Tuesday, March 31, 2009

My Top 10 Favorite Female Porn Stars

I was watching porn the other day (I watch porn on most days), and it occurred to me that I don't have favorite porn stars in the conventional way.

I guess I like my porn stars based on controversy and looks, though when you see this list, it becomes quite obvious that appearance has very little to do with why I may like a certain porn star.

Some I just like to look at their pictures on the Internet and others I like to watch in action, and some are on current TV Shows. All the same here is my list of my Top 10 Favorite Female Porn Stars:


10. Sydney Moon

I like Sydney Moon for a few reasons:

1. I used her pics as one of my phone sex characters
2. She has a degree in psychology
3. She looks fucking hot naked.

She also has huge ass boobs and they're REAL. She has a very sweet and innocent look to her but she's a bad girl. Very naughty.
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9. Mary Carey

Who doesn't like Mary Carey? She's adorable and bubbly. She's in and out of rehab for drug and alcohol issues, but I really like her personality. Not to mention she makes good porn.

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8. Angelique Morgan a.k.a Frenchie

You may recognize her from Rock of Love 2, Rock of Love: Charm School, or I Love Money 2. She's the French streepr who luvz to be nakud all ze tim.

She may not be the prettiest stripper but I've seen her porn and boy can she give some mean head.
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7. Brandi M.


I don't know what her porn name was, but this was another Rock of Love contestant who did porn sometime in her past. (I don't judge).

She got a lot of facials, but facials aside, I still think she's hot.

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6. Sasha Grey
This one isn't really one of my favorites, but I know a lot of other people who are fans and so in the top she goes.

She was barely legal when she started her career and I'm guessing that's why most guys I know like her.

She looks too young for my taste, but all the same she's quite popular right now. Even making an appearance on The Tyra Banks Show, that didn't quite go so well.

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4. Tera Patrick

Who doesn't love Tera Patrick?

She's fucking hot as hell! Enough said!

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3. Big Sophie

She is large and in charge. I don't really get turned on by fat porn, but I admire a big woman who is comfortable being fat.

She's a happy fat girl which is way better then being a mean fat girl being mean all the time cause they're angry that they're fat.

Happy fat people make me happy. Besides, every time I think of the craigslist ad I did with her picture, I've Been Very Naughty... Again..., it makes me smile.

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2. Traci Lords
Ok so while this ex-porn star hasn't made any recent porn, she was quite a big deal back in the 80's.

Owning most of her porn is actually illegal since at the time that she made them, she was only 15.

If you happen to find some of her old porn, you can see for yourself why it is that no one ever suspected that this girl was only a minor at the time.

She does movie and TV now... She was definitely a lot more famous as a porn star then she is as a regular actress.

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1. Christy Wild

My top favorite porn star is a little Internet actress who goes by the name Christy Wild. I knew her back in high school as Christina *******. (Putting her real last name out there would just be plain mean).

She was quite nerdy back then, and by her own admission, still is to this day.

She was also quite naive (she thought you could get pregnant from kissing). A good wholesome Christian girl who just never could quite fit in at our majority black high school. I had problems fitting in myself, but without a doubt she had it 10 X's worse then I did.

I would always tell the people who picked on her, "Watch, I bet she's gonna end up being a stripper".

The good girls always do.

Not only did she become the stripper I thought she would, she exceeded my expectations and become a web porn actress. And not a bad one, might I add.

I really wish I could take credit for corrupting this one. I guess she'll always be the good girl who escape my evil powers and then corrupted on her own. It really does make me sad. I should've tried harder then. Oh well...

Something about knowing how she use to be and seeing how she is now, is really quite a huge turn on for me.

Let that be a lesson to all of you: Today's High School geeks could be tomorrows Internet Porn Stars.

Christy Wild... Hats off to you! You are awesome!!! :-)

Monday, March 30, 2009

I Need a Break

So I admit it. I've been just a tad bit bitchier then normal.

It's not my fault... I've just been a little overwhelmed by work and the responsibilities of motherhood.

With Frijolero working so far away now, I no longer really get to lay back when I get home after work. Instead, I'm working over time with the Boy Son, and I gotta tell you - He is wearing me out.

