Thursday, June 26, 2008

The Death of a Toothbrush

I've had one of those battery operated toothbrushes for months now. The battery ran out pretty quick and I was too lazy and too cheap to buy it batteries.

Eventually, I bought new batteries to replace the old ones but when I put them in, nothing happened.

I changed the position of the batteries just in case I had placed them in the wrong way... but nothing happened.

My battery operated toothbrush just died on me for no apparent reason and I never even got to really use it for the original reason that I had bought it to begin with.

Yes, I had intentions of masturbating with my toothbrush and yes I have other toys, but I really just wanted to try out my toothbrush cause it was all vibratey and stuff.

And now I'll never know what might have been cause my toothbrush is dead.

Luckily, Cornholio's toothbrush still works, and I got to experiment with it this morning, but shhhh, don't tell him that.

So here's to my purple, battery operated toothbrush who's life span was cut unexpectedly due to some kind of malfunction.

You will be missed, but luckily, you were easy to replace.

In Memory of Purple Battery Operated Toothbrush
February 2008 - June 2008

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Freaky Female Orgy Party

I've been so incredibly horny lately that it's hard for me to think about anything else. I've been masturbating at least 3-4 times a day and been getting laid, and yet I still need more.

I want to get all of my sexy female friends together, get them wasted and just molest them all.

I should have a big female orgy, but it's probably not a good idea to sleep with all of my friends, so I should probably find some new girls on craigslist or whatever, who are really hot to invite to my Freaky Female Orgy Party.

Anyone wanna join in?

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Reality TV?

On my way to work this morning, I hear on the radio that Heidi Montag from MTV's The Hills, made a song or several songs. Whatever.

The song totally blows, but what really annoys me is that this chic, along with everyone else who's on The Hills, is basically famous for being a little, rich snobs, much like Paris Hilton.

Where has all the talent gone?

By the way, reality TV sucks. I don't understand why everyone who has a show is either rich and/or already famous.

And someone please explain to me the logic behind giving an actor or actress a reality TV show. How do you know if they're being for real or just acting for the camera?

If ordinary people play it up for the camera, why would a Hollywood celebrity do any different?

Just for the sake of throwing out some names, ummm, lets go with Denise Richards. Do I really care that you think you're life is complicated? No not really.

You have money and I don't. I have to invent a whole fantasy world just to keep myself from dying of boredom while I'm at a job I can't stand, while you work... what?... once, twice, three times tops, a year while the rest of the time you're either home spending time with your kids or paying some nanny to spend time with your kids while you go to the spa to relax or do whatever the hell it is you celebrities do to pass time when you're not working.

How about giving us regular, normal people a shot at reality TV?

Oh that's right... Normal people actually have to work to make their money. Not so great for TV I suppose.

You know why I should have a reality TV show? Because I'm an ordinary person, who's broke off their ass, but I can still party like the best of them.

You wanna see some girls getting down and dirty, shit-faced, and getting into some girl-on-girl action?

That's a typical weekend for me. And I ain't rich, bitch!

Matter of fact, I think Angry Girlfriend is about to start her own podcast. Hell yeah!

Take that, Hollywood!

Saturday, June 21, 2008

My Secret Online Life Part II: Pixie & Becky

Pixie and Becky are characters I created on yahoo messenger. I created Pixie and Becky as a way to get through slow work days.

I use these two characters to chat with random strangers in yahoo chat rooms, but only if they are from India or some where else in the Middle East, or African.

The reason? Because they believe anything I say and buy into my bullshit. Then even buy into the fake pictures I send them.

Sounds mean? Maybe just a little, but obviously I have nothing better to do. Besides, they're overseas. It's not like I'm on eHarmony chatting up with locals pretending to be some guy named Bob.

Oh wait... Yeah, I am. Oh well. They'll get over it.

So now I'd like to introduce you to Pixie and Becky:

Pixie is a 24-year-old lesbian who lives with her girlfriend of 4 years, Bianca who is 26. Pixie is white and Bianca is Brazilian.

