm to 5 AM, but then I heard it. A tow truck. I look out the window and see a tow truck making rounds on the other side of the complex.

I threw on some pants and some shoes, grab my keys and ran right out the door. I got to me car and see some white guy walking around the complex with something in his hand and realize, he's with the HOA people.

I start the car and leave, really with no plan but to wait it out. I drive around for about 30 minutes, and head back home, but as I'm pulling in the complex, a tow truck driver is leaving... with a a car.

Obviously, they weren't done yet because there was another tow truck pulling into the complex as the other was leaving. So I bucked a U and got the hell outta there.

I head out to the parking lot where Cornholio works. I feel asleep out there for about 45 minutes, then decided to head back home yet again.

On my way home, some crazy, psycho, meth addict jumps into the middle of the road and of course I stop inches away from hitting him. He runs up to my window asking me for a ride, claiming that his car had broken down and a bunch of other bullshit that wasn't true.

I told him, "You must think I'm fucking crazy. You think I'm gonna let you in my car so you can possibly rob and kill me. Get the fuck out the way before I run your ass over".

He asked for a couple bucks, so I threw a five out the window. The fucker has the nerve to be ask me, "How about ten?"

To which I respond, "You're only getting five, so go do something useful and OD. Get the fuck out the way".

He moves out the way, and I race home.

AS I'm pulling into the complex, another tow truck is coming out with yet another car and the HOA guy is still walking around the complex, putting on more stickers on cars that "needed to be towed".

I had enough of that bullshit, so I got the boy son out of bed and headed to "work" which is at Cornholio's parents house. Finally got some sleep, though only for about 3 hours, but it's better then nothing.

I can't do this shit all week, so I guess Terry and I are going to be having a talk pretty soon. Or maybe I'll just spend the res of the week at my moms house.

I don't really appreciate Terry's force tactic so I feel the need to rebel. This shit ain't fucking over, yet...

Friday, July 25, 2008

Coming Out the Closet

I've decided to create yet another Angry Girlfriend public service. Any public service that I come up with after my Close to the Edge Suicide Hotline idea, is going to be hard to beat, but I think I may be on to something with this new service.

This new service will be called, "Coming Out the Closet". Our motto would be something like, "Promoting gayness and helping every gay person come out the closet, one gay person at a time".

Yeah, I know. The motto's a little rough around the edges, but it's a work in progress.

So what's behind this new service, you're probably wondering?

Well, I have a pretty good gaydar. I'd say I'm about 99% accurate.

Some people just have a much harder time coming out then others. So that's where I come in.

I know your gay even when you haven't realized your gay yet. Even though with some people, it should be completely obvious to themselves that they are.

But whatever. Coming out the closet is never an easy thing to do, but the sooner you can come to terms with it and accept it, the better you'll feel about yourself in the end.

Anyways, so I'll have this program for those in serious denial that will help them come out. It'll be called, "Pushing You Out the Closet".

Exactly how the title sounds. I will attempt to push you out the closet by taking you to gay bars, and making you watch homoerotic films. We'll watch Queer as Folk, and soon you'll realize that you have a lot more in common with those gay guys then you do with your own male friends.

Eventually, you'll see for yourself what I always knew... You're gay! Hooray. We'll throw a coming out party and get you a male stripper. It'll be the best time ever.

Obviously, this service is geared towards gay men and not lesbians.

There's a reason for that. My gaydar isn't quite as accurate on females cause woman are evil and manipulative and a lot harder to read.

However, I will be coming out with a Coming Out the Closet program for lesbians, once I'm able to get a better gaydar for them. As it stands, I'm about 80% accurate with lesbians, so I got a lot of work to do.

Bi's don't need a program because we got both ways and no one really cares. They just think we're being greedy.

Oh and bi the way (hehe), men can be bi and not be gay for those of you who believe otherwise. Those of you who have read my blog "Are We All Bi-Curious?", should know where I stand on bisexuality. If you haven't yet. Go check it out.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Questions to Angry Girlfriend: Should I Bring Up Marriage?

It's been a while since I recieved a question from a reader, but today I happen to find that someone out there is still reading.

Hey Angry Girlfriend,

I'm 20-years-old, and I've been dating my current boyfriend for about 6 months. He's 25. I know this is gonna sound crazy but I've never felt this way about anyone before. I really love him and I think he could be the one. Neither of us have any kids.

He's joked around in the past about us getting married, but I think he might really want to get married. I feel the same way. Do you think it's a good idea to bring up a serious conversation about marriage to see where we stand?

