Angry Girlfriend

Making Amends

2012-01-31T19:04:00.000-08:00

There is a certain person out there, who I wont name specifically, who I feel I need to make amends with.

Can't say that I actually know this person, (you can thank your "friend" for that, since he's made it very clear that we can never meet because you're too shy and he feels some warped sense of responsibility towards you and the need to protect you. From who? I don't know. I'm actually quite a nice person).

Quite frankly, it's this stupid need to "protect" you that has made me as hostile towards you without having ever met you. Not fair to you, but let's just say I'm a very territorial person.

I like to literally mark my territory. Like I dog, I pee on things that belong to me. I've somewhat turned feral... I'm getting sidetracked.

Point is, I'm not crazy, I'm not a psycho bitch regardless of what you've heard or read for that matter, I'm not a lush (I swear, that fucker set me up), I've never been arrested nor have I ever required court order anger management, as of yet. See? I'm normal.

Not to brag, but I'm actually pretty fucking awesome. Although, most people probably wouldn't agree cause they still can't seem to see past the whole peeing into my ex's chicken ordeal. At some point and time, you have to let that go people! There has got to be a statue of limitations for certain random acts of crazy I tend to display... on rare occasion.

Again, I'm getting sidetracked... BIRD!!! Just kidding.

So yeah, person I kinda know but not really cause we've never actually met. I am offering you a peace offering to end the imaginary war that I seem to have created in my very own mind.

I do shit like that on occasions. It's what non-crazy people with an over active imagination do.

If you ever want to reach out to me so you can see for yourself how not crazy I am, you know how. Not that I expect you to, but the offer is there.

Why Bother?

2012-01-27T21:33:00.000-08:00

I consider myself to be a good friend. Always giving advice to those in need. Lately, I've noticed that people can me all the time, at all hours and I'm there to hear their bullshit and give advice.

The problem is when I'm in need, there's no one there for me. Granted, I know there's a 3 hour time difference between me and my East Coaster friends, and I haven't made too many friends out west cause quite frankly, in my life, people come and go.

As evil and bitchy as I am, I am good to those I care about. Unfortunately, the feelings are obviously NOT mutual. So who do I turn to when I'm in need of advice or guidance? No one. Cause no one gives a shit. And that's okay.

Just don't bother calling me at 3 am when you've gotten pulled over for a DUI and you need help bailing getting bailed out, or when you caught you boyfriend cheating on you, or when you find out that you're husband got another woman pregnant and has a whole different family on the side, or when you cheated on you're boyfriend and don't know who the father of your baby is, or when your boyfriend gave you an STI, etc...

Quite frankly, your problems are your own. Deal with it! I honestly don't give a shit anymore.

I have wasted a lot of time listening to the bullshit of others, when I don't even have a grip on my own life.

People come and go. It's time to move on and cut out the old. Good luck to you people back east. Quite frankly, I'm over your drama.

To Xanax Or Not to Xanax

2012-01-21T01:02:00.001-08:00

I've been suffering from panic attacks and insomnia for about the last 2 weeks, which sucks balls to say the least.

I was on the verge of finally caving in and popping a xanax, but me being the way I am, I just had to look up the side effects.

I think it's common knowledge at this point that the side effects are usually worse then the reason you're on the drug to begin with.

Did you know a side effect of xanax is 'hallucinations, seeing and hearing things that don't exist'.

I guess they felt the need to explain what a hallucination is just in case you're too high to put it together. Maybe what you're reading doesn't exist and hallucinations isn't a real side effect.

Next on the list: thinking of harming or killing yourself or trying to do so.

This is an awesome side effect. You get a prescription for xanax cause you were a little stressed out, had some anxiety issues and now you want to kill yourself.

For some of you, xanax will push you over the edge completely. Awesomeness! Have fun jumping off that bridge!

Another awesome side effect: depression.

The funny thing about anxiety and panic disorders is that the people who have them are usually already suffering from some form of depression.

Apparently, xanax can make you MORE depressed which in retrospect would explain why you might want to kill yourself while on this drug.

I think I've read enough. I'm tossing those pills out. Insomnia and panic: here I come!

Titusville in Titusville

2012-01-20T06:46:00.000-08:00

When we started dating about 3 months ago, Titusville and I thought that we had come up with this awesome plan that in order to not keep this relationship long distance for too long, he would take a job offer in New Jersey on a 2 month contract and then move out across the country with me once securing a job. I should mention that this contract ends in 5 days.

I guess I should also mention that this idea made sense at the time because he was going to be bringing home a substantial amount of money, so it seemed like a good idea.

Where this plan failed, unbeknownst to me, was when I went to go visit him for the holidays. Apparently, I forced him to book a hotel for the 2 weeks I was out there and drained his cash. He could've simply have told me not to come out, and that issue would have been avoided all together, but since I'm a grown-up, I'm suppose to think ahead. Anyone who knows me should know I NEVER THINK AHEAD. It's a character flaw.

Of course, planning in advance rarely works. He's pretty good at what he does which is something web related, but apparently there's only work for him on the east coast. Apparently, they don't have any web designers living anywhere else in the country. ONLY ON THE EAST COAST... IN FLORIDA... NOWHERE ELSE...

He's gotten tons of job offers back in Florida. Specifically, back in the same area he use to live. And that's ok. I don't mind waiting things out and doing the long distance thing. The problem is if he goes back to Florida, he'll be living with his former female roommate. Which isn't the problem. The problem is that he and this female roommate had a sexual relationship up until about a year ago.

Apparently, I'm suppose to trust him that nothing will happen. Which I do. I just don't trust HER. I'm sure he'd back away and not let things get to that level, but why put yourself in that situation to begin with?

So as it stands, he and I are in limbo and there's a possibility that we'll go our separate ways. All because I voiced my feelings about the subject, and anytime I bring up the topic of this roommate and my concerns about her, he throws a shit fest.

I did give him the ultimatum that if he moves back in with her, we're through. I was frustrated. And I'm not 100% sure if I really would walk or if it was just me talking out of anger. Maybe I'm in the wrong. Who knows? But what he fails to realize, ironically since he's one of the only people in this world to really know me best, is that I've been fucked over many a time.

Granted, I understand that you can't take out your insecurities, and anger on the new guy, but come on.

This woman post shit on your Facebook every fucking day, you talk to her on the phone every fucking day, and now you're going to be living together again? And you still can't see why I might have an issue with this?

Yeah, Facebook is just Facebook, but you have a relationship with this person ON and OFFLINE on a daily basis. And now you won't talk to me because I voiced a concern???

I hope that someone is reading this. Help us shed some light on who is in the wrong here, because Titusville is pretty damn good at flipping the script and making me feel guilty for not trusting him, which I never said to begin with. I'm just saying, if the situation was in reverse, how cool about it would you be?

Where To Begin?

2012-01-19T06:27:00.000-08:00

About 2 years ago, or whenever it was I stopped blogging, I made the crucial mistake of leaving my safe haven in the desert in an attempt to salvage my marriage with that fucking beaner, can't exactly remember what the hell I use to call him, but yeah that guy.

He had sex with a fat, ugly girl, by the way. I would say maybe she was a good person, but I've spoken to the bitch. Not only is she unattractive and taking up space in the world with her fatness, but I get the feeling she's mildly retarded. Also, you can't be that great of a person to knowingly sleep with a married man after the fact that you find out that he and his wife are reconciling.

Anyways, enough about those two. We ended up separating, yet again, and I returned to my safe haven in the desert.

In another turn of events, you may or may not recall someone who I use to refer as Titusville. He commented on a bunch on my postings. Long times friends with that fucker.

He's hot. I like seeing him naked. He does this thing with his tongue. It's called cunnilingus. He should teach classes professionally. He's THAT good. Anyways, I'm getting side tracked.

Titusville came out to Vegas, but not to see me, cause he's an ass.

Long story short, we started dating. Unfortunately for me, he doesn't have much experience in that department and so every little thing I do seems to piss him off and he tries to end shit.

Titusville, you should know by now, I'm like a bad case of herpes. You can't get rid of me.

And if you even think about starting up an Angry Boyfriend blog, I'll kill you. You have nothing to be angry about... Unless you want to count the time I smacked you in the car, in front of cops. That was YOUR fault. Own it.

Sometimes, Titusville says some really gay shit like, "Your eyes are like stars in the daylight". It's cute in a really gay way.

We're not puking rainbows and shitting unicorns and skittles. We have slight issues. You know, cause he got a penis. Which means he's a man and men are kinda slow.

Plus we have this whole long distance thing going on, which only complicates matters even further. Even though we technically have a place together. I wouldn't be me if things were simple. And complications only make things that much more interesting.

No One Likes Rebuplicans

2012-01-17T08:02:00.000-08:00

This is a little out of left field, but I was having a conversation with this crazy white bitch from Ohio. And we all know people from Ohio are fucking nuts. She's actually pretty cool when she's not trying to stab people.

Ohio, who is Republican, apparently came to the sudden realization that no one likes Republicans. Which is true.

For whatever reason, I came to the realization that it appears in some kind of unspoken law, that you can't be black and be a Republican, unless you're Condoleezza Rice, who black people don't consider black anyways. How did she make it so far in politics with a jacked up ass name like that?

It's like a fat person who starves themselves. That actually makes no sense. But I think that may have been my point. I mean, what fat person do you know that would willing starve themselves?

It's like this fat girl I know who's always complaining about being fat as she stuffs a 12 inch sub down her throat and complains 15 minutes later that she's still hungry and talks about how she's watching her weight by only eating 1 of the 2 12 inch subs she bought and downing it with a diet coke. See? No sense. Sleep deprivation is starting to get to me.

Die, Whore Bitch, Die

2012-01-12T20:01:00.004-08:00

There's not a lot of people that I hate in this world.

But there are certain people who just really get under my skin and I wish a painful death. I think they do it on purpose. Because they know... I can be a psycho bitch. They want to see how far they can push me before I blow up.

They obviously, have no clue... I'm not hard to set off...

Sleep well, you whore. I've got my eye on you. Fucking slut.

I'm sorry to be so vague, but I can't just throw everything out there at the moment. Give me some time, and we shall see what is to come.

Men Are Retarded

2012-01-08T16:45:00.003-08:00

It doesn't matter if they've love you for 12 years or have been infatuated with you for 12 seconds.

They are all the same. Sorry ladies, but I think our emotions would be kept safer if we all stuck to carpet munchin

FYI for all you men, anytime a woman does something drastic to their hair, it usually means that's you've really fucked up or they're going through a really bad break up.

Been M.I.A.

2012-01-03T23:14:00.003-08:00

Before you start to bitch me out, I am well aware that I have been M.I.A. for quite some time now. That's kinda my fault but not really. Let's just say shit a.k.a. life happens.

I could catch you all up, but no one cares about the details. Unless, it's all ugly. Which most of it is, truth be told.

Let's just say, I think I may possibly make a come back which really doesn't make any sense since I wasn't ever THAT popular to begin with. And yes, I'm still very much angry. Just not at the same person.

I'm famous in Japan, bitch!!! Well, not really, but I like to pretend I am. I'll work on my comeback tomorrow when I'm sober.

Oh, and... Happy New Years!!! What year are we in? 2012 or some shit... We're all gonna die... Yeah...

What the Fuck?!

2010-05-05T18:33:00.005-07:00

If there's one thing I love to do, it's reading the comments that you guys leave me about something I've posted.

However, it has come to my attention that some people have been posting bullshit like this:

Hello!
You may probably be very curious to know how one can manage to receive high yields on investments.
There is no initial capital needed.
You may begin to get income with a money that usually goes
on daily food, that's 20-100 dollars.
I have been participating in one project for several years,
and I'm ready to share my secrets at my blog.

Please visit blog and send me private message to get the info.

P.S. I make 1000-2000 per daily now.

I mean, seriously?

Who the fuck cares about what you're advertising. More importantly, why are you posting your random bullshit ads as a comment on my fucking blog?

To all you fucking spammers out there, I got one thing to say... FUCK OFF!

I don't want you junking up my comments with your random bullshit. No one gives a flying fuck. Lease of all, me.

Take your bullshit somewhere else, cause I'm just going to delete the crap anyways.

P.S. To anyone's who's interested... My birthday is right around the corner. I'll be turning 29 on May 23. Sooooo... Feel free to buy me something whether it's a gift of a couple shots of Patron while I'm out on the town, hehe. Just thought I'd put it out there.

I almost forgot... Even though I'm not Mexican... Happy Cinco de Mayo. This 6 pack of Corona's I'm guzzling down right now is for all of you (mostly myself, but sure, you guys too LMAO)

Guess Who's Back, Bitches?!

2010-04-21T10:49:00.003-07:00

It's been 3 months since my last post. Did you miss me?

Of course you did because I'm fuckin awesomely, awesome!

I've got a lot of updates but considering I'm at work right now, I'm going to have to update you later. Just wanted to let you all know that I'm still alive and bitting off the penis heads and/or clitoris' of dirty, cocksucking liars whore and sluts.

Happy Belated New Year

2010-01-20T22:10:00.004-08:00

Yeah, so this post is coming really late...

A lot of things have gone on since my last blog. I would update you, but I've decided to keep my personal life personal cause you never know who's out there reading.

A lot of things have changed... That's all I'm going to say about that...

I've spent enough time in this fucking desert to know that it's time to leave. It's beginning to do some fuck up shit to my mind. It's time to relocate. That's all I'm gonna say about that. You can come to your own assumption of where I'm heading next.

All that same... Happy New Years to all you fuckers!!!

You haven't seen the last of me, but it's time to leave the Angry Girlfriend shit behind and come up with a new and better persona... Don't worry, though... When I figure out where I'm going with this blogging thing, you'll be the first to know...

My Name Is Karma

2009-12-17T15:20:00.005-08:00

As my friends have been watching me fester in my anger and madness, the one thing that I've heard from them over and over is, "Don't worry. Karma can be a bitch. That asshole is gonna get what's coming to him".

Well, kids. It's time for an Angry Girlfriend reality check. Sometimes Karma needs a little kick in the ass.

I'm not gonna sit here and wait for some magical Karma to kick in years and years later when I'm no longer bitter.

I AM KARMA, BITCH!!!

Of course most of you are probably thinking that I've lost most of my sanity and am working on pure emotion.

But I assure you. I don't think I've ever seen things more clearly in my life.

It's obvious that I'm only angry because (dare I say it?)... *gulp* I cared... Thats the first and last time you wil ever see any weakness out of me.

I'm gonna stop there because if I keep going, you'll only realize how evil I really am.

I'm a saint and those horns poking out the top of my head are only there to support my halo.

I Hate You - Go Rot In A Ditch

2009-12-14T21:57:00.007-08:00

I've been known to be an angry irrational person in the past but now I'm all of the above and then some.

Its safe to say that I'm becoming an angry bitter bitch due to my failed marriage of only 11 months to that dumb ass that for whatever reason thought he'd waste my time marrying me even though he admits now that he knew it would never work because he never really liked me like that to begin with.

Yes, I said "liked" and not "loved" because I don't even think that cocksucker know whats it's like to love someone outside of his immediate family. Actually, I'm not sure he knows what love is outside of loving himself cause he's a pretty fucked up, selfish bastard. He might have more issues then me if you can believe that.

Anyways...

Frijolero, on your pursuit to find love with another women, I wish you the kinda pain you only feel when you're being forcibly sodomized by 5 men who are all at least 3Xs bigger then you in width.

I hope that whoever you find to fall in love with, if you haven't found her already, fucks all of your friends and relatives behind your back and gives you a new incurable STD that no ones even heard of yet.

I hope that your penis becomes so severely infected that the only solution to cure your infection is to amputate it.

I wish you many agonizing nights of a burning sensation in your anus and a mysterious rash that itches like hell on your testicles.

I tired to be good and civil but you just had to drag me through the mud. Did you really think I was going to remain nice and civil after you pulled that little stunt on me, you fucking cocksucker?

You should've left well enough alone the first time. You just had to keep pushing me and pushing me... and now I'm pushing right the fuck back.

See you in hell, shithole... Divorcing you is gonna be fun ;)

To everyone else out there, there maybe a time where you hear some really fucked up shit about me. Like some really fucked up shit I might "allegedly" do. I'll just warn you now... It may more then likely be true. But in my own defence, I wouldn't be acting out like such an asshole if I didn't care so in a way, that asshole should just take it as a compliment LOL.

P.S. To Fuck Face, I also wish you stomach pains much like labor pains for at least 12 hours and I hope you end up pushing something the size of a baseball through your pee hole.

Hold on tight people This is gonna be a turbulent ride... And I'm just getting started...

All I Want For Christmas Is... A Good Divorce Attorney

2009-12-08T07:59:00.003-08:00

I had stated earlier that Frijolero and I were in the process of reconciling. Well, that is no longer the case.

Two days ago, he stated that the marriage is over and that's pretty much all there is to that. Did I mention he was suppose to be coming out here for Christmas?

That's no longer the case either. After his unexpected news, I told him to take his airline ticket and go fuck himself with it.

I believe he may be seeing someone else. I'm guessing he hasn't fucked her yet, but that could change at any moment.

I hope your penis falls off from being infected with chlamydia and gonorrhea, you asshole!

So if anyone knows of a good divorce attorney, send me an email: angrygirlfriend@gmail.com

Secret Phone

2009-12-01T12:31:00.004-08:00

Can you keep a secret? No? Well neither can I.

I have a new secret phone that few people know about it. I got it so that Frijolero can't contact me on days that he pisses me off.

Do you think it's wrong that I got a secret phone so that my husband can't call me when I'm mad at him? No? Neither do I.

Did I mention that we're trying to work things out and get back together? Dysfunctional, I know.

I've only given out the phone number to a selected few people who I have deemed important enough to contact me when my primary phone is turned off.

I know that are a few of you out there that are reading this and are probably going to want to go tell Frijolero about my new secret phone, but I'm advising you not to do that because if you do... The little man in the window will break into your house and eat your face plus, I'll deny the whole thing.

He'll believe me because I'm poor and poor people don't have money to spend on secret phones.

So keep your mouth shut... It's our little secret, ok? Shhhhhhhh ;)

Yet Another New Job

2009-11-11T10:09:00.002-08:00

Despite being in hard economic times, I was able to find a new job. I am now working at a retail store in an Outlet Mall. I'm not going to give the name of the company, but let's just say, they're pretty up there and I'm not really sure how I got this job to begin with since I'm sooo much the opposite.

The downside to this job and that I had to dye my hair a normal shade color (no more pinks, blues, purples, or red), I have to cover my nose piercing with foundation (I absolutely refuse to take it out), and I have to wear my hair down and long sleeves to conceal any tattoos.

Like I said, the complete opposite of everything me. It's a pretty decent job though. Benefits, good pay, 30% off anything at any of their stores even though I still can't afford any of their stuff even with the discount.

Actually, I don't know anyone who could afford to shop there. Maybe like one person. My uncle... The one who owns the Lamborghini.

Yeah... Those are the kinda people who go shopping at this store. I am soooo out of my element.

But I'm just so happy to be getting a paycheck again, that I really just don't care.

And for some odd reason, people are allowed to bring their pampered little pets into the mall. I've never seen some many people go shopping with their dogs, but whatever.

Hope the dogs don't shit on their new $500 pair of shoes.

Quick Updates

2009-11-05T18:39:00.005-08:00

I really haven't been keeping you guys updated the way I should... I just been busy with... stuff, I guess you could say.

Here are a couple of updates:

The perfect turned out to be not so perfect after all. Even though I had told them from the jump that I was looking for full time work, they only scheduled me for literally 8 hours a week.

Not to mention that I was still in "training" getting paid training wages despite the fact that they had me teaching my own classes.

Then there was that little issue about my paycheck... I haven't seen one.

Needless to say I quit... They don't know that yet, but come Saturday morning when I don't show up, I think they'll get the picture.

So I been on the hunt for another job. Hopefully, I'll find something soon because I'm so broke it's really pretty sad.

Frijolero wants me to go back East, but I'm not a quitter. I'm having a hard time, I'm not gonna lie, but I ain't giving up without a fight.

And yes, you read that right. The same fucker who wanted me gone, now wants me to come back... Go figure. Men are fucking retarded. At least he is.

Oh, and Oscar is doing much better. She hasn't made it to a vet yet, but she will as soon as I can get a job... that actually pays me.

Thanks to getting my hands on a prescription of antibiotics and neosporin, the hole closed up and shes put most of her weight back on.

So yeah...

Oscar Lobster, Get Well Soon

2009-10-13T14:37:00.004-07:00

My loyal, faithful bitch of 11 years, Oscar is really sick. I discovered last night that she had a petty nasty infection, which really freaked me out.

Since we've only been out here 6 weeks, I haven't found her a new vet and because shes all up to date with her vaccinations, I really didn't feel like that was something that I would have to worry about anytime soon.

After discovering the infection, that all soon changed.

First thing this morning, I starting calling around different vet offices, but they always want to charge too much money and they don't offer any billing options. So here I am 1 week into my new jobs with no money coming in anytime soon and a dog that is really sick.

I did the only thing I could think of.... and called my mom.

My step-dad isn't a vet, but hes the next best thing... a doctor. So I rushed over my sick dog to their house this morning, and my step-dad has been trying to get the infection under control, so that Oscar wont die. Yeah, apparently it's that serious.

I'm hoping that my dog will be ok now that shes on medication and being closely monitored. We're not quite out of the woods just yet, so hopefully I'll have some good news in the upcoming days.

