Girl's Night Out

The past several weekends, I've been rockin' it out like a fucking Rockstar for no other reason then just because I can.

This past weekend proved to be pretty interesting. I went out with my cousin and her wife (yes, they are lesbians), and 2 other friends to celebrate my cousins wife's birthday. We all decided to head out to a strip club since there appears to be a shortage on lesbian bars.

My goal was simple... Get trashed.

Not that bad kinda trashed where you can't even walk. The good kinda trashed where you feel really nice. Actually, I guess you could say my goal wasn't really to get trashed as much as it was to get tipsy and spend as little money as possible doing it.

Anyways, here we all were at this titty bar where the strippers get fully nude and have their pussy about 6 inches away from your face, but that's pretty irrelevant since that part of the story happened like 2 weeks ago.

This weekend we sat at the opposite end of the bar where you can get a good view of the strippers dancing but we're sitting at the actual bar as opposed to sitting by the stage.

I'm taking back as many drinks as possible and the bartender from 2 weeks ago seems to remember me so she hooks up my drinks and loads them with alcohol.

I'm starting to feel nice and I'm dancing in my seat. Now, you can only get but so provocative while dancing in your seat which is why I'm completely surprised and caught off guard when the guy sitting 3 bar stools down from me pulls out a stack of dollar bills and offers it to me if I jump up on stage and dance.

Naturally, I look at him like he's crazy and go back to doing my thing. Later on in the night, one of the dancers approaches me, my cousin, her wife and says, "Ya'll are lesbians, ain't ya'll?"

I point to my cousin and her wife and replied, "Well, those 2 are. I just do what I do".

To which she responds, "Well, I bet if you let me eat your pussy, I'll turn you out".

I kinda laughed it off, but then she tells me about a trip to Jamaica that she's going on in April and tells me to go with her. All I gotta do is pay my airfare. She asks me for cell phone and for whatever reason I handed it to her. She put in her name and number and tells me to call her and then walks off.

Did I just pick up a stripper without even trying? Yep, looks like I did. Interesting.

We're all heading out the club at the end of the night, and Mr. Stack of Dollar Bills creeps up on us.

"Why didn't you get up on stage? I really wanted to give you this money", he says.

"Hell, if you really wanted to give me the money, you would've given me the money. I ain't that hard up for cash, though", I responded and walk towards the car.

Suddenly, nature calls and I realize I should've peed before we left the club. Oh well, fuck it. Guess I'm gonna have to pee in the parking lot of a strip club. I somehow managed to pee on the bottom of both pant legs though I didn't realize it till we had all arrived at my house and I decide to strip for my guest.

The Boyfriend comes down, notices that I probably just a little tipsy, declares that he's got a sore throat, watches me dance for a while, then heads back up the stairs. I gave my friend a lap dance and we continue to rock out till about 6 in the morning.

I head up to bed, decide that I want sex, and wake The Boyfriend up to service me. I think he was a little pissed off but lately, I really just don't give a shit.

Leap Year

So I've done some research and I've figured out that the purpose of Leap Year is to keep the calendar year in sync with the season year. I read something like, if we didn't have a leap year that in 10,000 years, winter would be in July (like I give a shit, I'd be dead by then anyways).

Anyways, whatever the purpose of Leap Year, I know that this year it happened to fall on a Friday, which means a LEAP YEAR PARTY!

I feel bad for all those little bastards whose birthday's are on February 29th. If my kids birthday only came around once every 4 years, then you best believe we're only gonna celebrate it once every 4 years. I know that sounds fucked up, but children's birthday parties ain't exactly cheap either, you know?

But anyways, back to the idea of my party. Leap Year does only come once every 4 years, so why the hell not shouldn't I have a Leap year party?

It's gonna be great! I'll invite my regular crew of drunky friends, we'll buy some of those stupid little party hats, oh and I have to get a Leap Year cake. Maybe I'll get some strippers to come by... Better yet, we should just go to the strip club and celebrate there.

You don't have to look hard to find a good reason to party...

Valentines Day with Angry Girlfriend

Valentines Day has always pretty much sucked ass for me. I have spent years hearing all of my girl friends brag about how their boyfriends spoiled them with gifts for this bullshit Hallmark holiday, while I listened bitterly, hoping that maybe one day I’d meet some guy who would one day do the same for me.

Eventually, I met “The Boyfriend”. I thought that being single for Valentines Day sucked, but soon realized that being with “The Boyfriend” for Valentines Day sucks 10 times worse.