By the time Frijolero gets home, the Boy is asleep and I am just in straight bitch mode. I need a serious break.

Some Me time. I'm not one to usually run out and get my nails done but right about now, I could use a mani-pedi. Or maybe a tattoo that takes at least 3 hours to do because I find it so relaxing when I'm getting ink up.

Maybe I should hit up a happy hour or something, but all of my friends have to seem to have suddenly disappeared on me... Maybe it had something to do with the fact that I kept hitting on all of them.... Naaahhh, I doubt that... They liked it...

I think the Boy scared away all my friends.

I just need like a 3 day vacation... No Boy and no Frijolero...

Just me and the girls... Unfortunately, some of them can't bare to be away from their men for more then a couple hours... What the hell is that all about anyways?

Penis is really seriously NOT that great.

Guess I'm gonna be rolling solo, but that's cool... I just need a break.

Ooo, I know who I can hang out! My friend who's dating a cross-dresser. She's hoping that he'll be into anal sex because she really wants to penetrate his ass with a strap-on.

She's so much fun to hang out with. Plus she always pays for everything. Yey Me!

I always seem to know the most interesting people...

Friday, March 27, 2009

OMG... I Can't Fucking Stand You

I can't stand Frijolero. Everything about him fucking irritates me.

Like yesterday for example, I was trying to have a conversation with his dumb ass on the phone but apparently it was a one sided conversation with me talking to myself as he flirted with some beaner cashier at some beaner bodega.

Here I was in the middle of a self revelation that I had just encountered, and the fucking fucktard can't even keep his fucking penis in check long enough for me to finish a god damn sentence.

Then there was the day before yesterday when the fucker swore up and down that I was pregnant and made my by a pregnancy test for his own piece of mind I suppose.

I kept trying to tell him, I'm having bad allergies. I got some shit going on with my sinuses. Not to mention that I had just gotten off my period last week and I'm pretty in fucking tune with my body to know what the fuck is going on in there.

Of course it came out negative and there was never a doubt in my head to begin with.

But hey, what the fuck would I know? I've only been living in the same body for the last 27 years so I guess I'm not qualified enough to know what goes on in there.

I am only the queen on mother fucking self diagnosing and self medicating, but I guess I don't know shit about myself.

Fucking waste of $15.

Ahhhhhhhhh... Well, now that I've got that out, I feel a little better...

Fuck! Shit! Cunt! Fucker! Sock monkey!

Ok... Now I feel better...

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Annoyed

I've been in a real funk lately....

Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING fucking annoys the hell out of me.

I think since my sinuses have been acting up, its made me really irritable and bitchier then ever.

Like the other day when I called my mom and she had that stupid song by Fergie "Big Girls Don't Cry" as her ring back tone, it annoyed the hell out of me.

Actually, the more I think about, the more I'm annoyed by every ones ring back tone. I think its like the stupidest thing you could ever come up with.

Just because YOU like the fucking song, doesn't mean that I wanna hear it.

It's just so damn irritating.

I mean it's one thing to have the different ring tones cause half the time when you hear it, it sounds muffled anyways.

But when I'm calling someone, all I want to hear is a standard ringing sound. It's not annoying, and it's comfortable. You know that the phone is ringing.

I know that I can't be the only person who feels this way. Why hasn't anyone else said anything about this?

I'm taking a stand against ring back tones. I will boycott any and friends and family who have some stupid ass ring back tone whenever I call them to show my disapproval of the stupidest thing ever created by the phone company.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Aye Chihuahua

I've decided that I want a new pet. A little tiny, ankle biting Chihuahua. They're so tiny and cute and annoying and they bark all the ti me at nothing and everything.

Apparently, I like tiny thing. Not tiny penis' though. Tiny penis is never a good thing. Other then that, I like tiny things.

Cornholio, who I will now refer to as Frijolero, because that's exactly what he is (a fuckin' beaner), doesn't want me to get anymore pets because he claims that I don't take care of them, which is a damn lie.

I take care of all of my animals, including him. He's one of the best kept animals I have. I pet him, I feed him most of the time. Well, I try... He gets showered, and walked, and best of all, he gets to sleep in the bed, with the rest of my animals.