On a completely irrelevant subject, who the hell decided that a dog Snuggie was be a good idea, and what kinda dumb asses are planning on buying this completely useless product?

Anyways, here's to Oscar hoping that she makes a full on recovery and soon, because I love my little bitch.

Normal Oscar

Sick Oscar
GET WELL SOON, OSCAR!!!

New Job

2009-10-06T18:45:00.003-07:00

I have been bitchin for the longest time about my crappy job that I hated back on the East Coast. Naturally, since I'm not living on the East Coast anymore and no longer employed by my soon to be ex-mother-in-law, I've had to find a new job.

After applying for countless office positions, I realized not only did I not want another office job, but I really hate working in offices.

So, I applied for a job working as a... Swim Instructor!

For many of you, this may come as a surprise since you have no idea that I'm like a fish in the water.

I swam competitively for 10 years and worked as a life guard for 3 years and a pool operator for 2 years.

I got the job, and I'm currently in training. Just cause I swim like a fish doesn't mean I know how to teach others to swim like a fish, which is why they have training.

So far, all I can say is that I really, really, like this job... a lot.

It just doesn't feel like a real job. I get to go to work in a bathing suit, no one cares about tattoos or what color your hair is, and I'm swim around with kiddies teaching them how to swim while goofing off with them.

It's the best job ever!

I don't know what it is about Las Vegas, but it seems to be bringing out the best in me.

I love this place!

Bring Angry Girlfriend a Bag of Utz Potato Chips Project

2009-09-22T16:33:00.005-07:00

While grocery shopping the other day, I got the sudden urge to buy some potato chips. I went down to the potato chip aisle to go grab a bag of my favorite chips, Utz, and couldn't find them.

I was super annoyed, so I went home. I looked up Utz on Wikipedia and found out that Utz potato chips was only distributed on the East Coast between Maine and South Carolina.

Why I never noticed this while I was living in Miami is beyond me. Maybe it was because I was preoccupied with other things. I really don't know.

So now, I'm stuck with this craving and no way to buy the chips. That's actually a lie. I can order them straight off of their website.

The point is, I'm asking anyone and everyone who is planning to come out to Vegas to visit me, or maybe not visit me to bring me a bag of Utz potato chips.

Specifically the Salt & Vinegar, or any kind of ruffled chips made by Utz.

I'm calling this the Bring Angry Girlfriend a Bag of Utz Potato Chip Project.

If you in an area where Utz is distributed and want to send me a bag either through UPS or are planning to come to Vegas and want to deliver them to me personally, email me at angrygirlfriend@gmail.com.

Happy Anniversary, Fucker

2009-09-19T09:07:00.003-07:00

Today marks what would've been me and Frijolero's 1st year wedding anniversary.

Obviously, things have changed and instead of being in Atlantic City sexing it up like we had planned on doing a while back, we are now separated and I'm now living in Las Vegas, while he's on the other side of the country probably banging some bitch that may or may not be a paid professional.

Let's keep it real, Frijolero. We both know the first thing you did after I left was go to that fucking whore house, Fuego's, and probably had sex with one of those dirty sluts who have got be the ugliest strippers/whores on the face of the planet. You're probably oozing with chlamydia juice and herpes now. I hope your penis shrivels up and falls off. I mean that in the nicest way possible.

To commemorate this festive occasion, I've decided to post certain song lyrics that I would like to dedicate to my soon-to-be-ex-husband.

Actually, there's only one song that really just sums it all up. It's not even the whole song, just the ending.

Green Day said it best:

You're just a fuck
I can't explain it 'cause I think you suck
I'm taking pride
In telling you to fuck off and die

F.O.D. by Green Day

Thank you, Green Day for those beautiful lyrics. I don't think I could've worded it any better then that...

But I'm gonna try anyways. Here is something I wrote just for you:

You're deceitful and you lie
You're an asshole
Go fuckin die

You've evil and you're mean
You like your whores
Young, shaved and "clean"

If they end up giving you the clap
I wont be mad
Cause you deserve that

I fucking hate you, hate you, hate you
I fucking hate you, stupid prick
I fucking hate you, hate you, hate you
Why don't you fuck yourself, piece of shit

I'm not that angry so don't you fret
I look forward to your child support check

It's the only thing helping me through
Remembering all the wasted time I spent with you

Anyways, it's a work in progress, so it's kinda all over the place right now.

In case your wondering, NO there is absolutely no possibility of reconciliation. I naively believe there was at first, but he quickly shot down any possibility of that happening. It's okay though. I'm not Angry. Well, maybe a little.

I've been holding back a lot, so it was time for me to vent a little so I can move on. However, this will more then likely be the last time that you hear any mention of Frijolero because I'm not gonna dwell on the past and all that shoulda/coulda/woulda type shit. Besides, there's no real drama between us anyways and I'd like to keep it that way.

No drama = boring blogs.

It's time for me to grab my vagina and pick myself up on my 2 feet and move on. And honestly, it's probably for the best that we split up. He just had the balls to do something that I couldn't do, so all jokes aside, there are no hard feelings (and no the marriage didn't end cause of prostitutes, and I don't really hope he catches an std and his penis falls off. Ok, well maybe I do want his penis to fall off, LOL).

Beside, I'm single now, living in Las Vegas, and will more then likely end up with a woman living out here. There are a lot of hot bitches, but I haven't seen too many attractive guys. I could be wrong, but I guess we'll see.

I could literally go either way at this point.

The Return of Mr. Sparkles

2009-09-14T09:42:00.000-07:00

So here I was minding my own business, not looking to be an asshole or anything. Pretty much I've been on my best behavior.

I randomly got an IM from Mr. Sparkles who I haven't heard from in a long time. Quite frankly, I didn't give a shit anyways, but I guess he's missed me.

Some of you may remember Mr. Sparkles from way back, but in case you don't, you might wanna read these 2 blogs first:

Humiliate Me and Kick Me In the Balls

Fun With Mr. Sparkles: Part 1 (there was suppose to be a part 2, but I got caught up on other things so I never finished it, but I still might).

As a warning, I have to tell you that there is some nudity and its definitely not a work friendly posting.

Anyways, so here's what happened today:

[12:10] SubmissiveGuy: http://i152.photobucket.com/albums/s163/lookatfeet/Snapshot_20090901_4.jpg

[12:11] Evil BEE: well hey there Bitch
[12:11] Evil BEE: where the fuck ur little slutty ass been hiding
[12:11] SubmissiveGuy: been moving and trying to find a job
[12:11] Evil BEE: still broke are we? booo, i hate poor people
[12:12] SubmissiveGuy: i know =( next year when i turn 21 i get my trust fund 20k
[12:12] Evil BEE: when u turn 21? u mean ur little fat nasty ass is like 20?
[12:13] Evil BEE: ps 20 K aint shit
[12:13] SubmissiveGuy: yes
[12:13] Evil BEE: i didnt know u were such a young slutty whore
[12:13] SubmissiveGuy: yea
[12:14] Evil BEE: sooo do u have any other humiliating pictures for me?
[12:15] Evil BEE: u looks like a cow who ate flowers, threw it up and rolled around in it
[12:15] SubmissiveGuy: yes, are you posting the pics on the internet?
[12:15] Evil BEE: damn right i am
[12:16] SubmissiveGuy: do you want my photobucket password?
[12:16] Evil BEE: as a matter of fact yes, yes i do
[12:17] SubmissiveGuy: Username: lookatfeet password: love*******
[12:17] Evil BEE: loser
[12:17] Evil BEE: love******? what kinda corny shit is that?
[12:17] SubmissiveGuy: idk
[12:17] Evil BEE: ur a little bitch
[12:18] SubmissiveGuy: i know with a small little pee pee
[12:18] Evil BEE: we all know u have a small penis
[12:18] Evil BEE: its so sad and little
[12:18] Evil BEE: it kinda makes me angry
[12:19] SubmissiveGuy: im suprized you havent thought about cutting it off
[12:19] Evil BEE: i actually have
[12:20] Evil BEE: the only reason i've let u keep the little tiny pecker is cause its much ore fun to have u hurt urself repeatly then it is to have u cut it off suffer a while and then have nothing else to fuck around with later
[12:21] SubmissiveGuy: this is true
[12:21] SubmissiveGuy: did you log into my photobucket?
[12:21] Evil BEE: ur mistress is smarter then that dumb ass
[12:21] Evil BEE: yes i'm on it now.... ur fuckin tits are bigger then mine
[12:22] SubmissiveGuy: you wouldnt make me get real breast implants right?
[12:23] Evil BEE: and how the fuck would u afford breat implants when u cant even pay me for dealing with ur sorry ass?
[12:23] SubmissiveGuy: i was just asking
[12:23] Evil BEE: there are better thing u could spend ur money on then implants,,, Me for example
[12:24] SubmissiveGuy: i know that Mistress
[12:24] Evil BEE: i have to look at ur fat ass in mu-mus, jesus
[12:25] SubmissiveGuy: once i get my 20,000 im gonna spend every last cent of it on you
[12:25] Evil BEE: i know u will because I'm the greatest Mistress u could possibly ask for, and ur a little servant bitch boy
[12:26] SubmissiveGuy: where are u posting those pics?
[12:27] Evil BEE: none of ur fucking business where i post them, just know theyre being posted and people want to see more of u my little bitch
[12:27] Evil BEE: go run some water til it gets hot and dip ur penis in there
[12:28] SubmissiveGuy: yes mistress
[12:28] Evil BEE: hurry up bitch
[12:36] Message: SubmissiveGuy is offline

Well, I don't know why the hell Mr. Sparkles always runs off like that on me, but what I do know is that he has giving me access tons of humiliating pictures.

I mean, this shit is really, really, weird.

Obviously, he wants the shit posted so per Mr. Sparkles request, I'll go ahead and post a few more.

I should warn you... It gets kinda weird:

Ummm yeah... So there were a few more that I thought about posting but I think this may be more then most people can handle.

However, if anyone out there wants to see more of Mr. Sparkles (you never know), let me know and I'll post some more of his pictures for your entertainment/pleasure/whatever.

I don't judge...

Starting to Feel Like Home

2009-09-13T13:43:00.003-07:00

I havent had a shower curtain for the last 2 weeks, which has made shower time a pain in the ass cause I keep getting water all over the floors.

So today, I finally bought a shower curtain. Yey me!
(Ignore Oscar. For some odd reason, she just likes being in pictures).

I also got a little bit of furniture.
Notice the TV sitting on the floor? lol

Besides not having a TV stand and a couch, this place is starting to come together.

It ain't much, but it's mine!

It's starting to feel more like home already.

New Apartment

2009-09-04T18:27:00.006-07:00

So here I am sitting in my new apartment, with my "borrowed" internet. Whoever create Wi-Fi, I fucking love you!

I'm gonna turn my new apartment into a Bitch Pad. My theme color is going to be Menstrual Blood Red.

With the exception of the Boy Son's room, this whole place is going to scream Vagina Power.

I'm done with penis for a while because men are evil bastards. Maybe it's me and maybe it's them. All the same, I'm done for a good long while.

Luckily, I go both ways so while door is temporarily (or maybe no so temporarily) closes, the other has just swung wide open.

Once I get my shit together out here, we'll see what happens but I can only imagine. Never let a bitch of the leash cause I'm about to run wild.

I'm getting a little ahead of myself, but I'm trying to stay in positive mode. Being negative never gets anyone very far.

No point in dwelling on bullshit.

So, back to the apartment. I'm pretty much got just about everything I need, except for a TV which is a bitch cause the cable is included in the rent.

Who knows... Maybe I'll actually use craigslist for something useful this time around, like finding a TV, instead of my normal misdeeds. Maybe...

Big Changes

2009-08-29T17:59:00.006-07:00

I'm actually in the air flying to Las Vegas this very moment. Maybe I'm a little slow cause I didn't know they had Wi-Fi on planes.

I didn't realize how hard leaving was going to be until the Boy Son started crying that he didn't want leave Frijolero behind. It broke my heart when he kept screaming that he wanted to go home.

We had both sat down with him weeks ago and explained to him that me and him were going to be moving to Las Vegas and that Frijolero would be saying behind and he seemed fine with the whole thing, he was even somewhat excited... until today.

I guess the reality of it all hit the little guy and well, lets just say, I'm not exactly his favorite person at the moment.

I know that in time he'll adjust to the changes, but it still sucks.

Hopefully, he wont stay mad at me for too long, and as long as Frijolero keeps an active role in the Boy Sons life, I think he'll be ok.

Good-Bye, East Coast

2009-08-26T14:11:00.002-07:00

I haven't really told too many people that I'm leaving the east coast and heading out west to Sin City.

I don't think that I've even bothered to mentioned that me and Frijolero are separating, more then likely, for good. I would go into detail but there's really not much to tell. It was sudden and random, pretty much like everything else in our relationship. So there you have it.

I'm picking up the U-Haul today, packing it up, and sending Frijoleros cousin and his super hot girlfriend to drive my stuff and the dogs to the other side of the country.

I don't have a lot of stuff. Just boxes of clothes, the Boy Sons bed, the dogs, and my stripper pole. I'll be damned if some new hoochie slut rubs her vagina on my stripper pole. It took me 2 years to convince him to buy it for me in the first place!

So that's pretty much it.

I would've love to do the drive cross country again, but we can't all fit into the U-Haul truck, so I'll be flying out on Saturday.

Good-Bye, East Coast! I know I'll be back since we all know the East Coast has the best beaches *cough* Miami.

Well I guess I have to come back regardless since Frijolero does live here and Boy Son is obviously going to have to come back from time to time to visit.

So good-bye for now, but I'll be back....

Chinchilla Funeral

2009-08-25T09:58:00.003-07:00

As some of you may know, my chinchilla, Echo a.k.a Chinchilla a.k.a. Tila Tequila, passed away on Sunday, August 16, 2009.

It was a sudden death and we're not really sure why she died. I suspect that she died of a broken heart because Frijolero has decided to end our marriage and we're separating. (Consider this the official announcement).

Like any other loving pet owners, we had a funeral for her.

It was a real labor of love. It fucking took me like an hour to dig a whole big enough to fit the whole shoe box she was getting buried in.

I'm gonna miss that little fucker with all her soft fur and sharp little teeth and all the weird noises she use to make in the middle of the night.

I'll miss how I was always saving your ass from the so-called "friends" you had who were always threatening to skin you alive just to make a partial scarf or coat from your super soft fur. Oh wait... Those were my friends who did that.

All the same, I miss your little hairy butt. So sad...

Here's to you, my little bundle of fur.

In Loving Memory of Echo a.k.a., Chinchilla a.k.a., Tila Tequila

c. 2008 - August 16, 2009

My Job Sucks

2009-08-09T17:30:00.001-07:00

It's no secret that I hate my job. It's gotten so bad that I think I may actually, physically be allergic to working or at least, working where I'm currently working.

Sounds crazy, right?

But it's true...

Everyday, I go to work, and everyday, no more then 30 minutes after arriving, I start getting a headache which gets progressively worse throughout the day. Then there's this nauseating feeling that I get, which makes me feel like shit.

And everyday, as soon as I leave, I suddenly feel better again.

I should just quit... But then I'd have no money... And that would suck...

I've been doing some job searching because I really starting to feel stressed out. Everyday, I come in to work to face the Evil Troll who attempts to bark orders at me while I'll sit there and ignore her existence.

Not to mention the evil clients and their stupid lies and bullshit. You know damn well that I told you that you were going to have to pay $125 to have your house cleaned and not the $80 you keep trying to get away with. If you wanna bitch about the price then I suggest you stop fucking calling me to schedule you a fucking appointment, because I really don't give a fuck about you getting your damn house cleaned.

You're the asshole who decided that you were too fucking busy, or too fucking important to get your hands dirty to clean your own damn house. If you can't afford it, then I suggest you make the time or find some illegal who doesn't know any better.

It's a pretty fucked up thing when you have to take Benedryl everyday when you get to work. But it's the only thing that stops the headaches and the nausea.

My conclusion: Without a doubt, I'm allergic to my job. It's either the job or the Troll, either way, I really need to find a new job ASAP.

Preferably, in Las Vegas. And within in the month or 2. Anything before then is a also a huge plus. FUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK.

Non Drunk Friendly Products

2009-07-25T11:34:00.007-07:00

While I was in Vegas, I had several issues with certain items while I was drunk.

This inspired me to comply a list of Non Drunk Friendly Products.

Non Drunk Friendly Product #1:
Fergalicious Tennis Shoes by Fergie

Real cute to look at. Not so cute to walk in.

I had walked no more then 2 blocks down the strip when I started to feel the blisters forming on the bottom of my feet. I knew I was going to do something really fucked up to those shoes by the end of the night if I was completely inebriated, or even if I wasn't.

At some point, when I was super wasted, I threw the shoes in some bushes as I screamed in my drunken stated, "You suck! Go fuck yourself!".

My sister in her inebriated stated apparently retrieved the shoes with the intent to keep them, but then gave them back 3 days later.... I wonder why?

Final Verdict: This product is Non Drunk Friendly. Hell, it's not Sober Friendly. These shoes fucking HURT!

Non Drunk Friendly Product #2:
Palm Centro by Palm

It's a great phone while you're sober for the most part, but it takes a while to get use to it.

If you're a phone time user, you probably shouldn't try to use this phone while you're drunk.

While I was asleep (past out) on the floor in the bathroom at the Bellagio Hotel, my sister attempted to use my phone to call her husband who had disappeared in the casino.

The first problem she encountered was that she couldn't remember his number which has absolutely nothing to do with the phone itself. So she decided to call our mom. But she couldn't figure out how to get to the screen to dial numbers (there are several different ways).

Somehow, she accidentally calls Frijolero (of all people) who's back on the East Coast. It was 3:30 am Vegas time so back home it was 6:30 am.

She didn't realize that she had called him and was still dialing numbers when he answered the phone. Quickly figuring out that she was drunk, he hung up and called back. She answered with a sigh of relief, "Thank God you called cause I couldn't figure out how to call people on this damn phone", not realizing that she had actually called him first.

He didn't bother to tell her that she had actually called him first and hung up called our mom and eventually, we got out of there, but no thanks to the Palm Centro.

Final Verdict: The phone is User Friendly if you're sober, but even a familiar sober user would have issues using this phone while drunk. A first time user should never attempt to use this phone while inebriated.

Non Drunk Friendly Product #3:
Lighter by I don't know who the hell makes this damn lighter

Drunk people probably shouldn't be using lighters to begin with, but when you have pull the thing down to make it work its pretty much drunk proof.

At least, I had issues making it work while trying to light a cigarette, therefore making it Non Drunk Friendly.

I never did get the lighter to work and I never did get that cigarette which in retrospect was probably not a bad thing considering that cigarettes tend to push an already drunk person over the edge of drunkness.

Final Verdict: I have no issues with this lighter while I'm sober, most of the time. But once I'm drunk, it's definitely Non Drunk Friendly.

From here on out, I think I'm going to just keep tabs on products that are Non Drunk Friendly and post them as I come across them.

If any one has a story of a Non Drunk Friendly product, send me your story and I'll post it. Us drunk people gotta stick together, lol.

Send stories and pictures of the Non Drunk Friendly Product to angrygirlfriend@gmail.com

Cross Country: Colorado - Nevada

2009-07-18T10:21:00.014-07:00

Finally, the final part of the road trip from Colorado through Nevada.

Colorado:
(Not my picture, but I guess that's what happens when you let incompetent people take pictures for you while you're driving).

Took more pictures in Colorado then anywhere else that we drove through. The roads were all twisty turny and it took a while to get use to the altitude and driving up and down the mountains.

I guess you could say that it was very mountainy.

But I really wanted to stay there.

There was some part where it started to turn all deserty before crossing into Utah that we stopped to eat Chinese and it was fucking awesome!

Better then anything I've ever eaten back home. But then again, I live in a shithole... Or so I thought until I reached Utah, but I'll get to that in a minute.

Colorado was amazing and I'm definitely going to plan a trip to go back there.

Utah:
OMG, WHAT A SHITHOLE!

Nothing but endless miles and miles of deserty desert. No signs of life and endless possibilities to hide dead bodies.

Utah must be a serial killers utopia. Even the dumbest of killers could get away with the perfect murder in Utah.

I wouldn't be surprised if every single missing persons remains ended up in Utah. It's the one place no one would ever bother to look and even if they did they would never find a body.

Driving through I-70 West, no of us had any cell phone service for over 5 hours. Not to mention that we never even saw a cop car. Not one. And other then truck drivers, there were barely any other cars passing through.

No wonder those polygamists people got away with having sex with 14-year-olds for so long. There's no one out there to stop them.

Utah was absolutely miserable. I was so miserable that I wanted to either kill myself or kill other people, which led me to the conclusion that Utah breeds suicidal serial killers.

Nothing but hundreds of miles of this:
Just about every Interstate exit had no service stations and at one point there was a sign that stated that "No Service Station Next 100 Miles".

Just like that. No warning at the last service station or nothing.

100 miles later when there were suppose to be service stations you still had to drive 25 miles away from the Interstate just to get to it.

I did manage to come up with a fabulous idea about Utah.

What if, we moved the few people who do live in Utah and turned the whole state into a giant correctional facility for all the dangerous inmates, pedophiles, and rapist?

They could all ass fuck and kill each other and if they try to escape, it's ok because they'd probably die out in the desert before making it anywhere near civilization anyways.

