Dear Angry Girlfriend: I'm A Sexy Paramedic

I love to receive emails from the people who read my blog. It makes me feel all warm and tingly inside.

Today I received this email:

Hey angryGF. My name is chad i am a sexy paramedic who sits at work many days bored looking for something to do. Your phone sex bit on youtube was hot as hell. You really had me worked up. Any way if you would be interested in trying that with me sometime hit me back up and we can exchange number. If you want a pic of me let me know. Holla

I guess "Chad" hasn't really been paying attention. This was my reply back:

I'm assuming that you're not a regular reader of my blog since you only made mention of my Angry Girlfriends Guide to Phone Sex blog and not my blog on Confessions of a Former Phone Sex Operator.

I suggest that you read the latter. I think that perhaps you were a little overly turned on and forgot that I was once a paid professional in the art of phone sex. It's not exactly something that I do just for fun (unless I plan to record it, make fun of the person and then post the whole conversation on my blog, which I have yet to do for legal reasons).

I suggest that you continue to get off of my prerecording for free. Or I can sell you a new prerecording at a low, low price of $9.99... Fuck it... Let's just make it an even $10.00.

Maybe you could respond to an ad on craiglist and get some action that way, but considering that I do quite a bit of trolling on there, that might not be a good idea either.

P.S. It's kinda scary that you're a paramedic "who sits at work many days bored looking for something to do". Shouldn't you be out saving people from death or something?

Or is the economy so bad that people are holding off on dying because they can't afford it?

He never responded back so I'm assuming that he didn't like my little suggestion. Booo, no fun...

Oh well...

Well if anyone else wants to email me, send me an email at angrygirlfriend@gmail.com.

Questions to Angry Girlfriend: Should I Bring Up Marriage?

It's been a while since I recieved a question from a reader, but today I happen to find that someone out there is still reading.

Hey Angry Girlfriend,

I'm 20-years-old, and I've been dating my current boyfriend for about 6 months. He's 25. I know this is gonna sound crazy but I've never felt this way about anyone before. I really love him and I think he could be the one. Neither of us have any kids.

He's joked around in the past about us getting married, but I think he might really want to get married. I feel the same way. Do you think it's a good idea to bring up a serious conversation about marriage to see where we stand?

Thanks for your help in advance,

Tigress

Oh Tigress,

It never occurred to me that I haven't posted a blog with my views about marriage. So here it is:

I am TERRIFIED at the thought of marriage for several reason:

1. I'm not very comfortable expressing my self emotionally. Especially when I feel that it could make me look weak and vulnerable. In other words, standing in front of a large crowd, professing my love, would be very awkward, and uncomfortable to me, and to be quite honest, ain't no way, no how, I'd ever be able to do that for anyone.

2. Having sex with only one person for the rest of my life? Is that even natural? Scary, so lets not think about it.

3. Divorce rate is pretty high. You got a 50/50 chance of even staying together after getting married and if you happen to fall into the 50% who end up divorcing, man is that gonna be a pain in your ass.

4. If it ain't broke, why fix it? Marriage isn't gonna change shit other then your last name, assuming you even want to change it. The person is still gonna be the same, as will you.

Actually, those are all the reasons I have. I guess I'm just very uncomfortable at the idea of marriage and those views may or may not change.

Knowing me, they probably will cause I go through so many phases. But one thing is for certain: If I ever do get married, I'm eloping in Vegas, and Elvis will be performing the ceremony. I'm not being corny and stupid in front of a large crowd.

I totally haven't even answered your question, but to be honest, I can't give you an answer. You have to do what you believe is right for you.

I wouldn't bring up marriage, especially not after only 6 months of dating, but that's just me. I obviously have a lot of issues.

If you feel that you and your boyfriend are both financially stable and have sown all your wild oats and are in the same place in your life, then it could very well, possibly work out for you. I guess you really have nothing to loose by bringing up the conversation.

As for me, I'm not quite there yet.

Good luck with that.

Angry Girlfriend

Questions can be sent to angrygirlfriend@gmail.com or you can fill out the form on the right hand side of this page.

Questions to Angry Girlfriend: Is My Girlfriend Bi?

This question comes from Lain.

