Because You Breathe

I'm tired of sucking dick. It was fun and gravy but I feel that 75% of the time, it goes unappreciated.

So I've been avoiding it. But Cornholio catches on to these types of things. Not the part that I'm feeling unappreciated, but the part that I don't want his penis anywhere near my mouth.

Then he finds ways to trick me so I feel bad about it.

It goes something kinda like this:

Him: So... don't you wanna suck it?

Me: Ummmm, no not really?

Him: You sure? Cause it's right here...

Me: Yeah, I'm sure.

Him: Why are you being so mean?

Me: (mumble) Because you breathe...

Him: What did you just say?

Me: Nothing...

Him: You said something. I heard you...

Me: No, I didn't say anything...

Him: Yes, you did. You said, because I breathe. You want me to die? How could you say that?

Me: No, no. You misunderstood. I said because you peed. Because you peed, not breathe. I don't wanna suck your penis because you just peed.

Him: You peed in my food again didn't you? What have I ever done to you, for you to treat me so bad?

Me: Calm down! You're over reacting... I haven't done anything to your food.

Him: You're trying to kill me aren't you?

Me: Don't you think that's a little extreme? Why would I want to kill you?

Him: Because I breathe...

Me: For the last time... I said because you peed, not breathe... Dammit! Fine I'll suck your dick!

Him: Ok... if you insist...

Mother fucker! Gets me out of guilt every time. What a conniving little fuck.

Of course, this all really my fault. I just can't help but to say something fucked up. It's all just one big set up.

What a fucking prick.

Questions to Angry Girlfriend: How Do I Get Her to Give a Better Blow Job? Part II

I had received an email from Devin about a week ago asking me for advice on how to get his girlfriend to give him a better blow job.

After sending him a reply and posting it here, I figured that would be that and hopefully I had helped him out.

Devin apparently had more questions. This is Devin's next email to me:

Hey Angry Girlfriend,

It's me again, Devin. I said she can't swallow my cum, because she says that I cum too much. My shit just pours out. I do have a lot of cum. I do get off on sight and sound, but I like my dick to be sucked good. She only gets about 4 inches of it. I dunno if its because I'm thick also, but I don't think 4 inches is a lot. What do I do about cumming so much, or having her taste it? Also, how do I get her to get more of my dick, without hurting her feelings? Please help.

Devin.

P.S. Do u swallow or deep throat? Just out of curiosity. If you do, what is the secret to it?


Round 2 with Devin. Here we go:

Well Devin,

I recall you mentioning that your penis is about 11 inches in length. If that information is accurate, then of course she's going to have a hard time deep throating.


There's been many studies done on what the average size of a male penis is. These averages have ranged anywhere from 5 1/2 inches to 6 1/2 inches.

Let's pretend for a minute that your penis was on the bigger side of this average spectrum. If your girlfriend were to attempt to deep throat a penis that was 6 1/2 inches, not only would she have more then half of it in her mouth but she would probably be more likely to attempt getting as much more as she could since she wouldn't have much more to go.

To you 4 inches isn't a lot, nor would I consider it to be deep throating but to a man with the average sized penis, it would come pretty close.

I'm guessing your girlfriend isn't a porn star, so it's unrealistic to expect her or any other normal girl to deep throat an 11 inch penis (unless she doesn't have any gag reflexes).

The best I can give you to pass onto your girlfriend would be to try and stay relaxed. She can get more down is her mouth and jaw stay relaxed, though I still doubt that she'll be deep throating 11 inch cocks anytime soon.

As for your situation of coming too much, no one wants to swallow spunky sperm. If your sperm has an odd taste to it, then she's not going to want it in her mouth no matter the quantity.

Foods you eat can affect the way the sperm taste either making it more tolerable or less tolerable.

Foods that are high in natural sugars give sperm a much more bearable taste and it wont matter how much you shoot out since the taste will be less noticeable.

Read my guide to prevent spunky sperm which list the foods you should eat and avoid:

Angry Girlfriends Guide to Preventing Spunky Sperm.

And Devin, if I'm writing about it, it's cause I do it. All my secrets are posted on my blog. I don't post anything that I myself haven't tried out first.