Oh, and the people I encountered there were miserable assholes. Except for the one drunk at the gas station between the border of Colorado and Utah.

He was nice but admittedly stated that living in Utah was miserable and there's nothing to do but drink all day cause his life sucked.

That little skanky bitch that worked at the Wendy's was a complete bitch and rightfully so. After all, you do work at a Wendy's in the middle of the desert and you're ugly. That's 3 strikes. Boy must your life suck.

Arizona:
Arizona is very canyony. But we didn't drive through Arizona long enough for me to form an opinion about the state except for that it was canyony.

Nevada:
I was kind of pissed when I saw the State line sign blocking the Welcome sign. What dumb ass came up with that idea?

Anyways, my adventure out here is only beginning so there's not much to tell you thus far. But I can't promise to keep you all updated on everything I do.

You know the saying, "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas".

Cross Country: Illinois-Nebraska

2009-07-17T18:02:00.001-07:00

So I'm just getting around to updating everything that happened on my trip across the country.

So here are the highlights of my trip Illinois through Nebraska.

Illinois:

We pretty much drove straight through Illinois with nothing eventful happening.

Iowa:

I had a lot of mean things to say about Iowa, like how there was nothing but farm land and highways with no lights. It was very farmy.

There was a sign for a Rock Museum which I thought was pretty lame but if that's all they had to offer.

There was also a sign that proclaimed that the bridge of The Bridges of Madison Square County was located somewhere in the vicinity.

I was in shock and disbelief when we passed an Adult Super Store in the middle of a cornfield that stated it was open24/7 which I thought was both odd and creepy.

It left me thinking that the men of Iowa have nothing better to do then shoot the shit at sex stores while the women were all apparently adulterous whores.

However, before crossing the border from Iowa into Nebraska, we stopped at a McDonalds.

I had ordered the Boy Son a happy meal but he was upset that he didn't get the toy he wanted.

I was in absolute shock when the lady behind the registered asked him which toy he wanted and then went to go find it for him.

Something like that would've never happened back home because all the McDonalds employees are so disgruntled and angry that they work at McDonalds.

When we were leaving, I was in shock again as they offered us free bottle water for the dogs and even offered to give us a bowl to give it to them in.

Iowa may not have much to offer, but the people there are ridiculously nice.

Nebraska:

More farmy land for miles and miles. I was getting pretty sick of seeing endless cornfields and cows.

We passed a slaughter house which was full of fat cows just waiting to be killed and eaten.

They looked absolutely delicious and I actually contemplated pulling over and stealing a cow so I could kill it and eat it.

Cross Country: Pennsylvania-Indiana

2009-07-14T23:11:00.008-07:00

I decided that while I'm here in Denver, that I should take the time to catch anyone who's interested about the kinda things I've encountered so far on this cross country road trip. I'm only going to highlight the interesting points of each state of crossed.

Pennsylvania:

I saw real life Amish people doing Amish-people things. Didn't catch it on camera cause we passes by so quick but it was pretty cool all the same.

Ohio:
(Totally missed the welcome sign thanks to my MOM)

At a tool booth somewhere around the Cleavland area (I think), we passed some signs for hotels (Holiday Inn, Days Inn, you know... the normal ones).

However, since the road split in 2 ways and there was no sign as to which way to take, we asked the old white guy if he could direct us to the hotels.

He tells us, "Stay to the left". So we did.

But there was no sign of any hotels that were familiar to us. They we're only 3 "Serial Killer Inns". You know, the kind of motels that you see in the movies where unsuspecting victims take the word of a "kindly stranger" who they assume is trying to help them but in reality, they are really trying to set them up to be killed by some Serial Killer cause they're all in cahoots together...

Naturally, we got right back on the interstate, otherwise I wouldn't be here to blog about it.

Indiana:

Passed right by Gary, but we didn't exit off. No point.

I also had a strange encounter with a girl at a truck stop (non-sexual in case you were wondering). But that story is so out the blue that I'm gonna save that for it's own little blog.

Got a few more states that I've already crossed through, but I'm sleepy now and got to wake up to make the final leg of my journey. Can't wait to make it to Vegas.

Vegas, Here I Come!

2009-07-12T05:42:00.005-07:00

So, today's the big day.

My moms got all her shit packed in a Uhaul (well, most of it) and she's starting her journey to Las Vegas.

I'm still super pissed off about being an orphan, but she needs someone to help her drive cross country and she's willing pay my fair back to shit-land so why not take her up on a free trip to Las Vegas. Not to mention that she's offered to pay me for the days I'll miss from working.

Of course, I've decided to turn this opportunity into a little mini vacation, so I told Frijoleros mom that I would come back to work sometime in between 7-10 days. It's actually going to be more like 10-14 days, but they'll get over it.

He'll get over it, too. Did I mention that he's not coming along? You know the saying, "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas". Hehe.

We were to set off on this mega long road trip at 6 AM, but of course as always, my mom is running behind schedule, so now we're set to leave at 11 AM which is better for me cause I wasn't gonna wake up that fucking early any damn ways. I'm so glad I'm not hung over cause I had a little mini get together last night and, ummmmmmm, yea....

One of the good things about my mom leaving is that I got one of my 2 dogs that she's been holding hostage back.

This is Dakota:

At age 13 (she'll be 14 in October), she my oldest Jack Russell.

Jupiter Almighty, still remains hostage and will be moving to Vegas, which sucks because I really like that damn dog. She's just such a fucking asshole... but a really sweet asshole.

Frijolero better be good to my dogs while I'm gone or I'm so seriously gonna kick his ass when I get back. I'm leaving the house with 3 dogs and expect to come home to 3 dogs.

I hate cat people. They're so lame.

For all of you who'll be at work or doing something lame while I'm gone, I'll take a couple extra shots in your honor!

Viva Las Vegas, bitches!

The People I Meet: Part I

2009-07-07T09:03:00.004-07:00

This is a pretty long story, so I'm going to break it down into parts. Consider this part 1.

Here we go:

This past Saturday, I headed out to see fireworks with my family.

It was a nice day... Not too hot and not too cold.

Frijolero managed to piss me off almost immediately after we got there and so he went off to the park while I searched for a spot to set out the blanket so that when the firework show got started, we'd have a good view.

Not long after I had settled in, I was approached by a seemingly normal human being who complimented me on my purple hair.

She asked if she could join me so I figured, why not? I mean I thought she was normal.

Oh, how wrong I was...

It took me about 15 minutes to realize that this crazy bitch was on something... I initially assumed she was drunk but then realized that it could be alcohol.

That's when she offered to sell me some of her Valum. BINGO.

Of course, I declined because I don't take drugs from strangers.

So naturally, she did what any normal crazy person would do and said to me, "Fuck. I like you. I'm gonna give you some free Valum".

Just what I wanted. I pretended to take the pill to get the crack head to stop pestering me, but with a quick slide of hand, I actually put it under the blanket that I was sitting on.

Eventually, the family came back to join me. When she saw the Boy Son, she asked me if he was mine and I told her yeah.

To which she replied, "You're so lucky that you have your kids. Cause I don't have mine".

She told me some strange story about her first child living in Pennsylvania, but that she technically hadn't lost custody of her 2nd child. Her ex-husband had apparently taken the 2nd child and denied her from seeing him. I wonder why...

She then went on about how she had been sober from alcohol since October 2008 and no drugs either.

I wanted to laugh at that, but she's crazy so that probably wouldn't have been a good idea.

She must've forgotten about the Valum she had offered me 15 minutes earlier, or I guess maybe she doesn't count prescription drugs as real drugs.

She then asked me one of the weirdest questions anyone has ever asked me. She asked, "Hey. Are all your teeth real? Like are they all really your teeth?"

"Ummmmm. Yeah. At least, the last time I checked they were", I said to her.

She replied, "Oh. That's cool. I'm only 30 and I only have 4 teeth. All of my top teeth are fake".

She then pulled out her teeth to show me.

"Ummmmm, what happened to all your teeth?", I asked her.

"Oh, they all fell out cause I use to fall down a lot of stairs when I was drunk", she answered.

Yep. She was about as normal as they come.

What is it about me that attracts all these crazy people? Why do I meet all the crazies? Why me? Does this mean that I must be crazy, too?

Coming soon: The Crack Head and the Guatemalan.

The Cheap Lame Ass & His 2 Boxes of Expired Cereal

2009-06-22T13:34:00.013-07:00

It's probably not professional to do this, but since when have I cared?

Sooo, these last couple of days I've been dealing with this client who is not only petty but a pain in the ass, and apparently a liar on top of it all.

Long story short, he hires our cleaning company to come an clean his moms house, request that the cleaners throw away everything that looks useless or like trash, and when they do, he bitches about it and sends me pictures.

Why all the fuss, you ask?

Because the cleaners threw away a nasty, dirty shower curtain, a broken trash can, and 2 boxes of cereal that expired in 2006.

If you ask me, we did him a fucking favor.

This is the 1st email he sent me:

Here are pictures of stuff that was thrown away. I tried to use descriptive names. We need to have replaced:

* Shower Curtain
* small trash can (for the bathroom)
* two boxes of 20 oz. Honeycomb cereal (the two boxes had cereal in them, one was half empty, the other one was just about full)

Its unacceptable that they threw her stuff away like this.

This is really not good. My mother hasn't been able to take a shower because she has no shower curtain. Can someone go to her house today and put a shower curtain up for her, along with taking her a small trash can and 2 boxes of Honeycomb. She cannot sit in the tub because of her handicap. She has to sit on the chair and there is no way for her to shower because the water will splatter everywhere. Please let me know what you can do ASAP.

Email is the best communication with me during the day.

(I don't know. Maybe it's just me, but this shit all kinda looks like, ummmm, trash).

After reviewing the pictures, no one over here thought that we owed this guy a dime, but my mother-in-law offered to buy this guy a new shower curtain all the same. So I sent him this email:

Mr. M,

Although we cannot come out tonight to replace the shower curtain, as we are not in the area, we will certainly make the time to come out tomorrow.

As for the cereal boxes, it was explained to me by Maria that the 2 cereal boxes were thrown out due to their expiration date. They both had expiration dates in 2006.

We sincerely do apologize for our mistake in throwing out items that we mistook for trash. Our crew tried to use their better judgment in determining what should be thrown out and what should be kept.

As stated before, we will take her a new shower curtain and put it up for her tomorrow whenever it is most convenient for her.

Thank you for your patients and again, we apologize for any inconvenience that this matter has caused you and your mother.

I'm thinking after he realizes that we did him and his mom a favor by throwing out the cereal boxes, all would be well, and all we'd have to replace is the shower curtain, maybe the trash can, even though it was already broken, but that would be it.

I mean, if you zoom into the picture he sent of the cereal, you can see that it expired in 2006. How can we possibly be responsible for replacing old cereal? I mean the evidence is in his own picture.

But no... Apparently, he's a broke ass mother fucker he's more then likely single and destined to stay that way forever cause he's a fucking scrub.

So this is the email he sent back:

Considering all the stuff that was thrown out, I am not asking for a lot. Trash can come from a dollar store. They threw away her insulin needles. They threw away her clothes. I had to dig threw garbage to recover what I recovered. And I have ti clean all of that stuff before giving it back. All I am asking for is a shower curtain, small inexpensive trashcan and two boxes of cereal. I didn't see the expiration date. The bottom line is I was told numerous times that they would not throw anything away without asking. If they would had said " look at this date on this cereal, do you want me to throw it away?" then we wouldn't be talking about it. But, that didn't happen. What happened was I found the boxes of cereal with a bunch of other stuff that should never have been thrown away. So, I never tried to rationalized why they threw that away when it didn't make sense to throw the other stuff away. Like I said before, considering the circumstances, I am not asking for a lot.

There was a lot I wanted to say in response to this email, but of course didn't because things would've ended very ugly.

It's funny how he's suddenly forgotten that he was the one who instructed the cleaners to throw away everything that looked like trash.

You know what I think? I think you're a fucking looser and I bet your ugly and miserable. You should probably go kill yourself to take yourself out of your fucking misery because now you wont be able to eat 2 boxes of expired cereal. How unfortunate for you, you ugly, fat, bastard...

A day or 2 passed by and I didn't get back to this idiot right away cause I had more important shit to deal with then a shower curtain, a trash can and 2 expired cereal boxes. Not to mention that in his last email, he was trippin pretty hard about the cereal boxes that he never actually responded to when he wanted us to come back out to put up a new shower curtain for his mom.

That's when I got this email:

Its been three days since we discussed the missing items. As Maria knows, my mother is handicapped and limited as far as moving around. She can't compensate for not having a shower curtain like you or I can. She hasn't been able to take a shower since your workers threw the shower curtain away. I had to purchase her a shower curtain last night since you never responded to me. I will be emailing you a scanned copy of the receipt today when I get home. Let's please bring this matter to a close. If I haven't heard from you by Monday COB (which will make one week since the work was done), I will be contacting the Better Business Bureau as well as the Office Of Consumer Affairs. I will also seek legal action for the of the items thrown away. Now, is it truly worth having public marks against your business over a shower curtain, small trash can, and two boxes of cereal? I am really not asking for a lot.

I don't take threats very well. In fact, I'm more likely to act out of rage or anger then just bend over backwards to make the problem go away.

And even though it wouldn't cost a lot to shut his sorry broke ass up, he came about it the wrong way and I ain't nobodies bitch, fuck face, so you just really fucked up on this one.

Lucky for him, my mother-in-law was notified about this email and knowing what a little nasty temper I have, decided to call this guy and deal with him herself.

From what she told me, she put him in his place, told him that we were only going to replace the shower curtain, and to email me the receipt so that I could pass it along to her.

I was relived to hear that she had finally gotten through to that asshole.... That is until... This email arrived this morning:

I spoke with your mother-in-law. She said that she would like to schedule a time to come out and see me and discuss the items that were thrown away. She said that she would reimburse me for the items thrown away. I am hoping I understood her correctly because there was a little break down in communication. Anyway, I was trying to see if we could meet today. Today will not work. She said that they are only out in my mother’s area on Monday’s and Tuesdays. So, would like to see if we could set up a time on next Monday. If we do it on Monday, would like to set up a time that is before she starts her first job. Reason being, the last two times I set up appointments with her, she was very late. The first time she had to cancel. I work during the day time and I have to take time out to meet with her. The first time, I had to take 2 hours off from work, and the last time about 3.5 hours off from work. So, I figure if we can set up a time that is before her first job, then we can avoid that problem. Since she is not cleaning, her visit shouldn’t take long.

She asked me to send you a list of items I expect to be replaced. Here it is:

1. shower curtain (already purchased and you have a copy of the receipt)
2. small trash can (for the bathroom)
3. Two 20 oz boxes of Honeycomb. (understand what she was saying about the expiration date, but no one got our permission to throw them away. I cannot confirm the expiration dates because the dates were not pointed out to me before they were thrown away and I did not look at the dates when I retrieved them because I had no reason to at the time. But, because they were thrown away without our permission, they should be replaced)
4. Denture cup (my mother could not find it and I confirmed that it is missing.

5. She also could not find the box of Polident for Partials that was on the sink. I also confirmed that it was missing

That’s it. Please give me your earliest time available for next Monday. Once again, I need a time that she can stick to. It can be as early as she needs it to be. Thanks.

This means WAR, bitch.

First of all, you're cheap and/or broke.

Second of all, you know damn well that no one touched your moms denture cup or polident

Third of all, go look at the fucking pictures that YOU sent me so you can see for yourself that those boxes of cereal expired in 2006, so no we're not going to replace them.

Forth of all, how much you wanna bet, he's one of the losers who's responded to my ads on craigslist and probably kept responded after I said something completey outrages?

And last, but not least, I'm not responding to anymore of your bullshit emails, cause it's time to get this over with.

I left that stupid bitch a voicemail shortly after I received this email, and I don't care how shit comes out. This stupid fuck is about to get ripped a new asshole.

I'll let you know how it goes...

New Employee

2009-06-19T08:45:00.009-07:00

So apparently, sometime this week, we got a new employee.

He don't do shit, but lay around the desk all day, eat, shit, and sleep.

Meet O.C., short for Office Cat:

Not to be confused with O.C., short for Orange Cat:

I'm not really sure where this new cat came from, but he kinda smells bad and I get the feeling that he may possible be infested with ticks or other disgusting parasites like "Dakaren" (I totally made that up and I'll explain it to you one of these days).

All I know about O.C. (Office Cat), is that up until he moved into the office, he was homeless. He eats like a greedy little whore bastard and I'm almost positive that his mom has no idea who her baby daddy is and is more then likely pregnant with her 7th litter of bastard baby cats.

Then again, it's also likely that she could be be roadkill at this point. Who knows?

The other O.C. (Orange Cat), may or may not be infected as well and we know for a fact that his mom was a whore, but he's never been homeless and he occasionally sees a vet.

So there you have it. Office Cat.

He smells terrible, doesn't do shit but sleep, he's infested with parasites and his mom is a whore who may or may not be decaying in the middle of a highway somewhere. How exactly is this suppose to bring up office morale?

Ummm, yeah... Ok...

All Alone

2009-06-11T09:26:00.004-07:00

Recently, my mom broke me with the news that she was moving.

At first, I was like, "Yeah. OK. Sure. Whatever".... That is, until she told me where she was moving to.

Apparently, she's decided to move across the country to join my sister out in Las Vegas.

My mother is abandoning me and I'm going to be an orphan.

Yes, I do realize that I'm 28-years-old and that by now I should be able to fend for myself, not to mention that I'm a little too old to be classified an orphan and I do have a family of my own now, but that's not the point!

It was hard enough when my sister left me, plus it was really irritating when I realized that my mom was slowly weaning me off her financial support.

She kinda was paying my cell phone bill up until 2 years ago, plus I had access to her ATM card for 2 of her account, just in case (now I only have access to 1), and up until 2 weeks ago she was paying my car insurance.

Not only is she cutting me off, but now she's leaving me and I'll be here all alone... with a husband, a 3-year-old, 2 dogs, a cat, a turtle and a chinchilla. ALONE.

Let's face it, Frijolero is just plain evil and the odds are we'll only get divorced anyways, so I should just pack my shit and relocate to Vegas and live with my mom so that she'll never leave me again.

Unfortunately, we're kinda not speaking since I kinda had a mini temper tantrum when she told me she was leaving in July (Come on, now. She could've at least better prep me).

So I've kinda temporarily disowned her for so selfishly not considering my feelings about being abandoned and being left an orphan.

Who the hell is gonna take care of me now? I'm all ALONE!!!

Fuck, this is sooo depressing... I need a drink... :(

Pulled Over... Again...

2009-05-31T07:14:00.003-07:00

Driving around with suspended tags, I was bound to get pulled over eventually.

Supposedly, for failure to make a complete stop at a stop sign *Cough*bullshit...

But...

Ha ha, I just got new tags last week and I'm not longer driving dirty. Take that you evil cop bastard.

He gave me a warning and I went on my way feeling both annoyed and relief.

If that shit would've happened last week, there might have been a slight problem. Just a little one.

Luckily, it wasn't though so who cares?

My Favorite Part...

2009-05-29T09:15:00.006-07:00

Well, we all I know that I've been Addicted to the spanish novela Sin Senos No Hay Paraiso.

Almost a year into it, the drama still continues, and I've pretty much kinda forgotten where it all even began since the story plot has taken so many twists and turns.

However, there is one scene that I just cannot get out of my head. Mostly because my favorite character, Yessica, aka, La Diabla is in it.

I mean, this chic is so super hot and sexy, not to mention a bad ass. She turns me on more then anyone else on that show its ridiculous.

Remember my super cute, waterproof, purple vibrator?

Yeah, that one...

Well let's just say I broke it in with thoughts on her and this scene:

Hangover Free Birthday

2009-05-25T13:54:00.006-07:00

I just love it when things go my way.

So... This is what finally happened on my birthday weekend:

Friday - I went with my girl and got that mani-pedi that I've been dying to get. As an added bonus, I got mu eyebrows waxed so they looked super hot.

We then did some "drunk shopping". Yep, that's right. We bought a bottle of Pinnacle vodka, mixed it with some redbull and put it in a water bottle, and referred to it as "apple juice" while we were out shopping.

Normally, I hate going to malls, but shopping when you're drunk is awesome!

It was like an adventure. I got to see a hot girl naked in the dressing room, I crawled from one dressing room to another dressing room topless, and warned this poor pregnant girl about how much her vagina is gonna hurt when she pushes out that baby.

Then we went to Ruby Tuesday to grab some dinner and get more drunk because apparently we weren't drunk enough yet.

We hit on the gay bar tender, and took candy from a stranger who made roses for us out of napkins.

I had intended to go to the strip club later that night and yet, somehow I never made it, which made me sad.

I woke up on Saturday with NO HANGOVER! :0)

Saturday - Still unsure of what I was going to do later in the night, I decided to go sex toy shopping.

I bought the cutest little vibrator, A copy of Penthouse Forum, and a tattoo magazine. I figured if nothing else happens, at least I could go fuck myself.

We ended up getting all pretty and headed out to a club. People always go out of there way to do nice things for me on my birthday, even if I don't know them. I don't know why. I guess I'm just that special.

Why is that relevant you ask? Because there were people that we didn't know standing behind us in the line at the club and they offered to pay half to get us a table that they didn't even intend on staying at.

Of course, we accepted the offer and partied our asses of with these random people who turned out to be really cool.