Thanks for your help in advance,


Oh Tigress,

It never occurred to me that I haven't posted a blog with my views about marriage. So here it is:

I am TERRIFIED at the thought of marriage for several reason:

1. I'm not very comfortable expressing my self emotionally. Especially when I feel that it could make me look weak and vulnerable. In other words, standing in front of a large crowd, professing my love, would be very awkward, and uncomfortable to me, and to be quite honest, ain't no way, no how, I'd ever be able to do that for anyone.

2. Having sex with only one person for the rest of my life? Is that even natural? Scary, so lets not think about it.

3. Divorce rate is pretty high. You got a 50/50 chance of even staying together after getting married and if you happen to fall into the 50% who end up divorcing, man is that gonna be a pain in your ass.

4. If it ain't broke, why fix it? Marriage isn't gonna change shit other then your last name, assuming you even want to change it. The person is still gonna be the same, as will you.

Actually, those are all the reasons I have. I guess I'm just very uncomfortable at the idea of marriage and those views may or may not change.

Knowing me, they probably will cause I go through so many phases. But one thing is for certain: If I ever do get married, I'm eloping in Vegas, and Elvis will be performing the ceremony. I'm not being corny and stupid in front of a large crowd.

I totally haven't even answered your question, but to be honest, I can't give you an answer. You have to do what you believe is right for you.

I wouldn't bring up marriage, especially not after only 6 months of dating, but that's just me. I obviously have a lot of issues.

If you feel that you and your boyfriend are both financially stable and have sown all your wild oats and are in the same place in your life, then it could very well, possibly work out for you. I guess you really have nothing to loose by bringing up the conversation.

As for me, I'm not quite there yet.

Good luck with that.

Angry Girlfriend

Questions can be sent to or you can fill out the form on the right hand side of this page.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Random Thought

Is it so wrong that I like to masturbate to the thought of my boyfriend having sex with another woman?

It doesn't mean that I actually want him to sleep with another woman... unless she's really hot...

But if she were really that hot, then she wouldn't want him anyways... she'd want me (*wink*)

Friday, July 18, 2008


While talking to my sister on the phone yesterday, we realized that we've both have had a lot of men stalkers in the past.

But since this blog isn't about her, we're not going to get into her male stalkers because it's not relevant to me, and no one cares.

So here goes my list of crazy stalkers. Well the ones I remember:

Crazy Stalker #1: Turd
I don't remember his actual name and I don't care. He was as creepy in personality as he was creepy in the way he looked.

He was my sisters then-boyfriends, cousin. He use to call me non-stop, like 20-30 times a day, and tell me that he was going to force me to marry him and have his babies.

I would avoid his calls but then I'd end up with like 20-30 messages on my voicemail about how he swore on his life that I would be forced into marrying him and having his babies.

I finally had to get a restraining order on this kid because I thought that he really believed that he would be able to force me to marry him and have his turd looking babies.

Crazy Stalker #2: The Wet Back
My brother use to work at an auto shop place. At least I think he did. Anyways, he had a co-worker who apparently had seen a picture of me and somehow had decided that I was going to be his girlfriend.

One day, I'm minding my business and I walk out the house. I saw this grease monkey, looking wet back standing across the parking lot just staring at me. One thing was for sure, he and his red Toyota pick-up truck were definitely in the wrong neighborhood.

So the guy approaches me and in his broke ass English says, "I know ju. I know who ju are. You bery prity. I like you bery moch."

To which I replied, "Well I sure as hell don't know you, and I'm leaving".

He says to me, "Ju are sister of Miguel, no?"

I paused and said, "Who the hell are you?"

Anyways, long story short, my brothers co-worker had somehow managed to find me. To this day I still don't have a clue how that happened.

After I told my brother what had happened, he quickly put a stop to that by telling the wet back that he would kick his ass and have him deported if he ever pulled a stunt like that again.

Crazy Stalker #3: The Dominican
So I met this Dominican at the mall one time. He seemed nice enough. Really polite and sweet. Apparently, a little crazy.

I gave this dude my phone number, and that same day he called me, which was cool I guess. So i talked to him for a little while, and then I got off the phone cause I had better things to do.

He called me, 10 minutes after we had hung up, so I answered and I'm like, "What?"

He's like, "Nothing, just wanted to talk to you".

I'm thinking to myself, is this dude on drugs? We just talked.

I got him off the phone, yet again and 10 minutes later, the phone rings. Thank God for caller ID. I didn't answer.

