This is a pretty long story, so I'm going to break it down into parts. Consider this part 1.
Here we go:
This past Saturday, I headed out to see fireworks with my family.
It was a nice day... Not too hot and not too cold.
Frijolero managed to piss me off almost immediately after we got there and so he went off to the park while I searched for a spot to set out the blanket so that when the firework show got started, we'd have a good view.
Not long after I had settled in, I was approached by a seemingly normal human being who complimented me on my purple hair.
She asked if she could join me so I figured, why not? I mean I thought she was normal.
Oh, how wrong I was...
It took me about 15 minutes to realize that this crazy bitch was on something... I initially assumed she was drunk but then realized that it could be alcohol.
That's when she offered to sell me some of her Valum. BINGO.
Of course, I declined because I don't take drugs from strangers.
So naturally, she did what any normal crazy person would do and said to me, "Fuck. I like you. I'm gonna give you some free Valum".
Just what I wanted. I pretended to take the pill to get the crack head to stop pestering me, but with a quick slide of hand, I actually put it under the blanket that I was sitting on.
Eventually, the family came back to join me. When she saw the Boy Son, she asked me if he was mine and I told her yeah.
To which she replied, "You're so lucky that you have your kids. Cause I don't have mine".
She told me some strange story about her first child living in Pennsylvania, but that she technically hadn't lost custody of her 2nd child. Her ex-husband had apparently taken the 2nd child and denied her from seeing him. I wonder why...
She then went on about how she had been sober from alcohol since October 2008 and no drugs either.
I wanted to laugh at that, but she's crazy so that probably wouldn't have been a good idea.
She must've forgotten about the Valum she had offered me 15 minutes earlier, or I guess maybe she doesn't count prescription drugs as real drugs.
She then asked me one of the weirdest questions anyone has ever asked me. She asked, "Hey. Are all your teeth real? Like are they all really your teeth?"
"Ummmmm. Yeah. At least, the last time I checked they were", I said to her.
She replied, "Oh. That's cool. I'm only 30 and I only have 4 teeth. All of my top teeth are fake".
She then pulled out her teeth to show me.
"Ummmmm, what happened to all your teeth?", I asked her.
"Oh, they all fell out cause I use to fall down a lot of stairs when I was drunk", she answered.
Yep. She was about as normal as they come.
What is it about me that attracts all these crazy people? Why do I meet all the crazies? Why me? Does this mean that I must be crazy, too?
Coming soon: The Crack Head and the Guatemalan.
Showing posts with label people. Show all posts
Showing posts with label people. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Monday, May 5, 2008
A Brainless Cunt I Am
I received several comments yesterday about my Cinco de Mayo blog. Those comments can be seen here: Cinco De Mayo comments.
Needless to say, I pissed off at least 2 gringos, which was completely expected. Maybe I should've specified that when I was referring to White People or Gringos, I was referring to White Americans specifically.
I don't know if that makes my blog better, or worse. Whatever, that's not even relevant.
Once again, let me reiterate: I am an equal opportunist racist. Meaning that I am racist against everyone. My own race included.
If you don't like what I have to say, then don't read it. It's that simple. No one is forcing you to read my bullshit and anyone who has a fucking brain knows that that's exactly what my rants are: bullshit.
Don't like my sense of humor? Then go fuck yourself.
Don't find racism funny? Let's be real. Who doesn't find racism funny?
It's okay to laugh at yourself from time to time, so get the stick out you ass and have fun with it.
P.S.
To the Angry White Person who commented that I'm a brainless cunt, thanks for the title and for taking the time to not only read my blog, but for posting a comment as well.
I also wanna give a shout out to the other Angry White Person who thinks my tattoo is ugly, and that no one cares about my random rants, and is in favor of deporting all spics back to Mexico.
Without you guys, my blog would be boring and pointless. In a way, I guess you could say you Angry White People are like my supporters.
I love you all! Viva la deportation!
Needless to say, I pissed off at least 2 gringos, which was completely expected. Maybe I should've specified that when I was referring to White People or Gringos, I was referring to White Americans specifically.
I don't know if that makes my blog better, or worse. Whatever, that's not even relevant.
Once again, let me reiterate: I am an equal opportunist racist. Meaning that I am racist against everyone. My own race included.
If you don't like what I have to say, then don't read it. It's that simple. No one is forcing you to read my bullshit and anyone who has a fucking brain knows that that's exactly what my rants are: bullshit.