Here’s a little recap of how I’ve spent Valentines Day for the last several years with “The Boyfriend”:

Valentines Day 2004: He tried to break up with me like 2 weeks before Valentines Day. Somehow, it didn't happen, so then we spent Valentines Day at a restaurant feeling awkward. Oh and he brought me like half a dozen almost dried up dead roses. Really shitty and really uncomfortable.

Valentines Day 2005: We went out to a restaurant but he was just a complete dick. This was due partially to the fact that he had knocked me up and needless to say, didn’t take the news very well, although this was already 2 months after the fact that he had found out.

Valentines Day 2006: We didn't even bother going out. I made him a card that said "Nothing says I love you like a card that says Go Fuck Yourself". And then on the inside it said "Go Fuck Yourself". I had a good laugh over that one.

Here’s the actual card:



Valentines Day 2007: I don't really recall what happened this particular year. I know we didn’t go out. I didn't bother making a card either. I think I bought myself some liquor and got trashed.

Valentines Day 2008 (yesterday): I went to the gym, stopped by the liquor store, bought a card for my son and that jackass. I wrote on the inside of his card "You're a fucking ass", then signed it. He read the card and then asked me if I wanted to go to dinner on Saturday. I told him to Go Fuck himself. Drank my liquor, smoked a cigarette, and went to bed.

Here's yesterdays card:



After the 2nd Valentines Day gone bad, I realized that being with the “The Boyfriend” is no different then being single on Valentines Day. Actually, it’s worse then being single on Valentines Day.

At least when I was single, no one bothered to question what I was planning to do to celebrate this mean spirited holiday. But because I’m part of a couple, people expect me to do something.
For years, I’ve been hearing from people, “Oh, don’t worry, I’m sure he’s planning something great for you this year”.

It’s nice to know that so many of my friends and family are still so naïve about “The Boyfriend” and his “plans for Valentines Day”. I, however, am a realist. If he hasn’t done anything nice for me on Valentines Day once in the 5 years we’ve spent together, then it’s cause he doesn’t plan to.

Not next year, or the following, or within the next 10 years. It’s just not going to happen. I guess some people just weren’t meant to celebrate this bullshit, love fest holiday.

I’ve decided for the next Valentines Day, I’ll play single for the day and then go out with my single girl friends (if any of them are still single by that time, anyways). I’m determined to experience at least one decent Valentines Day in my lifetime. But until then, I’ll continue to rant about what a bullshit holiday it is and pout because I never get to celebrate it.

Questions to Angry Girlfriend: Are Woman Really Bi-Curious?

Another question to Angry Girlfriend. This question comes from Nigel.

Nigel asked:

I read your article "Are We All Bi-Curious" and I found it interesting. Do you really believe that most straight women have a tendency to experiment with bisexuality? I have always thought about this. I know a few girls who seem so straight. I have no idea if they are thinking about girls or not.

I think most people by now know my take on bisexuality, but to answer the questions, I believe that both men and woman have tendencies, and many people will argue with me about this belief, but it's my belief. Women, however, are just more likely to act out on it and experiment since there isn't as much of a social stigma for women to experiment as there is if a man were to experiment.

I know plenty of "straight" woman who, once they get a bit of alcohol running through their system, start to act out on their bi-curiousness. Some people might blame this on the alcohol, but remember that when you drink, it lowers your inhibitions. I believe that they are doing things that they felt they couldn't do sober, but use alcohol as the excuse to why they were acting out.

Some woman rather experiment with a close girlfriend, but do it with the promise of "Let's never tell anyone about this". Believe it or not, most woman you know have probably experimented at one point or another, but they'll never tell you about it. Those who do tend to kiss and tell are generally more confident about their sexuality.

I'm sure you're aware that most woman have the tendency to check out other woman, and though it may not always be sexual in nature that we do this, we are definitely able to recognize a beautiful woman or a woman with a good figure, etc. Most woman appreciate the appeal of a woman's body just as much as any man, but it doesn't mean that woman are always thinking about other woman.

Hope that answered everything you wanted to know.

Angry Girlfriend

You guys should know by now how to reach me, so hit me up with your questions and comments.

To All My Readers

I love you guys!!!

Just wanted to let you know.

I'd have nothing to write about if it weren't for all the dysfunctional people in my life. So thank you for being dysfunctional and thank you for worshiping me as the rock star goddess I should've been, but I'm not since I can't sing or play any musical instrument (unless making noises from my pussy counts as an instrument, jeje).

Bow down, bitches!

Questions to Angry Girlfriend: How Do I Get Her to Give a Better Blow Job? Part II

I had received an email from Devin about a week ago asking me for advice on how to get his girlfriend to give him a better blow job.

After sending him a reply and posting it here, I figured that would be that and hopefully I had helped him out.

