Close to the Edge

I've heard many times and from many different people, that I would be the last person that they would want to talk to if they were ever on the verge on committing suicide.

Apparently, I'm a real asshole, and whatever comes out my mouth would more then likely make you wanna just end it all.

I was talking to Too-Tall when she make the comment about bad about feeling like a slut. To which I replied, "well at least you know that you're a slut", which is probably more then likely not what she wanted to hear, but you know the saying, "If it looks like a slut, and acts like a slut..."

Suddenly I got this idea. What if I were to create a profession where I could convince people to commit suicide. Like a Suicide hot line. Only instead of helping them, I'd push them over the edge.

I know to a lot of people, this is probably not funny, but most people who really want to kill themselves, get it right the first time around.

If you're on your 3rd or 4th attempt, then either you're not trying hard enough or you're just looking for attention... the wrong way.

A much better way to get attention would be to sell crack to a bunch of elementary school kids and then call the police and give an anonymous tip. You'll surely end up on the news that way. Or you can just simply sign up for a reality TV show. Most of the people who are on reality TV show, are attention seekers. If they hadn't of invented reality TV, most of those people would have been on their 4th or 5th attempt at suicide by now.

So how would one of these "Over-the-Edge" phone calls with me sound like. Let's take a look at several examples.

Example #1. Attention seeker:

Here we have Jill, who is 24-years-old, 50 lbs over weight, and feels less then attractive:

Jill: I wanna kill myself cause I'm so fat and ugly. No one wants to go out with me and everyone I know, hates me!

Me: Jill, how fat are you?

Jill: What? What does that matter? I feel so ugly and disgusting.

Me: Wow, you must be the size of a mammoth!

Jill: Oh my GOD! How could you say that to me?

Me: Jill, you're losing focus. You want to kill yourself cause your fat, ugly, and pathetic. Go on...

Jill: Hey, wait. I never said I was pathetic...

Me: Well, you're fat an ugly, right? Just thought I'd throw in pathetic as a bonus.

Jill: Gosh, you're really mean...

Me: Jill, stay with me here. You want to kill yourself, remember?

Jill: Ye... Actually, no, not really. I just wanna go lie in bed with a bowl of ice cream.

Me: Good idea. Eat your fat ass to death. Very creative. I like that.

Jill: You're such a bitch. I'm hanging up.

Me: Wait, Jill. Don't forget to add tons of chocolate syrup and sprinkles. The more you eat, the quicker you'll die.

Jill: Asshole. (click)


Example #2. Another Attention Seeker:

Here we have Jack, who is a 35-year-old man. He's caught his wife cheating on him with his brother:

Jack: (sobbing) I just found out that my wife of 7 years has been cheating on me with my brother. I'm so stupid. How could I not have noticed? I'm a pathetic loser. I'm going to kill myself.

Me: How long has your wife been fucking your brother?

Jack: Fuck, do you have to say it like that? About 5 years.

Me: Fucking, sucking, licking, sticking. What does it matter how I say it? You're wife's a whore and you're a dumb ass.

Jack: Hey, don't call my wife a whore. And I'm not a dumb ass!

Me: Oh yeah? Then what do you call a guy who didn't realize that his wife and brother have been fucking for 5 out of the 7 years that you two have been married?

Jack: Oh my God! You're right! I am a dumb ass. I have no reason to live.

Me: Yeah, well you are a loser. Most guys would've been like "fuck that bitch", yet here you are crying like a little bitch. You're a sorry excuse for a man. How about you take the bitch way out, and pop some pills.

Jack: I'm not a bitch! And I'm not gonna die like one!

Me: Whatever you say, bitch...

Jack: You know what? You're a bitch!

Me: I see someones balls are starting to grow back. But you're still pathetic.

Jack: You're such a fucking little cunt. Fuck you!

Me: You know what? If you were really a man, you'd go talk your bullshit to your slutty wife who's probably fucking the shit outta your brother right now as we speak.

Jack: YEAH! I'm gonna give that bitch a piece of my mind! I'll be damned if she tries to screw me on some alimony!

Me: Have fun with that.

Jack: Yeah, thanks. (click)

Example #3. A Real Suicidal Person:

So I'm just waiting around for the phone to ring. Still waiting. But guess what? The suicidal person isn't gonna call. Do you know why? Cause he's already dead.

People who want to commit suicide aren't gonna call me, or any hot line for that matter. Do you know why? Cause they aren't looking for attention like the attention seekers. They want to die and nothing is gonna get in their way.

Suicide is usually an impulse decision which why only 12%-20% of people who commit suicide even bother to leave a note.

So I guess technically, I wouldn't be in the business of pushing people over the edge. I'd be in business for getting people to realize that they're stupid, pathetic, self absorbed assholes, who aren't gonna really hurt themselves because they don't really want to die. They just want attention.

Besides, everyone knows that when you commit suicide, you'll only end up in some kinda purgatory that can be described as kinda like where we are now, only worse. Don't know what I'm talking about? Go see Wristcutters: A Love Story.

Why don't you attention seekers just go and sign up for a reality TV show, like all the other normal self-absorbed, attention seeking assholes do?