Thursday, May 7, 2009

To All the Special Moms I Know

With Mother's Day only a few days away, I thought I would take the time to throw into the spot light some of the most important mothers in my life:

My Cousin E and her wife J:
You guys are so cute and you're kick ass moms. I love to party with you guys cause you always keep shit so entertaining, especially when you pick on Frijolero and give him random nicknames (which actually end up sticking *cough* Billiard).

He's such a pain in my ass, but obviously, I'm not the only one who feels that way, and you guys make me feel sane for feeling that he's a dingle berry hanging relentlessly from my asshole hairs.

My Cousin Ciara:
You're real life is much more interesting then the L Word. You've got more lesbian and hetero drama then anyone I know.

You're baby has already had 2 step Mommy's and she hasn't even been born yet. (How do you keep getting pregnant if you're a lesbian?).

We've been partners in crime since forever. Like the time we both got jobs working at the strip club. Lots of free booze and drugs. Good times...

My Sister "Sprite":
This bitch has taught me that not all fat people are happy and jolly. In fact, some fat people are mean and bitchy because they're angry that they're fat.

When I'm on the verge of a psychotic break and all I want to do it go strangle certain people, then stuff them into the back of my trunk, she has been the voice of reason with advice like, "Don't do it... Unless you're positive that you can get away with it" or "It's okay to kill people if they're ugly because ugly people make me sad".

My Grandmother:
This lovely woman has always been so open about her sex life. In fact, on a visit to Miami with Frijolero, she let us borrow her place.

When I called her to let her know we had made it there ok, she had this to tell me, "If you guys want to watch some porn, I keep it in the top drawer of my nightstand".

Thanks Grandma, but you forgot to mentions that your dildos and other sex toys were in the 2nd drawer of your nightstand.

My Aunt:
Even though shes not a mother (she hates kids and because of her, I learned how to use the F-word in like 50 ways by the time I was 7), she still played a very pivotal role.

If there was one thing I could be certain about, it was that I would always find some pretty interesting things in her room. From gay porn, to handcuffs on the bed, chocolate penis', and condom lollipops.

When I had expressed my interest to her in woman, she was the one to buy me my first strap-on with this advice: "You might not need it, but it might make things more interesting. Let me know how it went".

My Other Aunt:
Honestly, she's kinda boring. Never been promiscuous, or adventurous. She's actually pretty lame.

She's the one who freaked out when my kid said the word "penis". Enough said...

Last but not least, My Mom:
I could've sworn she use to be cooler. Now she spends most of her time trying to censor me or bitchin me out for getting yet another tattoo.

She makes a lot of sexual references when she thinks that no one will catch on (which of course, I always do), then gets mad at me for calling her out because I'm a perv.

Oh mom, you probably had no idea when I came out of your vagina what you were really in for. I'm exactly like you but worse. Actually, I'm more like my grandmother, then I am like you, so that's a relief... For me... Not you...

And by the way, I totally heard you when you called me a bitch under your breath that day. Takes one to know one. You ain't that slick, woman. He he he.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom!

And to all the other mothers out there, hope you all have a Happy Mother's Day!

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