I think I deserve a new animal. I'm a damn good pet owner.

I think a long haired Chihuahua would be fun cause I could carry him around in my pocket. My older dog might not like that too much because she's extremely possessive over me, but she'll get over it.

I think Frijolero would have a lot in common with a chihuahua. They're both beaners. Well, he's not technically a Mexican, but he's Central American, but who cares? Close enough, right?

They both do a lot of yapping but no action. They're both annoyingly, cute, though sometimes they're just plain annoying. Actually, they're just mostly annoying.

You have to smack them with a newspapaer to make them stop humping your leg.

Maybe we could adopt a chihuahua. We adopted the cat, so why not a dog?

We'll technically, I was the one who adopted that damn cat, so if he pisses me off and we get a divorce, I'm taking the damn cat.

I'm an evil genius. Muahahahahahahahahha.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Fun on Craigslist: Short Short Man Part III

I know that I said that I was gonna have this posted last Friday, but whatever. It's one week late. You'll get over it...


The Finale of Short Short Man


Short Short Man - w4m - 22 (Seattle)






Reply to: mailto:pers-1051551998@craigslist.org?subject=Short%20Short%20Man%20-%20w4m%20-%2022%20%28Seattle%29 [Errors when replying to ads?]
Date: 2009-02-26, 10:00AM PST


So here's the deal...

I've had sex with several guys who are of average length... The problem is that it hurts...
I'd like to experience some pretty wild and crazy, fun sex... but with a guy who is 6 inches or below.

I'm 22 year old white female, D&D free, and I'm interested in meeting up with someone possibly tomorrow or sometime this weekend.

The only thing I ask of you is that you be at no more then 6 inches and also D&D free.
____________________________________________________________________

Victim #1
I'm a 6.. Tell me about yourself

My Reply:
I am a bit of a sexual deviant with fetishes for the abnormal.

I like shooting skittles out of my vagina as it demonstrates to my potential sex partner the muscle control that I possess. My only sexual flaw is that my vagina is unfortunately shallow and therefor I cannot handle a penis over 6 inches long.

I do however, appreciate having foreign objects stuffed into my anal capacity.

I'd like to share more with you, but I want to make sure that you are still game with everything that I have mentioned thus far.

His Reply:
Haha Id like to see the skittles thing.. Maybe we could try m&m's, let them
Melt and I could lick it off.. Do you like getting oral?

My Reply:
I prefer skittles because they don't melt like M&M which could result in your truly getting a yeast infection... I would know... Been there, done that...

I love oral. I like it when my clitoris is licked then pinched and slightly bitten.

I also like to give oral but only on the condition that you urinate in my mouth. I'm also into bondage and would like to tie you to bed post and blind fold you, and then have you guess what I'm going to do to you next or when I'm coming back to untie you.

I like to play this game I call "slave", but to play that game, I'd need you to take at least a week off of work, as it will involve me moving you to various locations and possibly a high speed chase. But don't worry, I promise to cover all court cost if something is to happen and we get caught and I can draft something up for you in writing if you'd like.

His Reply:
WTF!! Sounds crazy but unfortunatly I'm in the military so I can't get a dull week off and and trouble with the cops can't happen seeing how I am a military cop.. But I'm totally into trying anything


My Reply:
A Military Cop? That's really creeps me out. I have a phobia of government personnel... especially people in the military because most of the time they are mentally unstable.
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Victim #2:
6-2, 205....5.5 inches....muscular/athletic/discreet...dark hair and eyes..

in wallingford..

you?

cum explore..

hugh

My Reply:
Are you into golden showers by any chance? I get turned on by having guys pee in my mouth...

His Reply:

yes...certainly will "shower" you..


your pic?

hugh
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Victim #3:
Hi Im Josh from DT Seattle. I am right at 6 inches, maybe a little less. Let me know what you have in mind. Do u have a pic?


My Reply:
you think that's 6 inches? LOL
You don't have to lie hun... I specifically asked for small wieners and I think we got a winner! So what kinda kinky things to you wanna do to me with that thing? Are you into bondage by any chance?