Angry Girlfriends Guide to Giving Better Blow Jobs.

Read tip number 11. It's my own personal secret to deep throating. Just a quick warning. Just because it works for me doesn't mean it will work for everyone else. Some people just have an overly sensitive gag reflex.

Hope this helps. As always, feel free to write me back if you need some more help.

Angry Girlfriend


If anyone else out there has any tips for Devin, post me a comment or send me an email. I'll forward it to him.

And if anyone other then Devin has a question for me, send an email to angrygirlfriend@gmail.com or fill out the form on the right side of this page.

Questions to Angry Girlfriend: How Do I Get Her to Give a Better Blow Job?

First question of the new year.

Devin writes:

Dear Angry Girlfriend,

I have an 11 inch penis and my gf cannot deepthroat me or swallow my cum. How do I get her to give me a better blowjob, while still gagging and attempting to deepthroat?

She can't or won't swallow? I never heard of anyone who couldn't swallow cum but I know of plenty who won't swallow cum.

As for the deep throating thing. There's a whole technique for deep throating, however if you're really as big as you claim to be, she might have a slight problem getting your penis all the way to the back of her throat.

Have you talked to her about what you expect from a blow job? Even if she's unable to deep throat you completely, if you happen to be one of those guys who get off on sight and sound as most men tend to be, you could instruct her to take your penis as far back as she can without throwing up. Even is she can't manage to deep throat the whole penis, she will still gag as long as she is attempting to deep throat.

It might help here to read Angry Girlfriends Guide to Giving Better Blow Jobs.

So back the part about swallowing. Swallowing isn't for everyone. Some women don't mind going the extra mile and others refuse to go there at all cost. Don't push it on her. We get annoyed when you guys keep bugging us to do shit that we don't want to do. It's okay to drop hints every once in a while, but if you are consistently harassing us about something that we don't want to do, chances are if we do finally cave in, there will be some type of retaliation to get back at you.

Hope that helps you out, Mr. 11 Inch Penis.

Angry Girlfriend

P.S. Your girlfriend must be a trooper to let you fuck her and not cry with that thing. I don't know of too many woman who could handle 11 inches. For that alone, I wouldn't bug her too much about the whole blow job thing, but that's just me.

So what's up, my bitches? Keep them questions coming, hehe. Send them to angrygirlfriend@gmail.com or simply fill out the question form on the right side of the page. You know you want to.

Angry Girlfriends Guide to Giving Better Blow Jobs

What can be said about a blow job? Well, there you are, bobbing your head up and down, using you hand to cover the parts that your mouth don’t, while trying to synchronize both keeping enough lubrication in your mouth and using your tongue so that you don’t cause any friction, all while trying to keep your teeth from scraping the guys penis.

They don’t call it a blow job without a reason. The fact of the matter is, guys love it and women take pleasure in pleasing their men. But not all men are created equal. What may please one man may not please your man.

I can’t give you a guide on how to give the perfect blow job, but I can most certainly give you a guide on tips to giving a better blow job. With that said, lets move onto to Angry Girlfriends Guide to Giving Better Blow Jobs:

1. Find out what he likes.
It may surprise you to know that most men like their penis manhandled. If you’ve ever watched your man masturbate then you will notice how rough he might be with it. It’s very important that you take notice on how he treats his own penis in order to please him the way he wants.

However, if he is one that is too shy about allowing you watch him pleasure himself, then you’re going to have to learn from trial and error. Take note of facial expressions that he makes while you’re sucking him off. Is it a face of pleasure or pain? If pleasure, keep note of what you did and repeat it. If pain, then it’s probably safe to assume that you should cross whatever it is you did off the list unless he’s a masochist.
2. Men are visually stimulated.
Here’s something that most woman don’t know: For many man, the feeling of receiving oral sex is not nearly as good as the feeling of actually penetrating a vagina. However, because men tend to be visually stimulated, the act of watching their partner performing oral sex is what gets them off more then the act of receiving oral sex.
3. Just because he’s soft, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t suck it.
Men like their dicks sucked whether they are soft or hard. Most men actually prefer that you start while they are soft and build them up to a good hard erection. Ever considered blowing him while he's asleep? It might take him a while to realize what's going on, but once he figures it out, he'll be more then grateful.

