New Employee

So apparently, sometime this week, we got a new employee.

He don't do shit, but lay around the desk all day, eat, shit, and sleep.

Meet O.C., short for Office Cat:



Not to be confused with O.C., short for Orange Cat:

I'm not really sure where this new cat came from, but he kinda smells bad and I get the feeling that he may possible be infested with ticks or other disgusting parasites like "Dakaren" (I totally made that up and I'll explain it to you one of these days).

All I know about O.C. (Office Cat), is that up until he moved into the office, he was homeless. He eats like a greedy little whore bastard and I'm almost positive that his mom has no idea who her baby daddy is and is more then likely pregnant with her 7th litter of bastard baby cats.

Then again, it's also likely that she could be be roadkill at this point. Who knows?

The other O.C. (Orange Cat), may or may not be infected as well and we know for a fact that his mom was a whore, but he's never been homeless and he occasionally sees a vet.

So there you have it. Office Cat.

He smells terrible, doesn't do shit but sleep, he's infested with parasites and his mom is a whore who may or may not be decaying in the middle of a highway somewhere. How exactly is this suppose to bring up office morale?

Ummm, yeah... Ok...

All Alone

Recently, my mom broke me with the news that she was moving.

At first, I was like, "Yeah. OK. Sure. Whatever".... That is, until she told me where she was moving to.

Apparently, she's decided to move across the country to join my sister out in Las Vegas.

My mother is abandoning me and I'm going to be an orphan.

Yes, I do realize that I'm 28-years-old and that by now I should be able to fend for myself, not to mention that I'm a little too old to be classified an orphan and I do have a family of my own now, but that's not the point!

It was hard enough when my sister left me, plus it was really irritating when I realized that my mom was slowly weaning me off her financial support.

She kinda was paying my cell phone bill up until 2 years ago, plus I had access to her ATM card for 2 of her account, just in case (now I only have access to 1), and up until 2 weeks ago she was paying my car insurance.

Not only is she cutting me off, but now she's leaving me and I'll be here all alone... with a husband, a 3-year-old, 2 dogs, a cat, a turtle and a chinchilla. ALONE.

Let's face it, Frijolero is just plain evil and the odds are we'll only get divorced anyways, so I should just pack my shit and relocate to Vegas and live with my mom so that she'll never leave me again.

Unfortunately, we're kinda not speaking since I kinda had a mini temper tantrum when she told me she was leaving in July (Come on, now. She could've at least better prep me).

So I've kinda temporarily disowned her for so selfishly not considering my feelings about being abandoned and being left an orphan.

Who the hell is gonna take care of me now? I'm all ALONE!!!

Fuck, this is sooo depressing... I need a drink... :(

Pulled Over... Again...

Driving around with suspended tags, I was bound to get pulled over eventually.

Supposedly, for failure to make a complete stop at a stop sign *Cough*bullshit...

But...

Ha ha, I just got new tags last week and I'm not longer driving dirty. Take that you evil cop bastard.

He gave me a warning and I went on my way feeling both annoyed and relief.

If that shit would've happened last week, there might have been a slight problem. Just a little one.

Luckily, it wasn't though so who cares?

My Favorite Part...

Well, we all I know that I've been Addicted to the spanish novela Sin Senos No Hay Paraiso.

Almost a year into it, the drama still continues, and I've pretty much kinda forgotten where it all even began since the story plot has taken so many twists and turns.

However, there is one scene that I just cannot get out of my head. Mostly because my favorite character, Yessica, aka, La Diabla is in it.

I mean, this chic is so super hot and sexy, not to mention a bad ass. She turns me on more then anyone else on that show its ridiculous.

Remember my super cute, waterproof, purple vibrator?

Yeah, that one...

Well let's just say I broke it in with thoughts on her and this scene:

Hangover Free Birthday

I just love it when things go my way.

So... This is what finally happened on my birthday weekend:

Friday - I went with my girl and got that mani-pedi that I've been dying to get. As an added bonus, I got mu eyebrows waxed so they looked super hot.

We then did some "drunk shopping". Yep, that's right. We bought a bottle of Pinnacle vodka, mixed it with some redbull and put it in a water bottle, and referred to it as "apple juice" while we were out shopping.

Normally, I hate going to malls, but shopping when you're drunk is awesome!

It was like an adventure. I got to see a hot girl naked in the dressing room, I crawled from one dressing room to another dressing room topless, and warned this poor pregnant girl about how much her vagina is gonna hurt when she pushes out that baby.

Then we went to Ruby Tuesday to grab some dinner and get more drunk because apparently we weren't drunk enough yet.

We hit on the gay bar tender, and took candy from a stranger who made roses for us out of napkins.

I had intended to go to the strip club later that night and yet, somehow I never made it, which made me sad.

I woke up on Saturday with NO HANGOVER! :0)

Saturday - Still unsure of what I was going to do later in the night, I decided to go sex toy shopping.

