Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Honey Honestly: What's Your Number?

We’ve all been there. You’re sitting there on the couch with your significant other, whom at this point, you probably haven’t been dating for anymore then 3 months, when suddenly they turn to you and ask, “So honey, how many people have you slept with?”

No one really wants to answer this question truthfully, and the person who asked the question more then likely doesn’t want a truthful answer, and yet, for some unknown reason this question always seems to pop up at some point in a relationship.

So how do you answer? Well, if you’re anything like me, you lie. My number has stayed at 6 for… well… let’s just say a long time. Funny thing about it is that the number 6 seems to be the standard number for most women.

Every woman that I know that does have a higher number then 6, will always tell her current partner that he is number 6. Hell, I’ll be damned if I ratted them out. After all, I’m a liar, too! (Not that I’ve been overly promiscuous, but some people just didn’t count, hehe).

But what I don’t get is why is it that when a guy is asked about his number, the answer is always something like, “I can’t remember” or some ridiculously high number which of course is, 99% of the time, a flat out lie.

Woman tend to knock off a few people from their list because “it didn’t count” or because they don’t like to seem promiscuous, but men tend to exaggerate because a higher number makes them seem more macho to their male buddies who of course are also lying.

I don’t think these men get that woman don’t like promiscuous men anymore then men like promiscuous woman. A whore is a whore, regardless of gender, and I don’t see shit in a guy who claims to have a high number of sexual partners. It’s actually a major turn-off to most women. So even if you happen to be one of those guys who really does have a ridiculously high number, unless you were or are currently a porn star, I suggest you start lying about you’re number, too!

I don’t normally advocate lying in a relationship but in this case, it’s probably the better option because even though you’re partner may ask you the question, it doesn’t mean that they necessarily want hear the truth.

If you happen to be one of those people who really feels the need to figure out the truth, here’s a good way to get a more accurate estimate of how many past lovers your current boy/girlfriend has had:

*To get a more accurate estimate number for a female, multiply whatever number of sexual partners she claims to have had by 2. (Ex. If she claims 3, then it’s more likely 6. If she claims 6, then it’s more likely 12, etc.)

*To get a more accurate estimate number for a male, divide whatever number of sexual partners he claims to have had by 3. (Ex. If he claims 20, then it’s more likely 6. If he claims 36, then it’s more likely 12, etc.)

*Note: This formula does not apply to people who have worked in the following industries: porn, whore houses, escorts, strippers, prostitutes, Hollywood actors and actresses and Hugh Hefner.

Should your partner ever happen to ask you who has been the best lover you’ve had, the answer should always be, “Are you kidding me? You, honey. You’re the best”. I don’t care if your current sexual partner is like a cold dead fish in the sack. The answer to the question should always be the person you’re currently with, that is unless you’re on a suicide mission.

Why do people even bother to ask these damn questions? Because we’re all in some way a little bit narcissistic and egocentric. We all want to hear that we are the best fuck, cocksucker, carpet-muncher, etc., even if it is a lie.

Of course, I just happen to know that I am very good at what I do, and I don’t need any reassurance about it. I guess I’m just full of myself. ;)

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Confessions of a Former Phone Sex Operator

I’ve decided to finally reveal what really went on, on the other side of the line while I was working as a Phone Sex Operator.

This is going to both shock and piss the hell out of some of you, but I really don’t give a shit.

As most of you know, most phone sex operators tend to lie about what they do for a living since telling people that they’re a phone sex operator, well I really don’t have a fucking clue why they lie. I, however, was not the typical phone sex operator who lied. Every one of my friends and family knew exactly what I was doing for a living, as well as any person who asked me what I did for a living.

I didn’t have any shame then, and I don’t now. I made money from home, talking dirty to someone else’s boyfriend, husband, or some single lonely guy and I all I had to do is fake some horny noises and an orgasm, which as you may know, most women tend to do anyways. I just happen to get paid for faking it, and there was no physical contact which just made it easier.

Now before I start my confession, let me just quickly point out that not all, matter of fact, the majority of phone sex operators don’t do this kind of shit. I just happen to be a real asshole… well that and a lot of the clients would piss me off after some time so I really just didn’t give a shit at that point. Besides, no matter what you may think, working as a phone sex operator is really not a lucrative form of income, which partially explains why I became increasingly bitchy over time.