He calls back. My phone rang non-stop for the next 5 hours. And yes, it was him calling over and over and over. After that, I decided that I was better off not talking to this dude ever again.

For the next 2 weeks my phone would ring non-stop for like 5 hours straight everyday, and he left a message every time.

"Call me, please. I miss you". "Why haven't you called me back? I really need to talk to you." So on, and so on. Creepy right?

Eventually, I answered the phone, pretending to be my sister and I told him that I no longer lived there and had moved back to Miami. Why did I have to even go there?

Anyways, I had plenty more stalkers, but those 3 are the most memorable from what I can remember anyways.

And speaking of stalkers, I stalked the tow truck last night, but he never showed. I was thinking of maybe just leaving a note on my car with my number so that they can call me before they tow and I can try and bribe them, but still get some sleep in the process.

Stalking people makes me sleepy.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Something's Missing

The last few months, I've been feeling like I'm missing something. Then one day, I was taking a shit on the can when it all hit me: Phone Sex!

I've been missing phone sex like crazy.

When I'm home on a Friday night with nothing to do, there's really nothing to do. But when I was a phone sex operator and I was home on a Friday night with nothing to do, the phone would ring, and some idiot would be on the other line would be stuttering on the other line that he's never done nothing like this, and he's scared with find out, blah, blah, blah.

Whatever, what the hell did I care? I was still getting paid, and I wasn't so bored.

I like to think of phone sex as my version of cocaine. You take a hit and you get high, it's fun and dandy for a while, but then, you either become a junky or you decide there are better drugs to choose from.

I guess I thought there were better drugs, but I just haven't found it. So here am I, feeling like a fiend. I need to get a hit.

I realized that phone sex helped to fill this little, evil, dark hole that I have in my soul. Most importantly, I wasn't creating an imaginary world on the internet with Bob, Becky, Sue, and Pixie.

I had a real imaginary world playing Becky, Carmen, Brittany, and Laylah while I was working as a phone sex operator. The big difference was that I got payed to play those characters so it doesn't seem like I'm really that crazy for pretending to be other people.

So I think I've made the decision to go back to phone sex. If not for the money, then for my sanity.

Besides, it's either this, or I'm just gonna end up becoming a dominatrix. I have a lot of little, evil, dark holes in my soul that need to be filled.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

My New Pet Turtle

I know absolutely nothing about turtles. Matter of fact, I've never owned anything but dogs, nor have I really ever cared to. I've never even considered owning anything other then another dog.

But today, the strangest thing happened when I got into a work. I walked through the door, and there on the floor, was a turtle.

Kinda threw me off a little. I mean, it's not everyday that you go to work and find a turtle in the office. First thing I did was call up Cornholio's mom and ask her if she was aware that there was a turtle just walking around her living room.

She just laughed and said yes, and really didn't offer much more explanation to how the turtle had ended up inside her home. All she mentioned was that she had planned on giving him away.

The whole day, I sat around pondering whether or not I should take the little fucker home. As I've already mentioned, I know nothing about turtles.

After watching the turtle roam around the house all day, not the slightest bit intimidated by my presence, I began to realize that he had possibly already been someones pet.

I named her, Lithium, mostly because I like to name other peoples pets after prescription drugs and yet have never given a prescription drug name to any of my animals (Before we were living together, I had once named one of Cornholio's cats Ritalin and the name actually stuck). Lithium also happens to be the name of one of my favorite songs by Nirvana.

From my research on the internet, I think that Lithium is a female box turtle, but I could be wrong. Anyone out there know anything about turtles, please hit me up. I'm kinda lost here and could really use the help.

Leave a comment, send an email to, whatever. By now, you people should know how to get a hold of me.

Oh and, Cornholio's mom has absolutely no idea that I took the turtle home with me. I kinda forgot to tell her that I was going to take Lithium home, but I really don't think she'll mind.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Plotting On Terry From HOA

I've been able to figure out the schedule for the tow truck people. Apparently, they only come out once a week, usually late Thursday night/early Friday mornings. So here's the plan:

I have until Thursday to figure out which car belongs to Terry which means that until then, I'll be stalking her. Well stalking sounds a little over the top so lets say, I'll be monitoring her.

I know she works from 9AM - 5PM and I know which building and office is hers. I'm not exactly sure which house she lives in, but I do which street she's on and it's not a very long street so she shouldn't be too hard to find. Not to mention that I do know her last name and I'm pretty sure I can find out the exact house number if I look her up in the white pages, unless shes unlisted, which I seriously doubt.