Lain writes:

I was reading your topic on bisexuality. I myself would consider my sexuality to be strictly homosexual, but my girlfriend has a history of being with men, and has admitted, though not to me, that should we break up she would most likely return to men. To me, however, she claims she is a lesbian. I find this bothersome because it feels like she's hiding her sexuality from me. I told her that if she would be bi then, wouldn't that make her bi now? and still warrant some attraction to males? She swears she has no attraction to men, but I feel like it's a lie. I don't really dislike her for it, but it does make me worry that eventually I alone will be inadequate for her. You mentioned how its natural to have a romp with the opposite or same sex on occasion; do you think she'll do the same? Or resent me if I tell her I don't want her to? I'm really conflicted.

Wow. I'm really feeling for you.

Thing about it is, bisexuals tend to confuse the hell out of people, even themselves. Your girlfriend is definitely not a lesbian though. Based on what you've told me, I'm certain as to that much.

But the two of you are in a relationship together (I'm assuming it's a monogamous one), which means that no matter whether she's gay, straight, or bi, she shouldn't be resentful towards you if you objected to her sleeping around with men.

After all, I highly doubt that you would find it acceptable for her to sleep around regardless of whether she chose to do it with a man or woman.

It is somewhat troublesome that she feels the need to lie about her sexuality though it could be that she is lying only so that you don't feel threatened by it since she has no immediate plans to leave you.

Assure her that you're not threatened by her bisexuality and she may eventually come clean with you in time. But don't press the issue too hard either. Some people just have a hard time coming clean to those who mean the most to them.

As for her admitting that she would more than likely return to men in the event that the two of you should break up, don't get yourself too worked up over it. She didn't say that she was going to leave you for a man, just that in the event of the two of you breaking up she may go back to men.

She more than likely doesn't even mean it and is just expressing her normal relationship frustrations. When I get frustrated with The Boyfriend, I always tell him that the next relationship I'm in is going to be with a woman. Do I mean it? Not really (well kinda), but I say it out of frustration at the moment.

The bottom line is, if she's not actively seeking out a relationship with either a man or a woman, you don't have much to worry about regardless of whether she's a lesbian or bi.

I really hope this helps.

Angry Girlfriend

Anyone else have a question or comment about this topic or anything else, email me @ angrygirlfriend@gmail.com or fill out the Send A Question Form on the right side of this page.

Questions to Angry Girlfriend: Are Woman Really Bi-Curious?

Another question to Angry Girlfriend. This question comes from Nigel.

Nigel asked:

I read your article "Are We All Bi-Curious" and I found it interesting. Do you really believe that most straight women have a tendency to experiment with bisexuality? I have always thought about this. I know a few girls who seem so straight. I have no idea if they are thinking about girls or not.

I think most people by now know my take on bisexuality, but to answer the questions, I believe that both men and woman have tendencies, and many people will argue with me about this belief, but it's my belief. Women, however, are just more likely to act out on it and experiment since there isn't as much of a social stigma for women to experiment as there is if a man were to experiment.

I know plenty of "straight" woman who, once they get a bit of alcohol running through their system, start to act out on their bi-curiousness. Some people might blame this on the alcohol, but remember that when you drink, it lowers your inhibitions. I believe that they are doing things that they felt they couldn't do sober, but use alcohol as the excuse to why they were acting out.

Some woman rather experiment with a close girlfriend, but do it with the promise of "Let's never tell anyone about this". Believe it or not, most woman you know have probably experimented at one point or another, but they'll never tell you about it. Those who do tend to kiss and tell are generally more confident about their sexuality.

I'm sure you're aware that most woman have the tendency to check out other woman, and though it may not always be sexual in nature that we do this, we are definitely able to recognize a beautiful woman or a woman with a good figure, etc. Most woman appreciate the appeal of a woman's body just as much as any man, but it doesn't mean that woman are always thinking about other woman.

Hope that answered everything you wanted to know.

Angry Girlfriend

You guys should know by now how to reach me, so hit me up with your questions and comments.

Questions to Angry Girlfriend: How Do I Get Her to Give a Better Blow Job? Part II

I had received an email from Devin about a week ago asking me for advice on how to get his girlfriend to give him a better blow job.

After sending him a reply and posting it here, I figured that would be that and hopefully I had helped him out.