Drank a lot of vodka and tequila.

I woke up on Sunday with NO HANGOVER! :0)

Sunday - Did the whole grilling thing and of course more vodka!

At some point in the night, the guys all decide to leave the girls and head to the strip club, which was fine by me cause I like being alone with drunk and vulnerable women.

I think they had a good time... That it until they came back and saw me and my friend sitting on the couch, me with my super cute new vibrator in hand and in a kinda sorta compromising position.

Yeah, that one.

I swear nothing happened, but of course I don't blame them for not believing me.

But I swear, it wasn't what it looked like. I mean I wish I could say that I was guilty, but this time I'm really not. Boooooo.

I woke up this morning hangover free. YEY!

I partied like a rockstar and now I need to sleep. I rock!

Oh, and in case you were wondering, Frijolero did finally register the car on Friday. Yey! He finally did something right for a change!

My Left Eyeball

2009-05-22T09:08:00.003-07:00

Some of you who don't follow me on Twitter may have missed this pic that I posted earlier, so I'm posting it here for you all to see.

It's a pic of my left eyeball.

You know how much I talk about squirting things specifically into my left eyeball when I do those weird ass craigslist responses.

So I thought some of you might be curious as to what my left eyeball actually looks like. Not that anyone has asked or anything cause that would be kinda weird.

Ladies and gentleman, I'd like to present to you... My Left Eyeball:

It looks pretty much like a normal eyeball don't it...

Yeah, so there you have it. My Left Eyeball.

Special thank you goes out to My Left Eyeball for taking its time out it's busy schedule to pose for this photo shoot.

Also to My Right Eyeball who compliments and completes My Left Eyeball.

Thank you both for 20/20 vision.

Frijolero: The Evil Bastard

2009-05-21T17:18:00.007-07:00

So we all know that I have big birthday plans for this coming weekend. Well maybe not BIG, but it's in the works.

For over 2 months, I've been drilling Frijolero to make sure he took off Friday.

I mean I have really made every attempt to make sure that I have really drilled it into that little evil bastards head that I wanted him to not work on Friday.

I didn't have an exact plan on what we were going to do, but all the same, he needed to be off on Friday, May 22, 2009.

I don't know how much more clear I could've made this.

I thought I had actually gotten through to the fucking asshole since he had told me that he had gone ahead and gotten the day off, especially because he knew how important it was for him to go to the DMV to register my car, especially because this is my birthday weekend and we would definitely need a car with legal tags.

My tags are suspended yet again and instead of removing the tint (which is only part of the reason why my tags are suspended...), he figured, YES HE AND NOT ME, suggested that we just register the car under his name and then all my little problems would go away. But that's another story for another day.

The point is that it was crucial for him to take the day off for this to get done as it would effect the rest of my weekend. My birthday weekend.

Today, about 3 hours ago, to be exact, I get the news that that fucking jackass has once again screwed me.

He's not taking the day off and I'm not going to have my car registered which means I have no car to go and do all the fantastic and wonderful things that I haven't quite planned yet, but that's not the fucking point.

In a moment of hope, I had figured that all had not been lost and I could rent a car for the weekend. That is, until I called up like 20 different car rental places and they were all out of cars because it's Memorial Day weekend... (The economy can't be that fucking bad..)

That fucking beaner has fucked me yet again.

He has fucked many of my plans in the past.

Once, when I was pregnant, a friend of mine had suggested that we do a couples trip and go to the beach. Her and her man, and me and that evil bastard, Frijolero.

Frijolero had agreed to the plans and I went ahead and booked the hotel. Two days before our trip, he cancelled the reservation. Why? Cause he's an asshole.

Mind you, I was fucking pregnant. I only acted like it was the end of the world cause in my delicate state, it sure as hell did feel like it was.

Two years ago, the same friend suggest another attempt at a trip to the beach. Once again we go ahead and make the reservations. I was sure there was no way in hell he'd screw me again, but sure enough, day before the trip, that fucking jackass of a beaner fucks me again, canceling the trip and that time, I lost the money from the reservation.

You starting to see a pattern here?

So what is the lesson learned here?

You can't trust a fucking beaner!

Ok, maybe that's a little unfair to say...

But I'm definitely gonna fuck his ass over when it's his birthday... Oh wait... I already have plans... It's Angry Girlfriend Day on October 15th.

I'm gonna be getting drunk and throwing darts at pictures of fucking face!

Take that, asshole!!!

And by the way, I'm not fucking negative... You're just a jackass!!!

Birthday Plans

2009-05-18T09:19:00.009-07:00

With my birthday just a few days away, I have yet to plan out anything, which is rare for me because everyone who knows me knows that I treat my birthday as it was a national holiday.

The celebration has never been any less then 4 days long and before I had the Boy Son, my birthday use to run for 2 whole weeks. Of course, I wasn't working at the time and I could always find some poor idiot who would be more then willing to foot the bill for me and my friends to party that long.

For some reason, I just cant seem to get my thoughts together long enough to figure out what the hell I'm going to do to celebrate.

I took off time from work to party and yet, I have no plans.

I have figured out this much:

Friday - I have to hit up the strip club. Why? Because I like watching naked girls dancing erotically around a pole.

It's hot and it turns me on.

Saturday (my birthday) - Now this is where things get a little sketchy. I'm not a big club person because I don't spending a lot of money getting drunk. I'd much rather go shoot pool or go to a house party, or even stay home and getting drunk for cheap.

I did get invited to another birthday party at a club, but I'm so vain, I don't like to share the spotlight so that's definitely not going to work.

Sunday - Another sketchy day. I could either be recovering from a massive hangover from the night before if I can manage to get my shit together or I could have a cookout because I didn't get wasted.

Monday - Yet another sketchy day. Either recovering from Sundays hangover or I could have the cookout. I should probably go to the pool sometime during the weekend assuming its warm and doesn't rain.

Now if I have a cookout on Monday, that means I'd be hungover on Tuesday and I don't know if that's really gonna work for me.

So you see the little dilemma I've got going on here. Not only am I indecisive, but everything really weighs on whether or not I'm hungover the day before.

It's very complicated.

If anyone has any advice or ideas or even wants to come and hang out, I'm willing to hear you out.

Send me your ideas to: angrygirlfriend@gmail.com.

Penis, Vagina...

There was really unnecessary, but I really just needed to get it out....

Broccoli mixed with rotting egg, smelling flatulence passing through the rectum...

Ok, I'm done now...

Got Pole?

2009-05-14T13:41:00.005-07:00

So while other moms asked for jewelry from their spouses or crappy ass homemade gifts from their children, I had something very different in mind that I wanted for Mother's Day.

All I really wanted was a stripper pole. That's not asking for too much, is it?

Can you believe that I actually got it?

I was surprised, too...

So now, sitting in the middle of my living room (how appropriate) is a big, shiny, brass, stripper pole and I couldn't be any happier.

I don't know how in the world Frijolero ever agreed to get me a stripper pole considering how, ummm, friendly I get with my girlfriends, especially while under the influence of alcohol.

This is guaranteed to get me in a lot of trouble, but I'm gonna have a lot of fun doing it... hehe...

To All the Special Moms I Know

2009-05-07T08:25:00.005-07:00

With Mother's Day only a few days away, I thought I would take the time to throw into the spot light some of the most important mothers in my life:

My Cousin E and her wife J:
You guys are so cute and you're kick ass moms. I love to party with you guys cause you always keep shit so entertaining, especially when you pick on Frijolero and give him random nicknames (which actually end up sticking *cough* Billiard).

He's such a pain in my ass, but obviously, I'm not the only one who feels that way, and you guys make me feel sane for feeling that he's a dingle berry hanging relentlessly from my asshole hairs.

My Cousin Ciara:
You're real life is much more interesting then the L Word. You've got more lesbian and hetero drama then anyone I know.

You're baby has already had 2 step Mommy's and she hasn't even been born yet. (How do you keep getting pregnant if you're a lesbian?).

We've been partners in crime since forever. Like the time we both got jobs working at the strip club. Lots of free booze and drugs. Good times...

My Sister "Sprite":
This bitch has taught me that not all fat people are happy and jolly. In fact, some fat people are mean and bitchy because they're angry that they're fat.

When I'm on the verge of a psychotic break and all I want to do it go strangle certain people, then stuff them into the back of my trunk, she has been the voice of reason with advice like, "Don't do it... Unless you're positive that you can get away with it" or "It's okay to kill people if they're ugly because ugly people make me sad".

My Grandmother:
This lovely woman has always been so open about her sex life. In fact, on a visit to Miami with Frijolero, she let us borrow her place.

When I called her to let her know we had made it there ok, she had this to tell me, "If you guys want to watch some porn, I keep it in the top drawer of my nightstand".

Thanks Grandma, but you forgot to mentions that your dildos and other sex toys were in the 2nd drawer of your nightstand.

My Aunt:
Even though shes not a mother (she hates kids and because of her, I learned how to use the F-word in like 50 ways by the time I was 7), she still played a very pivotal role.

If there was one thing I could be certain about, it was that I would always find some pretty interesting things in her room. From gay porn, to handcuffs on the bed, chocolate penis', and condom lollipops.

When I had expressed my interest to her in woman, she was the one to buy me my first strap-on with this advice: "You might not need it, but it might make things more interesting. Let me know how it went".

My Other Aunt:
Honestly, she's kinda boring. Never been promiscuous, or adventurous. She's actually pretty lame.

She's the one who freaked out when my kid said the word "penis". Enough said...

Last but not least, My Mom:
I could've sworn she use to be cooler. Now she spends most of her time trying to censor me or bitchin me out for getting yet another tattoo.

She makes a lot of sexual references when she thinks that no one will catch on (which of course, I always do), then gets mad at me for calling her out because I'm a perv.

Oh mom, you probably had no idea when I came out of your vagina what you were really in for. I'm exactly like you but worse. Actually, I'm more like my grandmother, then I am like you, so that's a relief... For me... Not you...

And by the way, I totally heard you when you called me a bitch under your breath that day. Takes one to know one. You ain't that slick, woman. He he he.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom!

And to all the other mothers out there, hope you all have a Happy Mother's Day!

Cinco de Mayo

2009-05-06T08:10:00.003-07:00

This year for Cinco de Mayo, my original plan was to go out to happy hour so I could make fun of all the people there who buy Margaritas and think to themselves, "Look at me! I'm so down with the Mexican people cause I'm like sitting here drinking a Mexican drink on a Mexican holiday in a Mexican restaurant and I got Mexican workers working on my yard and building me a deck".

But I didn't go out. Instead, I stayed home, had a buddy come over and we drank a 24 of Corona so we could feel down with the Mexicans, too (well, technically, my friend doesn't have to try to be down with the Mexicans since shes half Mexican).

We drank more for a lot less and talked a lot of shit about the people who were out at Don Pablos, Chevy's or any of those other "Mexican" restaurants that really aren't that Mexican at all.

I think we all know what Cinco de Mayo is really all about... It's another bullshit holiday that gives us an excuse to get randomly drunk. Kinda like St. Patricks Day only instead of little green midgets there a big ass hat that you throw on the floor and dance around it while singing "La Cucaracha".

I'm not really sure if anything I just typed really even makes sense since I'm still recovering from what ever the hell that little Mexican lesbiana did to me, but yea... Good times...

Did you know that Asians install house alarms? Yeah, I know... It's weird right?

This little Asian guy is actually kinda funny. He kinda reminds me of an Asian Carlos Mencia, only like Asian and works for Brinks Security.

And he didn't get offended when I made a comment about him eating the cat (which he claimed he was allergic to... Yeah, right... I'm sure he wants all his client with cats to think that he's allergic so that we'd be fooled when the cats ends up missing... Clever little Asian...)

Yea so ummm... yeah

Commercials That Make Me Angry

2009-04-28T18:16:00.005-07:00

I was watching TV the other day when a commercial for Long John Silvers came on. It had something to do with some new popcorn lobster things and they looked pretty good.

In the mist of craving this popcorn lobster balls, I realized, "Wait... I don't even know where a Long John Silvers is. I don't think I've even seen one... ever".

So I Googled Long John Silvers locations and sure enough, there wasn't a Long John Silvers around in a 20 mile radius of where I live.

I thought that was kinda strange since the commercial comes on a lot.

But then a commercial for Sonics came on, and I realized the same thing.

I've been dying to go to a Sonics forever, but apparently there aren't any around here. The nearest Sonics is a little over 50 miles away! Like seriously?

How the fuck is that helping me?

I don't know if this is something that only happens in my area or if this is a nationwide problem.

Commercials being played for places you've never seen anywhere near your area.

It's really fucked up... They get you all worked up and hungry and then it hits you, "I've never even seen a Sonics in real life".

Why are these food chains advertising in places that they don't even have locations in?

They all taught you with their fatty, greasy foods and delicious looking milkshakes and then they show you a commercial of people who are really happy to be scarfing the shit down and then it's like, "Ha ha, bitch. We're not even in you area".

Well you wanna know what Long John Silvers and Sonics?

You guys can go fuck yourselves.

That's right, I said it!

Go fuck yourselves with your fat greasy cheeseburgers and popcorn lobster balls, assholes! Cause guess what? I don't need you guys around to make me fat.

I got McDonald's, Wendy's, Burger King, and Taco Bell to do that for me.

Taunting me like a clean smelling prostitute in an ally that only slightly smells like urine. You should be ashamed.

I hope you guys get fat grease and lobster testicles squirted in your eyeball.

Either get some locations in my area or stop playing those fucking commercials, penis brain.

Welcome Back Lithium

2009-04-25T13:33:00.006-07:00

After being in hibernation for the past 6 months, my pet turtle, Lithium, has finally woken up, which is great cause I was a little scared that she might have died on me.

I was actually on the verge of going out and looking for a new turtle to replace her in case she didn't wake up just because I didn't want Frijolero to be like, "Ha, ha. Told you she wasn't going to wake up".

Luckily it all worked out in my favor and I got to rub it in his face, "Ha, ha. Told you I didn't kill her, you bastard".

My knowledge on box turtles is only what I've read on Wikipedia and I'm pretty sure that the article I had read had stated that they only hibernate for approximately 4 months. At least that's what I could've sworn that I read. I could be wrong though.

Maybe it was 6 months. Who knows?

At least she's alive and I don't have turtle blood on my hands.

Congratulations to you, Lithium, for surviving through the cruel winter and not freezing to death due to the negligence of, ummm, Frijolero... Bastard.

Fun on Craigslist: Who Wants to Be My Boy Toy? Part II

2009-04-24T16:24:00.001-07:00

After 3 long weeks, here is the 2nd installment of Who Wants to be My Boy Toy?:

Who wants to be my boy toy? - w4m - 45 (Philly)

Reply to: mailto:pers-1051638155@craigslist.org?subject=Who%20wants%20be%20my%20boy%20toy%3f%20-%20w4m%20-%2045%20%28Philly%29 ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}
Date: 2009-02-26, 1:51PM EST

I am an older woman who is in much need of a young man to satisfy my sexual desires.

I'm looking for men between the age of 20-30 and with an open mind for a good romp in the sheets.

I am an older attractive white woman. 45 years old. This is the first time I've ever done anything like this, so please bear with me. xoxo

Location: Philly

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Victim #1:
Hey I saw your ad on craigslist and I am interested in hooking up
I am 23 y/o, 5'7", I have black hair, dark brown eyes, slender build with abs, and an average length, really thick girth, cut cock. I am drug and disease free. I am clean, safe, and sane. I can cum multiple times and I do have stamina (in and out of bed), and I love to try new things. I do have a slightly dominant side. I would love to meet and enjoy you asap.
I can come to you or we can do car dates and we MUST BE DISCREET.
I live in NE Philly.

I would love to give you that thick hard cock. I would love to pleasure you every day and every night and make sure that you are sexually satisfied and fulfilled.

My Reply:
Oh My...

You sound quite thrilling...

Discretion is definitely a BIG thing for me as I am still married to that old, impotenet, wrinkled, moron.

I swear, if the old bastard wasn't so loaded, I would've left his sorry herpes infested ass years ago.

It's been about 3 years since I've had my hairy, dry pussy stuffed by a large and swollen egg roll, so I am definitely ready. You're "slightly dominant side" may be a bit of a problem though.

There can only be one bitch in this game dear, and I'm afraid that that's going to have to be your role, not mine.

His Reply: at is fine I will not be dominant and I will fuck you the way you want to be fucked and I will make you cum hard by eating you out

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Victim #2:
What's up? I'm 23, good looking and in great shape and have always fantasized about being an older woman's boy toy to be used how she pleases. I'm clean, d/d free, relaxed and respectful, and am very open minded. Let me know if you are interested!

My Reply:
Honey, if I wanted a respectful man, I'd fuck my husband.

I'm interested in young wild buck who will fuck me silly and help me clear out the old bat cave of cobwebs.
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Victim #3:
20. Kid dynamite. I have a heart for older women.

My Reply:
You are absolutely adorable... Are you into role playing by any chance?

After all, I am old enough to be your mommy... Someones been a bad boy... You need a spanking... You naughty, naughty child...

With your naughty, naughty, sexual desires... I'm going to spank you really nice and hard.

Then I'm going to make you suck on my battered and beaten clitoral lips. I want to grab you hard penile shaft and ram it into the back of my throat. Then I'll let you get behind my dusty old cook and ram that cock in there like a brand new jack hammer.

Hope you don't mind the smell of moth balls as it has been quite a while since I've put the ol' gal to use. She's like a retired pony on its last leg before it gets shot. But I still got it, and I'm gonna give it to you good.

Don't be frightened by the mouse trap thats been set into my vagina. Its been set up there to collect semen.

His Reply:
I'm naughty but bite back.

Pics and details. I'm always bad

My Reply:
oh no sweety, there is no biting mommy.... Or mommy is going to have to bite you itty bitty testicles as punishment.
I'm going to tie you up, naughty boy, and pour honey all over you...

You like that huh?
Then I'm going to put ice cream sparkles all over your body and let the dog come and lick it all off of you.

MMMMM, dont you want to be a naughty boy for mommy?

His Reply:
bite my testicles as punishment, cover them in honey and bite down hard.

I'll be a naughty boy for mommy. Just name a time and place
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Victim #4:
hey there,

saw your posting on craigslist. 30/s/w/m here from the philadelphia surburbs. love older woman, and very eager to please. would love to romp those sheets with you.

get back to me if interested, i have pics to share ;) hope to hear from you

My Reply:
mmm you want to romp in the sheets with me...

you are gonna love the this old nasty cunt brings you penile ecstasy.

its been so long since since my menstruating cunt has had its fill. hope u don't mind the blood or the smell but I'm soon to be reaching menopause and I want to enjoy every menstrual cycle till my eggs all dry up.

when are u available to meet up?

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Vitctim #5:
U In Luck I'm Looking to be a boy toy call my phonne if u like wat u c

My Reply:
I've never had black penis before... my husband would kill me if he ever woke up from his coma. he told me many times in the past that he could forgive me for infidelity as long as it wasn't with a negro (excuse the term but he's really old and it's probably safe to assume that he is racist.)

Personally, I think that his insecurities stem from that ever long rumor that black men have bigger penile members (my husband is only about 5inches on his best days)

I think that a young buck like you could possibly be exactly what this ol' gal needs to climax and get some of those old cockroaches out of the old bat cave. You could be my young stallion and I could be your master. I could tie you up and whip you until you became tamed and called me your Master.

I'd like to spoil you and have you do things to me that no men has ever done before. I've always had a fetish for sticking foreign objects into my vaginal cake but as of yet, I've found no one else to share that hobby with me.

I know that sex is a lot different now then when I was younger in terms of people being more open to try new things, so I'd love to do a lot of new experimental things with you. I've considered asphyxiation, too. What do you think?

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Victim #6:
I attached my pic if you like hit me back with yours....I've never done this either but its an incredible fantasy of mine.....we could have alot of fun......I love using my tongue....

Eric

My Reply:
No one even said that I've never done this before... In fact, I do it all the time. This is the rave of the century. My son is about your age. It was he who suggested that I start looking for new sexual partners on the internet, now that my husband is in a coma.

I once had this pleasant little Vietnamese boy who was perhaps just barely 19-years-old. He lived and shared my bed for almost a month until he discovered my husband bedroom and saw him lying there on his respirator. (This was before the coma).

Ohhh how I miss my little Phuc.... Anyways, enough about that

Tell me about yourself... What kind of things are you into?

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Victim #7:
I would love to be your boy toy. 36 yeord man. I am married and need more I do not need to change my life I want to feel in gaps that have become emptied. I am very oral by the way, if you know what I mean. ;) This is the first time i am reading this so i can understand you.

Best Wishes
VK

My Reply:
i am also married to an older and useless bag of worthless, impotent man. just looking at him naked makes me want to hurl. hes is quite unattractive though his bank statement is quite lovely. and hes got more decaying flesh rotting off of his stench filled body then the crypt keeper.

I suck his impotent dick once a month just because I hope that eventually one of those times he'll die from a heart attack. Enough about him. I havent had sex in my old saggy vagina in quite some time so I'm looking forward to some nicer penis with out all the elephant wrinkles... could you be that one to satisfy me?

His Reply:
I can see your dilemma. I would love to be the one to satisfy you if you give me a chance. As I said before I am so very oral. I would love to make you cum with my tongue. You said this is the first time you are writing and this is the first time I am reading an ad. SO I think we can be on the same page. I think there is no need for us to change our lives but to help eachother find what we are missing. There are so many things in our lives that this arrangement maybe really good for both. Lets findout where it leads. hope to hear from you soon.