Anyways, once I have that information, I'm gonna do a stake out for the tow truck, which I'm sure will be coming back to tow my car yet again, sometime this week.

I usually consider tow truck people to be evil. Just barely a step above the people who work for DMV, and as we all know, the people who work for the DMV are all working for Satan, so you understand my feeling about tow truck drivers. I don't really care for them at all.

But anyways, back to the plan.

I'll be waiting for Mr. Tow Truck Driver on Thursday night and when he gets there, I'll be there sitting outside on my car. He's not gonna get the chance to tow me because once I'm in the car with the key in the ignition, he's fucked anyways. However, I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse.

I'll pay him $50 to tow Terry's car. No? Then how about $100.

That's right. I'm gonna bribe the Tow Truck driver to tow Super Bitch Terry's car.

Sound absurd? You'd be surprised to find out what Tow Truck drivers, or anyone really, do when the price is right.

Sound evil? Yeah, I know.

Sometimes you just gotta fight fire with fire. Let's see how that bitch likes it.

Friday, July 11, 2008

HOA Can Kiss My Ass

I was getting ready for work this morning when I happened to look outside the window and notice that my car wasn't outside.

Most people would've probably first assumed that their car had been stolen, but I knew that this was the work of those low life, money-hungry, ass fucking bastards from the HOA (that's Home Owners Association for those of you who don't have a clue what HOA stands for).

I called up the towing company and sure enough, they had my car. The reason I was towed? Apparently, my parking permit has magically become invalid. The guy from the towing company told me that I needed to talked to the management over by where I live, but I had already figured that on my own.

These people from the HOA, have had it out for us since we bought the place. I think the main bitch, Terry, is just a bias hater who's mad that 2 young spics could afford to live in her neighborhood. After all, we were only 24-years-old when we bought the place.

This fat, bitch has made it more then obvious that she has had it out for us since the beginning.

When we had first moved into the neighborhood, it was obvious that we were the youngest family living on the block. We had tons of parties just about every weekend, but we were always cautious not to let things get too out of control since we didn't want any problems with any of the neighbors.

However, about a year after buying our house, the HOA people, (ahem, *cough* bitch, ass, Terry, *cough*), decided that they needed to start issuing parking passes. We don't live in new neighborhood. This neighborhood was developed sometime back in the late 70's, early 80's.

I think everyone in the neighborhood is well aware that we're what cause Terry to decide that she needed to mandate parking passes.

What's wrong Terry? You jealous cause my 26-year-old boyfriend was able to support us off of one income for 2 years while you and your sorry ass husband both had to work jobs I'm sure you both hated just to pay the same bills we're paying?

Yeah, I guess I'd be pissed too, especially if I was as fat and grotesque as you are. Not to mention that you suck at your job.

Why is it that in the 3 years we've been living here, the HOA fee has gone up by $20 every fucking year. What are you doing wrong for that to happen?

Stupid bitch.

This isn't the first time that bitch, ass, Terry has had my car towed, but you better believe it's gonna be the last time.

Oh, and guess who's about to join the HOA? That's right, bitch! MEEEEEE!

I'll see you at the next meeting. Fucking cunt.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Unrequited Love

Back in high school, I had the biggest crush on someone who would later turn out to be one of my best friends.

Well to be honest, I had crushes on a lot of people back then. But anyways, I don't know when it was that he stared dating his then-girlfriend and I really didn't care cause to be honest, I had a crush on her too.

She had some of the thickest, juiciest thighs I had ever seen on a female and all I could think about was how awesome it would be to have a threesome.

Of course, that never happened.

Years and years later, I am still friends with Titusville. His now ex-girlfriend however, turned out to be a much different story.

Even though, I had never approached her about my crush then, or given her any reason really to dislike me, Titusville has been kind enough to point out to me that the woman hates me.

Why? Who knows?

Maybe she always knew about my lesbian crush and didn't care too much for that, or maybe it was the fact that I use to masturbate to the thought of having a threesome with her and her boyfriend that made her hate me so. Not that she would've known anyways.

Who knows... In any case, its an unrequited love...

It's all good though. I've found plenty of other girls who do wanna have sex with me. You win some and you lose some...

Here's a poem to my unrequited love:

Why oh why do you hate me dear?
It's only natural for girls to make out
So have no fear

The crush I had on your boyfriend was only for fun
The whole time I knew him
You were really the one

Why oh why do you hate me so much?
You're legs are just smokin
I only wanted to touch

Lets put this all behind
And start anew
After all, it wasn't him that I wanted
It was really you

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Family Vacation

This past weekend, I took off on a little 4 day family vacation with Cornholio, the boy son, and Cornholio's parents to Myrtle Beach, SC.

