Drunk Mexicans on a Friday Before 5 PM

It never ceases to amaze me, the quantity of alcohol that most Mexicans seem able to tolerate.

While at work yesterday, I happen to look out the window at around 4:20 PM. I happen to see 2 men stumbling around outside.

Still several hours away from Happy Hour, these 2 guy were completely lit up. I mean they could barely even stand, let alone walk to where ever the hell they were headed to anyways.

This is where at all got even more interesting.

Both too drunk to stand, they decided to plop themselves right on my in-laws yard. The first guys pulls out a bottle of what I figured was more then likely rum, and just drank the rest of the bottle straight. As if already, he just wasn't drunk enough.

Well I wasn't going to miss this photo opt, so like the paparazzi, I pulled out my cell phone and started taking pictures from the house.

Here we see the 2 Drunk Mexicans (who are more then likely not Mexican at all, but in fact Salvadorians) laying in some awkward drunken embrace on my in-laws front lawn.


Here we see the 2 Drunk Mexicans still laying on the front lawn. Drunk Mexican #2 appears to be trying to sit himself up...


Drunk Mexican #2 was actually checking to see if his buddy, Drunk Mexican #1, was passed out enough for him to attempt to rob him.


Drunk Mexican #1 got up briefly and Drunk Mexican #2 convinced him to lay back down. Notice how Drunk Mexican #2 looks restless at this point.


Drunk Mexican #2 waits a while, then attempts to rob Drunk Mexican #1... again...

I guess Drunk Mexican #1 wasn't as stoned cold passed out and Drunk Mexican #2 had assumed. Soon after this picture was taken, they both drunkenly stood up, exchanged words, and then stumbled their own separate ways.

I watched as Drunken Mexican #1 went into the house next door. Apparently, he's my in-laws next door neighbor.

Good job, you Drunken Mexicans. Good job.

Not only did you manage to get shit-faced before 5 in the afternoon, you also happen to pass out on the wrong lawn, almost get robbed... twice, have your pictures taken, and then posted on the Internet.

Of course they'll never find out about it cause I'm pretty sure, neither one of them are even computer literate. And so goes on the life of a wetback.

I almost feel sorry for Drunk Mexican #1. With friends like that, who needs enemies?

And They Wonder Why Kids Are Fat...

On my way back to work, after picking up some lunch, I got stuck behind a school bus. I was rather annoyed, but became even more increasingly annoyed when I realized that the school bus was literally dropping the kids off at their front door.

I remember a time when I rode the school bus, and I could've sworn that I was dropped off with a mass of other kids at the same stop. We'd all scatter our own ways back home, and the walk was never too long, but by no means did we each individually get dropped off and picked up.

I mean this bus was basically stopping at every single block. I was disgusted when the bus stopped in front of one house then stopped yet again 5 houses down (yes, I counted) to drop off another child who could have very easily walked home from the stop before.

If all school buses are doing stupid shit like this, then it make sense why kids are so fat now (and, yes the kids that were dropped off were moderately over weight. I believe they call it "chunky").

These kids are especially at risk for being over weight, being Mexican and all. Especially, the woman.

I know this sounds sooo wrong, but you know Mexican woman just love to cook, strike one. They're usually pretty good cooks to begin and they love to eat, strike two. They also seem to be perpetually pregnant. Out comes one little tamale, in goes another. They have like 12-15 kids in a lifetime and never loose the baby weight from the first pregnancy since it was immediately followed by another pregnancy, strike three.

By the time they reach menopause and stop producing babies, they're so fat that you start to question whether they ate some of the babies instead of pushing them out of their vaginas.

I'm sure the chunkiness has something to do with all the tortilla's these kids are eating, as well as lack of exercise, though I would've assumed that all the house work these kids are putting in, not to mention raising their 6 younger siblings would be more then enough to keep their weight in check. Guess not.

All this talk about Mexicans has got me craving some Chipotle and a Corona. MMMMM HMMMM.

White People & Cinco De Mayo

So today is Cinco De Mayo and I can't even begin to tell how annoyed I am at all the white people who have asked me about what I'm doing to celebrate Cinco de Mayo.

First off, I ain't a fucking Mexican, not there's anything wrong with that. I just feel the need to point out to all you Gringos that not everyone who is of Hispanic origin is from Mexico or of Mexican descent!

Second, you Gringos need to get it out your head that Cinco de Mayo is Mexico's Independence Day... It's not!

Third, even the Mexicans in Mexico don't celebrate this supposed holiday. It's only celebrated in the town of Puebla and if you knew the correct history of Cinco de Mayo, you'd know why.

Mexicans living in the U.S. tend to celebrate this holiday as well, though I don't know why. But hey, they're Mexican, so as far as I'm concerned, they can do whatever the hell they want in regards to this holiday.