Don't like my sense of humor? Then go fuck yourself.
Don't find racism funny? Let's be real. Who doesn't find racism funny?
It's okay to laugh at yourself from time to time, so get the stick out you ass and have fun with it.
P.S.
To the Angry White Person who commented that I'm a brainless cunt, thanks for the title and for taking the time to not only read my blog, but for posting a comment as well.
I also wanna give a shout out to the other Angry White Person who thinks my tattoo is ugly, and that no one cares about my random rants, and is in favor of deporting all spics back to Mexico.
Without you guys, my blog would be boring and pointless. In a way, I guess you could say you Angry White People are like my supporters.
I love you all! Viva la deportation!
White People & Cinco De Mayo
So today is Cinco De Mayo and I can't even begin to tell how annoyed I am at all the white people who have asked me about what I'm doing to celebrate Cinco de Mayo.
Second, you Gringos need to get it out your head that Cinco de Mayo is Mexico's Independence Day... It's not!
Third, even the Mexicans in Mexico don't celebrate this supposed holiday. It's only celebrated in the town of Puebla and if you knew the correct history of Cinco de Mayo, you'd know why.
Mexicans living in the U.S. tend to celebrate this holiday as well, though I don't know why. But hey, they're Mexican, so as far as I'm concerned, they can do whatever the hell they want in regards to this holiday.
Believe me, I want to say some pretty fucked up shit to you white people reading this but, I wont. Instead, I'm going to give you some etiquette rules for Cinco De Mayo:
Cinco de Mayo Etiquette Rules:
1. Not every spic you come across is a Mexican.
2. With that in mind, it's completely inappropriate to ask us, "So what are your plans for Cinco de Mayo?", unless you for a fact that the spic in question is indeed a Mexican.
3. Don't be surprised if we get offended that YOU plan to celebrate Cinco de Mayo even though we don't. You are, after all, a gringo and therefore have no understanding whatsoever of what this day represents.
4. Drinking a few Corona's on Cinco de Mayo does NOT make you an honorary Mexican.
5. Though the Irish might let some of you gringos get away with that, "I'm 1/16th Irish, so it's cool for me to celebrate St. Patrick's Day", bullshit, telling a Mexican that you're 1/16th Mexican means absolutely shit. You're still not a Mexican, you fucking gringo. Get the fuck over it.
I'm sure some of you are out there reading this, wondering why I'm being so harsh on white people for wanting to celebrate Cinco de Mayo, so I'm going to tell you why.
I once had this conversation with this white girl who was so enthused that Cinco de Mayo was right around the corner and she couldn't wait to celebrate.
I, being the asshole that I am, asked her, "Why would you be celebrating Cinco de Mayo? You're white".
To which she replies, "So you're telling me that I can't celebrate it cause I'm white but you can celebrate it cause your latin?"
"I don't celebrate Cinco de Mayo at all because I'm not Mexican", I answered.
Well she seemed somewhat annoyed at my answer and she blurts out, "If I wanna celebrate the 9th of May, I can do whatever the hell I want".
All you Mexicans out there reading this are gonna love what I said to this bitch. I said, "You're a fucking dumb ass. Cinco de Mayo is the 5th of May, not the 9th. This is exactly why you white people have no business celebrating the holiday to begin with. You don't even know which day it is!".
I know this blog more then likely isn't going to discourage all you gringos out there from celebrating this holiday. So enjoy your Margaritas.
If I've done my job right, I've offended most, if not all the gringos reading this. But I'd just like to point out that I am an equal opportunist racist.
And though you white people are such easy targets, I like to keep shit balanced, so I'll be picking on another racial group in the near future.
Stay tuned to find out who...
Friday, April 25, 2008
White People & Margarita's
I was at a Tex-Mex restaurant yesterday, celebrating The Boyfriends mothers birthday, when I realized what seems to be a popular trend amongst the white people:
Almost every white person there had ordered a Margarita!
I know that subconsciously I had noticed this before, but for what ever reason, yesterday, I really took notice to this trend.
They were the pastiest of white folks, just chugging on Margaritas like it was the greatest drink the Mexicans had ever invented. I think more white people drink Margaritas then Mexicans.
I noticed several couples who came in with their toddlers and were pounding Margarita after Margarita like it was water.
Personally, I think Margaritas taste like shit, so it's hard for me to give an unbiased opinion of whether those white people just really enjoyed those Margaritas, or if maybe they were all just a bunch of redneck drunks.