Pixie works as a free lance writer who has a masters in Psychology from Barry University. She's attending school to get her doctorate. Her girlfriend, Bianca is an interior designer. They reside in Miami, Florida and live with their 2 Italian Grey Hounds, Taeko and Speedo.

Pixie met Bianca 4 years ago while vacationing in Puerto Rico. They hit it off immediately and when they both realized that lived nearby in Miami, they decided right then and there that it was fate that had brought them together.

Upon returning to Miami, they moved in together later that same week. The two have been inseparable ever since.

Becky is a 21-year-college student. She's bisexual and bought her first home just 4 months ago with the money she has earned working as an exotic dancer. She's been working as an exotic dancer since she was 17, using a fake I.D. of course.

She recently decided to have her best friend and sometimes lover, Sam (short for Samantha), move in with her as a roommate because she hated coming home to an empty house.

She and Sam are both originally from Miami, but they decided to move up to Maryland after both were accepted at the University of Maryland.

They both recently just graduated with their Bachelors in Psychology. Becky is planning to continue her education and will start classes for her Masters in the fall.

Sam also works as an exotic dancer.

Becky does a lot of dating but refuses to commit to anyone. She's sexually active in the community and most people would say that calling her promiscuous is an understatement.

When she's not shaking her ass for a dollar bill, Becky likes to hang out by the pool or have sex with Sam, or anyone else for that matter.

Becky owns a grey fluffy cat who she calls Smirnoff.

Oh, and Becky has a page on MySpace, which I'm sure you people would love to see, but I'm not gonna post it. Let's see if you can find her on your own.

The lies go on and on. Isn't in scary that there are people like me out there on the internet?

I'm sure most people would think that only a person who is crazy would go through all the trouble.

I'm not crazy, I swear. Well, maybe just a little.

However, I do get really bored at work and I really don't have anything better to do, so yes I do create fictional characters to get through the day.

But hey, the good news is I don't target people who live anywhere nearby. My targets are always overseas and for some unknown reason can always be found in the Washington, DC chat rooms on yahoo.

Anyways, I'm off to go pretend that I'm a 21-year-old stripper.

A special thank you goes out to Titusville for giving me the idea to start including story plots. I just love it when people encourage me to do naughty things.

If anyone else has any ideas on what should go on in the life of Becky or Pixie, or if you want to help me screen who Bob and Jane should date, send me an email:

Thursday, June 19, 2008

My Secret Online Life Part I: Bob & Jane

I obviously have way too much free time on my hands. I have more online persona's that sometimes I forget who I'm suppose to be. But today, I wanted to talk about my online persona, Bob.

Bob is a character I invented on eHarmony. He's a 35-year-old, white male, who has a Masters in Psychology. He's also everything I always knew I never wanted in a man.

He's conceded, arrogant, self-absorbed, and much of his other character traits are based off of Cornholio.

I created Bob as a way of seeing how many woman would be interested in such an asshole. To my surprise, a lot more then I had suspected. Must be a lot of desperate woman out there.

I have a hard time keeping up with Bob's email because his inbox is flooded with mail from woman who want to date him.

I guess you could say that Bob is an online pimp.

Jane is my persona on Ashley Madison which is a site for married people to find other people to have discreet affairs with. Twisted, ain't it?

Jane is 29-years-old, happily married for 3 years and is just looking for a little extra curricular activities.

She's feisty, horny, loud mouth, kinky, and more then willing to try anything, and I mean anything.

Keeping up with her email is nearly impossible and sometimes requires me to ask my friends for help. Of course, they all think I'm crazy.

But I like to think of myself as Bob and Jane's personal assistant. Even if they don't exist. The best part about working for Bob and Jane is that I get to read all their naughty emails and reply to them.

Sometime I start to feel guilty case it almost feels like I'm invading their privacy, but then I remember that they don't actually exist and I stop feeling guilty.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Father's Day with Angry Girlfriend

As we all know, The Boyfriend and I, who I will now refer to as Cornholio, are an odd couple. I know I've said it before, but I'm gonna say it again: He irritates me like a yeast infection irritates my vagina.