So this is my personal account of what really happened during most of those calls, as well as some of my thoughts about the people who called me:

1. I never actually did any of those things that I said I did. I never masturbated on any call. Ever.

2. I was usually doing my homework while telling you that I was fucking myself with a suction cup dildo.

3. On several occasions, I was having sex with my boyfriend while talking to you. Actually, this happened more frequently then not.

4. If I told you that I was going outside to masturbate on the deck it was only because I was really just going outside to smoke a cigarette.

5. I couldn’t take your calls during the day because I was caring for my toddler, not because I’m a 19-year-old college student who had classes in the morning like I told you guys.

6. It wasn’t completely a lie. I was a 24-year-old college student who was taking classes online. Needless to say, those weren’t my pictures you were masturbating to.

7. The dirty panties you ordered from me were bought from the $1 store and were never worn by me. I wiped them around dirty surfaces to give them a worn look, then washed them and rubbed them in fish, to give it the pussy smell you asked for.

8. You paid $40 for those panties and I got to keep 90% of that. I just made a $35 profit.

9. Speaking of which, those panties cost whatever the hell I say they cost. If you pissed me off, or I was having a bad day, I jacked up the price on you, and you were still more then willing to pay for it.

10. When some of you asked me to saying something sexy to you in Spanish, I would usually say "Quiero que me pagas mas dinero pa pagar la renta". When you asked me what it meant, I told you that it meant, "Your dick is so big, I want you to fuck me". It really means "I want you to pay me more money so I can pay my rent". Not even close, but how the hell would you know?

11. Because of the minimum 10 minute rule, those of you who finished in 5 minutes or less were my favorite clients. I still got paid for the full 10 minutes.

12. I also liked those of you who hung up right after finishing. Those of you who stayed on the line to make small talk just because you still had like 2 minutes left, irritated the shit out of me. As if I haven’t been faking the whole time, now I got to fake small talk with you too?

13. I know that I worked for a site to claim to be “No Taboos”, but some of you had some really insane request. Like the psycho who wanted me to cut my nipple off and mail it to him, and shove a hot curing iron up my pussy. What part of fantasy don’t you understand? I’m certainly not going to really cut off my nipple in the first place. How about we shove that hot curling iron up your asshole, you sick fuck?!

14. Those of you who didn’t call for phone sex, but called just because you wanted someone to talk to, I really did sympathize with. Guess I’m not a total bitch after all.

15. If you called me Friday or Saturday night, chances are I was tipsy, or maybe a little more then tipsy. In either case, I had friends over who heard everything on speaker, which you gave me permission to do thinking that my friends and I were going to get all horny and fuck each other.

16. We were actually trying to stop ourselves from laughing right then and there.

17. Yes, we did laugh hysterically afterwards. Then again, I guess I am a bitch.

Shocking, isn’t it?

Let me just reiterate that the majority of phone sex operators are not like me, and since I am now out of the industry, you can now rest a bit easier knowing that I’m no longer taking calls and you wont be the butt of my jokes.

I don’t believe that all clients who call phone sex operators are desperate, ugly, or pathetic. In fact, I think that phone sex is a healthy means for self exploration. But after being in the industry for quite some time, I guess I just started to become annoyed with certain client request, which is why I left the industry to begin with.

So don’t let my little confessional deter you from calling up a phone sex operator. I wasn’t always such a bitch doing the job, just towards the end. It kind of gets old and some clients are just assholes who deserved to be mocked and made fun of.

P.S. to all you assholes who I'm talking about, just so you know, phone sex operators DO trade notes with each other about certain "troublesome" clients. If you piss off enough phone sex operators, eventually you get blacklisted. That blacklist does travel to other phone sex companies, especially if you're the kind of person who likes doing chargebacks.

I know that it was a real asshole thing for me to do all these things, let alone share them for the world to read, but I really don't give a flying fuck. I'm a bitch. Get over it.

To all those clients who were jerks and fucked me over by doing a chargeback, or who wanted me to act out some really demented fantasy that was so sick and twisted that I eventually had to just stop answering your calls altogether, and to the jerk off’s who made appointments with me so I would call them outside of my normal hours but then screwed me over by claming that they didn’t have the time right then and there but would then try to keep me on the line for as much time as possible, and to all the other assholes who pissed me off, I bid you this final “Go fuck yourself!”.

