What are Your Credentials?

Last night, Billy goes to open house at his daughter’s school. For whatever reason, he felt the need to fill me in on the teacher for the new school year. He starts by telling me that she seemed pretty nice and how he liked her because she seemed like a teacher who is passionate about her job.

He goes on to say that the teacher, upon introducing herself, gives the parents in her classroom a little bit of background information about herself. She states that she has been married for 3 years, though she and her husband have been together for a total of 9 years, and is currently pregnant with their first child. She is scheduled to take maternity leave sometime in March. She's been teaching at the school for 8 years, though she only counts 7 since her first year she was working at the school as an intern. She also happed to mention that she had graduated from University of Maryland, and had attained a master’s degree.

Billy turns to me and says, “She seems very educated. What can you say about your credentials?”

I have to admit that I was a little pissed off if not somewhat insulted. I even got that little bubbly feeling in the pit of my stomach. I like referring to it as “The Bad Red Bubbles”, most commonly known a rage.

I mean, even I have to admit that I don’t have the greatest work history. So I thought for a second while I tried to remember all the jobs I had worked in the past and then replied to him, “Well I worked as a cashier for 3 months, I was a waitress for like a week, I work at Old Navy for a day, oh and I worked at Barnes & Nobles for a day, too. I once got hired by Home Depot but I couldn't take the job since at that time I couldn't pass the drug test. I’ve been a stripper, a bartender; I worked as a lifeguard for 3 consecutive summers. I also worked doing that promotional thing, remember? Yeah, I know you remember. I went to hair school for 2 months then dropped out, oh and of course I’ve been working as a phone sex actress for the last year. I have a fucking Associates degree from a god damn shitty ass community college that ain’t even worth the fucking paper it’s printed on, so there you go! There go my fucking credentials!”

How you like them credentials, jackass?!

Of course Billy tried to cover his ass by claiming that he didn’t mean it like that, but then again, who really wants to admit to just being an asshole?

But I guess Billy can only be Billy. What can you do?

I’ve got shitty credentials, and though I was already well aware of that, Billy, in his Billy-like manner, must’ve felt the need to remind me.

Well, at least I can always work on attaining a higher degree, but Billy… Well Billy’s going to have to deal with paying me a ridiculous amount of child support every month if he doesn’t start learning how to humor me, LOL.

Get your shit together, Billy! Humoring your girlfriend is part of being in a relationship. It’s actually more of a requirement and I don’t think you want to learn what happens to men who don’t learn how to humor their wives or girlfriends. I can guarantee you that it’s not pretty. Now if Billy was smart, he’d make sure to make his way over to the flower shop sometime today to make it up to me.

Guys, make sure you think before you open your stupid little mouths. Billy could’ve honestly made his comment in innocence, but his mistake was telling me all about this teachers high credentials and then asking me for my own, even though he already knew them. And yes, the fact that the teacher was a female did make all the different in the world.

Women don’t like being compared to other woman, that is unless we come out looking better then the other woman. So there’s something for all you men to think about.