Devin apparently had more questions. This is Devin's next email to me:

Hey Angry Girlfriend,

It's me again, Devin. I said she can't swallow my cum, because she says that I cum too much. My shit just pours out. I do have a lot of cum. I do get off on sight and sound, but I like my dick to be sucked good. She only gets about 4 inches of it. I dunno if its because I'm thick also, but I don't think 4 inches is a lot. What do I do about cumming so much, or having her taste it? Also, how do I get her to get more of my dick, without hurting her feelings? Please help.

Devin.

P.S. Do u swallow or deep throat? Just out of curiosity. If you do, what is the secret to it?


Round 2 with Devin. Here we go:

Well Devin,

I recall you mentioning that your penis is about 11 inches in length. If that information is accurate, then of course she's going to have a hard time deep throating.


There's been many studies done on what the average size of a male penis is. These averages have ranged anywhere from 5 1/2 inches to 6 1/2 inches.

Let's pretend for a minute that your penis was on the bigger side of this average spectrum. If your girlfriend were to attempt to deep throat a penis that was 6 1/2 inches, not only would she have more then half of it in her mouth but she would probably be more likely to attempt getting as much more as she could since she wouldn't have much more to go.

To you 4 inches isn't a lot, nor would I consider it to be deep throating but to a man with the average sized penis, it would come pretty close.

I'm guessing your girlfriend isn't a porn star, so it's unrealistic to expect her or any other normal girl to deep throat an 11 inch penis (unless she doesn't have any gag reflexes).

The best I can give you to pass onto your girlfriend would be to try and stay relaxed. She can get more down is her mouth and jaw stay relaxed, though I still doubt that she'll be deep throating 11 inch cocks anytime soon.

As for your situation of coming too much, no one wants to swallow spunky sperm. If your sperm has an odd taste to it, then she's not going to want it in her mouth no matter the quantity.

Foods you eat can affect the way the sperm taste either making it more tolerable or less tolerable.

Foods that are high in natural sugars give sperm a much more bearable taste and it wont matter how much you shoot out since the taste will be less noticeable.

Read my guide to prevent spunky sperm which list the foods you should eat and avoid:

Angry Girlfriends Guide to Preventing Spunky Sperm.

And Devin, if I'm writing about it, it's cause I do it. All my secrets are posted on my blog. I don't post anything that I myself haven't tried out first.

Angry Girlfriends Guide to Giving Better Blow Jobs.

Read tip number 11. It's my own personal secret to deep throating. Just a quick warning. Just because it works for me doesn't mean it will work for everyone else. Some people just have an overly sensitive gag reflex.

Hope this helps. As always, feel free to write me back if you need some more help.

Angry Girlfriend


If anyone else out there has any tips for Devin, post me a comment or send me an email. I'll forward it to him.

And if anyone other then Devin has a question for me, send an email to angrygirlfriend@gmail.com or fill out the form on the right side of this page.

Questions to Angry Girlfriend: How Do I Get Her to Give a Better Blow Job?

First question of the new year.

Devin writes:

Dear Angry Girlfriend,

I have an 11 inch penis and my gf cannot deepthroat me or swallow my cum. How do I get her to give me a better blowjob, while still gagging and attempting to deepthroat?

She can't or won't swallow? I never heard of anyone who couldn't swallow cum but I know of plenty who won't swallow cum.

As for the deep throating thing. There's a whole technique for deep throating, however if you're really as big as you claim to be, she might have a slight problem getting your penis all the way to the back of her throat.

Have you talked to her about what you expect from a blow job? Even if she's unable to deep throat you completely, if you happen to be one of those guys who get off on sight and sound as most men tend to be, you could instruct her to take your penis as far back as she can without throwing up. Even is she can't manage to deep throat the whole penis, she will still gag as long as she is attempting to deep throat.

It might help here to read Angry Girlfriends Guide to Giving Better Blow Jobs.

So back the part about swallowing. Swallowing isn't for everyone. Some women don't mind going the extra mile and others refuse to go there at all cost. Don't push it on her. We get annoyed when you guys keep bugging us to do shit that we don't want to do. It's okay to drop hints every once in a while, but if you are consistently harassing us about something that we don't want to do, chances are if we do finally cave in, there will be some type of retaliation to get back at you.

Hope that helps you out, Mr. 11 Inch Penis.

