Saturday, December 15, 2012

Relapse

What people don't understand about self-harming is that it's just another coping mechanism.  As it happens, I was a cutter for many years, as well as bulimic.

I thought I had it all under control, but here at 31 years old, I've relapsed on both.

What happened to trigger this old bad habits, you might ask?

Long story short, I fell in love for the first time.  We all know I was married before and that ended horribly.  But I was never in love with my ex-husband.

I fell in love with who you know as Titusville, a long time friend who had always claimed to having feelings for me since we met about 13 years ago.

He's the kind of guy who likes the conquest of taking on the unknown and then destroying it.  I thought this only applied to work.  He's very good at his job, because of this quality.  Apparently, it also happens to be that he's the same way in his relationships with people.  I wish I would've known that much about him before we were in a relationship.

I was just another conquest, and he conquered me, that I can't deny.  And just like that, it was over, and back off into the friend zone, I went.  Like a toy he got tired of playing with and put back on the shelf... For good, I might add.

When he gave me the news of being still in love with an ex, lets just say, I fell apart.  Old habits came back.

So out with Titusville and in with old bad behaviors...

Cutting and bulimia, Welcome Home!

It's been a long time... I'm glad to have you back, because I need you both right now to get through these troubled times.

I never thought I would fall so hard, but I did and now I'm paying the consequences.  I might need therapy, but until the day that happens, all I have is my self-destructive behavior.

I wish I had a dad to kick your sorry ass.



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