There was another table that I noticed that was obviously engaged in a "business meeting", all while chugging down Margartias.
How do you have a business meeting when the employees are loaded of their asses from drinking one too many Margaritas?
At yet another table, there was a white couple that hadn't ordered Margaritas, much to my surprise. Instead, they had ordered Tecate. Mexican beer.
I'm sure the white people had no idea that Mexicans made beers other then Corona.
I paid close attention to the couple as I could see the puzzled look on their faces while they drank their Tecate's. I'm sure their conversation went something like this:
Sue: Wow, Bob! This Mexican beer sure is exotic.
Bob: Yeah, Sue. I didn't know Mexicans made beers other then Corona.
Sue: Yeah, me either. It's not bad though.
Bob: It's okay, I guess. It's sure no Miller Lite!
I could be wrong, but that's just what I imagined the conversation to be based on their facial expressions.
The best part of the night was when the Mexicans brought out the cake for The Boyfriend's mom, whose name, Maria, happens to be one of the most common spic names on the face of the planet, and started to sing "Jepi Berthdi".
I watched as all the white people, especially Bob and Sue, turned to our table as they probably wondered to themselves, "Why would Mexicans come to a Mexican restaurant? I mean, can't they just make this shit at home?"
I'm sure Sue told Bob something like, "Well, honey. It's her birthday. She probably didn't want to cook. You see how big that family is. And you know how Mexicans love to have the whole family living together".
We're not Mexicans and we sure as hell don't all live together. But Bob and Sue are white. How would they know the difference anyways? As far as Bob and Sue know, there are only 2 types of Spanish people. Mexicans and Puerto Ricans.
But I'll leave that blog for another day.
Cinco de Mayo is soon approaching and I know the liquor store will more then likely run out of Margarita Mix and tequila, as the white people flock to the stores to stock up on their Margaritas in preparation to celebrate a holiday that they don't even understand the meaning of.
But more on that on Cinco De Mayo.
Almost every white person there had ordered a Margarita!
I know that subconsciously I had noticed this before, but for what ever reason, yesterday, I really took notice to this trend.
They were the pastiest of white folks, just chugging on Margaritas like it was the greatest drink the Mexicans had ever invented. I think more white people drink Margaritas then Mexicans.
I noticed several couples who came in with their toddlers and were pounding Margarita after Margarita like it was water.
Personally, I think Margaritas taste like shit, so it's hard for me to give an unbiased opinion of whether those white people just really enjoyed those Margaritas, or if maybe they were all just a bunch of redneck drunks.
There was another table that I noticed that was obviously engaged in a "business meeting", all while chugging down Margartias.
How do you have a business meeting when the employees are loaded of their asses from drinking one too many Margaritas?
At yet another table, there was a white couple that hadn't ordered Margaritas, much to my surprise. Instead, they had ordered Tecate. Mexican beer.
I'm sure the white people had no idea that Mexicans made beers other then Corona.
I paid close attention to the couple as I could see the puzzled look on their faces while they drank their Tecate's. I'm sure their conversation went something like this:
Sue: Wow, Bob! This Mexican beer sure is exotic.
Bob: Yeah, Sue. I didn't know Mexicans made beers other then Corona.
Sue: Yeah, me either. It's not bad though.
Bob: It's okay, I guess. It's sure no Miller Lite!
I could be wrong, but that's just what I imagined the conversation to be based on their facial expressions.
The best part of the night was when the Mexicans brought out the cake for The Boyfriend's mom, whose name, Maria, happens to be one of the most common spic names on the face of the planet, and started to sing "Jepi Berthdi".
I watched as all the white people, especially Bob and Sue, turned to our table as they probably wondered to themselves, "Why would Mexicans come to a Mexican restaurant? I mean, can't they just make this shit at home?"
I'm sure Sue told Bob something like, "Well, honey. It's her birthday. She probably didn't want to cook. You see how big that family is. And you know how Mexicans love to have the whole family living together".
We're not Mexicans and we sure as hell don't all live together. But Bob and Sue are white. How would they know the difference anyways? As far as Bob and Sue know, there are only 2 types of Spanish people. Mexicans and Puerto Ricans.
But I'll leave that blog for another day.
Cinco de Mayo is soon approaching and I know the liquor store will more then likely run out of Margarita Mix and tequila, as the white people flock to the stores to stock up on their Margaritas in preparation to celebrate a holiday that they don't even understand the meaning of.
But more on that on Cinco De Mayo.
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