************************************************************************************* Victim #4:
Hi...I am what you are looking for. Dont know what else your requirements r but take a look at what I have in that realm....and shoot me back an email.

My Reply:
omg its soooo tiny... you are perfect... any plans for tomorrow... how were you blessed with such a tiny little pecker... its like the size of a 2 year olds, only wider...its soo cute and little i'll even let you fuck me up the ass....i dont know if i wanna smack it or kiss it... i dont care what your face looks like... you have the cutest little penis i've ever seen...

His Reply:
Hmm, is this for real?

First of all, it's not that small!!! LOL Second of all, don't smack it! kiss it, maybe put it in your mouth and suck, maybe stroke it or sit on it, but no violence to the penis... May I see a picture of you now?

My Reply:
honey its not violence... but we all love in different ways... my love for penis is just a little rougher and somewhat abnormal then most...

His Reply:
LOL as long as it doesn't bruise, hurt for a long time and doesn't fall off...LOL So, where am I putting it?

My Reply:
well theres not many places to put it... its so tiny...

but I'll let u stick it in my little tight puss infected vaginal cave...

I can't get over how cute and small it is. I wish I could just stick it in my pocket
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Victim #5:
hi i can help, if u have a pussy pic i have a cock shot, if we like what we see we can do face shots, fare?

My Reply:
I like how you think.... I'll send you a pussy shot as soon as I get home and upload it...
in the meanwhile, tell me about the kinda things your into... I'm also interested in being as kinky and naughty as possible...
sorry for the late response...

His Reply:
hi nice to hear from u too, so u like to get kinky huh, or naughty hmmmmmmm

what about down right nasty, whats the nastiest think u have ever done? be honest, i will be, i have seen things and done things u wont belive,,,,,,,,,,,lol, out side the box too r u at work? i played hooky today r u thinking nasty thoughts right now mmmmmmmm;o)~(!)

My Reply:
ooo boy... well i'm a pretty naughty little slut... I once had sex with my dads best friend... He was 39 and I was 18 at the time... He made me tie him up and I took down his pants and he was wearing these cute little red and pink thongs... they actually turned out to be my thongs that he had stolen from me

I brushed a knife up the side of his cock and he was in pure ecstasy that he nearly ejaculated right then and there. I then squatted over his face and lowered my warm moist cunt over his face and brush my bushy pubs into his mouth. Then he screamed something like "Release the dam!" and I began to urinate in his mouth...

He said it felt like a warm fountain, trickling down his throat and he drank every drop of my very warm lemonade. He then instructed me to pour honey on his fully erected cock and to let my family pet... a golden retriever, lick every last drop of honey of his love shaft.

That made me a little jealous so I got down on all fours like the dog and began to fight with the dog for control of licking my lovers love tool.

Anyways that's just one of many interesting stories I have... how about u?

His Reply:
very nice, and very naughty, i love being pissed on, i also love pissing in ur asshole while im cumming
im 37 just so u know, and i love nasty little girls u mentioned ur pet retriever. male or female? i have a very nice story bout my friend and her german sheppard, if ur ok with that have u ever let ur pup lick ur cunt, mmmmmmmm u on all 4's sounds hot can u open pics where u r now tell me more get my cock hard, so i can jack off for u ;o)~(!)

____________________________________________________________________

Stay Tuned to next time as I post an ad in Philly pretending to be a 45 year old cougar....

I don't know when it'll get posted but it might not be for another 2 weeks just because I can't really sit around and do this at work because there are people "watching" me.

They pretend like they're not, but they totally are...

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Calling Dr. Ugly

I was watching this show called The Doctors the other day and noticed that one of the doctors, Dr. Travis Stork is really hot.

The strangest thoughts then came to mind. I could never have a doctor who I found attractive do any work on me because they're hot and I would more then likely start thinking sexual thoughts about them which would be awkward especially if said doctor was like my OBG-YN.

I mean imagine sitting there spread eagle and Dr. Sexy Man or Dr. Sexy Woman walks in and started to prob around down there.

I don't think I could handle it. I might accidentally have an orgasm or something. That's a very real possibility for me considering that I once had an orgasm while getting a tattoo.

Now thinking about it, I don't think that overly attractive people should be allowed to be doctors because it's a distraction and its weird.