I bought the cutest little vibrator, A copy of Penthouse Forum, and a tattoo magazine. I figured if nothing else happens, at least I could go fuck myself.


We ended up getting all pretty and headed out to a club. People always go out of there way to do nice things for me on my birthday, even if I don't know them. I don't know why. I guess I'm just that special.

Why is that relevant you ask? Because there were people that we didn't know standing behind us in the line at the club and they offered to pay half to get us a table that they didn't even intend on staying at.

Of course, we accepted the offer and partied our asses of with these random people who turned out to be really cool.

Drank a lot of vodka and tequila.

I woke up on Sunday with NO HANGOVER! :0)

Sunday - Did the whole grilling thing and of course more vodka!

At some point in the night, the guys all decide to leave the girls and head to the strip club, which was fine by me cause I like being alone with drunk and vulnerable women.

I think they had a good time... That it until they came back and saw me and my friend sitting on the couch, me with my super cute new vibrator in hand and in a kinda sorta compromising position.

Yeah, that one.

I swear nothing happened, but of course I don't blame them for not believing me.

But I swear, it wasn't what it looked like. I mean I wish I could say that I was guilty, but this time I'm really not. Boooooo.

I woke up this morning hangover free. YEY!

I partied like a rockstar and now I need to sleep. I rock!

Oh, and in case you were wondering, Frijolero did finally register the car on Friday. Yey! He finally did something right for a change!

My Left Eyeball

Some of you who don't follow me on Twitter may have missed this pic that I posted earlier, so I'm posting it here for you all to see.

It's a pic of my left eyeball.

You know how much I talk about squirting things specifically into my left eyeball when I do those weird ass craigslist responses.

So I thought some of you might be curious as to what my left eyeball actually looks like. Not that anyone has asked or anything cause that would be kinda weird.

Ladies and gentleman, I'd like to present to you... My Left Eyeball:

It looks pretty much like a normal eyeball don't it...

Yeah, so there you have it. My Left Eyeball.

Special thank you goes out to My Left Eyeball for taking its time out it's busy schedule to pose for this photo shoot.

Also to My Right Eyeball who compliments and completes My Left Eyeball.

Thank you both for 20/20 vision.

Frijolero: The Evil Bastard

So we all know that I have big birthday plans for this coming weekend. Well maybe not BIG, but it's in the works.

For over 2 months, I've been drilling Frijolero to make sure he took off Friday.

I mean I have really made every attempt to make sure that I have really drilled it into that little evil bastards head that I wanted him to not work on Friday.

I didn't have an exact plan on what we were going to do, but all the same, he needed to be off on Friday, May 22, 2009.

I don't know how much more clear I could've made this.

I thought I had actually gotten through to the fucking asshole since he had told me that he had gone ahead and gotten the day off, especially because he knew how important it was for him to go to the DMV to register my car, especially because this is my birthday weekend and we would definitely need a car with legal tags.

My tags are suspended yet again and instead of removing the tint (which is only part of the reason why my tags are suspended...), he figured, YES HE AND NOT ME, suggested that we just register the car under his name and then all my little problems would go away. But that's another story for another day.

The point is that it was crucial for him to take the day off for this to get done as it would effect the rest of my weekend. My birthday weekend.

Today, about 3 hours ago, to be exact, I get the news that that fucking jackass has once again screwed me.

He's not taking the day off and I'm not going to have my car registered which means I have no car to go and do all the fantastic and wonderful things that I haven't quite planned yet, but that's not the fucking point.

In a moment of hope, I had figured that all had not been lost and I could rent a car for the weekend. That is, until I called up like 20 different car rental places and they were all out of cars because it's Memorial Day weekend... (The economy can't be that fucking bad..)

That fucking beaner has fucked me yet again.

He has fucked many of my plans in the past.

Once, when I was pregnant, a friend of mine had suggested that we do a couples trip and go to the beach. Her and her man, and me and that evil bastard, Frijolero.

Frijolero had agreed to the plans and I went ahead and booked the hotel. Two days before our trip, he cancelled the reservation. Why? Cause he's an asshole.

Mind you, I was fucking pregnant. I only acted like it was the end of the world cause in my delicate state, it sure as hell did feel like it was.

Two years ago, the same friend suggest another attempt at a trip to the beach. Once again we go ahead and make the reservations. I was sure there was no way in hell he'd screw me again, but sure enough, day before the trip, that fucking jackass of a beaner fucks me again, canceling the trip and that time, I lost the money from the reservation.

You starting to see a pattern here?

So what is the lesson learned here?

You can't trust a fucking beaner!

Ok, maybe that's a little unfair to say...

But I'm definitely gonna fuck his ass over when it's his birthday... Oh wait... I already have plans... It's Angry Girlfriend Day on October 15th.

I'm gonna be getting drunk and throwing darts at pictures of fucking face!

Take that, asshole!!!

And by the way, I'm not fucking negative... You're just a jackass!!!