Angry Girlfriend

P.S. Your girlfriend must be a trooper to let you fuck her and not cry with that thing. I don't know of too many woman who could handle 11 inches. For that alone, I wouldn't bug her too much about the whole blow job thing, but that's just me.

So what's up, my bitches? Keep them questions coming, hehe. Send them to angrygirlfriend@gmail.com or simply fill out the question form on the right side of the page. You know you want to.

Comments to Angry Girlfriend: Strap-On

I received a comment from one of my regular readers who I won’t name, but I will state that this person lives in Titusville, Florida (hehe). The comment was in reference to my blog Why Wish I I Had a Penis.

Titusville, FL said:

Try a strap-on and have fun. It’s not the same but it’s the closest you can get.


Titusville,

Let me tell you why your idea sucks:

1. I still want a penis.

2. I won’t be able to feel anything with a strap-on like I would if I had a penis.

3. I can't write my name in the snow with a strap-on.

4. I still want a penis.

5. I can’t feel a blow job with a strap-on.

6. I still wouldn’t know what it would feel like to actually penetrate a vagina or an asshole with a strap-on.

7. I STILL WANT A PENIS!!!

The bottom line is a strap-on is NOTHING like having a real penis at all. I own a strap-on, so I speak from personal experience.

I can’t jerk off a strap-on and get any feeling from that. I can’t feel anything at all! It’s rubber!

To compare a strap-on to a real penis is completely absurd. Other then the way they are shaped, they share nothing else in common. Not texture or feeling, nothing!

I stated 14 good reasons for wanting a real penis. Out of that list of 14, I can do…oh, let’s see… ABSOLUTELY NOTHING that I mentioned with a strap-on. So if having a strap-on is the closest I can get to having a real penis, then I guess I’m fucked.

But thanks anyways… Even if your idea did suck balls, speaking of which, most strap-on’s don’t even include a pair, not that it matters since I’d get no feeling from it whatsoever.

Angry Girlfriend

Questions and comments can be sent to angrygirlfriend@gmail.com or you can fill out the form on the right. I'd love to hear from you!

Questions to Angry Girlfriend: Inspiration

Here's a question from one of my readers about my last post Word's of Wisdom:

Ur Wanna-Be Husband writes:

Dear Angry Girlfriend,

Does words of wisdom mean your running low on inspiration?


How you doing down there in Florida, Wanna-Be? (So much for anonymity, lol).

To answer your question: Absolutely not!

What it does mean is that I was on my period when I quoted "Word's of Wisdom" from whoever the hell the original writer may have been and was severely PMSing. I don't care what anyone has to say (mom, I’m talking about you), PMS is a bitch.

I was simply stating a fact. Well it was more of a warning to all you men who don’t seem to know any better. Woman can be quite bitchy, and rightfully so, when they’re on their period and I wouldn’t trust a single one of them, myself including, during that time of month.

I was bleeding like a hemorrhaging cow which naturally would alter anyone’s mood, but how would a man know? It’s not like you guys go through that.

How I wish you men could suffer through at least one period in your lifetime like we women do every 28 days for 5 days straight for approximately 38 years of our lives so you could deal with changing maxi pads and tampons, and buying aspirin and heating pads to ease your stomach cramps, not to mention the irritability you feel cause you cant fit into your normal, everyday clothes due to all the bloating and water retention. Then there’s that feeling of “Blah”, where you just so blah. (Yes, blah can be a feeling and if you don’t believe me, I dare you to even try question me on that. You won’t win).

So back to your original question. Am I out of inspiration?

Honey, I’m just barely getting started.

Angry Girlfriend

NEXT!

Come on. I know more of you have questions for me. Whether it’s about my bitchiness, my obsession with things of sexual nature, or my random ranting about something, nothing, and everything I want to hear it. Send questions to angrygirlfriend@gmail.com or simply fill out the question form on the right side of the page.

Gotta Love Family

This is an email that I received from my aunt and her husband at the beginning of this year. It really pissed me off because I had had such a shitty year which my aunt had known about and yet she allowed her husband to send me this crappy ass email telling me about their wonderful year.

I've blanked out their faces from the photos just to be nice, though I didn't bother to change their names. I've also created a video highliting the key elements of the whole ordeal in case you're too lazy to read the emails.


