Cinco de Mayo

This year for Cinco de Mayo, my original plan was to go out to happy hour so I could make fun of all the people there who buy Margaritas and think to themselves, "Look at me! I'm so down with the Mexican people cause I'm like sitting here drinking a Mexican drink on a Mexican holiday in a Mexican restaurant and I got Mexican workers working on my yard and building me a deck".

But I didn't go out. Instead, I stayed home, had a buddy come over and we drank a 24 of Corona so we could feel down with the Mexicans, too (well, technically, my friend doesn't have to try to be down with the Mexicans since shes half Mexican).

We drank more for a lot less and talked a lot of shit about the people who were out at Don Pablos, Chevy's or any of those other "Mexican" restaurants that really aren't that Mexican at all.

I think we all know what Cinco de Mayo is really all about... It's another bullshit holiday that gives us an excuse to get randomly drunk. Kinda like St. Patricks Day only instead of little green midgets there a big ass hat that you throw on the floor and dance around it while singing "La Cucaracha".

I'm not really sure if anything I just typed really even makes sense since I'm still recovering from what ever the hell that little Mexican lesbiana did to me, but yea... Good times...

Did you know that Asians install house alarms? Yeah, I know... It's weird right?

This little Asian guy is actually kinda funny. He kinda reminds me of an Asian Carlos Mencia, only like Asian and works for Brinks Security.

And he didn't get offended when I made a comment about him eating the cat (which he claimed he was allergic to... Yeah, right... I'm sure he wants all his client with cats to think that he's allergic so that we'd be fooled when the cats ends up missing... Clever little Asian...)

Yea so ummm... yeah

White People & Cinco De Mayo

So today is Cinco De Mayo and I can't even begin to tell how annoyed I am at all the white people who have asked me about what I'm doing to celebrate Cinco de Mayo.

First off, I ain't a fucking Mexican, not there's anything wrong with that. I just feel the need to point out to all you Gringos that not everyone who is of Hispanic origin is from Mexico or of Mexican descent!

Second, you Gringos need to get it out your head that Cinco de Mayo is Mexico's Independence Day... It's not!

Third, even the Mexicans in Mexico don't celebrate this supposed holiday. It's only celebrated in the town of Puebla and if you knew the correct history of Cinco de Mayo, you'd know why.

Mexicans living in the U.S. tend to celebrate this holiday as well, though I don't know why. But hey, they're Mexican, so as far as I'm concerned, they can do whatever the hell they want in regards to this holiday.

Believe me, I want to say some pretty fucked up shit to you white people reading this but, I wont. Instead, I'm going to give you some etiquette rules for Cinco De Mayo:

Cinco de Mayo Etiquette Rules:

1. Not every spic you come across is a Mexican.

2. With that in mind, it's completely inappropriate to ask us, "So what are your plans for Cinco de Mayo?", unless you for a fact that the spic in question is indeed a Mexican.

3. Don't be surprised if we get offended that YOU plan to celebrate Cinco de Mayo even though we don't. You are, after all, a gringo and therefore have no understanding whatsoever of what this day represents.

4. Drinking a few Corona's on Cinco de Mayo does NOT make you an honorary Mexican.

5. Though the Irish might let some of you gringos get away with that, "I'm 1/16th Irish, so it's cool for me to celebrate St. Patrick's Day", bullshit, telling a Mexican that you're 1/16th Mexican means absolutely shit. You're still not a Mexican, you fucking gringo. Get the fuck over it.

I'm sure some of you are out there reading this, wondering why I'm being so harsh on white people for wanting to celebrate Cinco de Mayo, so I'm going to tell you why.

I once had this conversation with this white girl who was so enthused that Cinco de Mayo was right around the corner and she couldn't wait to celebrate.

I, being the asshole that I am, asked her, "Why would you be celebrating Cinco de Mayo? You're white".

To which she replies, "So you're telling me that I can't celebrate it cause I'm white but you can celebrate it cause your latin?"

"I don't celebrate Cinco de Mayo at all because I'm not Mexican", I answered.

Well she seemed somewhat annoyed at my answer and she blurts out, "If I wanna celebrate the 9th of May, I can do whatever the hell I want".

All you Mexicans out there reading this are gonna love what I said to this bitch. I said, "You're a fucking dumb ass. Cinco de Mayo is the 5th of May, not the 9th. This is exactly why you white people have no business celebrating the holiday to begin with. You don't even know which day it is!".

I know this blog more then likely isn't going to discourage all you gringos out there from celebrating this holiday. So enjoy your Margaritas.

If I've done my job right, I've offended most, if not all the gringos reading this. But I'd just like to point out that I am an equal opportunist racist.

And though you white people are such easy targets, I like to keep shit balanced, so I'll be picking on another racial group in the near future.

Stay tuned to find out who...