Jealousy is a Real Bitch

I admit it.  I have a very hard time keeping my outrageous jealously in check.  This may stem from what I like to call "Ugly Duck Syndrome".

Once upon a time, I got picked on... A lot... I went to majority all black schools all my life so maybe the bitches were hating cause I had 'that gud hur' (that's good hair, for those of you who don't understand Ebonics).

People use to call me ugly all the time, the thing is I believed it then. Not so much now.  But I do feel threatened by other women, but that probably has something to do with being cheated on all the time.  I've grown accustom to it.  I wont accept it, but it's expected. (Titusville, you are that one exception. I don't expect it from you and if you ever did it, you would die.... There's no explanation necessary).

Hell, I don't know.  Point is, I don't make friends easy, and I sure as hell don't keep them for long periods of time, but that has something to do with me always picking up and going into hiding. I reinvent myself all the time. I trust no one cause everyone lies, and I've become somewhat of a narcissist because at the end of the day, no one really cares about your best interest, but yourself.

So when I do find someone who I let in, and not just a little bit, but a lot, I can get somewhat overprotective of that person.  Unfortunately, since I don't know what a healthy human relationship consists of, I tend to get sometimes act out, in a very ugly way.

Truth be told, I'm not normal, so anyone who deals with me can't be either.  Normal people don't get me, but then again the abnormal folk don't either.

I'm not consistent in my personality. What I may find unacceptable today may become completely acceptable tomorrow. I'm starting to believe that I may be one crazy ass bitch.

There are days when I wish certain peoples death and the next I want to bury the hatchet and move on.  I'm that kinda crazy.  I think my paranoia is starting to get the best of me. I would see a shrink but I don't really trust the meds they prescribe.  I always seem to be that 1% of people who get the abnormal side effects of hallucinations, voices in my head and all that other crazy shit.  Must be because of my predisposition to schizophrenia.  

I am self destructive as hell, from the cutting, to the random tattoos that I got just for the pain, to the eating disorder.  Bulimia sucks, by the way.

Then there was the drinking problem that got in the way of my eating disorder but it was the only way I could eat and not want to purge.

Yeah, I'm slightly fucked up.  I am a work in progress. And that's not even half of it... Enough for you to maybe get a better picture of the person you're dealing with here, but there is still a lot more that I hide.

So yeah, that's me. Psychotic, but overly protective about people I care about, slightly overly emotional, and jealous, insecure, ugly but not really ugly but still thinks I'm kinda ugly, narcissistic bitch who goes back and forth between cutting, bulimia and alcoholism, and likes to hide out in the desert because this is where all the crazies come to hide.

When I finally get a balance on things, I'll let you know.

Until then, you can try to bare it with me, or go fuck yourself. Your choice.