To All the Special Moms I Know

With Mother's Day only a few days away, I thought I would take the time to throw into the spot light some of the most important mothers in my life:

My Cousin E and her wife J:
You guys are so cute and you're kick ass moms. I love to party with you guys cause you always keep shit so entertaining, especially when you pick on Frijolero and give him random nicknames (which actually end up sticking *cough* Billiard).

He's such a pain in my ass, but obviously, I'm not the only one who feels that way, and you guys make me feel sane for feeling that he's a dingle berry hanging relentlessly from my asshole hairs.

My Cousin Ciara:
You're real life is much more interesting then the L Word. You've got more lesbian and hetero drama then anyone I know.

You're baby has already had 2 step Mommy's and she hasn't even been born yet. (How do you keep getting pregnant if you're a lesbian?).

We've been partners in crime since forever. Like the time we both got jobs working at the strip club. Lots of free booze and drugs. Good times...

My Sister "Sprite":
This bitch has taught me that not all fat people are happy and jolly. In fact, some fat people are mean and bitchy because they're angry that they're fat.

When I'm on the verge of a psychotic break and all I want to do it go strangle certain people, then stuff them into the back of my trunk, she has been the voice of reason with advice like, "Don't do it... Unless you're positive that you can get away with it" or "It's okay to kill people if they're ugly because ugly people make me sad".

My Grandmother:
This lovely woman has always been so open about her sex life. In fact, on a visit to Miami with Frijolero, she let us borrow her place.

When I called her to let her know we had made it there ok, she had this to tell me, "If you guys want to watch some porn, I keep it in the top drawer of my nightstand".

Thanks Grandma, but you forgot to mentions that your dildos and other sex toys were in the 2nd drawer of your nightstand.

My Aunt:
Even though shes not a mother (she hates kids and because of her, I learned how to use the F-word in like 50 ways by the time I was 7), she still played a very pivotal role.

If there was one thing I could be certain about, it was that I would always find some pretty interesting things in her room. From gay porn, to handcuffs on the bed, chocolate penis', and condom lollipops.

When I had expressed my interest to her in woman, she was the one to buy me my first strap-on with this advice: "You might not need it, but it might make things more interesting. Let me know how it went".

My Other Aunt:
Honestly, she's kinda boring. Never been promiscuous, or adventurous. She's actually pretty lame.

She's the one who freaked out when my kid said the word "penis". Enough said...

Last but not least, My Mom:
I could've sworn she use to be cooler. Now she spends most of her time trying to censor me or bitchin me out for getting yet another tattoo.

She makes a lot of sexual references when she thinks that no one will catch on (which of course, I always do), then gets mad at me for calling her out because I'm a perv.

Oh mom, you probably had no idea when I came out of your vagina what you were really in for. I'm exactly like you but worse. Actually, I'm more like my grandmother, then I am like you, so that's a relief... For me... Not you...

And by the way, I totally heard you when you called me a bitch under your breath that day. Takes one to know one. You ain't that slick, woman. He he he.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom!

And to all the other mothers out there, hope you all have a Happy Mother's Day!

Inauguration Day

I had happened to hear that people living in the DC metropolitan area were putting up their houses up for renting for Inauguration Day at ridiculously high prices.

I started to think to myself, "Well I live in the DC area. I wonder how much I could get for my house?"

So back onto Craigslist I went, but this time, my ad is genuine. So this is my ad:

2br - Every one else is renting their homes for Inauguration, might as well (Maryland)

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Reply to: hous-925330232@craigslist.org ^[?]
Date: 2008-11-19, 9:35AM EST


Approx a 20 minute drive to downtown DC. Close to shopping centers. Less then a mile to I-95.

I have a 2 story condo. 2 Bedrooms, 1 full bath, 1/2 bath.

If you want to have a smoke out on my deck, that's fine, but absolutely no smoking inside the house.

Also, if you're pets are house trained, you're more then welcomed to bring them for the week.

You get the whole place to yourself. I wont be around because to be quite honest, I really don't care about the whole Inauguration thing.

$10,000 for the whole week or best offer. If you're interested in a shorter stay, we can still work something out.

ALL OFFERS WILL BE CONSIDERED.

Like I said, I really don't care about the Inauguration thing, so I wont be around anyways. Might as well make some cash while I'm away.

Now of course, I don't actually expect to make that much money from renting my house for a week, but I figured, start high cause people will surely respond and bid low.

I do have a magic number in mind, and if I get that offer, I surely wouldn't mind being inconvenienced for a week, maybe less.

I would tell you guys but, who knows. Someone out there reading my blog might actually be interested in renting my house for Inauguration Day.

They say it's a historical event. Personally, I don't really see the big deal. The new president being sworn in is just a darker shade of white.