Monday, November 12, 2007

The Wondrous Vulva Puppet

Recently on The Tyra Banks Show, there was a segment which featured “The Wondrous Vulva Puppet”.

Apparently this puppet was designed for women who seem to have some sort of self-loathing towards their vulva, or so was my idea of what purpose this puppet served. As a proud owner of a vulva, I have to admit that this has to be one of the most ridiculous inventions ever to be created. Especially since the price to buy one of these Vulva Puppets is $125.

I happen to love my vulva very much, but I just can’t imagine the idea of spending $125 on a Vulva Puppet that in no way shows the true the beauty of a vulva. I don't know why they refer to this thing as being "Wondrous". I don't see anything wondrous about it at all. I'm actually a little shocked and somewhat amused at the idea that there are actually people out there wasting their money on this thing.

I’d be open to a Vulva Puppet if it actually resembled a real vulva because then I could actually believe that it would serve some sort of purpose.

Dr. Debbie, who was a featured guess on the Tyra Banks Show and a spokesperson for “The Wondrous Vulva Puppet” said on the show about the Vulva Puppet, “It’s a little silly because of course we don’t really have velvet and satin and little flowers down there, so when you do look down there, you know don’t be surprised if you don’t find this”.

To which Tyra replied, “I’m so happy that you have this because it, really, it makes it cute and sweet and not scary. It’s like a stuff animal”.

I’m assuming that Tyra must loath her vulva if she thinks it’s scary.

As Dr. Debbie pointed out the urethra (you may not know it by name, but this is the mysterious “third hole” I’m sure most of you have heard about, where your urine comes out of), Tyra stated to Dr. Debbie, “Dr. Debbie so many woman think that you pee and have a baby from the same hole.”

Truth be known, I do believe that their may be a lot of woman out there that do lack basic knowledge about their vulvas, but I don’t think that Tyra is giving the majority of us who know better, credit.

I think a more accurate statement would have been that Tyra thought that you pee and have a baby from the same hole.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for sex education, especially for woman. I just don’t agree that dressing up a vulva in velvet and sewing a flower where the clitoris should be is really useful since a real vagina looks nothing like that.

If the purpose of this Vulva Puppet was to make woman want to embrace their vulva’s and not feel shame, then why not create a more accurate Vulva Puppet? One that shows what a real vulva looks like in all its glory.

The only way that a self-conscious woman will be able to really embrace her vulva is if she has a more accurate depiction of what a real vulva looks like and not some vulva that looks like a deformed, fluffy, stuffed animal.

Vulva Puppet in Pink
Image from The Wondrous Vulva Puppet

The truth is our vulvas are not scary. They are beautiful just as they are, but by creating this Vulva Puppet to make it look “pretty”, I think that they may make already self-conscious women even more self-conscious about their vulvas and unconsciously these women may actually start to believe that their vulvas are scary and ugly.

To all the women who may be reading this: If you haven’t gotten in touch with your vulva, I suggest you do so. Just like penises come in all different colors and sizes and curves, our vulvas come in a variety of colors, shapes, and sizes. You don’t have to spend $125 on a vulva that is dressed to be pretty, when you own a vulva that is just as accurate as any other vulva out there.

The key to really learning to love your vulva is to embrace it for all it’s worth, not by buying one of these silly little puppets that in Tyra’s words, “makes it cute and sweet and not scary”. A real vulva is cute and sweet. There’s no need for this velvety, silky, satin, flowery vulva because a real vulva looks and feels nothing that.

Embrace your vulvas for how they really are. The real vulva is so much better then the sugar coded version. There is nothing more empowering for a woman then the ability to love, embrace, and speak openly, without shame about her vulva.

Wondrous Vulva Puppet, my ass.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Comments to Angry Girlfriend: Strap-On

I received a comment from one of my regular readers who I won’t name, but I will state that this person lives in Titusville, Florida (hehe). The comment was in reference to my blog Why Wish I I Had a Penis.

Titusville, FL said:

Try a strap-on and have fun. It’s not the same but it’s the closest you can get.


Let me tell you why your idea sucks:

1. I still want a penis.

2. I won’t be able to feel anything with a strap-on like I would if I had a penis.

3. I can't write my name in the snow with a strap-on.

4. I still want a penis.

5. I can’t feel a blow job with a strap-on.

6. I still wouldn’t know what it would feel like to actually penetrate a vagina or an asshole with a strap-on.


The bottom line is a strap-on is NOTHING like having a real penis at all. I own a strap-on, so I speak from personal experience.