4. Suck and Twist
The suck and twist technique is the most basic blow job technique. It requires both hand and mouth. While you use as much of your mouth as you can without gagging, you cover the area of the penis that you’re mouth cannot cover with your hand. Your hand should twist the base of the penis while you are bobbing your head up and down. You can never use too much saliva, so get your mouth as moist as you possibly can and keep the entire penis, from head to shaft, covered in saliva.

5. Use Ice
Because your mouth is already warm, a piece of ice in the mouth creates an intense hot/cool feeling that most men really enjoy while receiving a blow job.

6. Toothpaste
Toothpaste may seem like odd thing to integrate into your sex life, but it can be used to heighten the feeling of oral sex. Like ice, it creates that intense hot/cold feeling and can be used as a replacement to ice. Just be careful not to use too much toothpaste. Using too much, can create and unpleasant burning feeling on the mans penis. Use no more then about half a dime size portion of toothpaste in your mouth.
7. You don’t have to suck the whole time.
Switch up between sucking and licking to keep things interesting. Licking the tip of the penis can not only stimulate a man but it can also build up more sexual tension. Play around with the tip for a bit by just licking.
8. Use lots of spit.
The sloppier, the better. Men love to see their penis being spit on (think porn). It’s all part of the visual stimulation. Plus the extra lube helps to both intensify the pleasure of oral sex as well as helps to simulate the feeling of vaginal penetration.

9. Make eye contact.
Making eye contact is a turn on because it conveys the feeling that you enjoy what you’re doing. Moaning while giving a blow job also tells your partner that you’re are completely into him and want to satisfy him.

10. Don’t forget the boys.
Men love to have their balls sucked on while receiving some good oral. While you suck on his balls, continue to stroke his penis with your hand.

11. Deep throating.
Men love to be deep throated, but most of us have a hard time doing it without gagging, that is unless you have no gag reflexes. But, believe it or not, men actually like it when we gag for two reasons:

I. They are visually stimulated by watching us gag
II. It boost their ego and makes them think that their dick is huge

Just make sure that when you gag that you make the sexy “Oh-God-your-dick-is-so-big” face versus the “Oh-God-I-think-I’m-gonna-throw-up-on-your-dick” face. The latter is not sexy to any man on any level. No man likes that idea of having his dick puked on.

Deep throating takes quite a bit of practice but can be done. One trick that I use is swallowing some spit right before taking the penis all the way back. By swallowing, you cause your jaw muscles relax and are able to take the penis down further though you still may gag some.

12. Spit or Swallow?
This is a timeless question. Truth be known, it doesn’t really matter if you do spit or swallow. If you let the man ejaculate in your mouth in the first place, then it’s really all the same. Men get off on the pressure that the sucking creates and the warmth of the mouth. Woman who swallow, usually aren’t gulping it down as the man ejaculates, rather they keep it in their mouth until their partner is done ejaculating, then swallow while pulling their mouth off of their partners penis. So a woman who decided to spit afterwards is no different from a woman who swallows after the ejaculation has been completed.

Men are just more turned on by a woman who swallows because it’s an ego thing and it turns them on to watch even after the fact that they have already finished. Plus they figure that if they can get a woman to swallow, it opens the doors to other more taboo sexual activities.

A trick to swallowing without gagging is to place the penis as far back into your mouth as you can while your partner is ejaculating. The further back it is, the less likely you are to taste the ejaculation since your taste buds further back on your tongue are less sensitive to taste as the taste buds on the front of your tongue.

Putting these tips to use will most certainly give him the time of his life and earn you a high ranking on his Best Blow Job Ever list!

UPDATE 01/03/12 - I don't personally know this 'Jack' guy, but I read part of his book... I hate to admit it, but he's got some interesting perspectives about blow jobs. Men will be men and say some really crude shit, but from what I get, he just wants a really good blow job. He's kinda a humanitarian in a sense. Helping other people by helping himself. It makes sense. Plus, since I don't have a penis, he might know a bit more on this subject then myself. His website is www.jacksblowjoblessons.com

On a random note; when I think of the work 'jack', I think of jacking off... Go figure.