There should be like some kinda regulation that no doctor can be more then mildly attractive in order to practice medicine amongst the general public.

All the pretty ones should be put on T.V. so I can sit there and stare at them obsessively and fantasize about them all day. Maybe masturbate to them once or twice... Maybe more then that... Who knows?

Like Dr. Rey, from Dr. 90210. Another hot doctor. I could never go to him for any work because he's hot in a metrosexual kinda way.

Now thinking about it, I haven't seen any hot female doctors on T.V. or in real life for that matter. What the hell is that all about?

Weird...

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Bad Word

While at my aunts house yesterday, her kids, who are 11 & 9 I think, came running to their mom all freaked out and accusing my kid of saying a "bad word".

My aunt can be pretty uptight about shit like that but I tried to assured her that the chances of my kid saying a bad word were pretty slim considering that the only bad word he knows is "shit" and he only uses it in context to having to take a shit.

We debated back and forth on the issue about what bad word my kid had possibly uttered because she refused to just ask her kids what he had said.

Knowing how uptight my aunt is, I asked her if her kids were the kind of brats who think that words like 'penis' are bad words.

She claimed that they weren't but somehow I had a feeling that this was all penis related. My kid for whatever reason, is very fond of the word penis.

After so much debate of what the hell my kid could've said, her curiosity finally peeked and she finally asked her kids what was the bad word that my kid had said.

Apparently, my kid said to my aunts kids, "My penis is really big".

I guess it left them in a state of shock because you don't exactly expect for a 3 1/2 year old to say something like that.

Turns out I was right. My kid didn't say a bad word just like I had suspected. He instead just happen to blurt out something completely random, which he tends to do a lot.

I'm guessing his short attention span has something to do with him randomly saying things that have nothing to do with whatever is going on around him. After all, he is only 3 1/2.

I'm not sure if this would've alarmed other parents or not, but I don't see the big deal with the word penis and so he remains unpunished for this bullshit offense.

But yea, that's the story of my kid saying a bad word.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Bad Sushi

I am a sushi fanatic... I just can't lay off the shit...

I'm also addicted to buffalo wings but I'll save that tale for another day.

Yesterday, I had the worst sushi ever... I mean the shit sucked.

I usually go to this all you can eat buffet place that has the "Happy Sushi Guy".

I love him.

He wears this cute little sushi guy hat and he's always smiling.

He makes me happy because he's all Asian and cute and happy.

He makes the best sushi ever and he does it with a smile.

I once saw him checking out this black chic. She had huge tits. I wonder if he's ever checked me out. My happy little Asian Sushi guy.

He's been missing. I wish I had a photo of him so I could post it. I miss my Happy Sushi guy :(

Anyways, back to the bad sushi.

So I got this sushi from a different place and it totally sucked asshole.

It looked pretty decent:
But it tasted like total shit. There wasn't enough soy sauce or wasabi sauce that could've saved this horrible sushi massacre.

Still I ate 8 pieces of the garbage, LOL.
YUMMY... Well not really, but still...

Happy Sushi Guy, if you're out there reading this, please come back... I need you to make me good sushi.

If I find you, I'm gonna kidnap you and keep you locked up in my closet so you can make me all the good sushi I want. You're such a happy little Asian. You make me smile :)

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Nap Time For Grown Ups

I remember when there was a time that it was expected of me to go lie down and take a nap... Of course in those days, I'd fight at nap time because I would rather be off doing something else, but now that I look back, I miss those days.

How I long for the a time in the day when I can turn off the cell phone and work phone and not answer to anyone because it's nap time.

I have nap time on the weekends but, I really feel that there should be like some kinda mandated work time, nap time. Like a siesta that they do over in Mexico.

It makes sense.

Mexicans are more productive because they get to nap in the middle of the day, while people here in the states work lazily just counting down the time until they can clock out and go home.

I think I should start a new campaign for a Nap Time for Grown Ups.

We could like sign petitions and lobby to congress to make them pass a law that mandates a 2-3 hour work, nap policy.

The best part of the nap policy would be that you would still get paid for those hours.

Why hasn't anyone ever thought of this?