Best WIshes
VK

My Reply:
I would just like to inform my that my husband found out about our little rendezvous plans thanks to that fucking Asian slut-of-a-whore housekeeper of mine. Who knew she could actually read English? Shes' been so spiteful ever since she found out that $5 a day is way below the minimum wage. I ought to have that fucking bitch deported.

But to hell with that. On the plus side, that old wrinkled bastard would like to join in out fun, or rather he's interested in having relations with you as I watch.

So when should we meet?
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Victim #8:
hello
36 old goodlooking greek i live in atlantic city i can host..
..love 2 eat ur pussy n suck ur hornny wet clit..i'll fuck ur clit with my lips and make cum n cum in my face..
love unshave pussy with fat wet pussy lips and hard clit...hung greek cock and big shooter 4 u baby
please call me 215 499 ****.. or just txt me 4 pic
john..

My Reply:
lovely because I am extremely unshaven and have a wild bush like the amazon...
you can be my little pet turtle and i will call you long john dung. i know that you would love a taste of this old coots vaginal scabies and lice. your a little dirty boy and i'm gonna spank your little dirty ass.

His Reply:
its morning.. i love sex in morning..
i like ur email its soooo sexy just like ur wet pussy..my dick soooo hard now ..thinking of u
sitting on my face..my tongue licking ur clit and asshole..my fingers in side ur horny pussy..and ur
cuming in my face 4 ever...
please tel me u r going to call 2nit..i love darty phone sex....
im working today..from 12;00 to 8;00 pm..
let me know what time u going to call me ..must be after 8;00 pm...
i live alon a im single n safe..
your greek lover..
john xoxo

My Reply:
I want to ride you like a pony train and shoot grape flavored jolly ranchers out my pussy into your mouth. maybe skittles so you can tell people that you've tasted the rainbow.

I will sit on ur face and u can eat my dripping wet, gonorrhea infected clit until I squirt my syphilis juice in your eyeball.

you can finger me until I orgasm orange anal secretions..

His Reply:
can u call me..
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I think there may be another installment but who knows. I still have a lot of emails that I either didn't read or haven't had a chance to post the replies.

All the same, I'll propably start doing these posting at least once a month now that I have internet at home again. And I'm sure they will be even more interesting since chances are, I'll be slightly inebriated, hehe.

Those are always the best...

Back Online

2009-04-22T11:56:00.002-07:00

I know that many of you may be unaware that I haven't had home Internet services since Frijolero caught a major virus on my computer and crashed the whole system back in November.

Tax time came around and we ended up buying a new computer 2 weeks ago, but since we wanted to upgrade to Verizon FiOS, we had to wait until today for those fuckers to come out and get everything up and running.

So here I am, blogging without fear of being caught by someones wandering eye and now you guys know why I haven't been blogging as frequently.

I had a story about Verizon cause they pissed me off yesterday so here it goes:

After buying the new computer, I immediately called them to set up Internet services. Services were scheduled to be installed on April 21, 2009 between 8am - 12pm.

We, as you may have already figured out, that was yesterday.

I took the day off yesterday, since that's when they were suppose to be coming.

But of course, that's not what happened.

Around noon, I called up Verizon to figure out why no one had showed up. The guy on the other line tells me, "There seems to be some conflicting dates".

I'm wondering what the hell kinda conflicting dates could there be? They said they'd come out on April 21st and today is April 21st. Where's the fucking conflict?

Apparently someone had dropped the ball and had split the order so that I would be receiving 2 services on April 21st and the other on April 22nd.

But still... That doesn't answer the question of why no one has arrived yet. So they guy calls dispatch and dispatch tells him that no one is scheduled to come to my house until April 22nd.

I politely told the guy that even though I know that no of this was his fault, to cancel my service because Verizon can go go eat vaginal yeast infection clumps and herpes juice for all I cared. As far as I was concerned they should go suck on a genital wart.

How in the hell did they think they were gonna get into the house to install services on the 22nd when they hadn't even notified me that they had randomly changed my date?

And then they wanna charge me a super high ass bill after I missed not 1, but 2 days of work. That ain't gonna fly.

The only reason I even bothered taking off a 2nd day was because I didn't wanna hear Frijoleros mouth about the whole thing.

I've been without home Internet for the last 6 months... Another 6 months was not gonna kill me.

So yeah... Just because I'm using the services (so not my decision) does not mean that I'm gonna let that shit slide. Verizon can still go suck it for all I care!!!

Easter Egg Hunt

2009-04-13T06:46:00.002-07:00

With yesterday being Easter and all, I took my kid over to my aunts house for an Easter Egg Hunt. My aunt, always being the broke ass bitch she is, only boiled about 24 eggs for 8 kids.

The 4 older kids ages ranged from 10-14 and the 4 younger kids were all 5 years of under.

I already knew this was going to be a bad idea since the older kids have an unfair advantage over the younger kids. Of course, no one pays me any mind or attention until I start doing outrageous things and that's exactly what happened.

All of the older kids found most of the eggs and were gloating in their victory. That is until...

I saw the disappointment in my kids eyes, having only found 2 eggs. He was so sad that it killed me, so I did what any other parent would do:

I ran up to one of the older kids baskets and stole some eggs and then re-hid them so my son could find them.

The older kids, having saw me steal their eggs chased after me, as to everyone horror I screamed at them "Go fuck yourselves, assholes".

I fought those little bastards off and re-hid the egg. My son was so happy that he has found another egg, that I just had to do something more for him to get more eggs.

One of the older kids had briefly left their Easter bag unattended to go look for more eggs, so this time I ripped the bottom of his bag so his eggs would fall out without his knowledge.

Then I took my kid and followed closely as the older kids eggs would drop and my kids would "find" them as we walked.

He was so proud of himself for having found so many eggs and I felt that I had done my job as a parent.

Of course my aunt, and some of the other adults weren't too happy. But nobody cares what they think, so they can go fuck themselves. It was there damn fault that I had to resort to such extreme measures to begin with.

What the hell did they think was going to happen when you only have 24 eggs and 10-14 year olds competing again 5 and under?

When I put into perspective, suddenly they got it, though they still thought my method of evening the playing field was a little extreme, to which I say to them, "Fuck off. I would urinate in your fucking right eyeball if I knew it would make my kid happy. So don't stand in my fucking way, bitch".

Dammit, those older kids just made me sooo fucking mad. I'm going to my happy place now...

Butt Sniffer

2009-04-07T10:49:00.000-07:00

I have a dirty little secret:

Sometimes at night, when Frijolero is fast asleep... I sniff his butt hairs to see if they smell like re-fried beans.

I don't have an ass fetish or anything and certainly not a hair ass crack fetish but I have nothing better to do.

He likes to walk around like his ass don't stink but it smells like butt. Not re-fried beans or strawberries... Just good ol' fashion ass...

I like smelling his butt because he has an anal phobia, so I violate his personal butt space because I know it would really bother him if he knew that I was that close to his anus.

He's got really long ass hairs... So long that I've even thought about braiding them while he's asleep then slipping him a laxative in the morning.

Just imagine he's taking a shit, when to his horror, he has clumps of shit entangled in his ass hairs, LMAO.

That would be hilarious.

I'm gonna save that prank for a day when he's got me really nice and angry.

Now on Twitter

2009-04-06T12:13:00.004-07:00

Honestly, I don't get the point of Twitter, and I really didn't want to sign up for it cause some bitch stole my ID LOL, (I'm on there under AngryGrlfriend, note that there's no i).

But everyone else seems to be going crazy over this site, so I'm gonna give it try and see what's really going on.

I've noticed that people seem to update their statues like every 3 minutes, which I'm trying to figure out why you feel it's so important to let the world know that you're taking a shit, or burying your sisters cat, or have a penis in your mouth.

Since we're all starting to get so intimate with one another, I guess it's totally appropriate for me to randomly start groping people I meet out on the street. I mean it's basically the same thing, right?

Just a thought...

Oh and in case you care to follow me in the event that I actually keep this thing up, here's where you can find me: Angry Girlfriend on Twitter

Fun on Craigslist:: Who Wants to Be My Boy Toy? Part I

2009-04-03T09:01:00.003-07:00

I posted this ad in Philadelphia. I figured that I've gotta explore in different areas to see if all men are equally as desperate and will play along with twisted responses.

Turns out they will...

This time, I decided to switch things up and make myself an older woman. I'm usually pretending to be in my early 20's. This time I decided to hike up the age to 45 and I played the role of a cougar.

So here is my Philly ad:

Who wants to be my boy toy? - w4m - 45 (Philly)

Reply to: pers-1051638155@craigslist.org ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}
Date: 2009-02-26, 1:51PM EST

I am an older woman who is in much need of a young man to satisfy my sexual desires.

I'm looking for men between the age of 20-30 and with an open mind for a good romp in the sheets.

I am an older attractive white woman. 45 years old. This is the first time I've ever done anything like this, so please bear with me. xoxo

Location: Philly

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Victim #1:
Hello i am 24 male maple shade. Black. 6 foot 1 and kinda stocky wit sexy kissable lips. Do u have a pic or yahoo? Let me know so i can be sure u r real. I can host here or in camden most nights and weekends.. Ttyl

My Reply:
is stocky a nice way of calling yourself a fat ass?

its ok, i dont judge on weight... i'm just so happy to finally be gettin some penis... well, hopefully...
i like fat people actually because theyre always nice... ugly people too...

i think i like you... you honest, fat, and probably could make me cum..

My husband is the worst fuck around... if it wasnt for his little impotence issue, i probably wouldn't have become an alcoholic.

So tell me young stallion, what do you think you could do to me that would make my toes curl and the spiders come running from out of my vagina.

His Reply:
lol. wow... u are a handful. well let me start off by getting a pic from you and describing more about how u look to me... then i can let you know what body parts i will do what to and how i will do to you. u have a husband so that means we can be discreet. and i liek that. i am sort of engaged myself, she doesnty live with me tho. do you mind coming to maple shade new jersey for our secret pleasures? definately send a pic and a yahoo or aim screename so we can chat

My Reply:
Honey, I'm cutting your fat ass a break by even considering letting u fuck me to begin with. I'm not going to drive out of my way to fuck to Pillsbury Dough Boy, fat man.

You need to bring something to the table, and I don't mean food. You're probably fat enough as it is...
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Victim #2:
I'm 36, which is older than your upper age range. But, I'm totally blind from birth, highly intelligent, intensely musical and a blast between the sheets. Will you give me a chance?

My Reply:
How in the hell are you sending me an email if you're blind? Do you need to be able to see in order to type?

Are you some type of modern Rain Man? No, that would make any sense. Rain Man was autistic, not blind. Stevie Wonder... There you go...

Doesn't matter I suppose. Darling, I'm going to make a slight confession. I may have partially fibbed about my age.

I'm not as young and vibrant as I may have claimed to be. I'm just slightly older. But considering the fact that you're blind anyways, I doubt that you could really tell the difference.

After all, if you're tried one pussy, you've basically tried them all. My vagina may not be as tight as it once was, and I may not be attractive in a conventional manner, not that it matters considering that you are blind, but I could definitely teach you a thing or two.

His Reply:
No, babe. I use a normal keyboard and type the same way fast sighted typists do, by touch. Your verbally colorful emails are read to me in synthesized speech by a screen reader called Window-eyes. I actually met him once and played beside him at the same piano. This was during my Freshman year at New York's LaGuardia high school. Tell me, how old are you exactly? Do you honestly think all pussies are identical? They sure don't all taste the same. Well, I'm here and horny. So, teach me as soon as you want.

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Victim #3: I am 20, I live in Philly looking for some fun. I want to be your boytoy.

My Reply:
lovely. u sound spectacular.

how big is your cock? I'm an older woman with a bit of experience so let me tell u what I'm into.

I'd like to tie your penis to your testicles and pinch your nipples with nipple clamps. you will perform oral sex and suck on my spectacular labia that has aged like a fine wine and now resemble something that I could only describe as elephant ears.

I will cut the string holding your penis and testicles in place and you will slide your gracious penile shaft into my ever so moist, loose, cunt. does this sound pleasing?

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Victim #4:
id love to be your boy toy.....25 y/o attractive and fit white male here....let me know.

My Reply:
Ooooh my! I don't even care what the rest of you looks like. After having to sleep with my old wrinkly prune body husband for the last 3 years you would be a pleasant delight.

Thank god the old wrinkled fart is suffering from impotence or I'd still have to feel his creepy decaying skin on my body.

I've done a vaginal rejuvenation surgery recently so my old ass cunt is tight like an 18 year old.

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Victim #5:
OH please pick me! Hi, I'm matt. I'm 20, live on the main line and can host. I've been DYING to find an older lady to show me a good time. In a word i'm the perfect boytoy. I'm mature, can hold a conversation. I work in a law firm downtown and have been all over the world. Oh and I'm a demon in the sack. I can't wait to meet you. I'm sending you a picture. Matt

My Reply:
Honey, I don't need a boy toy whose educated or even good at small talk. I need a boy toy whose is going to fuck me silly and has the stamina of a wild stallion.

My husband is an older gentleman and can no longer perform the way I need him to.

Its been a long time since I've had a good romp in the sheets and my old wrinkled ass, dusty pussy could use a really good hammering.

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Victim # 6:
I attached my pic if you like hit me back with yours....I've never done this either but its an incredible fantasy of mine.....we could have alot of fun......I love using my tongue.... Eric

My Reply:
No one even said that I've never done this before...

In fact, I do it all the time. This is the rave of the century.

My son is about your age. It was he who suggested that I start looking for new sexual partners on the internet, now that my husband is in a coma.

I once had this pleasant little Vietnamese boy who was perhaps just barely 19-years-old.

He lived and shared my bed for almost a month until he discovered my husbands bedroom and saw him lying there on his respirator. (This was before the coma).

Ohhh how I miss my little Phuc.... Anyways, enough about that Tell me about yourself...

What kind of things are you into?
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Victim #7: (I kinda switched gears here and pretended to be a foreigner.)
hi lets meet now

My Reply: hello handsome, you are so hairy. in my native country we call you ternaco azum nietco which mean like a hairy gorilla tarantula monkey loosely translate. it is compliment.

I love every inch of your hairy nipple and would like to pour hot sauce and lick all over you. you remind me of my ex lover who was hairy like you but with more hair. for fun, we pour hot wax and pull. he get erection from this sexual activity. i like to meet you too.

His Reply:
cool when can i cum see u and can u snd me a pic
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Stay tuned to next week for Part II. Well maybe not next week, but within 2 weeks... Maybe...

Anyone got any good ideas for a new character to portray?

Filet-O-Fish

2009-04-02T08:26:00.003-07:00

The new McDonald's commercial for Filet-O-Fish has been stuck in my head since I saw that stupid commercial.

For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, you can watch that commercial here:

It use to annoy me, but the more I kept hearing it, the more I like it. You have to admit... It's pretty damn catchy.

The guy in the commercial doesn't seemed bothered at all by that talking fish and just keeps eating his sandwich while nodding his head to the music.

It's pretty funny like the 5th time around.

I have been so entranced by the song that I managed to find it online and download it as a ringtone.

People are going to be so annoyed by my new ringtone. It's actually kinda funny.

Well you know me... Always finding new ways to annoy and piss off the general public...

My Top 10 Favorite Female Porn Stars

2009-03-31T07:05:00.016-07:00

I was watching porn the other day (I watch porn on most days), and it occurred to me that I don't have favorite porn stars in the conventional way.

I guess I like my porn stars based on controversy and looks, though when you see this list, it becomes quite obvious that appearance has very little to do with why I may like a certain porn star.

Some I just like to look at their pictures on the Internet and others I like to watch in action, and some are on current TV Shows. All the same here is my list of my Top 10 Favorite Female Porn Stars:

10. Sydney Moon

I like Sydney Moon for a few reasons:

1. I used her pics as one of my phone sex characters
2. She has a degree in psychology
3. She looks fucking hot naked.

She also has huge ass boobs and they're REAL. She has a very sweet and innocent look to her but she's a bad girl. Very naughty.
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9. Mary Carey

Who doesn't like Mary Carey? She's adorable and bubbly. She's in and out of rehab for drug and alcohol issues, but I really like her personality. Not to mention she makes good porn.

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8. Angelique Morgan a.k.a Frenchie

You may recognize her from Rock of Love 2, Rock of Love: Charm School, or I Love Money 2. She's the French streepr who luvz to be nakud all ze tim.

She may not be the prettiest stripper but I've seen her porn and boy can she give some mean head.
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7. Brandi M.

I don't know what her porn name was, but this was another Rock of Love contestant who did porn sometime in her past. (I don't judge).

She got a lot of facials, but facials aside, I still think she's hot.

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6. Sasha Grey
This one isn't really one of my favorites, but I know a lot of other people who are fans and so in the top she goes.

She was barely legal when she started her career and I'm guessing that's why most guys I know like her.

She looks too young for my taste, but all the same she's quite popular right now. Even making an appearance on The Tyra Banks Show, that didn't quite go so well.

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4. Tera Patrick

Who doesn't love Tera Patrick?

She's fucking hot as hell! Enough said!

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3. Big Sophie

She is large and in charge. I don't really get turned on by fat porn, but I admire a big woman who is comfortable being fat.

She's a happy fat girl which is way better then being a mean fat girl being mean all the time cause they're angry that they're fat.

Happy fat people make me happy. Besides, every time I think of the craigslist ad I did with her picture, I've Been Very Naughty... Again..., it makes me smile.

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2. Traci Lords
Ok so while this ex-porn star hasn't made any recent porn, she was quite a big deal back in the 80's.

Owning most of her porn is actually illegal since at the time that she made them, she was only 15.

If you happen to find some of her old porn, you can see for yourself why it is that no one ever suspected that this girl was only a minor at the time.

She does movie and TV now... She was definitely a lot more famous as a porn star then she is as a regular actress.

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1. Christy Wild

My top favorite porn star is a little Internet actress who goes by the name Christy Wild. I knew her back in high school as Christina *******. (Putting her real last name out there would just be plain mean).

She was quite nerdy back then, and by her own admission, still is to this day.

She was also quite naive (she thought you could get pregnant from kissing). A good wholesome Christian girl who just never could quite fit in at our majority black high school. I had problems fitting in myself, but without a doubt she had it 10 X's worse then I did.

I would always tell the people who picked on her, "Watch, I bet she's gonna end up being a stripper".

The good girls always do.

Not only did she become the stripper I thought she would, she exceeded my expectations and become a web porn actress. And not a bad one, might I add.

I really wish I could take credit for corrupting this one. I guess she'll always be the good girl who escape me evil powers and then corrupted on her own. It really does make me sad. I should've tried harder then. Oh well...

Something about knowing how she was and seeing how she is, is really quite a huge turn on for me.

Let that be a lesson to all of you: Today's High School geeks could be tomorrows Internet Porn Stars.

I Need a Break

2009-03-30T07:39:00.003-07:00

So I admit it. I've been just a tad bit bitchier then normal.

It's not my fault... I've just been a little overwhelmed by work and the responsibilities of motherhood.

With Frijolero working so far away now, I no longer really get to lay back when I get home after work. Instead, I'm working over time with the Boy Son, and I gotta tell you - He is wearing me out.

By the time Frijolero gets home, the Boy is asleep and I am just in straight bitch mode. I need a serious break.

Some Me time. I'm not one to usually run out and get my nails done but right about now, I could use a mani-pedi. Or maybe a tattoo that takes at least 3 hours to do because I find it so relaxing when I'm getting ink up.

Maybe I should hit up a happy hour or something, but all of my friends have to seem to have suddenly disappeared on me... Maybe it had something to do with the fact that I kept hitting on all of them.... Naaahhh, I doubt that... They liked it...

I think the Boy scared away all my friends.

I just need like a 3 day vacation... No Boy and no Frijolero...

Just me and the girls... Unfortunately, some of them can't bare to be away from their men for more then a couple hours... What the hell is that all about anyways?

Penis is really seriously NOT that great.

Guess I'm gonna be rolling solo, but that's cool... I just need a break.

Ooo, I know who I can hang out! My friend who's dating a cross-dresser. She's hoping that he'll be into anal sex because she really wants to penetrate his ass with a strap-on.

She's so much fun to hang out with. Plus she always pays for everything. Yey Me!

I always seem to know the most interesting people...

OMG... I Can't Fucking Stand You

2009-03-27T09:28:00.004-07:00

I can't stand Frijolero. Everything about him fucking irritates me.

Like yesterday for example, I was trying to have a conversation with his dumb ass on the phone but apparently it was a one sided conversation with me talking to myself as he flirted with some beaner cashier at some beaner bodega.

Here I was in the middle of a self revelation that I had just encountered, and the fucking fucktard can't even keep his fucking penis in check long enough for me to finish a god damn sentence.

Then there was the day before yesterday when the fucker swore up and down that I was pregnant and made my by a pregnancy test for his own piece of mind I suppose.

I kept trying to tell him, I'm having bad allergies. I got some shit going on with my sinuses. Not to mention that I had just gotten off my period last week and I'm pretty in fucking tune with my body to know what the fuck is going on in there.

Of course it came out negative and there was never a doubt in my head to begin with.

But hey, what the fuck would I know? I've only been living in the same body for the last 27 years so I guess I'm not qualified enough to know what goes on in there.

