Beware of Dora the Explorer

One day, I’m talking to my sister on the phone and she randomly blurted out that she thinks her 3-year-old daughter would try to kill her if Dora the Explorer told her to do it. My sister is so fucking hilarious. I love that bitch. Who the hell else could come up with that shit? This has to be one of the most randomness things that my sister has ever blurted out, but it made me stop and think.

I think that she may actually be right. I started to take notice as my own son would repeat things that Dora would say just because she would tell the kids to repeat after her. She would ask him questions and he would respond to her. If Dora told him to put his hands up in the air and count to 3, he would do it.

I realized at that moment that Dora was actually more dangerous then I had originally assumed her to be. The control that Dora has over my son, as well as all the other kids his age, can only be described as those of a cult leader. Dora has my son, and all the other kids, completely brainwashed.

As if Dora wasn’t dangerous enough, her cousin Diego, is also someone to watch out for. My kid jumped off the couch while making noises like “Baby Jaguar” because he thought that he was jumping over a river to rescue a chinchilla or a red eye tree frog, or whatever the hell animal it was, all because Diego encouraged him to “follow me”. Scary, ain’t it?

And it’s not just Dora and Diego. Blue’s Clues and Yo! Gabba Gabba also breaks the “fourth wall” by engaging in conversation with the audience, but I think that Dora is by far the most dangerous one of them all.

Don’t laugh. I’m being serious. Just cause that bitch, Dora looks all sweet and innocent, don’t mean that she’s not really planning some kind of evil attack with her evil purple monkey, Boots.

Looks can be deceiving. Dora is jealous of kids with families because her life is so miserable. The cheeriness is all just a front. Her parents consistently neglect her and recently even dumped the responsibility of her infant twin brother and sister on her. Her best friend is a monkey and she’s left all day to run around in the woods all by herself.

There was one episode where she was in the middle of the woods and was trying to find her way home. This lead me to believe that perhaps it is her parents who leave her in the middle of the woods everyday, in hopes that she might get lost and not find her way back, though Dora herself seems completely oblivious to the fact that her parents are trying to get rid of her.

I believe that the minute Dora finally figures it all out she will use the kids to exact her revenge on her family and will possibly have the kids act out on their own families. She may seem harmless, but remember, Dora has spent her whole childhood lost in the woods and she talks to animals as well as to inanimate objects (Backpack and The Map). She is constantly being chased down by a fox who seems to be a kleptomaniac. Actually, the more I think about it, the more I’m starting to realize that Dora is starting to sound like a schizophrenic. Someone needs to put this kid on some Stelazine.

The bottom line is that under no circumstances should any child be left unattended with Dora talking to them on T.V. The bitch may seem harmless now, but if your kid turns against you one day for some unknown reason, you can’t say that you weren’t warned.