I'm so brilliant.

Pure genius.

Who wants to join me for my Nap Time for Grown Ups campaign?

Friday, March 6, 2009

Fun on Craigslist: Short Short Man Part II

Ready for some more fun? Here is Part of Fun on Craigslist: Short Short Man

Short Short Man - w4m - 22 (Seattle)


Reply to: pers-1051551998@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
Date: 2009-02-26, 10:00AM PST


So here's the deal...

I've had sex with several guys who are of average length... The problem is that it hurts...
I'd like to experience some pretty wild and crazy, fun sex... but with a guy who is 6 inches or below.

I'm 22 year old white female, D&D free, and I'm interested in meeting up with someone possibly tomorrow or sometime this weekend.

The only thing I ask of you is that you be at no more then 6 inches and also D&D free.
____________________________________________________________________

Victim #1: (Note: Originally I wasn't going to respond to this guy because I had already received a similar email from another victim, but after repeatedly emailing me like 5 times, I finally decided to give him what he wanted)
hi whats up? iam 28 wellendowed and super clean, iam 5"7 i like to eat out and fuck hard! i will send u a wild pics!! lol what you like to do?

My Reply:
What the fuck? I didn't ask for anyone that was well endowed... Did you not read the ad? I want someone who is 6inches or smaller... Maybe I should've specified that someone should also be able to read and understand what I'm writing...

His Reply:
i am small, clean and wild!!! lol how u like it?

My Reply:
Give me a good example of what kinda wild and I'll let u know if I'm into it..

His Reply:
text me i have to go 360540**** k

His Reply after I didn't text him:
hey! what you doing? lol

His Reply after I still didn't respond:
what you like? u like get eat out? what can a things u like? i want to be like u boy toy!!! lol whenever u need me i will be there!!!

My Reply:
I'm looking for a guy whose tiny cock I can deep throat and I want him to urinate in my mouth while I'm doing it..

I'd also like u to fist my anus and lick my dirty smelly cunt while doing it... hmmm

I'd then like to beat your balls with a ping pong pattle until u scream in delite.

Then I'd like you to stick ur tiny meat stick into my filthy cunt and fuck me until I squirt all of my vaginal juices into your eyeball.

Can u handle that? If so, how's this weekend sound?

His Reply:
mmmmm u make me so fucking horny like hell!!!!!!!

My Reply:
I can tell by your enthusiasm that ur going to be a lot of fun to fuck.

my vaginal walls are throbbing at the thought of you fuckin me with ur tiny prick.

I promise that u are gonna love my scabies filled vaginal hairs grinding on ur face as ur lickin up all of my vaginal herpes juices.

I'll send u my pic as soon as I get home from work. I don't think you'll be disappointed.

He sent me like 5 more emails waiting for my pic and then tried to add me to yahoo messenger and left me several offline messages.

Obviously this guy is crazier then me so ummmmm yea....

*************************************************************************************
Victim #2:
Wow. Interesting request. Would you mind if that short man was also a big, burly, black man?


My Reply:
as long as you have a small penis, then i dont really give a flyin fuck what the rest of you looks like...

His Reply:
lol. Should I quote you on that?


My Reply:
Why? Are you that fucking fat and ugly or what?


Even if you do look like a fat atrocious fucking black walrus, my cunt needs to be filled. My pink pie hole is throbbing and my battery operated tooth brush just died on me because of all the masturbating I've been doing.

His Reply:
lol. As far as I know, the answer would be, "no, I'm not that bad;" but then again, "that bad" depends on the eyes of the beholder. Might I ask what you are doing today, and or tomorrow?

My Reply:
Fucking your fat, ugly ass if you play your cards right...

His Reply:
Might I ask when you had this planned.


My Reply:
Oh ok, you're not interested... That's fine... I'll just pick from one of the other 120 and guys who also responded


His Reply:
(eyebrow raised) The last time I checked, unless two parties knew what time to meet and on what day, they missed each other; or am I incorrect? In which case, Were you thinking tonight, or tomorrow, and as I asked before, what time were you thinking of?

My Reply:
In which case, I don't have time for ugly, fat people, who are also smart asses... You can be 2/3 but you can't be 3/3 You've gone ahead and blown it fat man... Or should I say, you're not gonna get to blow it...