I am only the queen on mother fucking self diagnosing and self medicating, but I guess I don't know shit about myself.

Fucking waste of $15.

Ahhhhhhhhh... Well, now that I've got that out, I feel a little better...

Fuck! Shit! Cunt! Fucker! Sock monkey!

Ok... Now I feel better...

Annoyed

2009-03-26T11:39:00.004-07:00

I've been in a real funk lately....

Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING fucking annoys the hell out of me.

I think since my sinuses have been acting up, its made me really irritable and bitchier then ever.

Like the other day when I called my mom and she had that stupid song by Fergie "Big Girls Don't Cry" as her ring back tone, it annoyed the hell out of me.

Actually, the more I think about, the more I'm annoyed by every ones ring back tone. I think its like the stupidest thing you could ever come up with.

Just because YOU like the fucking song, doesn't mean that I wanna hear it.

It's just so damn irritating.

I mean it's one thing to have the different ring tones cause half the time when you hear it, it sounds muffled anyways.

But when I'm calling someone, all I want to hear is a standard ringing sound. It's not annoying, and it's comfortable. You know that the phone is ringing.

I know that I can't be the only person who feels this way. Why hasn't anyone else said anything about this?

I'm taking a stand against ring back tones. I will boycott any and friends and family who have some stupid ass ring back tone whenever I call them to show my disapproval of the stupidest thing ever created by the phone company.

Aye Chihuahua

2009-03-24T06:43:00.005-07:00

I've decided that I want a new pet. A little tiny, ankle biting Chihuahua. They're so tiny and cute and annoying and they bark all the ti me at nothing and everything.

Apparently, I like tiny thing. Not tiny penis' though. Tiny penis is never a good thing. Other then that, I like tiny things.

Cornholio, who I will now refer to as Frijolero, because that's exactly what he is (a fuckin' beaner), doesn't want me to get anymore pets because he claims that I don't take care of them, which is a damn lie.

I take care of all of my animals, including him. He's one of the best kept animals I have. I pet him, I feed him most of the time. Well, I try... He gets showered, and walked, and best of all, he gets to sleep in the bed, with the rest of my animals.

I think I deserve a new animal. I'm a damn good pet owner.

I think a long haired Chihuahua would be fun cause I could carry him around in my pocket. My older dog might not like that too much because she's extremely possessive over me, but she'll get over it.

I think Frijolero would have a lot in common with a chihuahua. They're both beaners. Well, he's not technically a Mexican, but he's Central American, but who cares? Close enough, right?

They both do a lot of yapping but no action. They're both annoyingly, cute, though sometimes they're just plain annoying. Actually, they're just mostly annoying.

You have to smack them with a newspapaer to make them stop humping your leg.

Maybe we could adopt a chihuahua. We adopted the cat, so why not a dog?

We'll technically, I was the one who adopted that damn cat, so if he pisses me off and we get a divorce, I'm taking the damn cat.

I'm an evil genius. Muahahahahahahahahha.

Fun on Craigslist: Short Short Man Part III

2009-03-20T11:22:00.000-07:00

I know that I said that I was gonna have this posted last Friday, but whatever. It's one week late. You'll get over it...

The Finale of Short Short Man

Short Short Man - w4m - 22 (Seattle)

Reply to: mailto:pers-1051551998@craigslist.org?subject=Short%20Short%20Man%20-%20w4m%20-%2022%20%28Seattle%29 ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}
Date: 2009-02-26, 10:00AM PST

So here's the deal...

I've had sex with several guys who are of average length... The problem is that it hurts...
I'd like to experience some pretty wild and crazy, fun sex... but with a guy who is 6 inches or below.

I'm 22 year old white female, D&D free, and I'm interested in meeting up with someone possibly tomorrow or sometime this weekend.

The only thing I ask of you is that you be at no more then 6 inches and also D&D free.
____________________________________________________________________
Victim #1
I'm a 6.. Tell me about yourself

My Reply:
I am a bit of a sexual deviant with fetishes for the abnormal.

I like shooting skittles out of my vagina as it demonstrates to my potential sex partner the muscle control that I possess. My only sexual flaw is that my vagina is unfortunately shallow and therefor I cannot handle a penis over 6 inches long.

I do however, appreciate having foreign objects stuffed into my anal capacity.

I'd like to share more with you, but I want to make sure that you are still game with everything that I have mentioned thus far.

His Reply:
Haha Id like to see the skittles thing.. Maybe we could try m&m's, let them
Melt and I could lick it off.. Do you like getting oral?

My Reply:
I prefer skittles because they don't melt like M&M which could result in your truly getting a yeast infection... I would know... Been there, done that...

I love oral. I like it when my clitoris is licked then pinched and slightly bitten.

I also like to give oral but only on the condition that you urinate in my mouth. I'm also into bondage and would like to tie you to bed post and blind fold you, and then have you guess what I'm going to do to you next or when I'm coming back to untie you.

I like to play this game I call "slave", but to play that game, I'd need you to take at least a week off of work, as it will involve me moving you to various locations and possibly a high speed chase. But don't worry, I promise to cover all court cost if something is to happen and we get caught and I can draft something up for you in writing if you'd like.

His Reply:
WTF!! Sounds crazy but unfortunatly I'm in the military so I can't get a dull week off and and trouble with the cops can't happen seeing how I am a military cop.. But I'm totally into trying anything

My Reply:
A Military Cop? That's really creeps me out. I have a phobia of government personnel... especially people in the military because most of the time they are mentally unstable.
*************************************************************************************
Victim #2:
6-2, 205....5.5 inches....muscular/athletic/discreet...dark hair and eyes..

in wallingford..

you?

cum explore..

hugh

My Reply:
Are you into golden showers by any chance? I get turned on by having guys pee in my mouth...

His Reply:

yes...certainly will "shower" you..

your pic?

hugh
*************************************************************************************

Victim #3:
Hi Im Josh from DT Seattle. I am right at 6 inches, maybe a little less. Let me know what you have in mind. Do u have a pic?

My Reply:
you think that's 6 inches? LOL
You don't have to lie hun... I specifically asked for small wieners and I think we got a winner! So what kinda kinky things to you wanna do to me with that thing? Are you into bondage by any chance?

************************************************************************************* Victim #4:
Hi...I am what you are looking for. Dont know what else your requirements r but take a look at what I have in that realm....and shoot me back an email.

My Reply:
omg its soooo tiny... you are perfect... any plans for tomorrow... how were you blessed with such a tiny little pecker... its like the size of a 2 year olds, only wider...its soo cute and little i'll even let you fuck me up the ass....i dont know if i wanna smack it or kiss it... i dont care what your face looks like... you have the cutest little penis i've ever seen...

His Reply:
Hmm, is this for real?

First of all, it's not that small!!! LOL Second of all, don't smack it! kiss it, maybe put it in your mouth and suck, maybe stroke it or sit on it, but no violence to the penis... May I see a picture of you now?

My Reply:
honey its not violence... but we all love in different ways... my love for penis is just a little rougher and somewhat abnormal then most...

His Reply:
LOL as long as it doesn't bruise, hurt for a long time and doesn't fall off...LOL So, where am I putting it?

My Reply:
well theres not many places to put it... its so tiny...

but I'll let u stick it in my little tight puss infected vaginal cave...

I can't get over how cute and small it is. I wish I could just stick it in my pocket
********************************************************************************************

Victim #5:
hi i can help, if u have a pussy pic i have a cock shot, if we like what we see we can do face shots, fare?

My Reply:
I like how you think.... I'll send you a pussy shot as soon as I get home and upload it...
in the meanwhile, tell me about the kinda things your into... I'm also interested in being as kinky and naughty as possible...
sorry for the late response...

His Reply:
hi nice to hear from u too, so u like to get kinky huh, or naughty hmmmmmmm

what about down right nasty, whats the nastiest think u have ever done? be honest, i will be, i have seen things and done things u wont belive,,,,,,,,,,,lol, out side the box too r u at work? i played hooky today r u thinking nasty thoughts right now mmmmmmmm;o)~(!)

My Reply:
ooo boy... well i'm a pretty naughty little slut... I once had sex with my dads best friend... He was 39 and I was 18 at the time... He made me tie him up and I took down his pants and he was wearing these cute little red and pink thongs... they actually turned out to be my thongs that he had stolen from me

I brushed a knife up the side of his cock and he was in pure ecstasy that he nearly ejaculated right then and there. I then squatted over his face and lowered my warm moist cunt over his face and brush my bushy pubs into his mouth. Then he screamed something like "Release the dam!" and I began to urinate in his mouth...

He said it felt like a warm fountain, trickling down his throat and he drank every drop of my very warm lemonade. He then instructed me to pour honey on his fully erected cock and to let my family pet... a golden retriever, lick every last drop of honey of his love shaft.

That made me a little jealous so I got down on all fours like the dog and began to fight with the dog for control of licking my lovers love tool.

Anyways that's just one of many interesting stories I have... how about u?

His Reply:
very nice, and very naughty, i love being pissed on, i also love pissing in ur asshole while im cumming im 37 just so u know, and i love nasty little girls u mentioned ur pet retriever. male or female? i have a very nice story bout my friend and her german sheppard, if ur ok with that have u ever let ur pup lick ur cunt, mmmmmmmm u on all 4's sounds hot can u open pics where u r now tell me more get my cock hard, so i can jack off for u ;o)~(!)

____________________________________________________________________

Stay Tuned to next time as I post an ad in Philly pretending to be a 45 year old cougar....

I don't know when it'll get posted but it might not be for another 2 weeks just because I can't really sit around and do this at work because there are people "watching" me.

They pretend like they're not, but they totally are...

Calling Dr. Ugly

2009-03-18T13:38:00.002-07:00

I was watching this show called The Doctors the other day and noticed that one of the doctors, Dr. Travis Stork is really hot.

The strangest thoughts then came to mind. I could never have a doctor who I found attractive do any work on me because they're hot and I would more then likely start thinking sexual thoughts about them which would be awkward especially if said doctor was like my OBG-YN.

I mean imagine sitting there spread eagle and Dr. Sexy Man or Dr. Sexy Woman walks in and started to prob around down there.

I don't think I could handle it. I might accidentally have an orgasm or something. That's a very real possibility for me considering that I once had an orgasm while getting a tattoo.

Now thinking about it, I don't think that overly attractive people should be allowed to be doctors because it's a distraction and its weird.

There should be like some kinda regulation that no doctor can be more then mildly attractive in order to practice medicine amongst the general public.

All the pretty ones should be put on T.V. so I can sit there and stare at them obsessively and fantasize about them all day. Maybe masturbate to them once or twice... Maybe more then that... Who knows?

Like Dr. Rey, from Dr. 90210. Another hot doctor. I could never go to him for any work because he's hot in a metrosexual kinda way.

Now thinking about it, I haven't seen any hot female doctors on T.V. or in real life for that matter. What the hell is that all about?

Weird...

Bad Word

2009-03-17T10:04:00.004-07:00

While at my aunts house yesterday, her kids, who are 11 & 9 I think, came running to their mom all freaked out and accusing my kid of saying a "bad word".

My aunt can be pretty uptight about shit like that but I tried to assured her that the chances of my kid saying a bad word were pretty slim considering that the only bad word he knows is "shit" and he only uses it in context to having to take a shit.

We debated back and forth on the issue about what bad word my kid had possibly uttered because she refused to just ask her kids what he had said.

Knowing how uptight my aunt is, I asked her if her kids were the kind of brats who think that words like 'penis' are bad words.

She claimed that they weren't but somehow I had a feeling that this was all penis related. My kid for whatever reason, is very fond of the word penis.

After so much debate of what the hell my kid could've said, her curiosity finally peeked and she finally asked her kids what was the bad word that my kid had said.

Apparently, my kid said to my aunts kids, "My penis is really big".

I guess it left them in a state of shock because you don't exactly expect for a 3 1/2 year old to say something like that.

Turns out I was right. My kid didn't say a bad word just like I had suspected. He instead just happen to blurt out something completely random, which he tends to do a lot.

I'm guessing his short attention span has something to do with him randomly saying things that have nothing to do with whatever is going on around him. After all, he is only 3 1/2.

I'm not sure if this would've alarmed other parents or not, but I don't see the big deal with the word penis and so he remains unpunished for this bullshit offense.

But yea, that's the story of my kid saying a bad word.

Bad Sushi

2009-03-16T09:03:00.004-07:00

I am a sushi fanatic... I just can't lay off the shit...

I'm also addicted to buffalo wings but I'll save that tale for another day.

Yesterday, I had the worst sushi ever... I mean the shit sucked.

I usually go to this all you can eat buffet place that has the "Happy Sushi Guy".

I love him.

He wears this cute little sushi guy hat and he's always smiling.

He makes me happy because he's all Asian and cute and happy.

He makes the best sushi ever and he does it with a smile.

I once saw him checking out this black chic. She had huge tits. I wonder if he's ever checked me out. My happy little Asian Sushi guy.

He's been missing. I wish I had a photo of him so I could post it. I miss my Happy Sushi guy :(

Anyways, back to the bad sushi.

So I got this sushi from a different place and it totally sucked asshole.

It looked pretty decent:
But it tasted like total shit. There wasn't enough soy sauce or wasabi sauce that could've saved this horrible sushi massacre.

Still I ate 8 pieces of the garbage, LOL.
YUMMY... Well not really, but still...

Happy Sushi Guy, if you're out there reading this, please come back... I need you to make me good sushi.

If I find you, I'm gonna kidnap you and keep you locked up in my closet so you can make me all the good sushi I want. You're such a happy little Asian. You make me smile :)

Nap Time For Grown Ups

2009-03-11T12:08:00.003-07:00

I remember when there was a time that it was expected of me to go lie down and take a nap... Of course in those days, I'd fight at nap time because I would rather be off doing something else, but now that I look back, I miss those days.

How I long for the a time in the day when I can turn off the cell phone and work phone and not answer to anyone because it's nap time.

I have nap time on the weekends but, I really feel that there should be like some kinda mandated work time, nap time. Like a siesta that they do over in Mexico.

It makes sense.

Mexicans are more productive because they get to nap in the middle of the day, while people here in the states work lazily just counting down the time until they can clock out and go home.

I think I should start a new campaign for a Nap Time for Grown Ups.

We could like sign petitions and lobby to congress to make them pass a law that mandates a 2-3 hour work, nap policy.

The best part of the nap policy would be that you would still get paid for those hours.

Why hasn't anyone ever thought of this?

I'm so brilliant.

Pure genius.

Who wants to join me for my Nap Time for Grown Ups campaign?

Fun on Craigslist: Short Short Man Part II

2009-03-06T06:52:00.013-08:00

Ready for some more fun? Here is Part of Fun on Craigslist: Short Short Man

Short Short Man - w4m - 22 (Seattle)

Reply to: pers-1051551998@craigslist.org ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}
Date: 2009-02-26, 10:00AM PST

So here's the deal...

I've had sex with several guys who are of average length... The problem is that it hurts...
I'd like to experience some pretty wild and crazy, fun sex... but with a guy who is 6 inches or below.

I'm 22 year old white female, D&D free, and I'm interested in meeting up with someone possibly tomorrow or sometime this weekend.

The only thing I ask of you is that you be at no more then 6 inches and also D&D free.
____________________________________________________________________

Victim #1: (Note: Originally I wasn't going to respond to this guy because I had already received a similar email from another victim, but after repeatedly emailing me like 5 times, I finally decided to give him what he wanted)
hi whats up? iam 28 wellendowed and super clean, iam 5"7 i like to eat out and fuck hard! i will send u a wild pics!! lol what you like to do?

My Reply:
What the fuck? I didn't ask for anyone that was well endowed... Did you not read the ad? I want someone who is 6inches or smaller... Maybe I should've specified that someone should also be able to read and understand what I'm writing...

His Reply:
i am small, clean and wild!!! lol how u like it?

My Reply:
Give me a good example of what kinda wild and I'll let u know if I'm into it..

His Reply:
text me i have to go 360540**** k

His Reply after I didn't text him:
hey! what you doing? lol

His Reply after I still didn't respond:
what you like? u like get eat out? what can a things u like? i want to be like u boy toy!!! lol whenever u need me i will be there!!!

My Reply:
I'm looking for a guy whose tiny cock I can deep throat and I want him to urinate in my mouth while I'm doing it..

I'd also like u to fist my anus and lick my dirty smelly cunt while doing it... hmmm

I'd then like to beat your balls with a ping pong pattle until u scream in delite.

Then I'd like you to stick ur tiny meat stick into my filthy cunt and fuck me until I squirt all of my vaginal juices into your eyeball.

Can u handle that? If so, how's this weekend sound?

His Reply:
mmmmm u make me so fucking horny like hell!!!!!!!

My Reply:
I can tell by your enthusiasm that ur going to be a lot of fun to fuck.

my vaginal walls are throbbing at the thought of you fuckin me with ur tiny prick.

I promise that u are gonna love my scabies filled vaginal hairs grinding on ur face as ur lickin up all of my vaginal herpes juices.

I'll send u my pic as soon as I get home from work. I don't think you'll be disappointed.

He sent me like 5 more emails waiting for my pic and then tried to add me to yahoo messenger and left me several offline messages.

Obviously this guy is crazier then me so ummmmm yea....

*************************************************************************************
Victim #2:
Wow. Interesting request. Would you mind if that short man was also a big, burly, black man?

My Reply:
as long as you have a small penis, then i dont really give a flyin fuck what the rest of you looks like...

His Reply:
lol. Should I quote you on that?

My Reply:
Why? Are you that fucking fat and ugly or what?

Even if you do look like a fat atrocious fucking black walrus, my cunt needs to be filled. My pink pie hole is throbbing and my battery operated tooth brush just died on me because of all the masturbating I've been doing.

His Reply:
lol. As far as I know, the answer would be, "no, I'm not that bad;" but then again, "that bad" depends on the eyes of the beholder. Might I ask what you are doing today, and or tomorrow?

My Reply:
Fucking your fat, ugly ass if you play your cards right...

His Reply:
Might I ask when you had this planned.

My Reply:
Oh ok, you're not interested... That's fine... I'll just pick from one of the other 120 and guys who also responded

His Reply:
(eyebrow raised) The last time I checked, unless two parties knew what time to meet and on what day, they missed each other; or am I incorrect? In which case, Were you thinking tonight, or tomorrow, and as I asked before, what time were you thinking of?

My Reply:
In which case, I don't have time for ugly, fat people, who are also smart asses... You can be 2/3 but you can't be 3/3 You've gone ahead and blown it fat man... Or should I say, you're not gonna get to blow it...

His Reply:
(bows low) apologies, you never specified to me that it was a domme/sub relationship you were looking for. As you had exercised sarcasm, I believed it was only polite to return the compliment as this was apparently becoming something of a verbal sparring match; which I love. And so, since you have already moved on, I will simply wish you the best on your endeavor.

*************************************************************************************
Victim #3:
Hi I think I can accomadate you with that?

My name is jeffrey I am not a large man by any means. I weigh about 166 lbs. 43 years of age clean, drug and disease free. I don't drink don't smoke.

I live in Burien, I live alone very single. If you would like to call me and maybe talk and see where it goes my phone number is 206-697-****.

I am off tonight and Friday night and I don't have anything to do right now. other maybe watch a good show on tv and or go to bed, would not mind having someone over and sleeping with them. maybe having some good sex whatever that is.

thanks hope maybe your the one for me.

Jeffrey.

My Reply:
You don't drink? That might be a problem...

You're not technically my type but I'm so horny and the guys who have responded so far are really fucking obese which I can't deal with fat people because they smell like pork and I don't eat pork anymore because I've been thinkin about converting into a Muslim, and being around fat people makes me crave pork.

So I'll over look your face cause I'm in desperate need to have my rank smelly cunt filled, but I'm gonna have be a little intoxicated to fuck you.

*************************************************************************************
Victim #4:
hey girl im andrey im 18yrs old im round 5.5-6 inches long and i wanna fuck call/text/email 253 315 ****

My Reply:
Awww you're such a cutie pie.... I don't think I could have sex with you because you kinda look like my little brother...

Unless you're into roll playing... we can make it really kinky and pretend like we're brother and sister and you could tell me things like, "Ride my harder big sis"...

Oh thats really turning me on....

You wanna pretend that we're brother and sister, huh?

You wanna come over here and spank your big sister on the ass and fill my cunt with your seminal fluid?

Let's breed and make inbred babies!! OMG I'm sooo horny...

His Reply:
yeah send me a pic

*************************************************************************************
Victim #5:
I not only have a small dick,4" I am 4'6"tall. I promiss it won't hurt.

My Reply:
OMG Your penis sounds so cute and tiny... like a roasted wiener or something...

You're kinda short though... are you like a midget or something? I kinda have a phobia of tiny things, well tiny people I should say... not tiny wieners... but I like Santas elves. I actually find them quite attractive and forbidden because they're all mystical and can fly... no wait, those are the reindeer.

But yea, I think I could over look the whole height thing but let's role play.

I'll dress up as Mrs. Claus and you can be one of Santa's elves and we're like having an affair... Do you have a hairy chest my any chance? I have this fetish for waxing a mans chest before we fuck and get down and nasty.

His Reply:
No I am not a miget,my groth was stunted when I was 9. Are you a guy Lyle? (This is reference to my the fake name that shows up when i send out mail)

My Reply:
am I a guy? what kinda warped, psycho midget land do u live in?

though my first name isn't legit for the obvious reason that there are evil people out there lookin for me, Lyle is my real last name.
I'm assuming ur not interested in role playin my fantasy...