Belated Seasons Greetings 2006

This has been an eventful year for Bert and Soralla, beginning with our wedding and ending with house renovations that kept us living out of boxes until last weekend. Thus, it was difficult to get cards out on time, so we are sending this belated greeting through e-mail.




We began the year with a destination wedding. We spent a week in Punta Cana, Dominican Republic. A small group of friends and family joined us on this trip and had a great time on the sunny beaches of the Caribbean in an all inclusive resort. We drank lots of mamajuana, the native drink, and went on a couple of excursions, but spent most of the time enjoying the resort facilities and preparing for the wedding, which happened toward the end of the trip. Soralla’s mom was her maid of honor and Bert’s son Joshua was his best man. It took a few months to get the marriage license and then translate it into English and Soralla’s official name now is Soralla F***********.

We had another great short weekend trip in March to New York, where we bought a time share associated with the Hilton. With all the other travel we’ve been doing, we haven’t had a chance to go back there, but we used the points for a few days in Texas this summer and have been racking up points to use for future vacations.



The sad news of the year was the death of Bert’s mother in June. She has been ill and bedridden for several years and spent her last years surrounded by family in the home of his sister Altah. Thankfully she died peacefully in her sleep. The family all went to Texas to bury her in the small town of Cuero next to Bert’s father. Since we were there, and Soralla had never been to Texas before, we decided to stay a few days longer. We had a nice hotel room at the San Antonio Hilton, overlooking the Riverwalk. We enjoyed the Mexican influence of the area, along with the Venice-type atmosphere of the river. We went on to spend a couple of days in Austin where we were able to visit with Bert’s cousins and Soralla’s aunt, uncle and cousin.

In August, we went to Miami and bough a second home for Soralla’s mother. This is actually the first home we have owned together. We spent half the week looking at townhouses and the rest visiting her mom, going to the beach, etc. In September we went back for a long weekend for settlement. Her mother and boyfriend are enjoying this new home immensely.



Then in November, Bert’s daughter Ann-Marie got married. This was another destination wedding, this time in Playa del Carmen, Mexico, on the Yucatan peninsula. This was the first time meeting Ann-Marie’s new in-laws. We became daredevils on this trip. We went on a zip line through the jungle, repelled down a sinkhole into a cave, snorkeled and went parasailing. We also took a side trip to Cozumel and the Mayan ruins at Tulum. We also enjoyed all the howler monkeys, agoutis and iguanas that roamed the resort.

Right after we returned from Mexico, Soralla started her new job as Budget Manager of the Baltimore City Public School System. She has jumped right in, working on next year’s budget, and is enjoying the challenge.

For a lot of the fall we have been living in cramped quarters as everything on our first floor has been moved up or down so that the whole floor can be remodeled. This has taken longer than we ever thought and we especially missed having a kitchen. We never thought we could get tired of eating out, but it got old after a while. It is just now getting finished and we had our first breakfast in it 2 days before Christmas. That same day, we got a Christmas tree, which is now the only piece of furniture in the room.



We are now looking forward to our first anniversary next month, as well as to another wonderful and exciting year together. We wish you and your family a happy and prosperous new year.


Bert and Soralla


(Imagine, even the saddest part of their year turns into a vacation, that of course was wonderful. Good for them! Must be nice to be so well off!)

As I stated, my year had been pretty rough, and I really didn't see the point in them throwing all this shit in my face. I'm not normally such a cynical person, nor am I jealous, but come on, have some respect for those of us who aren't as fortunate to turn our bad moments into another vacation getaway.

I had to respond to this email, and I kid you not, it must've taken me about 10 minutes to write my own little reply to the happy couple. This is the email I sent them:

Happy Fucking New Year!

Here's a little recap of 2006 just for you!

I'm sure you remember that we bought a house. But that was in December of 2005 so that's don't count. In January, my whole family flew out to Punta Cana, DR for a Soralla and Bert's fabulous wedding (well so I heard it was fabulous). I wouldn't know for sure because I couldn't attend since I was broke and all after buying a new house and Christmas had just passed. Mind you I only had $200 to spend that Christmas to begin with, so I don't have to really tell you how broke I was. From what I heard about the wedding, sounds like everyone had a blast. Everyone except me who was still stuck here, in the States, but whatever.