His Reply:
(bows low) apologies, you never specified to me that it was a domme/sub relationship you were looking for. As you had exercised sarcasm, I believed it was only polite to return the compliment as this was apparently becoming something of a verbal sparring match; which I love. And so, since you have already moved on, I will simply wish you the best on your endeavor.

*************************************************************************************
Victim #3:
Hi I think I can accomadate you with that?


My name is jeffrey I am not a large man by any means. I weigh about 166 lbs. 43 years of age clean, drug and disease free.
I don't drink don't smoke.

I live in Burien, I live alone very single. If you would like to call me and maybe talk and see where it goes my phone number is 206-697-****.


I am off tonight and Friday night and I don't have anything to do right now. other maybe watch a good show on tv and or go to bed, would not mind having someone over and sleeping with them. maybe having some good sex whatever that is.


thanks hope maybe your the one for me.


Jeffrey.


My Reply:
You don't drink? That might be a problem...

You're not technically my type but I'm so horny and the guys who have responded so far are really fucking obese which I can't deal with fat people because they smell like pork and I don't eat pork anymore because I've been thinkin about converting into a Muslim, and being around fat people makes me crave pork.


So I'll over look your face cause I'm in desperate need to have my rank smelly cunt filled, but I'm gonna have be a little intoxicated to fuck you.


*************************************************************************************
Victim #4:
hey girl im andrey im 18yrs old im round 5.5-6 inches long and i wanna fuck call/text/email 253 315 ****

My Reply:
Awww you're such a cutie pie.... I don't think I could have sex with you because you kinda look like my little brother...

Unless you're into roll playing... we can make it really kinky and pretend like we're brother and sister and you could tell me things like, "Ride my harder big sis"...


Oh thats really turning me on....


You wanna pretend that we're brother and sister, huh?

You wanna come over here and spank your big sister on the ass and fill my cunt with your seminal fluid?

Let's breed and make inbred babies!!
OMG I'm sooo horny...

His Reply:
yeah send me a pic


*************************************************************************************
Victim #5:
I not only have a small dick,4" I am 4'6"tall. I promiss it won't hurt.


My Reply:
OMG Your penis sounds so cute and tiny... like a roasted wiener or something...


You're kinda short though... are you like a midget or something? I kinda have a phobia of tiny things, well tiny people I should say... not tiny wieners... but I like Santas elves. I actually find them quite attractive and forbidden because they're all mystical and can fly... no wait, those are the reindeer.


But yea, I think I could over look the whole height thing but let's role play.

I'll dress up as Mrs. Claus and you can be one of Santa's elves and we're like having an affair...
Do you have a hairy chest my any chance? I have this fetish for waxing a mans chest before we fuck and get down and nasty.

His Reply:
No I am not a miget,my groth was stunted when I was 9. Are you a guy Lyle?
(This is reference to my the fake name that shows up when i send out mail)

My Reply:
am I a guy? what kinda warped, psycho midget land do u live in?


though my first name isn't legit for the obvious reason that there are evil people out there lookin for me, Lyle is my real last name.

I'm assuming ur not interested in role playin my fantasy...

His Reply: Ok,you lay on the bed and I will lick your pussy till you com.

*************************************************************************************
Victim #6:
Hey there, I saw your post and I am about 5.5 to 6 inches and I would love to get to know you. I am D&D free and I always use protection. I have some pics on my myspace that you can see, but none on this computer


My Reply:
Protection? I'm allergic to latex... I'm disease free too... I promise...


His Reply:
How can you be sure if you dont use condoms? do you get checked?

My Reply:
I perform this self cleansing ritual, where I cut a lemon in half and squeeze the juice into my vagina and let it sit there for about 5 minutes. Lemons are acidic so it kills any bacteria and possible infections that I may encounter.

I do this after every unprotected sexual encounter that I have.


The only problem about this self cleanse is that I suffer from a lot of
yeast infections, but that completely normal considering that I am disturbing the Ph balance of my vaginal canal.

The cleanse has worked every time that I have done it...