I had the worst Mother's Day because of him being an asshole.

To start, I didn't even get a fucking card, let alone a gift, but then to top it all off, I had gotten really sick unexpectedly, the evening of Mother's Day and ended up puking throughout the night. Instead of Cornholio taking care of me like a normal, caring partner would, the asswipe had the nerve to tell me, "When you're done throwing up, clean up. It stinks in here". Mind you, I was actually in the process of throwing up when he said that to me.

So of course, for Father's Day, I didn't get him a card. But I did get him a small gift.

I bought him a can of cat food, and no we don't own a cat.

Random, useless, and pointless, kinda like he is.

Then I left and went to a Father's Day cookout... without him.

It's guys like him that affirm my belief that Father's Day shouldn't even exist.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Close to the Edge

I've heard many times and from many different people, that I would be the last person that they would want to talk to if they were ever on the verge on committing suicide.

Apparently, I'm a real asshole, and whatever comes out my mouth would more then likely make you wanna just end it all.

I was talking to Too-Tall when she make the comment about bad about feeling like a slut. To which I replied, "well at least you know that you're a slut", which is probably more then likely not what she wanted to hear, but you know the saying, "If it looks like a slut, and acts like a slut..."

Suddenly I got this idea. What if I were to create a profession where I could convince people to commit suicide. Like a Suicide hot line. Only instead of helping them, I'd push them over the edge.

I know to a lot of people, this is probably not funny, but most people who really want to kill themselves, get it right the first time around.

If you're on your 3rd or 4th attempt, then either you're not trying hard enough or you're just looking for attention... the wrong way.

A much better way to get attention would be to sell crack to a bunch of elementary school kids and then call the police and give an anonymous tip. You'll surely end up on the news that way. Or you can just simply sign up for a reality TV show. Most of the people who are on reality TV show, are attention seekers. If they hadn't of invented reality TV, most of those people would have been on their 4th or 5th attempt at suicide by now.

So how would one of these "Over-the-Edge" phone calls with me sound like. Let's take a look at several examples.

Example #1. Attention seeker:

Here we have Jill, who is 24-years-old, 50 lbs over weight, and feels less then attractive:

Jill: I wanna kill myself cause I'm so fat and ugly. No one wants to go out with me and everyone I know, hates me!

Me: Jill, how fat are you?

Jill: What? What does that matter? I feel so ugly and disgusting.

Me: Wow, you must be the size of a mammoth!

Jill: Oh my GOD! How could you say that to me?

Me: Jill, you're losing focus. You want to kill yourself cause your fat, ugly, and pathetic. Go on...

Jill: Hey, wait. I never said I was pathetic...

Me: Well, you're fat an ugly, right? Just thought I'd throw in pathetic as a bonus.

Jill: Gosh, you're really mean...

Me: Jill, stay with me here. You want to kill yourself, remember?

Jill: Ye... Actually, no, not really. I just wanna go lie in bed with a bowl of ice cream.

Me: Good idea. Eat your fat ass to death. Very creative. I like that.

Jill: You're such a bitch. I'm hanging up.

Me: Wait, Jill. Don't forget to add tons of chocolate syrup and sprinkles. The more you eat, the quicker you'll die.

Jill: Asshole. (click)

Example #2. Another Attention Seeker:

Here we have Jack, who is a 35-year-old man. He's caught his wife cheating on him with his brother:

Jack: (sobbing) I just found out that my wife of 7 years has been cheating on me with my brother. I'm so stupid. How could I not have noticed? I'm a pathetic loser. I'm going to kill myself.

Me: How long has your wife been fucking your brother?

Jack: Fuck, do you have to say it like that? About 5 years.

Me: Fucking, sucking, licking, sticking. What does it matter how I say it? You're wife's a whore and you're a dumb ass.

Jack: Hey, don't call my wife a whore. And I'm not a dumb ass!

Me: Oh yeah? Then what do you call a guy who didn't realize that his wife and brother have been fucking for 5 out of the 7 years that you two have been married?

Jack: Oh my God! You're right! I am a dumb ass. I have no reason to live.