His Reply: Ok,you lay on the bed and I will lick your pussy till you com.

*************************************************************************************
Victim #6:
Hey there, I saw your post and I am about 5.5 to 6 inches and I would love to get to know you. I am D&D free and I always use protection. I have some pics on my myspace that you can see, but none on this computer

My Reply:
Protection? I'm allergic to latex... I'm disease free too... I promise...

His Reply:
How can you be sure if you dont use condoms? do you get checked?

My Reply:
I perform this self cleansing ritual, where I cut a lemon in half and squeeze the juice into my vagina and let it sit there for about 5 minutes. Lemons are acidic so it kills any bacteria and possible infections that I may encounter.

I do this after every unprotected sexual encounter that I have.

The only problem about this self cleanse is that I suffer from a lot of yeast infections, but that completely normal considering that I am disturbing the Ph balance of my vaginal canal.

The cleanse has worked every time that I have done it...

The few times I didn't do it I contracted syphilis and gonorrhea, but that's all cleared up and in the past so I'm good to go. We could meet up tomorrow.

I'm on my last day treatment to clear up a yeast infection that I currently have, so if you're free we could meet up.

His Reply:
What about a polyurethane condom? Thats an alternative to latex. What part of Seattle do you live in? And do you have any pics?

My Reply:
Dammit... You caught me... I was just hoping that you would fuck me raw... I love the feeling of skin to skin, it soooo warm and moist and feeling your fine hard shaft penetrate my vaginal walls. Boooo :(

His Reply:
Sorry, but I need an assurance that I wont get any diseases or get anyone pregnant. I'm still up for it as long as we use protection if you are.

My Reply:
Smart move... You're not as dumb as the rest of these cock sucking, loser bastards. Have fun with that!

I guess not everyone on Craigslist is crazy. Brownie points for this smart fucker. It almost makes me want to go out of my way and help him find a real ad so he can get laid... almost...

Then he sent this and pissed me off:
Then I guess you will have fun with the rest of those cock suckers.

My Reply:
Oh yes, its like Russian roulette.

You never know what venereal disease you're gonna catch next...

Dumb ass. You still don't get that it's a game? Fucking moron.

I then continued talking to this kid for good minute and for the first time ever, I confessed. Well not really. This is what really happened:

His Reply:
Do you really think that the lemons do the trick?

My Reply:
Of course not!!! I'm not retarded...

His Reply:
Good, I couldn't believe what I was reading. So, I take it you aren't really allergic to latex then?

My Reply:
Last time I checked.... ummmmm nope...

His Reply:
Yeah, I didn't think so. So whats your game? Are you trying to give other people some vd that you have?

My Reply:
LOL no, no... I'm not that psychotic. I'm a blogger. I'm working on a blog about how easily it is to persuade men into having sex bareback even with complete stranger. You're like the only guy who I've corresponded with who actually stood their ground. The rest of them were very easily persuaded... scary thought. I know this is a pretty unconventional method to do some research, but it's a lot safer then going to the bar or in public and meeting strangers who would most likely lie if they knew my angle to begin with.

Ok so it was a partial confession. Anyways, turns out this kid is only 19. Who the hell at 19 knows about polyurethane condoms?

Mad props to this kid for being so sexually aware, although I still question why was he on craigslist looking for pussy to begin with.

Probably has something to do with the whole small penis issue.

*************************************************************************************
Stay Tuned to next week for Part III of Short Short Man

Dear Angry Girlfriend: I'm A Sexy Paramedic

2009-03-03T09:08:00.005-08:00

I love to receive emails from the people who read my blog. It makes me feel all warm and tingly inside.

Today I received this email:

Hey angryGF. My name is chad i am a sexy paramedic who sits at work many days bored looking for something to do. Your phone sex bit on youtube was hot as hell. You really had me worked up. Any way if you would be interested in trying that with me sometime hit me back up and we can exchange number. If you want a pic of me let me know. Holla

I guess "Chad" hasn't really been paying attention. This was my reply back:

I'm assuming that you're not a regular reader of my blog since you only made mention of my Angry Girlfriends Guide to Phone Sex blog and not my blog on Confessions of a Former Phone Sex Operator.

I suggest that you read the latter. I think that perhaps you were a little overly turned on and forgot that I was once a paid professional in the art of phone sex. It's not exactly something that I do just for fun (unless I plan to record it, make fun of the person and then post the whole conversation on my blog, which I have yet to do for legal reasons).

I suggest that you continue to get off of my prerecording for free. Or I can sell you a new prerecording at a low, low price of $9.99... Fuck it... Let's just make it an even $10.00.

Maybe you could respond to an ad on craiglist and get some action that way, but considering that I do quite a bit of trolling on there, that might not be a good idea either.

P.S. It's kinda scary that you're a paramedic "who sits at work many days bored looking for something to do". Shouldn't you be out saving people from death or something?

Or is the economy so bad that people are holding off on dying because they can't afford it?

He never responded back so I'm assuming that he didn't like my little suggestion. Booo, no fun...

Oh well...

Well if anyone else wants to email me, send me an email at angrygirlfriend@gmail.com.

What Is Wrong With Me?

2009-02-28T08:37:00.002-08:00

After having the last week of work all to myself without the prying eyes of that evil stalker monkey villain who continually haunts me, I decided that in order to make the best of my free time that I would post these seemingly normal ads on Craigslist.

We should all know by now what the outcome is for anyone who responds to one of my ads. But now I am forced look at myself and wonder about my mental sanity.

I mean, what kinda of normal person would dedicate 5 consecutive days to doing something like that and for hours at a time?

I don't think that's normal... or even sane.

What's worse is the fact that not only does this little recreational activity of mine keep me entertain, but I'm amused at my own responses and seem to be always looking for that new level to take it.

I want to say that I will stop and try to act like a more respectable, decent and productive member of society, but the chances of that actually happening are pretty much slim to none.

I should probably be medicated, or locked in a room with padded walls because I'm starting to enjoy this little activity of mine just a little too much.

It's like a high and I'm addicted.

P.S. If there is anyone who wants to see the pics of the guys from the ads and their members, I have no problem emailing those pics to whoever is interested.

Thought anyone who asks me for those pics is probably a little more twisted then I am, LOL.

I would post them on my blog but most of them have really ugly penis' and I don't want to scare anyone away.

Fun on Craigslist: Short Short Man

2009-02-26T21:00:00.004-08:00

As promised, here are some more Craigslist ads with responses from yours truly:

Short Short Man - w4m - 22 (Seattle)

Reply to: pers-1051551998@craigslist.org ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}
Date: 2009-02-26, 10:00AM PST

So here's the deal...

I've had sex with several guys who are of average length... The problem is that it hurts...
I'd like to experience some pretty wild and crazy, fun sex... but with a guy who is 6 inches or below.

I'm 22 year old white female, D&D free, and I'm interested in meeting up with someone possibly tomorrow or sometime this weekend.

The only thing I ask of you is that you be at no more then 6 inches and also D&D free.

Victim #1:
Hello, I'd like to have fun with you. :) May I try that? I'm average asian size. I think I'm sweet, decent, and always showing respect toward ladies. Would you like to come over have some tea and see where it goes? I'm 24 asian guy, study in language program now. live alone in U-D, next to UW. I'm 5'6(170), 143lbs. I'm DD free, and non-smoker. looking forward to hear from you soon. :) Y.

My Reply:
Yes! An Asian!!! You guys are known for having small cocks.... I think you're could be the one that gets me off! Boooo, ur not a smoker... I am, hope you dont mind... I tend to smoke when the sex is lame, but I'm sure it wont be with you cause you asains are all aerodynamic and stuff.. I've seen Americans Next Best Dance Crew... you guys can really dance... so what is your weekend looking like... maybe we can meet up at a bar or something?
************************************************************************************
Victim #2:
I’m 5”

My Reply:
YES! Sounds like you could be a match... I think it could be fun trynna ride your tiny cock with my moist and hairy vagina... hope u dont mind the fuzz but I like it alll natural...

His Reply:
No I don’t mind. Would you mind if I’m in a wheelchair?

My Reply:
Why the hell would I care if you were in a wheelchair... As long as you have a small penis and it doesnt hurt when we fuck, then its all good.

His Reply:
Will you call me?
************************************************************************************
Victim #3:

Can you handle a 8incher I

Promise to take it slow and short

My Reply:
NO I CANT!! Fuck! DID you not read the fucking ad?? Maybe I should've specified a man who isn't fucking illiterate...
*************************************************************************************
Victim #4:
Hi hun, I think I meet your requirement. I'm 24 Asian, my cock is 5", kind of embarrawed but that's average Asian size. Do you want to try it out? I'm clean and disease free. And I'm real. Hit me back if you are too

My Reply:
I don't know why I didn't specifies Asains to begin with... I probably should have So tell me Mr Shrimp Fried Rice, what kinda kinky things are you into?

His Reply:
lol...I love the Shrimp fried rice name...I don't wanna just go with you and release my need without taking care of you...so I would take it slowly, we take a sweet bath together first, then I explore your body, lick your tits, you suck my cock, suck me good. Don't let it cum just yet, I taste your juicy pussy, you are wet, I put my dick into your glory hole and there we go. I'm looking straight to sex only, nothing crazy that I want to play. Hopefully that's what you look for too.

My Reply:
ooo yea, baby, that sounds sooo fuckin hot.. i'm getttin so turned on just thinkin about your little shirmp egg roll sliding into my warm and wet muffin mit... Its gonna be on like donkey kong... isnt donkey kong made up by ur people? whatever I think you and I could have a really good time. i think youll love the taste of my sour pussy. It has a very distinct taste... I've heard that its kinda like chinese food, which is kinda ironic now that I think about it LOL But who doesnt love chinese food... You eat it, get filled up really quick, and a few minutes later, you're starving again....

His Reply:
lol, you are very funny person. I like it. btw, I think pussy tastes more like the smell of raw fish. But whatever, I enjoy licking it. So are we meeting up? you know...I'm horny as fuck. Haha

My Reply:
LOL like sushi... thats whats up... I like you, you clever little asian... sooo whats your weekends looking like? We need to get some plans together so we can get this party rolling... in my pants!!!

His Reply:
Why don't we meet up right now? I'm ready to roll...my egg roll. Do you have anything to do now? We can meet up for a lunch and if you like me then bring me back to your place or get back to my place. btw, any pics of you?

My Reply:
Oh yea... I love little happy asian people, theyre just all tiny and cute, you can like fit them in your pocket and stuff. Todays not good, I'm out of town and wont be in until tomorrow evening... I was thinking more like Saturday cause like jet lag and shit. you're are such a happy little asain.. you make me smile :)

His Reply:
thank you for chatting with me so long. I think Saturday is ok if you are serious. At this point, seem like you are not. At least I would hope to have a pic but no. Anyway, whatever.
*************************************************************************************
Victim #5
I'm about 5 - 5 1/2 inches but still fairly thick. You can measure me if you want, but I think when you see you'll have a good enough idea.

Oh, my name is Blake and I'm in Bellevue, relatively close to Seattle and can drive. I'm in my 30's, caucasian, blue eyes, short light brown hair, over 6ft tall, no drugs/smoking/STDs.

Do you let guys go down on you? Because sometimes that might help get you worked up and more easily to accept the longer guys?

I'm sending a face photo.. wondering if you might be interested? Because tomorrow works fine with me... we can work out details like if you host or not, and where to meet up, etc, all in the next 1-2 emails.

Blake

My Reply:
Guys go down on me all the time... Just last Friday, I had met this guys off of Craigslist (he was about 8inches) and he offered to like go down on me first and I was like yea sure no prob... and he said something about a foul odor but I'm assuming that he was trying to play off that he penis smelled kinda funky, but long story short, that shit was sooo painful even though I was like all wet and moist.

Then on Monday I met this other guy who was like 5 inches, and he didnt even try to eat me out because something about a foul odor, but he got right into it, and it was like on. I was thinkin about hittin him up again but apparenly i wrote his number down wrong or something cause some other person answered the phone. but anyways, what do u think about meetin up this weekend, if we like get a long and stuff...

His Reply:
This weekend would be fine. Saturday afternoon.

Do you have a photo to share since I shared mine?

Blake
*************************************************************************************
Victim #6:
I'd hate to say it, but it sounds like your looking for me ;-)

I'm 25, single, 6ft tall, 190lbs, fit, clean, in shape, HWP, disease free, attractive, and Experienced.
My cock is just under 6inches long.
I'm a passionate lover though, and know how to please a woman...

Here's my pics,
mind sharing yours?

My Reply:
wow i didnt know tall people could pack such small packages
whatever, if it works, it works
so heres my deal...
I dont like vaginal pain (hence why i'm lookin for a small penis), but I'm into anal pain... wanna shove it up my asshole and make it bleed?

His Reply:

I'll give it to you however you'd like...

send me your pics

My Reply:
hmmm sounds goood to me... I'm just dying to have some wild and crazy sex with someone whos open to anything... I'm into a lot of anal play, so maybe you can stick things like a bottle or a corkscrew in my anus while you're fucking my funky vaginal hole with your tiny pecker. I'd love for you to make my asshole bleed...

His Reply:

Sounds good to me.

send me your pics and your number
*************************************************************************************
Victim #7:
hi so im am a fun chill outgoing athletic sexual agressive guy in seattle i love to have a very fun wild time where we are taking it hard and as many times as we can i am 21 tall dark and handsome itailian guy in north seattle i am 6'0 260 strong guy that has the drive you need and the feel that you are asking for i am 6in cut std free and very clean i am trying to find something that we can arranage and be happy let me know

My Reply:
you're a happy little chunky monkey arent you? i like happy chunky fat people because they make me smile... almost like the Pillsbury dough boy... hes really happy...

I like to drink... do u like to drink? i have a confesion to make... you know how on my ad it says i'm d&d free? well only one D is true... no diseases here baby, but i'm in love with the world and I think you are so beautiful... guess what drug I'm on? Do you like drugs? I do... they make me happy, just like you... they also make me horny ;)

His Reply:
well thanks baby maybe we can make eachother smile dont worry about this chunky moncky i still know how to make you happy your confession is good becuase i am on d free too i love weed and coke lol i think the world is a great place and want to make our days beutifull i cant geuess what drug but drugs make me horney too and i am super horney today send me a pic

My Reply:
Jesus you're fat! Squishy monkey balls... I like you squishy monkey.

OMG I'm so happy again... you're so fat and squishy. Can I poke you? I like squishy chunky people. You're my squishy chunky monkey teddy bear.

Can we meet up tomorrow? I'll probably be rolling again so I'll like your fatness. We can have sex with your tiny squishy penis...
*************************************************************************************
Victim #8:
I'm 6 inch...... 22 a guy....im d&d free... and best of all i have the whole weekend off and im free lol....ill send you a pic if you want to know more just ask and i could get a pic from you! the name is colby by the way...

My Reply:
so far so good.

I hope u have an open mind because I'm into some pretty kinky shit.

I just need a guy with a small enough penis for it all to be enjoyable.

I like being spanked, anal penetration, and having foreign objects being inserted into my vaginal canal.

I have a pet chicken who I like to use in a 'cleansing' ritual that I perform on men that I'm going to have sex with before I tie them up and fuck them nasty.

this ritual is to prevent us from giving each other venereal disease. I've had chlamydia and gonorrhea on at least 2 occasions and I blame myself because I didn't preform the cleansing ritual.

I would love to meet up with you this weekend...

His Reply:
That's a little too weird for me sry.. I'm open minded but ya no can do.
*************************************************************************************

You know, I think I learned a very valuable lesson here... The men in Seattle aren't half as stupid as the men in the MD/DC/VA area.

However, they are absolutely insane... Crazier then me... Then again, no not really...

I don't know what's in the water over there that makes those people turn into serial killers and sexual deviants, but I'm staying the hell away from Seattle.

Whatever it is that's in that water, it also makes then seem to have small penis' or so it would seem considering that I received about 160 replies to this one ad.

Guess what that means? There will be a part 2, and possibly a part 3, to this blog.... BUT, you're not gonna get to read it until next Friday...

I'll also be posting ads in other cities...

Maybe I'll so like a Fun on Craigslist posting like once a week and post on Fridays... Who knows... Or maybe not... I guess we'll see...

Evil Cat

2009-02-26T06:51:00.005-08:00

This is Spoon...

Spoon is evil...
He's Cornholio's cat...

I don't like cats...

Cats are evil...

He stalks me and when I've fallen asleep....

At night, he tries to steal my soul...

This is Pixie Doodle...
She's allergic to Spoon...

And to the carpet...

And to lots of other things...

But she's my dog...

I love her because she's not evil...

She doesn't like Cornholio which means that I only love her more...

Tomorrow on Angry Girlfriend.... More fun on Craigslist... YEY!

By the way... I was going to put a hit out on the cat to have him catnapped, but then I decided that would really be fucked up, plus I don't have any money to pay a catnapper... Unless, there's anyone out there who catnaps for fun...

I can tell you where he lives and his daily routines if that helps...

Anyone? No? Ok, well, just thought I'd ask...

Anal Auction

2009-02-25T08:08:00.003-08:00

Reading back on yesterdays Craislist post, I was actually a little disappointed in the replies I received... Maybe I just wasn't high enough...

I could reattempt it sober, but that's never as much fun...

I'll probably try again on Friday, because I can never just get enough of those people. Are men really that stupid? I guess their replies speak for themselves...

I think I should try posting in a different location though. People might be starting to catch on to me, though I'm not sure how that would be possible when half the people who post on Craigslist are crazy anyways.

Speaking of Craigslist, I had a legitimate post that I wanted to put up by my friend won't let me.

She is an ass virgin and she wont let me auction off her anal virginity which I think is unfair.

There are lots of people who auctions things off on the Internet everyday, and yet, she is completely unwilling to let me auction off her asshole even thought I offered her 25% of whatever I make which I think is more then fair.

I think we could make a lot of money from selling her anal virginity. Lots of guys wanna fuck girls up the butts and the fact that they would be the first guy... well that's just the icing on the cake or on her back (hehehe).

One of these days, I'm going to put a legit ad on Craigslist for something... I'm not sure what, but it'll be something good.

Maybe I can convince her to auction her face for a "facial". Can you even do that on Craigslist? Hmmmm, only one way to find out I suppose...

I'm gonna auction off something one of these days... but it wont involve me... maybe my friends, but definitely not me... I'm not a whore... LOL

I'm just the pimp...

They'd probably just flag the posting anyways... Booo, how lame...

Nyquil + Craiglist = Good Times

2009-02-24T09:22:00.002-08:00

I believe you have been waiting for this. Have fun reading:

Work Hard Play Harder - 25 (MD/DC/VA)

Reply to: pers-1048349966@craigslist.org ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}
Date: 2009-02-24, 11:02AM EST

I am feeling like a total slut and I want to meet a guy who can make me feel like a bigger slut. I'm hoping that we can meet in a public place and have wild sex out in public. Let's pretend that I'm your hooker and you're my john.

I'm 25 year-old white female, disease free, and you're gonna love the way I look. I got a phat ass.

I'd like to possibly meet after work tonight or tomorrow at a bar during happy hour so we can get some liquid courage flowing through our veins before we get this party started.

I'm looking for white, middle eastern, or Asian males between the ages of 21-35. If you're a virgin, even better. I make one hell of a good first time lay.

Your pic gets mine.

Let the fun begin!!!

Victim #1 Reply:
Why wait until tonight???? I know of a hot little public spot near me where I'd LOVE to fuck you and taste that ass!!! I'm white - 29, clean, discreet and DD free!!! SAFE!

My Reply:
Don't you have a job?

I said tonight because most people work during the day... if you're a scrub then meeting up is pointless anyways since I was planning on whoever I was gonna meet up with to pay for all my drinks...

His Reply:
I'm at work now!!! LOL I like to take risks at all times. ANd no scrub here...professional white collar guy here...with a nice, muscular body.

My Reply:
Yeah yeah yeah, so you buyin or what?

It's gotta be tonight. The last time I did this in the middle of the day, I lost my job and right now I can't afford to lose this job because I haven't been working there long enough to collect unemployment...

His Reply:

How the hell do you lose your job getting caught??? LOL Fuck - was it IN your office??? Craziest place for me was the Capitol...yes, THE Capitol..

Let me see some pics and we'll talk drinks.

My Reply:
It was in the break room and I was screwing around with my supervisors wife who had come in to drop him off god knows what. We thought he had left the building so I convinced her to come with me or should I say "cum" with me.

Long story short, he ended up walking in on us as i was going down on her and I got fired on the spot, butt ass naked.

Shit happens, what can I say?

His Reply:
What!!! You're bi? FUCKING HOT. Let me tell you - if I caught my wife with another chick I'd sit down, pull it out and watch...maybe join if asked. Dumb mo-fo. Well - I could guarantee you wouldnt get fired for my public spot!

Typical Man LOL.
*************************************************************************************
Victim #2
Hi there. I love to make women feel like sluts, and I'd like to do that with someone this weekend. I'm tall, fit, VERY hung, dominant (obviously) and disease-free. Let's get together anytime this weekend and get that liquid courage going, and then I'm willing to be totally adventurous.

T

My Reply:
This weekend? I said tonight... I can't wait until this weekend... I want to get fucked like a whore tonight...