The few times I didn't do it I contracted
syphilis and gonorrhea, but that's all cleared up and in the past so I'm good to go. We could meet up tomorrow.

I'm on my last day treatment to clear up a
yeast infection that I currently have, so if you're free we could meet up.

His Reply:
What about a polyurethane condom? Thats an alternative to latex. What part of
Seattle do you live in? And do you have any pics?

My Reply:
Dammit... You caught me... I was just hoping that you would fuck me raw... I love the feeling of skin to skin, it soooo warm and moist and feeling your fine hard shaft penetrate my vaginal walls.
Boooo :(

His Reply:
Sorry, but I need an assurance that I wont get any diseases or get anyone pregnant. I'm still up for it as long as we use protection if you are.


My Reply:
Smart move... You're not as dumb as the rest of these cock sucking, loser bastards.
Have fun with that!

I guess not everyone on Craigslist is crazy. Brownie points for this smart fucker. It almost makes me want to go out of my way and help him find a real ad so he can get laid... almost...

Then he sent this and pissed me off:
Then I guess you will have fun with the rest of those cock suckers.


My Reply:
Oh yes, its like
Russian roulette.

You never know what
venereal disease you're gonna catch next...

Dumb ass. You still don't get that it's a game? Fucking moron.

I then continued talking to this kid for good minute and for the first time ever, I confessed. Well not really. This is what really happened:

His Reply:
Do you really think that the lemons do the trick?


My Reply:
Of course not!!! I'm not retarded...


His Reply:
Good, I couldn't believe what I was reading. So, I take it you aren't really allergic to latex then?


My Reply:
Last time I checked.... ummmmm nope...


His Reply:
Yeah, I didn't think so. So whats your game? Are you trying to give other people some vd that you have?


My Reply:
LOL no, no... I'm not that psychotic. I'm a blogger. I'm working on a blog about how easily it is to persuade men into having sex bareback even with complete stranger.
You're like the only guy who I've corresponded with who actually stood their ground. The rest of them were very easily persuaded... scary thought. I know this is a pretty unconventional method to do some research, but it's a lot safer then going to the bar or in public and meeting strangers who would most likely lie if they knew my angle to begin with.

Ok so it was a partial confession. Anyways, turns out this kid is only 19. Who the hell at 19 knows about polyurethane condoms?

Mad props to this kid for being so sexually aware, although I still question why was he on craigslist looking for pussy to begin with.

Probably has something to do with the whole small penis issue.

*************************************************************************************
Stay Tuned to next week for Part III of Short Short Man

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Dear Angry Girlfriend: I'm A Sexy Paramedic

I love to receive emails from the people who read my blog. It makes me feel all warm and tingly inside.

Today I received this email:

Hey angryGF. My name is chad i am a sexy paramedic who sits at work many days bored looking for something to do. Your phone sex bit on youtube was hot as hell. You really had me worked up. Any way if you would be interested in trying that with me sometime hit me back up and we can exchange number. If you want a pic of me let me know. Holla


I guess "Chad" hasn't really been paying attention. This was my reply back:

I'm assuming that you're not a regular reader of my blog since you only made mention of my Angry Girlfriends Guide to Phone Sex blog and not my blog on Confessions of a Former Phone Sex Operator.

I suggest that you read the latter. I think that perhaps you were a little overly turned on and forgot that I was once a paid professional in the art of phone sex. It's not exactly something that I do just for fun (unless I plan to record it, make fun of the person and then post the whole conversation on my blog, which I have yet to do for legal reasons).


I suggest that you continue to get off of my prerecording for free. Or I can sell you a new prerecording at a low, low price of $9.99... Fuck it... Let's just make it an even $10.00.

Maybe you could respond to an ad on craiglist and get some action that way, but considering that I do quite a bit of trolling on there, that might not be a good idea either.


P.S. It's kinda scary that you're a paramedic "who sits at work many days bored looking for something to do". Shouldn't you be out saving people from death or something?

Or is the economy so bad that people are holding off on dying because they can't afford it?

He never responded back so I'm assuming that he didn't like my little suggestion. Booo, no fun...

Oh well...

Well if anyone else wants to email me, send me an email at angrygirlfriend@gmail.com.