Believe me, I want to say some pretty fucked up shit to you white people reading this but, I wont. Instead, I'm going to give you some etiquette rules for Cinco De Mayo:

Cinco de Mayo Etiquette Rules:

1. Not every spic you come across is a Mexican.

2. With that in mind, it's completely inappropriate to ask us, "So what are your plans for Cinco de Mayo?", unless you for a fact that the spic in question is indeed a Mexican.

3. Don't be surprised if we get offended that YOU plan to celebrate Cinco de Mayo even though we don't. You are, after all, a gringo and therefore have no understanding whatsoever of what this day represents.

4. Drinking a few Corona's on Cinco de Mayo does NOT make you an honorary Mexican.

5. Though the Irish might let some of you gringos get away with that, "I'm 1/16th Irish, so it's cool for me to celebrate St. Patrick's Day", bullshit, telling a Mexican that you're 1/16th Mexican means absolutely shit. You're still not a Mexican, you fucking gringo. Get the fuck over it.

I'm sure some of you are out there reading this, wondering why I'm being so harsh on white people for wanting to celebrate Cinco de Mayo, so I'm going to tell you why.

I once had this conversation with this white girl who was so enthused that Cinco de Mayo was right around the corner and she couldn't wait to celebrate.

I, being the asshole that I am, asked her, "Why would you be celebrating Cinco de Mayo? You're white".

To which she replies, "So you're telling me that I can't celebrate it cause I'm white but you can celebrate it cause your latin?"

"I don't celebrate Cinco de Mayo at all because I'm not Mexican", I answered.

Well she seemed somewhat annoyed at my answer and she blurts out, "If I wanna celebrate the 9th of May, I can do whatever the hell I want".

All you Mexicans out there reading this are gonna love what I said to this bitch. I said, "You're a fucking dumb ass. Cinco de Mayo is the 5th of May, not the 9th. This is exactly why you white people have no business celebrating the holiday to begin with. You don't even know which day it is!".

I know this blog more then likely isn't going to discourage all you gringos out there from celebrating this holiday. So enjoy your Margaritas.

If I've done my job right, I've offended most, if not all the gringos reading this. But I'd just like to point out that I am an equal opportunist racist.

And though you white people are such easy targets, I like to keep shit balanced, so I'll be picking on another racial group in the near future.

Stay tuned to find out who...

White People & Margarita's

I was at a Tex-Mex restaurant yesterday, celebrating The Boyfriends mothers birthday, when I realized what seems to be a popular trend amongst the white people:

Almost every white person there had ordered a Margarita!

I know that subconsciously I had noticed this before, but for what ever reason, yesterday, I really took notice to this trend.

They were the pastiest of white folks, just chugging on Margaritas like it was the greatest drink the Mexicans had ever invented. I think more white people drink Margaritas then Mexicans.

I noticed several couples who came in with their toddlers and were pounding Margarita after Margarita like it was water.

Personally, I think Margaritas taste like shit, so it's hard for me to give an unbiased opinion of whether those white people just really enjoyed those Margaritas, or if maybe they were all just a bunch of redneck drunks.

There was another table that I noticed that was obviously engaged in a "business meeting", all while chugging down Margartias.

How do you have a business meeting when the employees are loaded of their asses from drinking one too many Margaritas?

At yet another table, there was a white couple that hadn't ordered Margaritas, much to my surprise. Instead, they had ordered Tecate. Mexican beer.

I'm sure the white people had no idea that Mexicans made beers other then Corona.

I paid close attention to the couple as I could see the puzzled look on their faces while they drank their Tecate's. I'm sure their conversation went something like this:

Sue: Wow, Bob! This Mexican beer sure is exotic.

Bob: Yeah, Sue. I didn't know Mexicans made beers other then Corona.

Sue: Yeah, me either. It's not bad though.

Bob: It's okay, I guess. It's sure no Miller Lite!

I could be wrong, but that's just what I imagined the conversation to be based on their facial expressions.

The best part of the night was when the Mexicans brought out the cake for The Boyfriend's mom, whose name, Maria, happens to be one of the most common spic names on the face of the planet, and started to sing "Jepi Berthdi".

I watched as all the white people, especially Bob and Sue, turned to our table as they probably wondered to themselves, "Why would Mexicans come to a Mexican restaurant? I mean, can't they just make this shit at home?"

I'm sure Sue told Bob something like, "Well, honey. It's her birthday. She probably didn't want to cook. You see how big that family is. And you know how Mexicans love to have the whole family living together".

We're not Mexicans and we sure as hell don't all live together. But Bob and Sue are white. How would they know the difference anyways? As far as Bob and Sue know, there are only 2 types of Spanish people. Mexicans and Puerto Ricans.

But I'll leave that blog for another day.

Cinco de Mayo is soon approaching and I know the liquor store will more then likely run out of Margarita Mix and tequila, as the white people flock to the stores to stock up on their Margaritas in preparation to celebrate a holiday that they don't even understand the meaning of.

But more on that on Cinco De Mayo.