Saturday, February 21, 2009

Who Wants to Be My BFF?

Paris Hilton did it, so why can't I?

Granted, I'm not famous, or blond, or rich, or anorexic, but I have made home made videos, though it wasn't with night vision. It was just a regular old home made sex tape. (There's actually been several, but who's counting?)

Whatever. I'm getting off topic...

So here are my requirements for a BFF:

1. They read my blog and think that I'm absolutely hilarious or absolutely insane (There's no in between. It's either one or the other).

2. Must be female. I have no use for male friends.

3. Must allow me to refer to them as bitch, slut, whore, and other derogatory names. You may also refer to me as a bitch, slut, whore and other derogatory names. (Real friends don't get offended by these names).

4. Candidates must also allow me to touch them in inappropriate manners. I am a very sexually inappropriate person. In a work place environment, I think the term is "sexual harassment".

5. I must find you sexually attractive. (I don't want to hit on ugly people. I'm not desperate).

6. Any race may apply as long as you're not ugly.

7. If you have a weird name that I can't pronounce, I reserve the right to change your name to something I like better.

8. I may possibly give you a nickname based on a stereotype about your race. Learn to live with it and get over it.

9. Please be a drinker and a smoker (cigarettes). Pot heads need not apply.

10. Tell one good reason why I should let you be my friend or even one good reason why you think this whole idea is absurd and that I should really seek professional help.

Email your submissions to

Be warned... If anyone actually responds to this thing, I will post the response. Good or bad...

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