Anyhow, let the bidding wars begin!

Angry Girlfriend Day Decided

In case you haven't been paying attention to the poll on the right hand side of this page, the poll has ended for deciding on Angry Girlfriend Day.

The majority all seemed to believe that Angry Girlfriend Day should be held on October 15th, and I agree.

On October 15th, 2009, I will create some sort of event to which any and females will be invited.

October 15th is the official Angry Girlfriend Day! Just keep it noted in your calendars.

Angry Girlfriend Day Poll

So I've decided on 3 dates for the official Angry Girlfriend Day.

Let me break it down and give you an explanation on the 3 dates so that you can understand where I'm coming from.

July 9th - That would be the day I had the Angry Girlfriend tattoo, so it's kinda the birth of Angry Girlfriend.

September 7th - This is the day that I started the Angry Girlfriend blog. Another kinda birth of Angry Girlfriend.


October 15th - That would be the day that Cornholio ripped through his mothers vagina and all hell broke lose. Instead of celebrating his birthday, I would now have something better to do.

"Hey, it's not my fault Angry Girlfriend Day happens to fall on your birthday. This is what the public wanted".

I'm such an asshole, I know...

So now that you've all been informed, please choose wisely.

Angry Girlfriend Day

So I been thinking for a long time that maybe there should be some sort of holiday dedicated to me. It would be called Angry Girlfriend Day and it would be dedicated to all the women who have been scorned by a past or present lover.

Basically, it would include every woman in the world.

I'd make one huge festival out of it.

It'll be celebrated either in July or September, but I'll let my readers pick. I'll set up a poll for that later.

There would be booze, angry girlfriends sharing stories with other angry girlfriends about how their current or ex-lover is a real fuck up, games to help relieve the stress of dealing with morons, more booze, and a bunch of other stuff that I haven't quite figured out yet, so if anyone else out there has any ideas, please feel free to pitch in.

One of the games I've come up with is Angry Girlfriend Bobbing the Apple in which we'd paste a picture of ex or current lover to an apple. The point of the game would be to bite off as much of their face off as possible, spit the mauled apple to the ground and shout profanities at it. The angry girlfriend with the most rage wins.

Sounds like fun, right?

Another game would be Choke That Stupid Bitch To Death. This would be geared more towards those damn medaling family members. We'd take a life sized doll and paste a picture of your ex or current lovers most bothersome, family member. In my case, it would be Cornholio's sister. Then you choke, kick, spit, stab, or do anything else that you feel necessary to that fucking medaling family member, while shouting as much profanity as you can. Like Angry Girlfriend Bobbing the Apple, the angry girlfriend with the most rage wins.

The highlight of Angry Girlfriend day would be the Stab-Your-Ex-Lover-in-the-Back game, which would be like some sort of piñata that we could all throw darts at, as we angrily scream the reasons why we are so mad at this person. The angry girlfriend who destroys her piñata and screams the loudest and displays the most rage wins.

At the end of the festival, there would be an Angry Girlfriend pageant. Angry Girlfriends would be invited to give speeches on why they are so angry at their ex or current lover. The Angry Girlfriend with the best speech and the most rage wins.

I know what you're thinking.

Angry Girlfriend, you're such a humanitarian. Always coming up with these brilliant ideas to help the people.

And yes, you're absolutely right. It's okay. You don't owe me anything. Just consider it my gift to you. Just another one of my Angry Girlfriend public services.

Instead of paying thousands of dollars for a shrink to make you answer your own questions, you can get instant relief from me.

I invite you all to come and release your rage on Angry Girlfriend Day... once I have a date picked. Muahahahahahahahahahahahahaha (For those of you who don't know, that's my evil laugh).

Father's Day with Angry Girlfriend

As we all know, The Boyfriend and I, who I will now refer to as Cornholio, are an odd couple. I know I've said it before, but I'm gonna say it again: He irritates me like a yeast infection irritates my vagina.

I had the worst Mother's Day because of him being an asshole.

To start, I didn't even get a fucking card, let alone a gift, but then to top it all off, I had gotten really sick unexpectedly, the evening of Mother's Day and ended up puking throughout the night. Instead of Cornholio taking care of me like a normal, caring partner would, the asswipe had the nerve to tell me, "When you're done throwing up, clean up. It stinks in here". Mind you, I was actually in the process of throwing up when he said that to me.

So of course, for Father's Day, I didn't get him a card. But I did get him a small gift.

I bought him a can of cat food, and no we don't own a cat.

Random, useless, and pointless, kinda like he is.

Then I left and went to a Father's Day cookout... without him.

It's guys like him that affirm my belief that Father's Day shouldn't even exist.