Devin apparently had more questions. This is Devin's next email to me:

Hey Angry Girlfriend,

It's me again, Devin. I said she can't swallow my cum, because she says that I cum too much. My shit just pours out. I do have a lot of cum. I do get off on sight and sound, but I like my dick to be sucked good. She only gets about 4 inches of it. I dunno if its because I'm thick also, but I don't think 4 inches is a lot. What do I do about cumming so much, or having her taste it? Also, how do I get her to get more of my dick, without hurting her feelings? Please help.

Devin.

P.S. Do u swallow or deep throat? Just out of curiosity. If you do, what is the secret to it?


Round 2 with Devin. Here we go:

Well Devin,

I recall you mentioning that your penis is about 11 inches in length. If that information is accurate, then of course she's going to have a hard time deep throating.


There's been many studies done on what the average size of a male penis is. These averages have ranged anywhere from 5 1/2 inches to 6 1/2 inches.

Let's pretend for a minute that your penis was on the bigger side of this average spectrum. If your girlfriend were to attempt to deep throat a penis that was 6 1/2 inches, not only would she have more then half of it in her mouth but she would probably be more likely to attempt getting as much more as she could since she wouldn't have much more to go.

To you 4 inches isn't a lot, nor would I consider it to be deep throating but to a man with the average sized penis, it would come pretty close.

I'm guessing your girlfriend isn't a porn star, so it's unrealistic to expect her or any other normal girl to deep throat an 11 inch penis (unless she doesn't have any gag reflexes).

The best I can give you to pass onto your girlfriend would be to try and stay relaxed. She can get more down is her mouth and jaw stay relaxed, though I still doubt that she'll be deep throating 11 inch cocks anytime soon.

As for your situation of coming too much, no one wants to swallow spunky sperm. If your sperm has an odd taste to it, then she's not going to want it in her mouth no matter the quantity.

Foods you eat can affect the way the sperm taste either making it more tolerable or less tolerable.

Foods that are high in natural sugars give sperm a much more bearable taste and it wont matter how much you shoot out since the taste will be less noticeable.

Read my guide to prevent spunky sperm which list the foods you should eat and avoid:

Angry Girlfriends Guide to Preventing Spunky Sperm.

And Devin, if I'm writing about it, it's cause I do it. All my secrets are posted on my blog. I don't post anything that I myself haven't tried out first.

Angry Girlfriends Guide to Giving Better Blow Jobs.

Read tip number 11. It's my own personal secret to deep throating. Just a quick warning. Just because it works for me doesn't mean it will work for everyone else. Some people just have an overly sensitive gag reflex.

Hope this helps. As always, feel free to write me back if you need some more help.

Angry Girlfriend


If anyone else out there has any tips for Devin, post me a comment or send me an email. I'll forward it to him.

And if anyone other then Devin has a question for me, send an email to angrygirlfriend@gmail.com or fill out the form on the right side of this page.

Questions to Angry Girlfriend: How Do I Get Her to Give a Better Blow Job?

First question of the new year.

Devin writes:

Dear Angry Girlfriend,

I have an 11 inch penis and my gf cannot deepthroat me or swallow my cum. How do I get her to give me a better blowjob, while still gagging and attempting to deepthroat?

She can't or won't swallow? I never heard of anyone who couldn't swallow cum but I know of plenty who won't swallow cum.

As for the deep throating thing. There's a whole technique for deep throating, however if you're really as big as you claim to be, she might have a slight problem getting your penis all the way to the back of her throat.

Have you talked to her about what you expect from a blow job? Even if she's unable to deep throat you completely, if you happen to be one of those guys who get off on sight and sound as most men tend to be, you could instruct her to take your penis as far back as she can without throwing up. Even is she can't manage to deep throat the whole penis, she will still gag as long as she is attempting to deep throat.

It might help here to read Angry Girlfriends Guide to Giving Better Blow Jobs.

So back the part about swallowing. Swallowing isn't for everyone. Some women don't mind going the extra mile and others refuse to go there at all cost. Don't push it on her. We get annoyed when you guys keep bugging us to do shit that we don't want to do. It's okay to drop hints every once in a while, but if you are consistently harassing us about something that we don't want to do, chances are if we do finally cave in, there will be some type of retaliation to get back at you.

Hope that helps you out, Mr. 11 Inch Penis.

Angry Girlfriend

P.S. Your girlfriend must be a trooper to let you fuck her and not cry with that thing. I don't know of too many woman who could handle 11 inches. For that alone, I wouldn't bug her too much about the whole blow job thing, but that's just me.

So what's up, my bitches? Keep them questions coming, hehe. Send them to angrygirlfriend@gmail.com or simply fill out the question form on the right side of the page. You know you want to.