Me: Yeah, well you are a loser. Most guys would've been like "fuck that bitch", yet here you are crying like a little bitch. You're a sorry excuse for a man. How about you take the bitch way out, and pop some pills.

Jack: I'm not a bitch! And I'm not gonna die like one!

Me: Whatever you say, bitch...

Jack: You know what? You're a bitch!

Me: I see someones balls are starting to grow back. But you're still pathetic.

Jack: You're such a fucking little cunt. Fuck you!

Me: You know what? If you were really a man, you'd go talk your bullshit to your slutty wife who's probably fucking the shit outta your brother right now as we speak.

Jack: YEAH! I'm gonna give that bitch a piece of my mind! I'll be damned if she tries to screw me on some alimony!

Me: Have fun with that.

Jack: Yeah, thanks. (click)

Example #3. A Real Suicidal Person:

So I'm just waiting around for the phone to ring. Still waiting. But guess what? The suicidal person isn't gonna call. Do you know why? Cause he's already dead.

People who want to commit suicide aren't gonna call me, or any hot line for that matter. Do you know why? Cause they aren't looking for attention like the attention seekers. They want to die and nothing is gonna get in their way.

Suicide is usually an impulse decision which why only 12%-20% of people who commit suicide even bother to leave a note.

So I guess technically, I wouldn't be in the business of pushing people over the edge. I'd be in business for getting people to realize that they're stupid, pathetic, self absorbed assholes, who aren't gonna really hurt themselves because they don't really want to die. They just want attention.

Besides, everyone knows that when you commit suicide, you'll only end up in some kinda purgatory that can be described as kinda like where we are now, only worse. Don't know what I'm talking about? Go see Wristcutters: A Love Story.

Why don't you attention seekers just go and sign up for a reality TV show, like all the other normal self-absorbed, attention seeking assholes do?

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Angry Girlfriend's Top 5 Unattractive Celebs That I'd Still Bone

We've all had moments when we have found ourselves attracted to people that we didn't necessarily find physically attractive.

Well, I've decided to list my Top 5 Celebrities Not-So-Attractive crushes, that I would still totally have sex with, listed in the order of who I'd bone first to last:

1. Anthony Bourdain - Host of Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations on the Travel Channel
He's a chain smoker, loves to drink... a lot, is sarcastic and foul mouthed, and he tends to make tons of sexual references. What's not to love? He seems to be quite the asshole, but strangely, it really turns me on.

2. Trace Cyrus - Vocals & Guitar for Metro Station
I think this kid is scrawny and awkward looking. But he's got a ton of tattoos and he seems to be completely oblivious to the fact that he's probably not as attractive as he thinks he is. He gives off an aura of cockiness, even though he has nothing to be that cocky about, and for whatever reason, it really turns me on.

3. Christopher Walken - Actor
He's a great actor and has been in a ton of movies, but he's old as balls. However, something about his mannerism and his voice just seem to really get my vaginal juices flowing.

4. Napoleon Dynamite - Movie Character Played by Jon Heder
Though not technically a real person, the character of Napoleon Dynamite was just such and loser, and clumsy. Really he was just kinda sad and pathetic, but there was an innocence in him that just made me want to corrupt the hell out of him. Napoleon Dynamite just seemed to kinda turn me on. Gosh!

5. Kevin Federline - The Ex Mr. Britney Spears
Some people might argue that he is attractive, but I just don't see it. Though I still think he's quite a bit of a fuck up and a freeloader, something about him becoming a more responsible parent then Britney Spears made me do a double take on this guy and it kinda turned me on. Unfortunately, he still loses some points for that lame ass song, PopoZ√£o.

And there you have it. Angry Girlfriends Top 5 Unattractive Celebs That I'd Still Bone.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Parking Ticket

Last week, I was pretty surprised when I happen to find a green envelope on my windshield as I was leaving The Boyfriend's mothers house. In bold letter, it said Parking Violation Enclosed.

The first thing that popped into my mind was a secret that I had once seen posted on Post Secret. Here's the actual secret:

Makes you think twice, right? So the first thing I checked for was my license plate number as well as all the other vital info. I was certain that this was a joke or something. But I was wrong.

