Relapse

What people don't understand about self-harming is that it's just another coping mechanism.  As it happens, I was a cutter for many years, as well as bulimic.

I thought I had it all under control, but here at 31 years old, I've relapsed on both.

What happened to trigger this old bad habits, you might ask?

Long story short, I fell in love for the first time.  We all know I was married before and that ended horribly.  But I was never in love with my ex-husband.

I fell in love with who you know as Titusville, a long time friend who had always claimed to having feelings for me since we met about 13 years ago.

He's the kind of guy who likes the conquest of taking on the unknown and then destroying it.  I thought this only applied to work.  He's very good at his job, because of this quality.  Apparently, it also happens to be that he's the same way in his relationships with people.  I wish I would've known that much about him before we were in a relationship.

I was just another conquest, and he conquered me, that I can't deny.  And just like that, it was over, and back off into the friend zone, I went.  Like a toy he got tired of playing with and put back on the shelf... For good, I might add.

When he gave me the news of being still in love with an ex, lets just say, I fell apart.  Old habits came back.

So out with Titusville and in with old bad behaviors...

Cutting and bulimia, Welcome Home!

It's been a long time... I'm glad to have you back, because I need you both right now to get through these troubled times.

I never thought I would fall so hard, but I did and now I'm paying the consequences.  I might need therapy, but until the day that happens, all I have is my self-destructive behavior.

I wish I had a dad to kick your sorry ass.

Racist? I Think Not

My sister and I go Trick or Treating in my moms neighborhood every year for multiple reason:

1. They give out lots of candy

2. It's a "good neighborhood" and by that I mean lots of rich white people.

3. See reason number 2

Today, my sister got a text message from I'm guessing an acquaintance that she really didn't want to hang out with, but didn't know how to politely tell her that she wasn't interested in going Trick or Treating with her.

We had a conversation that went something like this:

E: How do I ask this chic to go Trick or Treating with me out of courtesy, but get her to say no?

Me: Tell her you're going out with me and I live in the ghetto.

E: She's black.

Me: Oh... Tell her I live in the Mexican ghetto?

(Pause)

My sister laughed hysterically for a second, said I was funny... Racist, but funny and decided to ignore her acquaintance altogether.

My way was somewhat more polite, but I could be wrong.

Happy Halloween, Ass fuckers!!!

On an irrelevant note, we all know that Halloween is just an excuse for all women in general to dress like sluts.

As a disclaimer, as Mitt Romney said, "Rape isn't really rape if you're dressed like a slut.  Then you're just asking for it".  Maybe he didn't say that, but I'm sure I heard it on the internet so it must be true.

I'm rambling on about nothing because I need to sleep. So goodnight.  I'll be more coherent in the morning.

Art is Self Expression

Picture Credits:
Photo Taken by BrighterNites

I can tell you this much.  The cuts aren't real.  Neither are the pills.  Well they are but, they are just an old prescription of antibiotics and red pens work best, if you don't press down too hard.

I'm just in a dark place right now and I let it reflect in this self-portrait.  As they say, "Art is form of self expression".

I call this one "Woman on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown", named after one of my all time favorite movies "Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown".

A morbid picture, I know.  But, morbidity and I have a long history and we seem to work quite well together.

Therapeutic? Yes, slightly.  Crazy? Absolutely. But, whatever gets me out of this funk.

And for the record, taking self portraits is a real pain in the ass.

Must Be Nice To Be Irresponsible

Seems like every since Billiards girlfriend has moved out, he's been willing to be more responsible with money.

However, I've also noticed that he's been out galavanting with different women with every night.  This makes me wary that he will be paying his child support on a timely manner every month.

At the end of the day, whether he is or isn't, it would be nice to know that I can rely on him for child support on a monthly basis.  However, I'm getting the feeling that there is more drama brewing.

Oh.. How do I get rid of this person, so I don't have to deal with his stupid bullshit on top of whatever it is I'm going through?

Dear Billiard, you will never change, will you?

Cause You Put It In The Air

I can't remember the last time I've been pulled over by the police.  I have a clean driving record and the last time I was pulled over had to be well over 8 years ago.

Today, the unthinkable happened and I was pulled over... For speeding... In a school zone...  Doesn't get much better than that.  Luckily it was before school hours and I was only going about 6 MPH over the speed limit.  But still, it sucks.

I apologized to the officer and started to explain that I had just moved to that part of town and wasn't familiar with where I was going, but I'm not going to make excuses because I should have been paying closer attention, and handed him my license and registration.  He was pretty cool about the whole thing, but all the same I got a ticket.

Minutes before I was pulled over, I was chatting with Titusville and this is the exact transcript from the conversation I had with him before I left the house.  This was the conversation:

8:09 AM Titusville: good luck. dont speed

8:10 AM Me: I wont

Five minutes later....

8:15 AM Me: Got pulled over

8:15 AM Titusville: nahuh

8:16 AM Me: Yep

8:16 AM Titusville: c'mon! I just told you to not speed

Yes, this really happened.  And yes, I do blame you, Titusville.  You put that shit in the air and I got pulled over.

So now I have a nice little court summons to deal with but the officer assured me that since I have a clean driving record, more then likely, it will get dismissed.

All the same... It's your fault, you dirty bastard. LOL

Gay Man

So I had posted a link to this video on my Facebook page a little earlier today:

With the video, I posted this status: Sometimes, I wish I was a gay man. I could have a penis and still have all the perks of being a feminine sans a menstrual cycle.

What I really wanted to say was: Sometime, I wish I was a gay man. I could have a penis and still have all the perks of being a feminine sans a menstrual cycle and still suck dick and take it up the ass.

Probably a little too much for Facebook though, huh?  Yeah, that's what I figured.  Just thought I'd share here. 

Back To School

School started for the kids out here in Las Vegas, NV on August 27th.  With so much going on and trying to get back into into routine with The Boy, things have been slightly hectic.  

And now with having just recently signing a lease to a house, we have to thrown moving into the whole mix. Technically, he would have a different school but, I just don't think it's fair to change his school.  He's started 2nd grade but this is already his second elementary school.

This means I have to suck it up and deal with the commute.  It's only about a 20 minute commute, but here in Vegas, anytime more than a 10 minute (15 minutes tops) commute, is considered far.

Originally, being from the east coast, I shouldn't be bitching at all because standard commute is about 30 minutes to and hour.  Throw traffic into the mix and you're looking at an hour and a half, easily.  But something about living here makes you forget that they'res a world outside of Vegas.

I actually don't think I mind that at all.