Family vacations aren't something that I do very often cause to be honest, they're usually just not that fun. Especially when Cornholio's parents around since they frown upon my drinking and smoking.

However, on this particular family vacation, several turn of events would make this particular family vacation one of the best in the history of all family vacations.

While on our trip, one of Cornholio's uncles had heard that we were down at the beach. He ended up calling Cornholio's mom and she, not being able to say no to her brother, allowed him, as well as another sister, her 4 kids and her boyfriend, crash the family vacation.

I have to admit, I was a little annoyed in the beginning, especially since I don't even know these people that well. However, they soon proved themselves to be a lot different then Cornholio's mother.

When Cornholio's uncle and aunt arrived, it was obvious that they were both already intoxicated (The aunt's boyfriend drove and he was apparently sober).

The first thing his uncle wanted to do was go to the strip club to see naked woman of course and to keep on drinking.

Cornholio's mother offered to watch the boy son, along with her sisters 4 kids so that we could all go out together, so of course we took her up on the offer.

When we got to the strip club, we found out that the aunts boyfriend is only 19 years old (she's in her mid-late 30's). It kinda caught us off guard, but hey, who are we to judge if she's a cradle robber?

There were several strippers who were obviously too fat to be working at a strip club but whatever. It's 8 hours away from where I live, so why would i really give a shit.

To be honest, even the strippers who were in shape, were still ugly. Out the whole lot, there was maybe 4 or 5 who were decent looking and not over weight.

While Cornholio's uncle was wandering the club, hitting on drunk strippers, his aunt and her 19-year-old boyfriend sat huddled up next to each other, looking extremely uncomfortable and out of place. Apparently, it was the first time for both of them.

Not that surprising considering that she use to be a Christian. I guess all that went out the window when she starting dating her little boyfriend.

Me and Cornholio pulled up a seat and got a front row view of the strippers. Then it happened. A hot stripper approached us. She kissed me, then went over to Cornholio, rubbed his head in between her tits, slapped him so hard I could feel the sting, and called him a bitch.

I have never been so turned on in all my life. I think I just fell in love with a stripper. I just wanted to take her home with me. Wow. That's all I could really say. Just wow.

And that was the highlight of my family vacation. Other then that, we went to the beach, pool, did some family like things, blah, blah, blah, who really cares?

This all just proves that even my family vacations can never be what most people would consider "normal".

Whatever. All I know is that the next time I'm Myrtle Beach, I'm definitely hitting up that strip club again.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Look At Me! I'm Having Sex!

I have a fetish for having sex in public. But it's not the run of the mill type shit like the people who like doing it cause of the rush of maybe getting caught.

Nope, that would be way too simple. Anyone can have sex in public and not get caught. My adrenaline rush comes from actually getting caught.

That's right! I like getting caught having sex. Well more like, I like being watched having sex.

This past weekend for example, I went on a trip with Cornholio, my friend, Shorty and her man. We rented one room with double beds and we all knew that we'd all end up having sex in the same room at the same time, but I guess everyone assumed that we would be discrete about it.

I knew better then that. It's not fun for me if I'm trying to be discrete. Besides, it's not like it would be the first time we've seen each other having sex.

Well anyways, to make a long perverted story a short perverted story, we rented to different hotels during this weekend.

At the first hotel, we did some very explicit things and apparently we were all pretty loud. Could've been alcohol induced since we were all hammered, but then again we probably would've been just as loud sober.

At the second hotel, while we were all sober, Shorty and her man went to the bathroom to go fornicate while Cornholio and I had sex in on the beds. Apparently, it was suppose to be a quickie, but neither I nor Cornholio received the memo.

Shorty and her man were stuck with the decision of either waiting it out in the bathroom, or coming out and crashing.

Shorty came out on 2 or 3 occasions to tell us to shut up and finish already, which of course made me scream and moan even louder.

She later described the event in these words, "You know when you're watching a porn and fucking at the same time, and then you finish but you still hear the bitch in the porn screaming wishing that you could find the remote so you can shut it off already? Yeah, that's what it was like".

Did I just get compared to the bitch screaming in a porn? Really? Hell yea! I rock!

I have to admit that every time Shorty came out to yell at us, it turned me on even more. She should've pulled up a seat and watched like I did to her this one time.

Oh, well. Maybe next time....