His Reply:
I know! I work evenings, so that's out. I can fuck you like a whore now, or any other day during the day, or it can be this weekend. Assuming you're at work now, I think it'd be worth the wait until Saturday. *wink*

My Reply:
Or I can pick some other random guy who has also replied to my ad and let them fuck me like a whore instead...

His Reply:
Of course. And then I can fuck you like a whore this weekend. Everybody wins!

My Reply:
Sorry but the weekends are reserved for my boyfriend. It's the only time I ever get to see him and I don't think he'd appreciate you being there... I can always ask him though...

His Reply:
Nah, it's okay. I hope you get what you need!

Boooo, no fun LOL
*************************************************************************************
Victim #3:
But clean and game.

What's your story, other than being dirty?

My Reply:
Dirty isnt the word for it.. I'm a filthy, dirty slut.

I suffer from nymphomania. I'm currently seeking therapy to treat it, but so far it hasnt helped and I feel even hornier then even. My therapist had suggested that I disconnect my internet at home, but that still leaves me time to find guys to fuck me from work.

My husband has no idea that I'm still running around sleeping with other people because he thought I was cured... anyways, enough about me and my silly little issue. Tell me about you... are u up for some fun?
*************************************************************************************
Victim #4:
Hi baby...i was wondering if we could hook up today...i work at home so im available anytime....lets have some fun..i am attaching my pic...im so horney right now! i willing to make you cum multiple times

My Reply:
You think you can make me cum more then once?

Does your penis curve to the right or to the left?

His Reply:
I can definitely can make you cum more than once, my pennis straight big and very hard, where do you live, tell me somehthin about yourself, do you have a pic you could send me and can we hook up today

My Reply:
A straight penis serves no purpose. I need a curved penis to make me cum.
P.S. Hooked on Phonics may work for you....
*************************************************************************************
Victim #5:
I hope I'm not responding too late. I know you get alot of junk emails where guys just want to show you pictures and be rude. That's not me. I'm a SWM from Germantown. 5'11, 160. 31. I'm interested in chatting with you to see if we are both looking for the same kinds of fun. I'd at least like to be polite and nice and behave like a normal human being who just happens to be interested in hooking up as well. So if you think you might be interested, send me a reply. We can exchange pics, chat a little and maybe meet up for drinks or whatever.

Let me know...

My Reply:
If I were lookin for nice, I would've posted a classier ad. I'm not looking for nice... I'm lookin for nasty, raunchy, dirty, kinky, cum and fuck me in a dark and filthy ally.

I don't care to have meaningless conversations about shit that isn't fucking relevant to begin with.

Being polite is not a turn on. I want you to tell me how you want to shove a beer bottle up my vaginal hole and stick your fist up my anus. I want someone who's gonna pull my hair and spit in my mouth and call me a dirty disease carrying whore.

His Reply:
Point made.

Just wanted to stand out from all the guys who send you cock picks and beg you to pick them based on their stellar one line "I'll fuck you good" response.

I'd love to stuff my cock up your ass and have you bend it until my balls turn black and blue. Then I'd love to put my stick in your mouth and make you gag until you choke on your own saliva.

You sound like a dirty whore who needs to be taught a lesson. I'm ready to make you beg me to stop. And I won't.

My Reply:
The only person who needs to be taught a lesson is you...

I'm going to bend you over and spank your filthy ass like the dirty bitch you are.

If you're lucky I'll let you stick you're filthy unworthy cock into my pie hole... oh wait, you didn't reply to my S&M ad did you? If you're interested let me know cause then I can kill 2 birds with one stone.

I just get sooo aggressive sometimes... and then I black out and I find myself having sex with another random stranger... Whatever happens, please promise me you'll use a condom cause I just got rid of the clap so I'm good now but I don't want to catch nothing again...

Does tonight work for you?

Hi Reply:
I always promise to use a condom. However, we'll see what happens. If I like the look of your pink slit, I might just give it a special treat. But I'm not interested in getting all jammed up with a disease, either. So saftey first.

Tonight works. Right now works, too.

My Reply:
Right now would work, but I have something called a JOB.... ever heard of one?

Please tell me you work... I was counting on you to buy me some cocktails after work...
*************************************************************************************

That's enough fun for now... I'm feeling really sleepy now thanks to my best friends, Nyquil.

I've got all week to act up. Hope you can handle it!

Nyquil + Craiglist

2009-02-24T07:41:00.003-08:00

I'm feeling a little sick and a little high off of Nyquil. However, I am alone in the office for the next week (finally!) and I'm going to make good use of this time by getting into as much trouble as I possible can by having some good ol' fashion internet fun.

Has anyone ever noticed the bubbles in their Nyquil?

Every time I sneeze, I pee on myself a little...

Anyways, it's time for me to get back onto Craigslist and have a little fun...

I don't know if mixing Craiglist and Nyquil is a good idea, but there's only one way to find out...

Stay tuned...

Who Wants to Be My BFF?

2009-02-21T13:01:00.000-08:00

Paris Hilton did it, so why can't I?

Granted, I'm not famous, or blond, or rich, or anorexic, but I have made home made videos, though it wasn't with night vision. It was just a regular old home made sex tape. (There's actually been several, but who's counting?)

Whatever. I'm getting off topic...

So here are my requirements for a BFF:

1. They read my blog and think that I'm absolutely hilarious or absolutely insane (There's no in between. It's either one or the other).

2. Must be female. I have no use for male friends.

3. Must allow me to refer to them as bitch, slut, whore, and other derogatory names. You may also refer to me as a bitch, slut, whore and other derogatory names. (Real friends don't get offended by these names).

4. Candidates must also allow me to touch them in inappropriate manners. I am a very sexually inappropriate person. In a work place environment, I think the term is "sexual harassment".

5. I must find you sexually attractive. (I don't want to hit on ugly people. I'm not desperate).

6. Any race may apply as long as you're not ugly.

7. If you have a weird name that I can't pronounce, I reserve the right to change your name to something I like better.

8. I may possibly give you a nickname based on a stereotype about your race. Learn to live with it and get over it.

9. Please be a drinker and a smoker (cigarettes). Pot heads need not apply.

10. Tell one good reason why I should let you be my friend or even one good reason why you think this whole idea is absurd and that I should really seek professional help.

Email your submissions to angrygirlfriend@gmail.com.

Be warned... If anyone actually responds to this thing, I will post the response. Good or bad...

Don't Feel Sorry For Me

2009-02-17T10:13:00.007-08:00

I wanted to post this comment and address this so-called fan of mine because it seems as if some people still don't get me... Which is ok since we all know I'm not one of the easiest people in the world to understand being as simply complicated as I am.

"A Big Fan" of mine left this comment on my last blog:

you are so sad. i really feel sorry for you. you dont even give yourself a chance to be happy over something nice. i am a big fan of yours and maybe your man sees that you deserve the flowers and yet you cant accept a act of kindness done to you. you are so messed up in the head that all you know is being a bitch or fucked up....which at times aint bad. i hope you had a happy valentines day.

Hello Fan,

I maybe just a little messed up in the head, but I'm not sad. If you were really a fan of mine then you would understand that I write a lot of crazy, weird, messed-up things that sometimes don't even make any sense.

I like to act out like a bitch because it's fun. Most importantly, if you knew the kinda person I'm married to, you'd understand why I was in such a state of shock.

I think the most twisted part about me is my sense of humor because I'm one of those people who I guess you could say is a little "off".

I've said this many times before and I'll say it again: Don't take too much of what I say to heart because half the time I'm either joking or straight out just bullshitting you.

Go back and read that last posting and take it for what it was meant to be... A joke...

It's actually pretty funny when you read it... at least it was to me... and the 5 other people who actually read my blog, LOL... Well, not you though... But the rest of them laughed...

Actually, I'm a little biased about the things I write because I wrote them. I tend to laugh at most things I've written because I think that I'm just that damn funny, which sometimes I am and sometimes maybe I'm not, but it's funny to me so... ummmm... yea...

Thanks for reading!

Remember: Always read my blogs with an open sense of humor because if you read through it too fast, you might miss it.

P.S. You've got some major balls taking a risk like that. You should know by now I usually always make a blog out of a reader comment and it's usually to say something evil and mean.

I like you. You're a risk taker. Walking on the wild side! Dancing with the devil! That's hot ;)

Not Another Crappy Valentines Day? WTF?

2009-02-16T08:56:00.005-08:00

I'm not really sure where to start this one...

There I was, minding my own business, working on Valentine's Day when Cornholio's sister come in and tells me that there's a package waiting for me at the door.

My first thought was that one of my angry readers found out where I worked and decided to maybe try to kill me by sending me anthrax or a bomb because I had probably pushed the whole "socially acceptable racism" thing way past the limit and pissed off a bunch of Angry Muslims.

As it turned out, the package was from Cornholio, which actually scared me even more because I figured that he was probably trying to retaliate for the incident when I peed in his chicken 3 years ago.

Imagine my surprised when I opened the box and it was.... Tulips?

No bomb... no death threat... no deadly disease.... What the hell is going on here?

We're all going to die, aren't we? Hell has finally frozen over!

More importantly, how the hell am I suppose be angry on Valentine's Day when he goes and ruins it by doing something nice? What an Asshole! LOL

Now I'm angry because he made me happy for once by doing something so ridiculously nice.

Happy blogs don't make for good blogging so now I'm pissed off that he did something nice because now I can't be angry like I wanted to be, which in turn does make me angry so in the end it all kinda works out.

Kinda twisted, ain't it?

Well, you know me....

Another Year... Another Angry Valentine's

2009-02-12T11:05:00.002-08:00

If there's one thing I know, it's that every year I'm guaranteed to have a crappy Valentine's Day. This is because Cornoholio serves absolutely no purpose whatsoever this time of year, every year.

I've said it every Valentine's day before and I'll continue to say every Valentine's day.

Having Cornholio around is no different then being single on Valentines Day. Actually, it’s worse then being single on Valentines Day because people continually ask me what I'm doing for Valentines Day because of my relationship status not realizing that I'm married to the anti-Cupid, anti-anything that involves him having to go out of his way to buy or plan anything for me.

This yea, it finally sunk in that that fucker wasn't going to do, or plan anything out for me. Luckily, my favorite cousin will be in town and I'm sure she wont mind hanging out with my on Valentine's day.

Ironically, there's going to be a gun show on Valentine's day. I have a feeling that there are going to be a lot of angry women at that gun show. (Maybe I should go... Just to scare him a little... LOL).

In either case, I think this will be the best Valentine's Day ever! (Mostly, because I wont be anywhere around that ass fucker).

Happy Valentine's Day! I hope it's as crappy with your significant others as it always is for me, LOL.

You didn't actually think I was going to hope that everyone else have a better Valentines Day then me, did you?

Don't Know Where I'm Going With This

2009-02-07T07:43:00.003-08:00

I had something in mind that I really wanted to write about but I couldn't find the assignment thingy that I was looking for.

It had something to do with throwing people off an airplane and who should die and who should live and something else about a pedophile, welfare, a priest, a convicted felon and a baby mama who contributes nothing to society.

Oh well, if I find it, I'll post it.

Ummmm yeah...

Sometimes when I watch the commercials for depression, it makes me happy. I think it's the one for Cymbalta.

The one that goes, "Depression can hurt. Cymbalta can help".

Maybe it's not Cymbalta, I'm really not sure, but I really do love those commercials. They make me happy and feel tingly all over.

Then sometimes I start to think about the little rolly ball guy on the commercial. He looks like dough or something. And then he's all sad til he takes his meds, then he's suddenly all happy again. Strangely comforting.

Sometimes I think that I'm bipolar, but I know I'm not because my symptoms aren't as wildly out of balance as someone who actually suffers from the disorder.

Then I really think and I realize, "No there's nothing wrong with you. You're just angry. Maybe that's why you're such an asshole".

Maybe I'm right...

A certain someone has suggested that I seek anger management, but I really don't think I'm as angry as they're trying to make it seem.

I know that I do tend to lose my temper pretty quick and it's usually pretty unpredictable, but I don't think it's that bad.

I've been sitting here and going on and on about nothing...

I guess it's just one of those days...

Socially Acceptable Racism

2009-02-06T08:48:00.010-08:00

I recently ran wild with the idea that there could be some forms of socially acceptable racism. After all, we're all a little racist to some degree.

I ran some of my thoughts about what would be considered socially acceptable racism. Apparently, I crossed way over the line with some of my ideas from socially acceptable to just plain out racist.

I decided that the people I had talked to about my socially acceptable racism where just all too uptight to see where I was coming from, therefore I decided to get an 8th opinion from someone who understands me.... My younger sister.

I was shocked and hurt when she also agreed with the other 7 people that my idea of socially acceptable racism was also inappropriate.

I was also really hurt when she told me, "If you go around saying shit like that, your askin to be jumped and/or shot".

Knowing how disappointed I had become hearing her words, my sister was quick to console me.

She quickly reminded me that although what I thought was socially acceptable racism was actually just pure racism, that its OK to use stereotypes as socially acceptable racism because they're always right.

For example:

White People
All white people are crazy. They always wear sandals and shorts in 30 degree weather, or live in trailer parks, and most of them become serial killers. They also smell like bologna and couldn't dance or find the rhythm if their life depended on it.

They say things like, "Bobby, go get me my shot gun. I heard that some negro just escaped from the prison and I'll be damned if I let that sonofabitch come up in this house and gir er dun wit my wife! That sonofabitch don't know what he got cummin."

Obviously, this is referring to the more hick white people and not that sophisticated, serial killer types. But it's hard to imitate the serial killer type because they don't do much talking. They just kill. Methodically, they go out and find people to kill. Scary...

Black People
All black people eat is fried chicken and Kool Aide. They're also scary because they slap around they bitches and then rob them, and you.

They say things like, " Yo mami, I was like trynna holla at ya. You got this tight ass J Lo booty. Yo, yo, yo, so you like murried or what? Cause I don't see no ring on ya finger. I'm sayin though. Why you trynna play a nigga? I'm trynna holla at ya. "

Black girls say things like this, "You want me to do what? Get in the water? Ohhhh Hell nawww. Bitch, I just got my hur did. You must've lost your damn mind. Do I look like I got dat gud hur to you? You gonna pay me to get me weave redid? Fuck that shit... Hell nawwwwww."

Hispanics:
They're all from either Puerto Rico or Mexico and they speak puerto rican or mexican, respectively. They all beat their wives and dance the Mexican Hat dance all while singing "La Cucaracha" or "La Bamba". They all talk really loud and are always drunk. AIY AIY AIY!!! None of them ever speak English, including the ones who were born and grew up in the US, and the few who do speak bery gud inglesh are always complimented by the whites for having such good English.

Men have 9 kids with 4 different woman. And woman have 9 kids with 9 different baby daddies (it was just easier to pin it on the last baby daddy cause he hasn't been locked up or deported).

Asians:
It's hard to come up with stereotypes for Asians, other then they're all just so tiny and smart. They're like little mini computers. You can even fit them in a suit case. I think it may be possible that one day Asians may rule the world, so I'm gonna be nice to them.

Have you seen America's Best Dance Crew? Who'd a thought that they're smart and can dance? They're just so aerodynamic...

Middle Easters:
They all own 7-11's, or gas stations. They also just like to blow things up.

I think I may have crossed the line again... Just a little bit though... But believe me, this isn't half as bad as some of the things I had mentioned to other people.

And like my sister said. Stereotypes are perfectly good types of socially acceptable racism because they're always true.

Ummm.... OK

2009-02-04T13:22:00.003-08:00

Vagina...

Vagina...

Penis....

Dildo...

Vagina...

Vagina...

That is all....

Thanx for wasting your time with me ;)

The Other PMS

2009-01-31T06:04:00.005-08:00

I was so annoyed last night, when Cornholio came home bitchin at me about who-knows-what. So I did what I always do... ignore him.

Usually, he'll get the point and go on bitchin to himself. But yesterday, he just went on and on and on. He eventually went upstairs and I guess he bitched himself to sleep.

That's when I realized that it was his time of month and he was going through some major PMS. For those of you who don't know, PMS for a man stands for Penile Mood Swings. (I kinda just made that up, but it works if you ask me).

Just like their penis', male PMS is quite unpredictable. One minute its hard, the next it's soft. It shrinks cause it gets cold, sometimes spits for no apparent reason at all. Completely unpredictable. You get the point...

I really don't understand how you guys walk around with that thing, but anyways...

It's funny how men bitch about woman PMS and they don't even realized that they get their own version of PMS, too.

Personally, I much rather deal with a woman with PMS over a man with PMS because woman are much more predictable. I know that sounds hard to believe. A woman being predictable? But it's true.

You know that around that certain time of month, we're gonna be just a little more sensitive, evil, bitchy and conniving then we already are normally.

But, unlike men PMS, you know that this behavior in woman will always happen around the same time of month, every month (unless you knock us up) like clockwork (well, for most women).

Men PMS, however, is completely unpredictable. The only thing I know about Man PMS is that it's gonna come, and usually it's without warning. It totally catches you off guard and makes you want to punch the stupid fucker right in the fuckin throat because he's acting like a stupid shitface and it irrittates you so much that you plan on ripping out his eyeball in his sleep, or possibly pulling a Lorena Bobbit on his stupid ass.

(Deep breaths. Relax...)

You men suck asshole. I can't stand your asses when you have PMS because you're bigger bitches then we are when we have it.

I'm going to my happy place now. I'm good...

Angry Whopper Inspired by Angry Girlfriend?

2009-01-28T07:43:00.004-08:00

We all know that I hate the Kellogg's company for stealing my Evil Poptart drawings. (Evil bastards!).

But there could be a new feud on the horizon.

Recently, Burger King announced the new "Angry Whopper". I can't help but to wonder what was their inspiration behind this Angry Burger.

Even though I have no proof that I was the inspiration behind the Angry Whopper, it's just like to me to assume that I must've been because people love to steal my ideas and the world is conspiring to get me.

I know that making this statement could possibly make me loose my credibility with the whole Kellogg's Poptart thing, but that case is different because I have proof and a ton of witnesses, so I'm not really worried about that.

So there you have it. Burger King's Angry Whopper was inspired by me, Angry Girlfriend.

I really like Burger King so I'm not planning a boycott. I have no idea what the Angry Whopper taste like, but I suggest you go buy one and let me know.

And think of me when you're ordering an Angry Whopper.

Party Crashers

2009-01-21T08:02:00.005-08:00

So yesterday was the BIG day. The swearing into office, the first biracial President of the United States of America.

I couldn't have been any more annoyed with the traffic, the out of town people and the fact that they kept referring to President Obama as the first African-American president.

Anyways, all extremely irrelevant.

As most of you are probably aware, there was quite a bit of chaos in the city and lots of parties and fancy balls.

My friend, Yuki, who was visiting from Brooklyn, made herself quite at home here and even managed to crash a couple of Inaugural balls, as well as walk right up to the front door to the White House. How the hell she got past security, I don't have a fuckin clue, but she did it.

She had dinner with several senators and the best part is, she walked right on in with her street clothes, not fancy attire that the rest of the people had on. Not to mention that most of these balls had outrageous ticket prices to get in, in the first place.

I wasn't there for the first few balls she crashed, which suddenly, I'm starting to regret.

However, I did make it to the last ball she decided to crash, which was the Heroes Red, White, & Blue Ball at the Warner Theater. Tickets for this event ranged between $500 - $1,500.

It was already ending when we arrived, so there's not much for me to brag about other then I got in and ummmm, yea, that's about it.

We took some pictures, and met a lot of nice people who were really, really drunk.

It was pretty cool. Too bad I didn't go out sooner.

In either case, I can still brag about the fact that I went to an Inaugural Ball in street clothes and didn't pay to get in. Thanx for the good time, Yuki!

Visit Yuki's website here: Chateau de Lion

Inauguration Day Hell

2009-01-19T07:30:00.007-08:00

I have never been so annoyed in my life to be a resident of Washington, DC as I have been this past weekend and the days to come.

With the Inauguration of the first biracial president (call him African-American all ya'll want. It wont change the fact that he is half white), the city is in complete chaos.

I am so annoyed by the presence of all of these celebrities and out of state people coming down here for an event that's been mislabeled to begin with.

I will admit that it is a historical event, but it doesn't change the fact that he's still not technically the first African-American president. He's biracial, people.

So call it what it is. The first biracial president.

Even Obama himself has referred to himself as a "mutt". Obviously, he's aware of the fact that he's biracial so I don't get why no one else seems to understand that.

So far, the biggest change that Obama has brought is major traffic in our little city with all this commotion of him preparing to take over the White House.

As if it's not complicated enough getting around with all the one way streets and weird turns, now, for the next 2 days, we have to find new ways to get around with all the road closures.

Hopefully, the first thing on his agenda will be to fix all the fucked up roads and potholes cause anyone who lives in the area can tell you how fucked up the streets are, thought I think that technically that's the mayors job (keep up the good work, Fenty).

I can't wait for all you city invaders to leave. As if I don't suffer from enough road rage as it is. Fuuuuuuck...

V is for...

2009-01-16T16:30:00.003-08:00

Vagina

Venereal disease

Virgin (not me, of course)

Vasectomy (I know a few men who should consider it)

Vaginal secretions

Vaginal warts

Vaginal herpes

Very horny

Vacation ( I need more of these)

Vagina dentata

Viagra

Vibrator

Valentines Day

Vendetta

Vehicular homicide

I love the letter V...