Sometime in February, Billy took out a loan on his Saab without my knowledge cause apparently we were already going through some financial difficulties that I wasn't aware of since he never told me. Citibank appraised his car at $10,000 and gave him a loan for that amount. Of course with interest and all, he'll have to repay them $15,000. I probably should've known we'd have financially difficulties early on since he was only making $14/hr and our mortgage was $1700/mo. You do the math.

By March, he had managed to get himself quite a raise. $20/hr! But with a $1700 monthly mortgage and other bills... Go ahead... You do the math.



In a month, the $10,000 loan was gone. Yep! All gone. What did it get spent on? I'll give you one guess. BILLS. Ain't that some shit!

But our whole year wasn't shitty. In February, we found out that Billy's sister Glenda was pregnant with 'oooppps baby' number 2. And later in March, my own sister admitted to also being pregnant with baby number 2. What a coincidence since they were both pregnant together the 1st time around!

In May, nothing eventful happened to me cause I was too fucking broke to celebrate my birthday. However, on May 22, 2006, Glenda married Fredo at the courthouse. It wasn't the way the couple had planned to marry, but Glenda didn't have any health insurance, and wasn't eligible for Medicaid since the new law, (Thanks to President Bush), states that anyone who didn't have their greencard prior to June 2003 is no longer eligible to apply for Medicaid. Glenda got her greencard in August of 2003, just missing the deadline by 2 months. So she and Fredo married so that his health insurance from his job could cover her. Congrats on the wedding, guys! I was the only witness at the wedding and we didn't really get a chance to take photos since we were in and out in about 5 minutes.

Oh well, Ce'st la Vie. We can't all have big fancy weddings in Punta Cana, DR, now can we?



June was a pretty eventful month. We took a trip to Myrtle Beach. We got to go free since it was one of those Timeshare things. God knows that's the only way we can afford a vacation. It was great though, probably one of the highlights of my year.



Later in June, Elena gave birth to her second child, Tayla. Of course I couldn't be there cause I was too fucking broke to fly out to L.A.



In July, we missed our first mortgage payment. Turns out that little vacations in Myrtle Beach would have bigger repercussions then we thought.



In August, we celebrated Angel's 1st birthday. What a miracle that either of us made it through our 1st year together.
We also missed our 2nd mortgage payment in a row.
I took a job with Cantrell, Inc. who runs a series of phone sex services, to help pay bills.

However, somehow, in September we were able to pay off our mortgage for that month, but then things took a turn for the worse.



In October we missed our 3rd mortgage payment and we were facing foreclosure. This was definitely our low point of the year as we had no money and had no idea how the hell we were going to get out of this situation. We ended up having to ask various family members for help cause we were so desperate. Luckily we got out asses out that hole. Great Halloween picture of Angel and Oscar, though.



In November, we were so broke from paying 3 months of backed up mortgage that we fell behind on all of our other bills. So now we're trying to play catch up with those bills, and we have bill collectors calling us like 5 times a day. Oh yea, and Glenda gave birth to her 2nd child. Congrats.



See this empty corner? This is where our Christmas tree would've gone, but we were too broke to buy a tree so the corner stayed empty and Christmas this year didn't even bother coming to our house. After such a long bad year with all our financial issues, the Christmas spirit must've died on it's way cause we never felt it. Oh by the way Soralla, thanx for the Snoopy Christmas Ornament. I'll be sure to hang it on my invisible Christmas tree.

Oh and my grades for the semester are on hold cause I couldn't pay my tuition, so I own PGCC like $500 or I won't find out my grade or be able to enroll for the coming semester.

It's nice to see that all the White People in White America are doing so well. Just the way Bush wanted it. Congratulations on turning white. That seems to be your biggest accomplishment of the year.

I'm sure I won't always be so financially unstable, but whenever I do get my shit together, I'll make sure not to send people newsletters at the end of the year to remind them of what a shitty year they had.


Soraya
Happy Fucking New Year!


Some people claim that I was a little too evil and cynical. I didn't mean to be, but I just couldn't help myself. I felt that if they wanted to share with me how great their year was, maybe I should share with them how crappy my year was with them.

Sending them this email actually served me 2 purposes:

1. They both felt so guilty about what I crappy year I had had that they ended up paying the $500 that I owed my school to release my grades.

2. They took me off their mailing list, ensuring that I will never receive another email about their oh-so-wonderful life.