Sure enough, there was my tag number, make, model and all that other good shit. I was a little confused about how I could've gotten a parking ticket while parked in a residential neighborhood.

It would be one thing if I had been parked out in D.C. or another big city, but I was parked in a suburb outside of D.C., so how the hell was this possible?

Then I noticed what the violation was for: Against the flow of traffic- passenger side must be on curb.

And while this was true, I was a little pissed off because I've parked in this particular neighborhood hundreds of times in the same exact manner that I have always parked, and never, not once, have I been ticketed for this dumb ass violation.

And what pisses me off the most is that there were other cars in the neighborhood that were also parked the same way that I was, and they didn't get a ticket. Not only that, but since I've go there just about every day, I seen cars parked all the time "against the flow of traffic" and I have yet to see anyone of them get a fucking parking ticket.

Obviously, the cop who signed the ticket "A", must of meant for the A to stand for asshole, because that's exactly what they are.

I bet Office Asshole is a rookie cop and has nothing better to do, or just wanted to prove something to all his new copper friends. Matter fact, I'm pretty sure that Officer Asshole is indeed a woman.

Men, in general, just aren't as petty or as evil as women are. They tend to lack those hormones that turn most woman into bitches.

Maybe Office Asshole was PMSing and singled out my car because it reminded her of her ex-cheating boyfriend's car. Who the hell knows, but I do know that I was singled out, which means I have no choice but to take it to trial...

Maaaaan, who am I kidding? I'm way too lazy for all that...

But I will be on the look out for Officer Asshole. Hell, misery loves company, and if i gotta pay the county $50-fucking-dollars for bullshit, I'm about to bring a lot of people down with me.

"Hey! Officer Asshole! You missed one... Over there... That silver Mountaineer..."

You know what they say... If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Angry Girlfriend Says...

I had a real good blog for today... But I'm pushing it till to tomorrow cause I really need to get this off my chest...

We all know that The Boyfriend irritates the shit out of me...

He irritates me like a yeast infection irritates my vagina.

I mean, shit man, stop buggin me with your bullshit all the damn time.

The world doesn't revolve around you... It revolves around me!!!

So go take a chill pill and get the hell off my asshole!!!


By the way... You're red eyeball is seriously disturbing. Go see a doctor for that shit before it falls off.

Rant over. I'll hit ya'll up tomorrow with the good shit.

Monday, June 2, 2008

Here's To Friends!

Last weekend, my uncle pointed out to me that he had noticed how my female friends and I interact with one another.

Apparently he was a little disturbed at the fact that we tend to touch each other "inappropriately". I guess he was as disturbed to see me inappropriately touch my friends as I was watching him hit on them. But anyways...

Simply put, I told him my number one rule of friendship. That rule is as follows:

If I can't touch you inappropriately, then you can't be my friend.

That's it... Simple enough I think.

If I can't hump and grind on you on the dance floor, then you're boring.

If I can't give you a lap dance, then your friendship doesn't interest me.

If I can't walk over and randomly grab your ass, tits, or crotch, then there's no point in being friends.

If you threaten me with a sexual harassment suit, then you better watch your back cause I don't have nothing to lose at this point, so I'm definitely gonna touch inappropriately.

I can't help it. That's just how I am with my girlfriends. Love it, or hate it.

When I'm with friends, regardless of whether or not we've been drinking, theres a few things that you can always guarantee that will happen before the end of the night:

1. I will always end up bent over shaking my ass on one of my girlfriends.

2. I will always end up spread eagle on the floor at some time during the night.

3. I will always end up humping someone.

4. I will always end up giving at least one of my girlfriends a lap dance.

5. And of course, I will always end up grabbing someones tit, ass or other private part.

Yep, so that's me. The girl who's main friendship requirement is the ability to molest her friends and for them to enjoy it and molest me back.

Love you guys!

Who wants to come over and have a few drinks with me? I swear I wont spike it this time... Or so I wont have to if you just give me what I want... hehehehehehe