I can’t jerk off a strap-on and get any feeling from that. I can’t feel anything at all! It’s rubber!

To compare a strap-on to a real penis is completely absurd. Other then the way they are shaped, they share nothing else in common. Not texture or feeling, nothing!

I stated 14 good reasons for wanting a real penis. Out of that list of 14, I can do…oh, let’s see… ABSOLUTELY NOTHING that I mentioned with a strap-on. So if having a strap-on is the closest I can get to having a real penis, then I guess I’m fucked.

But thanks anyways… Even if your idea did suck balls, speaking of which, most strap-on’s don’t even include a pair, not that it matters since I’d get no feeling from it whatsoever.

Angry Girlfriend

Questions and comments can be sent to angrygirlfriend@gmail.com or you can fill out the form on the right. I'd love to hear from you!

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Why I Wish I Had a Penis

For as long as I can remember, I have always had this curiosity of what it would be like to have a penis. I remember how, as a child, I would envy boys because they could pee standing up, but I would have to sit down.

On several occasions, I myself, attempted to pee while standing, but my aim wasn’t that great and I was convinced that had I had a penis, the experience would have been much more enjoyable.

To this day, I still often wish that I had a penis, though most of my reason how now changed, but I guess God knew what he was doing when he made me a girl.

I’m almost positive that had I been born a boy, instead of a girl, I would’ve most certainly become a man-whore or even a porn star just because I could and wouldn’t have a care in the world about being labeled a slut. Being a slut is a good thing for a man… that is until you’re ready to settle down and start a family. Most men don’t seem to realize that their promiscuous past is a real turn-off to most women.

But that’s not really relevant to my desire for wanting a penis, so I’ll save that subject for another day.

If I had a penis, I think my penis would be about 6 ½ -7 inches long, uncircumcised, a shade of light brown, and I’d call it Bob. (I name just about everything Bob. I just think its funny, don’t ask me why). I’d keep my pubic hairs trim and neat but not completely shaved though I’d shave my balls completely. I should probably name my balls, too. How about Dirty and Harry? Just a thought…

Not to brag or anything, but if I were a guy, I think I’d be an excellent fuck. I don’t know why I assume that I’d be so great, but I’m pretty damn sure that I would be.

Now, onto my list of reasons for wanting a penis:

1. I could pee standing up.

2. I could pee in any back ally or parking lot without worrying about my pee running down my leg and not having anything to wipe with.

3. I wouldn’t have to wipe; just pee, shake, and stick it back in.

4. I could write my name in the snow.

5. I really want to know how it feels to jerk off. It looks like so much fun!

6. I want to have an orgasm and see what it feels like from a guy’s point of view. Why can’t you guys get it back up for round 2? Does it really drain you that much?

7. I could give facials, hehe. (Okay, this reason is just me being a perv).

8. I could bitch slap some girl in the face with my penis. I’d like to do it both flaccid and erected. (I’ll admit, this reason is also just me being a perv, hehe).

9. Guys look like they really enjoy receiving blow jobs. I want one and I’d want to get deep-throated. I’m dying to see what all the fuss is about.

10. I’d like to have vaginal intercourse with a female, actually several different females, with and without a condom. Virgins and whores. Do whores really have pussies so loose that you don’t feel much? Does using condoms really make a difference, or is it just an excuse to fuck us raw?

11. I’d also like to try anal sex. I’m curious to see if you guys really do it for the tightness or if it’s just another bisexual tendency that you guys refuse to own up to.

12. Like a typical female, I almost forgot about the boys. I’d like to see what having my balls sucked on feels like. You guys make such a big deal out of it, so there must be something to it.

13. This might sound a little S&Mish, but I’d like to have my balls kicked. I’m a little curious about the pain men experience when they get kicked in the balls. Is it really as bad as you men make it seem or are you guys exaggerating?

14. Maybe, by having a penis, I could finally answer the age-old question about why men are always touching their penis, even when it’s not for sexual gratification.

I’m sure most of you females would agree that these are some very good reasons for wanting a penis, and even if you’ve never admitted to having this desire yourself, I’m sure that reasons I have just listed have at least sparked your curiosity.